Just as everything was going smoothly I was hit by an infection it hit me in the form of sleep and to be honest the only signs I noticed were sleepiness. I took to my bed on Friday the 13th and slept, and slept and slept. Then on Wednesday the district nurses came out to flush my PICC line and once again they ran into difficult it was Martin that came out to see me and after half an hour we both decided enough was enough and that I should make the journey to ST James's. Martin however, asked me to get them to do a full blood count as well suggested I may be anaemic. Off we headed to St James's I asked for Andrea and we sat and waited for a good twenty minutes before she called me in.
"I'm so sorry Loraine, its hectic here today" she apologised showing me to a bay. "So your PICC line is playing up again??"
"Yep" I replied.
"I thought you'd finished treatment"
"That's the thing I have, however its pending the results of my CT scan and that's not due until Friday"
"Ah, so we could take it out then?"
"Potentially yes, however results are on the 24th".
"Ah, so we better wait then?"
"Well yes and no if its not working then there's no point in it being in, is there?"
"Right well let me see if it will flush". As she disappeared to sort her trolley out Virgil one of the pre-assessment doctors that I have got to know pretty well appeared.
"Hello, Loraine how are you today?"
"Not too good Virgil" I replied. "I've been really tired since Chemotherapy"
"When was your last session Loraine?"
"4th April" I replied. "I should be rallying round by now"
"Mm" he looked at me a thoughtful look on his face. "Is there any more treatment planned?"
"I have a CT scan booked on Friday Virgil, then I see Dr Jagdev on Tuesday for the results and then I will know if there is any more treatment".
"Ah I see... okay. So you are here today because?"
"PICC line wouldn't flush AGAIN" I rolled my eyes and Virgil laughed.
"You're PICC line it is very.. how do I say.. tempestuous"
"Mm you could call it that."
"So the way you are feeling, this tiredness this is a sudden thing?"
"Just since Friday" I replied. "The district nurse who called today said he thinks I may be anaemic and I should get a full blood count down... can you do that here?"
"Yes I think that is a very good idea I will ask Andrea to do this for you" Virgil replied. At that point she re-appeared".
"I think when you flush the line you should do a full blood count on Loraine here" he suggested.
"Okay" she smiled and nodded and began setting up to try and flush my line. "Mm there is quite a bit of resistance there again Loraine" she told me. However the line began to flush "did the dressing get changed Loraine?"
"Yep but I noticed my line seems to be hanging further out of my arm than normal".
"Mm it is isn't it. Virgil?"
"Yes my dear" he replied a grin on his face.
"Loraine's line seems to be further out of her arm than normal do you think I should maybe do a chest x-ray check its in the right place? And, if its not then we could potentially take her line out. It would be no use anyway for further treatment, do you agree?"
"Yes, I will do you and x-ray card for Loraine now".
"Thanks Virgil" Andrea looked at me at that point, Loraine I'm really sorry but your PICC line isn't bleeding back I'm going to have to try and take it from your vein".
"Oh god" I whinged, my veins are horrendously bad hence the reason for the PICC line.
"I'll be gentle I promise" she looked at me a sympathetic look on her face.
"Just do me a favour and try this one in my right arm first" I asked pointing it out. "Its the best vein I have although occasionally it does move a little, but please try".
"Okay Loraine lets give it a go" I looked over at Lee who smiled at me and held eye contact with him... "Okay Loraine sharp scratch" I bit my lip as Lee smiled at me. I swore silently under my breath Fu....fu....fu....fu.....ck!" Lee lent across and held my hand.
"You okay?" He mouthed silently. I nodded....trying hard to smile...
"It hurts" I replied. I gritted my teeth all my veins felt sensitive these days
"Okay all done"
"Really? What you actually got blood?" Andrea smiled and nodded "I'm impressed" I smiled. "Right so next step I need you to go down to x-ray" Andrea told me "As soon as its done come back up and find me and we will see if its in the right place".
"For the first time ever I'm hoping it isn't in the right place then I can have the damn thing taken out... I sooo want a bath" I told her and she laughed.
"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you come back and find me after you've been to x-ray and I'll find out whats going on".
"Okay" I grabbed my coat and the x-ray card and grabbed Lee's hand and we headed down to x-ray. It was really busy when I gave over my details downstairs in x-ray, the seating area was packed full of people. "Looks like we may be waiting a while" I said smiling at Lee.
"Well we haven't got anything else to do" Lee smiled back at me and gave me a hug.
"Loraine McEvoy?"
"Maybe we won't be waiting that long after all" Lee murmured. We headed up the corridor to the changing room.
"Right Loraine if you go in there please take off everything on your top half and put a gown on, that includes your chain"
"Okay".
"Then if you come out and take a seat we will call you in".
"Okay" i waited for the door to close then locked it. Turning round the smell hit me a very strong smell of B.O. it was so strong ugh I actually felt sick. I have never got into a gown so fast in my life I actually left the changing room with the strings still unfastened holding my gown at the back thank god I could keep my jeans on. Lee was sitting on a chair outside. "Can you tie this for me?" I asked turning around.
"Of course I can turn around" Lee had just tied the strings at my neck when the radiographer called me in.. "Loraine McEvoy?"
"Yep" I replied.
"Come on in" I entered the x-ray room. "Right Loraine if you stand with your chest pressed up against the screen rest your chin on top", I did as I was told. "Now, if you put your arms round the back and grip hold of the handles. That's it, okay Loraine shortly I'll ask you to take a deep breath, hold it and breathe away".
