I've had a bad couple of days been a bit down but I always am this time of year. Its a bugger really cos it coincides with mum and dads anniversary every year. Lisa, my best friend died five years ago on the 25th March I still miss her terribly. What I miss more is the fact that I hardly have any photos of us together. Its one of those things you take them as you're growing up but inevitably they get lost somewhere along the way. We met at high school aged 14, Lisa's dad had died of cancer just before we met. Her mum had sent her to live with her grandparents in Horbury as Lisa was a bit of a handful, so she enrolled at the same school as me and we hit it off.
We were pretty much inseparable after that I went to her gran and grandads or she came to me. We had our ups and downs like all friends but we were always there for each other when needed.
I was bridesmaid at her wedding when she got married at 18 after falling pregnant with her son Luke, and I was Luke's godmother. Less than two years later I fell pregnant with Jenna and found myself without a partner, cos he dumped me and she was a great help throughout my pregnancy advising me what it would be like etc. I'd seen how natural she was with Luke and I helped her out looking after him it helped me to get used to each other. Jenna was born and I spent lots of time around at Lisa's for the first eighteen months of Jenna's life.
Then I met Rae and threw myself into my new relationship. Lisa was working and also had Luke and her husband Craig. They were going through a rocky patch Craig wasn't the nicest of people when he'd had a drink. They were far too young to have gotten married they hadn't been ready for the responsibility of a child and in all honesty I think they were just not suited. Lisa began seeing someone else and I got dragged into it and we fell out. I lost my best friend and I was gutted in all honesty but I soldiered on. Rae and I married and had our son Logan but I never really gained that friendship back with anyone else and I often thought about her and wondered what she was doing. I heard she'd moved away and left Luke with his dad but I had no idea why, I had been shocked at the time and I didn't understand the reasons behind it.
Rae and I were married and we had Logan and life moved on, but I never had a friendship like the one I had with Lisa, I missed her. Rae and I were together eight years before we separated, it was a difficult time in my life but it was the right decision for me at the time and one I have no regrets over. It was by chance a couple of months later that I bumped into Lisa's gran and grandad on a bus they filled me in on Lisa's life and told me she was married again with two boys and had moved to Wales. They said she often spoke about me and wanted to get in touch so I gave them my address and phone number and told them to pass it on.
I still remember reading the letter she wrote it dropped through my letter box a week later she filled me in on her life poured her heart out over Luke and I felt excited as I picked up the phone that evening and rang her. We talked on the phone that evening for hours and it was like the past ten years didn't matter. Then she told me she was coming to visit the following weekend and I was ecstatic I couldn't wait.
The following weekend she pulled up with her husband Tony and her two children Connor and Callum. I remember she looked stunning in her size eight clothes I even remember the clothes she was wearing that day. We talked for hours filled each other in on our lives and promised this time we would stay in touch, and we did. I went for holidays to wales where she lived and she came to stay with me if we weren't seeing each other we were on the phone it was brilliant to have my friend back.
When she split with Tony some years later and turned up on my doorstep with her two boys and some bin bags I didn't hesitate and let her stay. She applied for a house to the council locally and got herself a place in a hostel so she could get housing quicker. I was the first one she told when she found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks later. She was happy but sad at the same time not knowing how she would cope with three kids on her own. Then she got a house in Kettlethorpe and two weeks later rang me to tell me she'd started seeing someone. "Its like I've known him all my life, his name's Jimmy he's younger than me but he's lovely Loraine you have to meet him". We met in Wakefield the following week and she introduced me to Jimmy her bloke. He was a lovely lad we had a coffee and a chat he was great with the boys and I could see how happy she was she glowed it was the one and only time I'd seen her smile so much. Then she went into early labour with Stephanie and I got a phone call from her "I've had a little girl" she told me. "She's so tiny though Loraine, I don't think she'll make it" she had only been 27 weeks pregnant and I was worried too. "I haven't even told my Nana and grandad I'm pregnant" she sobbed.
"Do you want me to tell them?" I asked her.
"Would you?"
"Of course I will and I'll be over to see you tomorrow" with shaky fingers I picked up the phone and rang Lisa's grandma.
"Hi Muriel its Loraine"
"Oh Loraine how lovely to hear from you" she responded. "John, its Loraine on the phone can you turn the oven down for me?"
"Is it a bad time?" I asked her.
"No love its fine. Have you seen our Lisa lately?"
"That's the reason for my call Muriel, I have some news for you, its good and bad news are you sitting down?"
"Oh no, whats happened what's she done?" I could hear the shakiness of her voice and I swallowed hard.
