20th April - 21st April - Operation oh god!

"Its getting late" I wiped my tears looking up at Lee.
"Yes but I think we should wait to I can see the surgeons with you.".
"I know that love but it could be the early hours of the morning before they turn up and that multi-storey car park shuts early. You don't want to get stranded and not be able to get out".
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
"I might have another wobble but I'll manage, go on you look knackered go. Can you call in and tell my mum and dad for me. I'd rather they heard it face to face.
"Okay I'll call in at the club to see your dad and then we can both go tell your mum".
"Thanks".
Antonietta called in to see me as Lee left. "Do you want me to give you something to perhaps help you sleep tonight Loraine?"
"Yes I'd like that I think I'll need something" as soon as the words left my mouth I began to cry again.
"Aw Loraine, come here" Antonietta put her arms round me and pulled me into a hug.  "I don't know what to say love, Cancer just stinks doesn't it?"  I nodded through my tears. "Do you think there is any way they would let me stay on this ward tonight Antonietta there's no way I can face sharing  a room at the minute."
" Don't worry I've been on to the bed manager and I've explained you're really distressed and that i think we should keep you here tonight. She's not an ogre and understands why, she's doing her best to make it so you can stay here as well."
"Thank you so much."
"Hey its okay hows Lee handling the fact that its back"
"Well outwardly he's just saying don't worry love its just more chemo or surgery you'll get through this. Problem is Antonietta  I don't think I could cope with more surgery and possibly another bag.."
"Lets  just take one step at a time and see what the surgeons say".  There was a knock on the door at that point and two men wearing scrubs stood in the doorway.
"Loraine McEvoy?"
"That's me!" I replied.
"We haven't met before. But we've been asked to take a look at your CT scan and the options of surgery." My eyes filled with tears I couldn't help it the thought of another op scared me more than dying. Antonietta made her excuses and left the room to leave us to talk.
"Can I just stop you there," The man stopped speaking and looked at me.
"If I said game over and that I didn't want any surgery what would you say?"
"I would say think again. The surgery will give you longer and to be honest we don't have any option. This isn't optional  surgery..."
"I don't understand"
"Okay what do you know of the spread and how the tumour stands just now?"
"I've been told that its grown into a mass and has blocked off part of my bowel causing and obstruction and has also torn it slightly leaving me with the chance of contracting peritonitis which will mean game over anyway?"
"Ah right" he cast a look at his colleague and then looked back at me. "That's not entirely the whole story. It hasn't just stopped at your bowel you see its grown behind your bowel Loraine its made contact with your stoma, if I'm right you've been getting lots of pain when you change your bags and press on the site where your stoma is situated, is that right?"
"Yes"
"And the reason why you've been getting so many urine infections is that we suspect you right urethra tube has also become involved with the cancer and possibly the right kidney too." Tears began to fall again.  "I hear you are newly married so we need to get you well again so we can give you a little longer with your husband, okay?" I nodded and listened.
"And when will that be?"
"Well if you were at deaths door we would have been talking taking you into theatre tonight. But, you're not so we're possibly looking at next week. We need to reconstruct your stoma again, who did your original surgery?"
"It was at Pinderfields hospital in Wakefield by Mr Chalhal"
"Right so we need to find you a Urologist from here or see if Mr Chalhal is willing to come here to do the surgery. It will be pretty much the same as your last operation I imagine there will be two surgeons from general surgery and two surgeons from the urology side to do the stoma reconstruction it will be a long complicated operation but I'm sure it can be done" he assured me.  "There will be a big meeting held tomorrow at which point your case will be discussed and decisions will me made and then we will come back to you with the dates of your surgery."
"Okay thanks". And that was it he was really reassuring and I felt quite upbeat about it all when he left. I rang Lee to ask about how it had gone with mum and dad and briefly spoke to them then I told him what the surgeons had said.
"As much as I'm dreading it, it gives us hope and possibly the chance of a little bit longer with each other although I'll probably be off my feet for a few months afterwards".
"Well its better than nothing. We'll come in tomorrow for Dr Jagdev's rounds in the morning I had a word and the registrar said it wouldn't be a problem and understood we would have questions she said to come in around ten o'clock but if anything changes let me know".
"Okay love I will night and sleep well". I'd just put the phone down when Antonietta re-appeared to do my new fluids.
"Where they nice what did they have to say?" she asked me.
"Well it looks like I'm having surgery from what they've said I don't have any options left but its not an emergency yet unless peritonitis kicks in.  They can't give me an exact date just yet but will know more after a meeting that should be happening tomorrow morning. Will Dr Jagdev be able to tell me more tomorrow on rounds?"