"Okay". The radiographer disappeared behind the screen. "Right Loraine, take a deep breath in," I did, "hold your breath" I did, "now breathe away". There was a pause... "right Loraine that's it you are all done the results will be on computer when you get upstairs. You can go get changed now love".
"Thanks" I left the room and went to get changed back into my clothes in the changing room which again I did in record time because the changing room still stunk. This time I managed to get my handbag off of Lee though and sprayed mountains of the stuff around the changing room at least the next person in wouldn't have to feel sick due to the BO smell. I left the changing room still hopeful that maybe the PICC line could come out. Lee stood waiting for me.
"All done, back up we trot hope those fingers have been crossed then maybe I can get this out tonight". I grabbed Lee's hand and we headed out of the x-ray department and headed back upstairs to Oncology.
"You okay? You've gone a bit pale?" Lee asked as we were halfway up the stairs in the main entrance.
"Knackered, its just hit me" I told him and grabbed his arm "I feel a bit dizzy too" Lee put his arm around me to steady me.
"Just stop for a minute" I did as I was told and took a couple of deep breaths.
"Its okay I'm okay I'll just take it slow this time" slowly we began climbing the stairs again. I felt so drained. We headed towards oncology and sat in the waiting room, it was then I caught a glimpse of Andrea in the bay where we had been before we left for x-ray I waved to her and she beckoned us through. "Okay if you take a seat Loraine I'll go find a doctor to look at your results Virgil's left for the day".
"Alright thanks" I took a seat and Lee announced he was going to go outside for a cigarette. I laid back in the chair... I felt so tired. I must have nodded off and half an hour later it was Lee that woke me.
"You okay?"
"Yep just tired" I replied.
"Loraine the x-ray shows that the PICC line has moved slightly" Andrea announced "but its not enough to warrant it taking out it should still flush okay".
"Right".
"I'll send your bloods off the results should be back tomorrow if you want to give us a ring for them".
"Okay thanks".
"Right off we go then" Lee pulled me out of the chair. "When we get home I think you should go for a lie down".
"Okay. I won't disagree I feel like shit". I replied. "Bye Andrea, I hope not to see you again any time soon and I mean that in the nicest possible way".
"I know what you mean I hope you get your PICC line taken out soon" I smiled and she smiled back. Then lee and I headed outside to the car park and for home. I must have fallen asleep again on the way home because when I next opened my eyes we were on the driveway. I did exactly as Lee said and made my way straight upstairs to lie down.
I awoke around seven at night and headed downstairs to spend some time with Lee. "You should have woke me its late" I told him.
"You were tired so I left you to sleep" Lee replied.
"Yep true". I sat down and tried hard to concentrate on the TV but in all honesty I couldn't concentrate it just wasn't happening I was just too tired. It was only a couple of hours later that I ended up back in bed.
I started vomiting around eleven o'clock that night and it was constant ...every time I took a drink or a painkiller I was sick. Lee rubbed my back consistently throughout the night and got up to warm up wheat bags in the microwave to ease the pain for me. I was so lucky to have him, I must have drifted off in the early hours of the morning because I woke startled as Felix pounced under the covers next to me as daylight shone through the gap in the curtains.
"What the...?" I jumped then realised the reason behind the fact that the cat was sharing my bed.. the window cleaners were at the window.... I have no idea why but my cat is terrified of two things... window cleaners and bin men and every time either one arrives he runs round like a lunatic. However, this was the first time he'd dived bombed under the covers on the bed giving me the fright of my life. I shouted out for Lee but there was on answer... slowly I pulled myself out of bed... god my stomach hurt. I sat on the bed for a good five minutes then the door knocked loudly... I knew it was the window cleaners but there was no way I could run downstairs and answer the door so I left it until they had gone and then slowly made my way downstairs and onto the settee. God I felt rough.....
Sunday 29 April 2012
Sunday 15 April 2012
15th April - Where has the last couple of weeks gone?
So lets start from where I left off I apologise because once again its been a while since I wrote my last blog. I have just been so tired since I finished my last session of chemotherapy. All I have done is sleep I'm beginning to wonder if its just laziness and maybe I need a kick up the arse to get me moving lol.
Lee and I met Colin Fry on the 29th March. For those of you that don't know who he is he's a medium and one I've longed to meet for years. I'm very into the spiritual side of things and truly believe that there is life after death and that you move on to a better place. I believe I'll be reunited with everyone in my life that I've lost when I move on and that helps me to deal with the fact that I am going to die. I mean lets face it we all are the difference being according to the doctors I'll be doing it sooner than most of you, but I'm not worried. Anyway back to Colin Fry. I had added him as a friend on face book a while ago and it was only after we'd booked to see Sally Morgan another medium that he accepted my friend request. I immediately wrote on his wall and told him I would love to meet him and that I was currently battling cancer. Within hours he had written back and told me he was touring the UK and he would like to invite Lee and I to go and see him for free. He told me to choose which venue was best for us and he would organise the tickets. Lee, however, was sceptical wondering if it was some sort of hoax. I advised Colin of this and he immediately gave us his phone number and asked us to call. Lee rang and was totally amazed when Colin answered the phone to him. They had a chat and the tickets were organised. So the night arrived at the Bath Hall in Scunthorpe and we were shown to Colin's dressing room as he hadn't arrived yet. We sat and waited but were only there about five minutes when Colin appeared. What a lovely man! How can I describe Colin? He relaxes you immediately I felt like I'd known him all my life. Wonderfully he also had gift bags for Lee and I full of his senses range which included candles and soaps something we hadn't expected. He asked all about my treatment and how it was going and complimented me on my positive attitude. He told us how Mikey and him were planning to relocate to Spain and it was like a general chit chat amongst friends it was lovely. We had photos taken with him which are now pride of place on facebook and I'm going to get some printed and put in frames. We watched the show and I was extremely impressed with his accurate readings although a little disappointed that I didn't get one myself. It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening and I can honestly say we both enjoyed it very much. Unfortunately our night out took its toll and the following day instead of a shopping trip to Grimsby we had to go home because I felt so rubbish.