"Well the thing is she didn't tell you that she's pregnant"
"I thought she was putting weight on, so she's asked you to call and tell us has she?"
"No. the thing is Muriel she was 27 weeks pregnant"
"Was?"
"She went into labour last night Muriel and you have a grand daughter Stephanie, she's tiny and she's in special care"
"Oh my goodness, what hospital?"
"They're at Pontefract general Muriel. She's scared and I think she needs her nan"
"Thank you Loraine we'll go right now".
"I think she'll be very happy to see you. I'm going to go tomorrow"
"Okay Loraine, and thanks for calling". I remember feeling relieved as I put down the phone it had gone better than expected.
The following day I went to the hospital to see baby Stephanie armed with my camera she was indeed tiny her skin was transparent I put my finger through the hole of her sealed incubator. The tip of my middle finger to the knuckle was the same size as Stephanie's head. Shockingly she was about thirty three centimetres in length but the nurses said all early signs were good, and she was gorgeous. She told me how her labour had been quick and Jimmy had stayed with her throughout it all.
"Thanks for ringing my Nana they've been up constantly and they seem to like Jimmy".
"What isn't there to like?" I smiled. "You've known him what four weeks and he stayed with you for your labour, I think you have a good one there love. Don't let him go"
"I won't" she smiled. "He's asked me to move in with him, I know its fast but I'm considering it"
"Well why don't you then you seem so happy when he's around Lisa. You don't have to give up your house do a trial run see how it goes. If it works then give up the house and move in with him. If it doesn't you've nothing to loose".
"You think?"
"If you have a chance of happiness you go for it. It doesn't come round very often". We saw each other more and more after that. We often met for a coffee in town or I would go to hers and Jimmy's. Those days were fabulous. When I split with my boyfriend and went on a downer Jimmy paid for me and the kids to get a taxi through to theirs and we stayed for the weekend. Around that time I was over there every other weekend. Logan got on well with Connor and Callum and loved going and Jenna quite liked Jimmy's younger brother who was around her age so she didn't mind going either. Those days were the best I had my best mate back and she was happy.
It was the second week of March 2007 when I saw her last, we had a very surreal conversation that evening about dying. She'd told me how her Nana and grandad had said to her they were re-doing their will and how she was to be included I remember she looked right at me and said. "I've told them just to put the kids in it, because they will outlive me".
"Don't be daft" I'd replied.
"No I'm serious I've always had a feeling I won't live beyond my dads age"
"You're being morbid now" I remember I'd said.
"You'll see" she'd smiled and replied.
It was 2am on Friday the 23rd March that I got a phone call I still remember it vividly. "Is that Loraine?"
"Yes"
"Its Jimmy's mum Pauline Loraine, I'm afraid I have some bad news are you sitting down love?"
"Whats wrong Pauline?"
"Its Lisa she collapsed this evening she was rushed to Pontefract general, she's in some sort of coma. They're transferring her to Leeds general infirmary by ambulance now".
"Oh my god"
"Its not looking good love I'm afraid she hasn't regained consciousness. They're transferring her to the neuro critical care unit".
"Can I see her?"
"I'd wait til morning as soon as I have a telephone number and know what ward she is on I will ring and let you know".
"Okay Pauline thanks so much. I want to go see her as soon as I can though so please ring me sooner rather than later". I'd put the phone down and cried myself to sleep on the settee the phone at the side of me waiting for a call. I was due at work the following morning at that time I worked in a call centre for HSBC bank. I remember ringing and speaking to one of my old team leaders Suzanne at the time. "Suzanne its Loraine, I need some time off compassionate leave or something I'll take holidays anything".
"Whats up love?"
"Its my best mate Lisa she collapsed early hours of this morning she's in some kind of coma at Leeds general infirmary I'm really sorry but she's like my sister, she has three kids I have to go see her, she's in critical care and it sounds serious. Please can I just not come in today?"
"Oh bloody hell, listen do what you have to do love we'll work it out when you get back. I know if it was my best mate I'd go so go".
"Okay thanks Suzanne. I'll let you know what happens".
"Okay love". I'd rung my mum next Logan was at his dads, Jenna was 15 at the time and still at school I arranged for her to have Jenna for the weekend and told her why. It was ten am the following morning when Pauline rang and told me exactly where she was and I jumped in a cab and headed to the hospital. I knew it would cost me but I didn't care I needed to get there. The cab pulled up and I got in.
"Where too love?"
"Leeds general infirmary" I told him.
"Are you sure, that's gonna cost you?" he asked me.
"How much?"
"About twenty probably" he'd replied.
"Okay take me to a cash point and I'll give you twenty five if you can get me there fast" I'd answered.