I had my last chemo session on the 4th April and boy was I a happy bunny. Saying goodbye to the nurses on the oncology day case unit was the best feeling yet the worst feeling at the same time. I told them all I hope I'm not back too soon but that I probably will see them again at some point in the next couple of years. My named nurse for the day was a nurse I hadn't had since my second set of chemotherapy so that was kind of sentimental for me. I still have my PICC line in but my CT scan is on Friday and my results are back on Tuesday 24th April hopefully on that day my PICC line will be removed and it will be a long long time before my next chemotherapy session.
I had a lovely shopping trip with Vicki a friend from work on Thursday I needed help with my summer wardrobe because in all honesty I'm crap at shopping. I still dress fat that's the problem, when I look in the mirror I don't see thin I see fat. So I look at clothes and choose baggy ones and dark colours if I'm shopping on my own. Vicki helped me out of that on Thursday, made me try things on and I was amazed to find that a size 12 everywhere fit me it gave me a big buzz. The only downside was when we went to West One and I got a splinter and when I say splinter I mean a great big chunk of wood stuck in my foot from the changing room floor. Vicki bravely pulled it out for me although when the blood began to pour she got a little squeamish. The staff in the shop were lovely and couldn't do enough to help me. I was however a little traumatised after that and we had to go and sit down and have a drink at Costa. The mango and passion fruit cooler was absolutely gorgeous and so refreshing. All in all it was an excellent day out and I came home with quite a few outfits for our holidays.
Anyway I'm getting stronger every day so I'll try and keep up on my blogs a bit more, problem is my life is so dull there's nothing much to write about at the minute cos all I seem to do is sleep. People keep telling me its my body healing itself that's why I'm sleeping so often but when does the healing stop cos I spend more time in bed these days than out of it.
Lee and I met Colin Fry on the 29th March. For those of you that don't know who he is he's a medium and one I've longed to meet for years. I'm very into the spiritual side of things and truly believe that there is life after death and that you move on to a better place. I believe I'll be reunited with everyone in my life that I've lost when I move on and that helps me to deal with the fact that I am going to die. I mean lets face it we all are the difference being according to the doctors I'll be doing it sooner than most of you, but I'm not worried. Anyway back to Colin Fry. I had added him as a friend on face book a while ago and it was only after we'd booked to see Sally Morgan another medium that he accepted my friend request. I immediately wrote on his wall and told him I would love to meet him and that I was currently battling cancer. Within hours he had written back and told me he was touring the UK and he would like to invite Lee and I to go and see him for free. He told me to choose which venue was best for us and he would organise the tickets. Lee, however, was sceptical wondering if it was some sort of hoax. I advised Colin of this and he immediately gave us his phone number and asked us to call. Lee rang and was totally amazed when Colin answered the phone to him. They had a chat and the tickets were organised. So the night arrived at the Bath Hall in Scunthorpe and we were shown to Colin's dressing room as he hadn't arrived yet. We sat and waited but were only there about five minutes when Colin appeared. What a lovely man! How can I describe Colin? He relaxes you immediately I felt like I'd known him all my life. Wonderfully he also had gift bags for Lee and I full of his senses range which included candles and soaps something we hadn't expected. He asked all about my treatment and how it was going and complimented me on my positive attitude. He told us how Mikey and him were planning to relocate to Spain and it was like a general chit chat amongst friends it was lovely. We had photos taken with him which are now pride of place on facebook and I'm going to get some printed and put in frames. We watched the show and I was extremely impressed with his accurate readings although a little disappointed that I didn't get one myself. It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening and I can honestly say we both enjoyed it very much. Unfortunately our night out took its toll and the following day instead of a shopping trip to Grimsby we had to go home because I felt so rubbish.
I had my last chemo session on the 4th April and boy was I a happy bunny. Saying goodbye to the nurses on the oncology day case unit was the best feeling yet the worst feeling at the same time. I told them all I hope I'm not back too soon but that I probably will see them again at some point in the next couple of years. My named nurse for the day was a nurse I hadn't had since my second set of chemotherapy so that was kind of sentimental for me. I still have my PICC line in but my CT scan is on Friday and my results are back on Tuesday 24th April hopefully on that day my PICC line will be removed and it will be a long long time before my next chemotherapy session.
I had a lovely shopping trip with Vicki a friend from work on Thursday I needed help with my summer wardrobe because in all honesty I'm crap at shopping. I still dress fat that's the problem, when I look in the mirror I don't see thin I see fat. So I look at clothes and choose baggy ones and dark colours if I'm shopping on my own. Vicki helped me out of that on Thursday, made me try things on and I was amazed to find that a size 12 everywhere fit me it gave me a big buzz. The only downside was when we went to West One and I got a splinter and when I say splinter I mean a great big chunk of wood stuck in my foot from the changing room floor. Vicki bravely pulled it out for me although when the blood began to pour she got a little squeamish. The staff in the shop were lovely and couldn't do enough to help me. I was however a little traumatised after that and we had to go and sit down and have a drink at Costa. The mango and passion fruit cooler was absolutely gorgeous and so refreshing. All in all it was an excellent day out and I came home with quite a few outfits for our holidays.
Anyway I'm getting stronger every day so I'll try and keep up on my blogs a bit more, problem is my life is so dull there's nothing much to write about at the minute cos all I seem to do is sleep. People keep telling me its my body healing itself that's why I'm sleeping so often but when does the healing stop cos I spend more time in bed these days than out of it.
Saturday 14 April 2012
25th March - A tribute to Lisa.
I've had a bad couple of days been a bit down but I always am this time of year. Its a bugger really cos it coincides with mum and dads anniversary every year. Lisa, my best friend died five years ago on the 25th March I still miss her terribly. What I miss more is the fact that I hardly have any photos of us together. Its one of those things you take them as you're growing up but inevitably they get lost somewhere along the way. We met at high school aged 14, Lisa's dad had died of cancer just before we met. Her mum had sent her to live with her grandparents in Horbury as Lisa was a bit of a handful, so she enrolled at the same school as me and we hit it off.
We were pretty much inseparable after that I went to her gran and grandads or she came to me. We had our ups and downs like all friends but we were always there for each other when needed.
I was bridesmaid at her wedding when she got married at 18 after falling pregnant with her son Luke, and I was Luke's godmother. Less than two years later I fell pregnant with Jenna and found myself without a partner, cos he dumped me and she was a great help throughout my pregnancy advising me what it would be like etc. I'd seen how natural she was with Luke and I helped her out looking after him it helped me to get used to each other. Jenna was born and I spent lots of time around at Lisa's for the first eighteen months of Jenna's life.
Then I met Rae and threw myself into my new relationship. Lisa was working and also had Luke and her husband Craig. They were going through a rocky patch Craig wasn't the nicest of people when he'd had a drink. They were far too young to have gotten married they hadn't been ready for the responsibility of a child and in all honesty I think they were just not suited. Lisa began seeing someone else and I got dragged into it and we fell out. I lost my best friend and I was gutted in all honesty but I soldiered on. Rae and I married and had our son Logan but I never really gained that friendship back with anyone else and I often thought about her and wondered what she was doing. I heard she'd moved away and left Luke with his dad but I had no idea why, I had been shocked at the time and I didn't understand the reasons behind it.
Rae and I were married and we had Logan and life moved on, but I never had a friendship like the one I had with Lisa, I missed her. Rae and I were together eight years before we separated, it was a difficult time in my life but it was the right decision for me at the time and one I have no regrets over. It was by chance a couple of months later that I bumped into Lisa's gran and grandad on a bus they filled me in on Lisa's life and told me she was married again with two boys and had moved to Wales. They said she often spoke about me and wanted to get in touch so I gave them my address and phone number and told them to pass it on.
I still remember reading the letter she wrote it dropped through my letter box a week later she filled me in on her life poured her heart out over Luke and I felt excited as I picked up the phone that evening and rang her. We talked on the phone that evening for hours and it was like the past ten years didn't matter. Then she told me she was coming to visit the following weekend and I was ecstatic I couldn't wait.
The following weekend she pulled up with her husband Tony and her two children Connor and Callum. I remember she looked stunning in her size eight clothes I even remember the clothes she was wearing that day. We talked for hours filled each other in on our lives and promised this time we would stay in touch, and we did. I went for holidays to wales where she lived and she came to stay with me if we weren't seeing each other we were on the phone it was brilliant to have my friend back.
When she split with Tony some years later and turned up on my doorstep with her two boys and some bin bags I didn't hesitate and let her stay. She applied for a house to the council locally and got herself a place in a hostel so she could get housing quicker. I was the first one she told when she found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks later. She was happy but sad at the same time not knowing how she would cope with three kids on her own. Then she got a house in Kettlethorpe and two weeks later rang me to tell me she'd started seeing someone. "Its like I've known him all my life, his name's Jimmy he's younger than me but he's lovely Loraine you have to meet him". We met in Wakefield the following week and she introduced me to Jimmy her bloke. He was a lovely lad we had a coffee and a chat he was great with the boys and I could see how happy she was she glowed it was the one and only time I'd seen her smile so much. Then she went into early labour with Stephanie and I got a phone call from her "I've had a little girl" she told me. "She's so tiny though Loraine, I don't think she'll make it" she had only been 27 weeks pregnant and I was worried too. "I haven't even told my Nana and grandad I'm pregnant" she sobbed.
"Do you want me to tell them?" I asked her.
"Would you?"
"Of course I will and I'll be over to see you tomorrow" with shaky fingers I picked up the phone and rang Lisa's grandma.
"Hi Muriel its Loraine"
"Oh Loraine how lovely to hear from you" she responded. "John, its Loraine on the phone can you turn the oven down for me?"
"Is it a bad time?" I asked her.
"No love its fine. Have you seen our Lisa lately?"
"That's the reason for my call Muriel, I have some news for you, its good and bad news are you sitting down?"
"Oh no, whats happened what's she done?" I could hear the shakiness of her voice and I swallowed hard.
"Well the thing is she didn't tell you that she's pregnant"
"I thought she was putting weight on, so she's asked you to call and tell us has she?"
"No. the thing is Muriel she was 27 weeks pregnant"
"Was?"
"She went into labour last night Muriel and you have a grand daughter Stephanie, she's tiny and she's in special care"
"Oh my goodness, what hospital?"
"They're at Pontefract general Muriel. She's scared and I think she needs her nan"
"Thank you Loraine we'll go right now".