"No worries" he'd smiled. "Its an emergency I take it?"
"Yeah my best mate she's collapsed she's in the neuro intensive care unit I need to get there as quick as I can".
"Sorry to hear that love, its no problem though I'll put my foot down for ya"
"Thanks I appreciate it". I don't think he minded that I never uttered another word for the whole journey. He dropped me outside the door and I practically threw the twenty five quid at him and ran to the information desk to find out how I got to intensive care. There was a buzzer on the door.
"I'm here to see Lisa Ambrose"
"Okay come through the door straight ahead is the relatives room if you'd like to take a seat in there someone will come out and get you".
"Okay thanks" on shaky legs I'd walked into the room. Sat across from me were a man and a woman I smiled and they smiled back. It was a good five minutes later when the woman spoke.
"Are you Loraine, by any chance?"
"Yes that's right, sorry do I know you?"
"I'm Jimmy's sister Teresa and this is my husband Chris"
"Oh, hi nice to meet you both. Is anyone in there at the moment?"
"Jimmy's in with her, he's hardly left her side and Luke's just arrived".
"Luke?"
"Yes Lisa's Nana and grandad brought him up they've just gone for a walk, Stephanie was getting a little grizzly so they took her for a walk. Mums at home with the boys she's not good in hospitals"
"Oh right. Lisa's Nana and grandad took Stephanie home last night with them and my mum had the boys three of them was just a little much for her".
"Ah I see. How bad is it Teresa?"
"In all honesty love I'm not sure. They said she may be able to hear though so Jimmy's been talking to her constantly". My tears started then and Teresa came over and gave me a big hug. "I'll go see if I can hurry them up so you can go in"
"Okay thanks." I grabbed the tissue she offered and wiped my eyes.
I still see her in her hospital bed wired up with tubes all over the place unfortunately its my last memory of Lisa and one I find hard to deal with....
I never went home Jimmy, Teresa and I stayed with her Friday night and all day Saturday then Saturday night. We talked to her constantly hoping it would help bring her round desperate for some kind of sign. Teresa left to go home to her kids on the Sunday and to help with Stephanie and the boys and I stayed with Jimmy. I remember the conversation we had with the doctor sitting in the relatives room with him.
"The results of the scan showed that Lisa has had a bleed on the brain. We judge bleeds by a scale of one to five, one being the lowest and the easiest to recover from and five being the highest and the worst one. I'm afraid Lisa's bleed shows as a four its extremely unlikely she will come round from this".
I looked at Jimmy my mouth hung open and he looked at me and we cried and held each other as we listened to the rest of the doctors words. "What we need to do next is a serious of tests to check Lisa for brain activity that will determine as to whether or not we turn off the life support machines".
"Right"
"So if there is anyone that needs to come and see her and say goodbye then I think it would be a good idea to call them"
"Okay" Jimmy and I stood up and looked at each other I think we both knew even then what the results would be.
The machines were turned off later that day and I remember walking into the corridor and just sliding down the wall and crying and crying and crying. It was left to Jimmy and I to go back to the house and tell the boys their mum was gone it was a horrifying task and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Stephanie was ten months old and the boys were eleven and twelve, how do you break the news that they're never gonna see their mummy again?? But between us we managed it, I still believe it wasn't our job and that it should have been Lisa's immediate family that had the task of breaking the news but they were nowhere to be seen. In the three days she was in the hospital dying they turned up once and spent all of half an hour with her. For that, I can never forgive, I remember thinking I hope to god when I die my family care enough to actually show up at my bedside and spend some time with me?
Five years have past, Jimmy moved on quite quickly after Lisa died it took him less than seven weeks in fact and I found it hard to forgive him for that. Then he did the ultimate no no and split her family he kept the boys and sent Stephanie to his sisters saying his girlfriend and him couldn't cope with a baby. It wasn't long after that they replaced her with a child of their own and that did it for me and I had to walk away. Lisa would never have wanted her family split because it had happened to her when she'd been separated from her younger brother Mark. Jimmy moved away with the boys and his girlfriend and her kids and their baby not long after and I have no idea where they are. But the boys know me and I'm sure one day they will look me up. I go as often as I can to see Stephanie but not as often as I'd like she's growing up so fast. It was my job to tell her about her mum when she got older, she knows she has a second mummy and often goes to visit her grave with Teresa. Unfortunately I may not have that chance now if I'm not around for long enough but I have promised Teresa I will write a letter to her and tell her all about her mummy and my bestest friend Lisa. The one thing I do know is that when I die Lisa will be at the other side waiting for me with a big glass of wine and a welcoming smile.
Love you Lisa xx
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