"I think she'll be very happy to see you. I'm going to go tomorrow"
"Okay Loraine, and thanks for calling". I remember feeling relieved as I put down the phone it had gone better than expected.
The following day I went to the hospital to see baby Stephanie armed with my camera she was indeed tiny her skin was transparent I put my finger through the hole of her sealed incubator. The tip of my middle finger to the knuckle was the same size as Stephanie's head. Shockingly she was about thirty three centimetres in length but the nurses said all early signs were good, and she was gorgeous. She told me how her labour had been quick and Jimmy had stayed with her throughout it all.
"Thanks for ringing my Nana they've been up constantly and they seem to like Jimmy".
"What isn't there to like?" I smiled. "You've known him what four weeks and he stayed with you for your labour, I think you have a good one there love. Don't let him go"
"I won't" she smiled. "He's asked me to move in with him, I know its fast but I'm considering it"
"Well why don't you then you seem so happy when he's around Lisa. You don't have to give up your house do a trial run see how it goes. If it works then give up the house and move in with him. If it doesn't you've nothing to loose".
"You think?"
"If you have a chance of happiness you go for it. It doesn't come round very often". We saw each other more and more after that. We often met for a coffee in town or I would go to hers and Jimmy's. Those days were fabulous. When I split with my boyfriend and went on a downer Jimmy paid for me and the kids to get a taxi through to theirs and we stayed for the weekend. Around that time I was over there every other weekend. Logan got on well with Connor and Callum and loved going and Jenna quite liked Jimmy's younger brother who was around her age so she didn't mind going either. Those days were the best I had my best mate back and she was happy.
It was the second week of March 2007 when I saw her last, we had a very surreal conversation that evening about dying. She'd told me how her Nana and grandad had said to her they were re-doing their will and how she was to be included I remember she looked right at me and said. "I've told them just to put the kids in it, because they will outlive me".
"Don't be daft" I'd replied.
"No I'm serious I've always had a feeling I won't live beyond my dads age"
"You're being morbid now" I remember I'd said.
"You'll see" she'd smiled and replied.
It was 2am on Friday the 23rd March that I got a phone call I still remember it vividly. "Is that Loraine?"
"Yes"
"Its Jimmy's mum Pauline Loraine, I'm afraid I have some bad news are you sitting down love?"
"Whats wrong Pauline?"
"Its Lisa she collapsed this evening she was rushed to Pontefract general, she's in some sort of coma. They're transferring her to Leeds general infirmary by ambulance now".
"Oh my god"
"Its not looking good love I'm afraid she hasn't regained consciousness. They're transferring her to the neuro critical care unit".
"Can I see her?"
"I'd wait til morning as soon as I have a telephone number and know what ward she is on I will ring and let you know".
"Okay Pauline thanks so much. I want to go see her as soon as I can though so please ring me sooner rather than later". I'd put the phone down and cried myself to sleep on the settee the phone at the side of me waiting for a call. I was due at work the following morning at that time I worked in a call centre for HSBC bank. I remember ringing and speaking to one of my old team leaders Suzanne at the time. "Suzanne its Loraine, I need some time off compassionate leave or something I'll take holidays anything".
"Whats up love?"
"Its my best mate Lisa she collapsed early hours of this morning she's in some kind of coma at Leeds general infirmary I'm really sorry but she's like my sister, she has three kids I have to go see her, she's in critical care and it sounds serious. Please can I just not come in today?"
"Oh bloody hell, listen do what you have to do love we'll work it out when you get back. I know if it was my best mate I'd go so go".
"Okay thanks Suzanne. I'll let you know what happens".
"Okay love". I'd rung my mum next Logan was at his dads, Jenna was 15 at the time and still at school I arranged for her to have Jenna for the weekend and told her why. It was ten am the following morning when Pauline rang and told me exactly where she was and I jumped in a cab and headed to the hospital. I knew it would cost me but I didn't care I needed to get there. The cab pulled up and I got in.
"Where too love?"
"Leeds general infirmary" I told him.
"Are you sure, that's gonna cost you?" he asked me.
"How much?"
"About twenty probably" he'd replied.
"Okay take me to a cash point and I'll give you twenty five if you can get me there fast" I'd answered.
"No worries" he'd smiled. "Its an emergency I take it?"
"Yeah my best mate she's collapsed she's in the neuro intensive care unit I need to get there as quick as I can".
"Sorry to hear that love, its no problem though I'll put my foot down for ya"
"Thanks I appreciate it". I don't think he minded that I never uttered another word for the whole journey. He dropped me outside the door and I practically threw the twenty five quid at him and ran to the information desk to find out how I got to intensive care. There was a buzzer on the door.
"I'm here to see Lisa Ambrose"
"Okay come through the door straight ahead is the relatives room if you'd like to take a seat in there someone will come out and get you".
"Okay thanks" on shaky legs I'd walked into the room. Sat across from me were a man and a woman I smiled and they smiled back. It was a good five minutes later when the woman spoke.
"Are you Loraine, by any chance?"
"Yes that's right, sorry do I know you?"
"I'm Jimmy's sister Teresa and this is my husband Chris"
"Oh, hi nice to meet you both. Is anyone in there at the moment?"
"Jimmy's in with her, he's hardly left her side and Luke's just arrived".
"Luke?"
"Yes Lisa's Nana and grandad brought him up they've just gone for a walk, Stephanie was getting a little grizzly so they took her for a walk. Mums at home with the boys she's not good in hospitals"
"Oh right. Lisa's Nana and grandad took Stephanie home last night with them and my mum had the boys three of them was just a little much for her".
"Ah I see. How bad is it Teresa?"
"In all honesty love I'm not sure. They said she may be able to hear though so Jimmy's been talking to her constantly". My tears started then and Teresa came over and gave me a big hug. "I'll go see if I can hurry them up so you can go in"
"Okay thanks." I grabbed the tissue she offered and wiped my eyes.
I still see her in her hospital bed wired up with tubes all over the place unfortunately its my last memory of Lisa and one I find hard to deal with....
I never went home Jimmy, Teresa and I stayed with her Friday night and all day Saturday then Saturday night. We talked to her constantly hoping it would help bring her round desperate for some kind of sign. Teresa left to go home to her kids on the Sunday and to help with Stephanie and the boys and I stayed with Jimmy. I remember the conversation we had with the doctor sitting in the relatives room with him.
"The results of the scan showed that Lisa has had a bleed on the brain. We judge bleeds by a scale of one to five, one being the lowest and the easiest to recover from and five being the highest and the worst one. I'm afraid Lisa's bleed shows as a four its extremely unlikely she will come round from this".
I looked at Jimmy my mouth hung open and he looked at me and we cried and held each other as we listened to the rest of the doctors words. "What we need to do next is a serious of tests to check Lisa for brain activity that will determine as to whether or not we turn off the life support machines".
"Right"
"So if there is anyone that needs to come and see her and say goodbye then I think it would be a good idea to call them"
"Okay" Jimmy and I stood up and looked at each other I think we both knew even then what the results would be.
The machines were turned off later that day and I remember walking into the corridor and just sliding down the wall and crying and crying and crying. It was left to Jimmy and I to go back to the house and tell the boys their mum was gone it was a horrifying task and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Stephanie was ten months old and the boys were eleven and twelve, how do you break the news that they're never gonna see their mummy again?? But between us we managed it, I still believe it wasn't our job and that it should have been Lisa's immediate family that had the task of breaking the news but they were nowhere to be seen. In the three days she was in the hospital dying they turned up once and spent all of half an hour with her. For that, I can never forgive, I remember thinking I hope to god when I die my family care enough to actually show up at my bedside and spend some time with me?
Five years have past, Jimmy moved on quite quickly after Lisa died it took him less than seven weeks in fact and I found it hard to forgive him for that. Then he did the ultimate no no and split her family he kept the boys and sent Stephanie to his sisters saying his girlfriend and him couldn't cope with a baby. It wasn't long after that they replaced her with a child of their own and that did it for me and I had to walk away. Lisa would never have wanted her family split because it had happened to her when she'd been separated from her younger brother Mark. Jimmy moved away with the boys and his girlfriend and her kids and their baby not long after and I have no idea where they are. But the boys know me and I'm sure one day they will look me up. I go as often as I can to see Stephanie but not as often as I'd like she's growing up so fast. It was my job to tell her about her mum when she got older, she knows she has a second mummy and often goes to visit her grave with Teresa. Unfortunately I may not have that chance now if I'm not around for long enough but I have promised Teresa I will write a letter to her and tell her all about her mummy and my bestest friend Lisa. The one thing I do know is that when I die Lisa will be at the other side waiting for me with a big glass of wine and a welcoming smile.
Love you Lisa xx
We were pretty much inseparable after that I went to her gran and grandads or she came to me. We had our ups and downs like all friends but we were always there for each other when needed.
I was bridesmaid at her wedding when she got married at 18 after falling pregnant with her son Luke, and I was Luke's godmother. Less than two years later I fell pregnant with Jenna and found myself without a partner, cos he dumped me and she was a great help throughout my pregnancy advising me what it would be like etc. I'd seen how natural she was with Luke and I helped her out looking after him it helped me to get used to each other. Jenna was born and I spent lots of time around at Lisa's for the first eighteen months of Jenna's life.
Then I met Rae and threw myself into my new relationship. Lisa was working and also had Luke and her husband Craig. They were going through a rocky patch Craig wasn't the nicest of people when he'd had a drink. They were far too young to have gotten married they hadn't been ready for the responsibility of a child and in all honesty I think they were just not suited. Lisa began seeing someone else and I got dragged into it and we fell out. I lost my best friend and I was gutted in all honesty but I soldiered on. Rae and I married and had our son Logan but I never really gained that friendship back with anyone else and I often thought about her and wondered what she was doing. I heard she'd moved away and left Luke with his dad but I had no idea why, I had been shocked at the time and I didn't understand the reasons behind it.
Rae and I were married and we had Logan and life moved on, but I never had a friendship like the one I had with Lisa, I missed her. Rae and I were together eight years before we separated, it was a difficult time in my life but it was the right decision for me at the time and one I have no regrets over. It was by chance a couple of months later that I bumped into Lisa's gran and grandad on a bus they filled me in on Lisa's life and told me she was married again with two boys and had moved to Wales. They said she often spoke about me and wanted to get in touch so I gave them my address and phone number and told them to pass it on.
I still remember reading the letter she wrote it dropped through my letter box a week later she filled me in on her life poured her heart out over Luke and I felt excited as I picked up the phone that evening and rang her. We talked on the phone that evening for hours and it was like the past ten years didn't matter. Then she told me she was coming to visit the following weekend and I was ecstatic I couldn't wait.
The following weekend she pulled up with her husband Tony and her two children Connor and Callum. I remember she looked stunning in her size eight clothes I even remember the clothes she was wearing that day. We talked for hours filled each other in on our lives and promised this time we would stay in touch, and we did. I went for holidays to wales where she lived and she came to stay with me if we weren't seeing each other we were on the phone it was brilliant to have my friend back.
When she split with Tony some years later and turned up on my doorstep with her two boys and some bin bags I didn't hesitate and let her stay. She applied for a house to the council locally and got herself a place in a hostel so she could get housing quicker. I was the first one she told when she found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks later. She was happy but sad at the same time not knowing how she would cope with three kids on her own. Then she got a house in Kettlethorpe and two weeks later rang me to tell me she'd started seeing someone. "Its like I've known him all my life, his name's Jimmy he's younger than me but he's lovely Loraine you have to meet him". We met in Wakefield the following week and she introduced me to Jimmy her bloke. He was a lovely lad we had a coffee and a chat he was great with the boys and I could see how happy she was she glowed it was the one and only time I'd seen her smile so much. Then she went into early labour with Stephanie and I got a phone call from her "I've had a little girl" she told me. "She's so tiny though Loraine, I don't think she'll make it" she had only been 27 weeks pregnant and I was worried too. "I haven't even told my Nana and grandad I'm pregnant" she sobbed.
"Do you want me to tell them?" I asked her.
"Would you?"
"Of course I will and I'll be over to see you tomorrow" with shaky fingers I picked up the phone and rang Lisa's grandma.
"Hi Muriel its Loraine"
"Oh Loraine how lovely to hear from you" she responded. "John, its Loraine on the phone can you turn the oven down for me?"
"Is it a bad time?" I asked her.
"No love its fine. Have you seen our Lisa lately?"
"That's the reason for my call Muriel, I have some news for you, its good and bad news are you sitting down?"
"Oh no, whats happened what's she done?" I could hear the shakiness of her voice and I swallowed hard.
"Well the thing is she didn't tell you that she's pregnant"
"I thought she was putting weight on, so she's asked you to call and tell us has she?"
"No. the thing is Muriel she was 27 weeks pregnant"
"Was?"
"She went into labour last night Muriel and you have a grand daughter Stephanie, she's tiny and she's in special care"
"Oh my goodness, what hospital?"
"They're at Pontefract general Muriel. She's scared and I think she needs her nan"
"Thank you Loraine we'll go right now".
"I think she'll be very happy to see you. I'm going to go tomorrow"
"Okay Loraine, and thanks for calling". I remember feeling relieved as I put down the phone it had gone better than expected.
The following day I went to the hospital to see baby Stephanie armed with my camera she was indeed tiny her skin was transparent I put my finger through the hole of her sealed incubator. The tip of my middle finger to the knuckle was the same size as Stephanie's head. Shockingly she was about thirty three centimetres in length but the nurses said all early signs were good, and she was gorgeous. She told me how her labour had been quick and Jimmy had stayed with her throughout it all.
"Thanks for ringing my Nana they've been up constantly and they seem to like Jimmy".
"What isn't there to like?" I smiled. "You've known him what four weeks and he stayed with you for your labour, I think you have a good one there love. Don't let him go"
"I won't" she smiled. "He's asked me to move in with him, I know its fast but I'm considering it"
"Well why don't you then you seem so happy when he's around Lisa. You don't have to give up your house do a trial run see how it goes. If it works then give up the house and move in with him. If it doesn't you've nothing to loose".
"You think?"
"If you have a chance of happiness you go for it. It doesn't come round very often". We saw each other more and more after that. We often met for a coffee in town or I would go to hers and Jimmy's. Those days were fabulous. When I split with my boyfriend and went on a downer Jimmy paid for me and the kids to get a taxi through to theirs and we stayed for the weekend. Around that time I was over there every other weekend. Logan got on well with Connor and Callum and loved going and Jenna quite liked Jimmy's younger brother who was around her age so she didn't mind going either. Those days were the best I had my best mate back and she was happy.
It was the second week of March 2007 when I saw her last, we had a very surreal conversation that evening about dying. She'd told me how her Nana and grandad had said to her they were re-doing their will and how she was to be included I remember she looked right at me and said. "I've told them just to put the kids in it, because they will outlive me".
"Don't be daft" I'd replied.
"No I'm serious I've always had a feeling I won't live beyond my dads age"
"You're being morbid now" I remember I'd said.
"You'll see" she'd smiled and replied.
It was 2am on Friday the 23rd March that I got a phone call I still remember it vividly. "Is that Loraine?"
"Yes"
"Its Jimmy's mum Pauline Loraine, I'm afraid I have some bad news are you sitting down love?"
"Whats wrong Pauline?"
"Its Lisa she collapsed this evening she was rushed to Pontefract general, she's in some sort of coma. They're transferring her to Leeds general infirmary by ambulance now".
"Oh my god"
"Its not looking good love I'm afraid she hasn't regained consciousness. They're transferring her to the neuro critical care unit".
"Can I see her?"
"I'd wait til morning as soon as I have a telephone number and know what ward she is on I will ring and let you know".
"Okay Pauline thanks so much. I want to go see her as soon as I can though so please ring me sooner rather than later". I'd put the phone down and cried myself to sleep on the settee the phone at the side of me waiting for a call. I was due at work the following morning at that time I worked in a call centre for HSBC bank. I remember ringing and speaking to one of my old team leaders Suzanne at the time. "Suzanne its Loraine, I need some time off compassionate leave or something I'll take holidays anything".
"Whats up love?"
"Its my best mate Lisa she collapsed early hours of this morning she's in some kind of coma at Leeds general infirmary I'm really sorry but she's like my sister, she has three kids I have to go see her, she's in critical care and it sounds serious. Please can I just not come in today?"
"Oh bloody hell, listen do what you have to do love we'll work it out when you get back. I know if it was my best mate I'd go so go".
"Okay thanks Suzanne. I'll let you know what happens".
"Okay love". I'd rung my mum next Logan was at his dads, Jenna was 15 at the time and still at school I arranged for her to have Jenna for the weekend and told her why. It was ten am the following morning when Pauline rang and told me exactly where she was and I jumped in a cab and headed to the hospital. I knew it would cost me but I didn't care I needed to get there. The cab pulled up and I got in.
"Where too love?"
"Leeds general infirmary" I told him.
"Are you sure, that's gonna cost you?" he asked me.
"How much?"
"About twenty probably" he'd replied.
"Okay take me to a cash point and I'll give you twenty five if you can get me there fast" I'd answered.
"No worries" he'd smiled. "Its an emergency I take it?"
"Yeah my best mate she's collapsed she's in the neuro intensive care unit I need to get there as quick as I can".
"Sorry to hear that love, its no problem though I'll put my foot down for ya"
"Thanks I appreciate it". I don't think he minded that I never uttered another word for the whole journey. He dropped me outside the door and I practically threw the twenty five quid at him and ran to the information desk to find out how I got to intensive care. There was a buzzer on the door.
"I'm here to see Lisa Ambrose"
"Okay come through the door straight ahead is the relatives room if you'd like to take a seat in there someone will come out and get you".
"Okay thanks" on shaky legs I'd walked into the room. Sat across from me were a man and a woman I smiled and they smiled back. It was a good five minutes later when the woman spoke.
"Are you Loraine, by any chance?"
"Yes that's right, sorry do I know you?"
"I'm Jimmy's sister Teresa and this is my husband Chris"
"Oh, hi nice to meet you both. Is anyone in there at the moment?"
"Jimmy's in with her, he's hardly left her side and Luke's just arrived".
"Luke?"
"Yes Lisa's Nana and grandad brought him up they've just gone for a walk, Stephanie was getting a little grizzly so they took her for a walk. Mums at home with the boys she's not good in hospitals"
"Oh right. Lisa's Nana and grandad took Stephanie home last night with them and my mum had the boys three of them was just a little much for her".
"Ah I see. How bad is it Teresa?"
"In all honesty love I'm not sure. They said she may be able to hear though so Jimmy's been talking to her constantly". My tears started then and Teresa came over and gave me a big hug. "I'll go see if I can hurry them up so you can go in"
"Okay thanks." I grabbed the tissue she offered and wiped my eyes.
I still see her in her hospital bed wired up with tubes all over the place unfortunately its my last memory of Lisa and one I find hard to deal with....
I never went home Jimmy, Teresa and I stayed with her Friday night and all day Saturday then Saturday night. We talked to her constantly hoping it would help bring her round desperate for some kind of sign. Teresa left to go home to her kids on the Sunday and to help with Stephanie and the boys and I stayed with Jimmy. I remember the conversation we had with the doctor sitting in the relatives room with him.
"The results of the scan showed that Lisa has had a bleed on the brain. We judge bleeds by a scale of one to five, one being the lowest and the easiest to recover from and five being the highest and the worst one. I'm afraid Lisa's bleed shows as a four its extremely unlikely she will come round from this".
I looked at Jimmy my mouth hung open and he looked at me and we cried and held each other as we listened to the rest of the doctors words. "What we need to do next is a serious of tests to check Lisa for brain activity that will determine as to whether or not we turn off the life support machines".
"Right"
"So if there is anyone that needs to come and see her and say goodbye then I think it would be a good idea to call them"
"Okay" Jimmy and I stood up and looked at each other I think we both knew even then what the results would be.
The machines were turned off later that day and I remember walking into the corridor and just sliding down the wall and crying and crying and crying. It was left to Jimmy and I to go back to the house and tell the boys their mum was gone it was a horrifying task and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Stephanie was ten months old and the boys were eleven and twelve, how do you break the news that they're never gonna see their mummy again?? But between us we managed it, I still believe it wasn't our job and that it should have been Lisa's immediate family that had the task of breaking the news but they were nowhere to be seen. In the three days she was in the hospital dying they turned up once and spent all of half an hour with her. For that, I can never forgive, I remember thinking I hope to god when I die my family care enough to actually show up at my bedside and spend some time with me?
Five years have past, Jimmy moved on quite quickly after Lisa died it took him less than seven weeks in fact and I found it hard to forgive him for that. Then he did the ultimate no no and split her family he kept the boys and sent Stephanie to his sisters saying his girlfriend and him couldn't cope with a baby. It wasn't long after that they replaced her with a child of their own and that did it for me and I had to walk away. Lisa would never have wanted her family split because it had happened to her when she'd been separated from her younger brother Mark. Jimmy moved away with the boys and his girlfriend and her kids and their baby not long after and I have no idea where they are. But the boys know me and I'm sure one day they will look me up. I go as often as I can to see Stephanie but not as often as I'd like she's growing up so fast. It was my job to tell her about her mum when she got older, she knows she has a second mummy and often goes to visit her grave with Teresa. Unfortunately I may not have that chance now if I'm not around for long enough but I have promised Teresa I will write a letter to her and tell her all about her mummy and my bestest friend Lisa. The one thing I do know is that when I die Lisa will be at the other side waiting for me with a big glass of wine and a welcoming smile.
Love you Lisa xx
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