"I Imagine so she will be at the meeting so may know more".
"The registrar said it would be okay for Lee and my parents to come in during rounds tomorrow so they could put any questions to Dr Jagdev, so I just wanted to check if this was okay with you?"
"Of course they can, that will be fine I'll square it with ward sister in the morning."
"Great thanks".
"Right I'll go get your fluids and your antibiotics and I'll be right back".
"There may be a problem" I told her.
"Whats that?"
"I appear to have sprung a leak" I showed her my hand.
"Yes you have your cannula needs re-siting so I best find a doctor first."
"Could we delay it by ten minutes so I can have a shower beforehand and get ready for bed?"
"Yes, two minutes" she disappeared and brought back some towels. "You're not moving beds I just found out so you're here for the night as soon as you get out the shower though I need you to beep me and I'll get a doctor to redo the cannula".
"Can't you do it?"
"Well I can give it a go if that's what you want. I just don't want to hurt you."
"Trust me you can't be any worse than some of the idiots I've had."
"Okay i will give it a go you go have your shower".  She said disconnecting me from the drip stand. I took my time in the shower contemplating the thought of yet another operation and them redoing my stoma. It was a scary thought.  My time in Pinderfields in 2010 hadn't been plain sailing and I'd hated being in hospital away from everyone. But, I guess they knew best and it needed to be done.  At least Lee and Mum and dad would be here for ward rounds in the morning maybe seeing Dr Jagdev and her team would give me more information.
Antonietta actually re sited my cannula without too much pain I was pleasantly surprised she brought with her two sleeping tablets and I took them in the hope they would knock me out. The last thing I needed was time to think.

Lee turned up the next morning with Mum and Dad in tow ready for the medical team coming round. There were quite a few tears shed from my mum, and my dads eyes filled up a few times.  I was examined when Dr Jagdev came round then she asked me what the surgeons had said the night before.
"Well they said I have no choice that they will have to carry out an operation as my stoma is blocked and it needs to be re-sited away from the cancer in order for it to drain as normal" I told her.
"Well what's going to happen is there will be a meeting regarding your case involving all the surgical teams needed on Monday morning a decision will then be made with regards to surgery and when it takes place and what it will involve. We will then come and see you and advise you what has been decided. Do you have any questions?" she asked my mum and dad.
"I thought the meeting was taking place today?" My mum and dad asked.
"The general surgeons aren't in today. The on call team that saw Loraine yesterday had forgotten it was Friday and that the meeting wouldn't happen on a Saturday, I'm sorry".
"Is there a risk with the surgery that we could loose Loraine?" Dad asked.
"Yes there's a risk with any surgery and obviously with the spread of the cancer and the fact that Loraine's cancer has proven to be so aggressive gives a bigger risk to life. But if we don't operate we don't have any other options. We gave Loraine the strongest chemotherapy that we had and unfortunately instead of helping Loraine's tumours and shrinking them they have metastasised and exploded into a greater mass."
"Can I have this PICC line taken out and a new one putting in? They're having to canulate me because its blocked and its been re sited ten times since Thursday and trust me when you don't have any veins it bloody hurts" I moaned.
"Yes we can arrange for that to be done later this afternoon for you Loraine. Then we will look at putting a new one in prior to surgery".
"Okay thanks".
"Right we will be back to see you on Monday, okay?"
"Okay thanks".
Well we had all the answers the only option was surgery and even that wasn't guaranteed. Lee gave me a cuddle when Dr Jagdev left and mum sat on the bed.
"You'll get through this"
"I know" I smiled at her. "Don't worry. But, you best be making tracks if you're coming back to visit later, otherwise you'll have no time".
"Yes okay."
"And so you know, Lee is going to the charity quiz thing that Sue has arranged tonight and he's stopping over. He needs to go because Sue needs the money I'm donating to the kids and I'm glad he's going so he needs a break".
"Oh okay", mum looked unsure.
"So no giving him a hard time because I've asked him to go. You and dad are coming this afternoon which means Lee can get off and Jenna's coming up later with Sam so visits are sorted out".
"Okay, anything you fancy us bringing later?"
"No mum I'm fine. oh actually maybe some more magazines or puzzle things would be good I'm getting a tad bored again".
"Okay love" she gave me a kiss and walked to the door.
"You have a good time" I told Lee "and tell everyone I wish I could be there and I'm sorry I wasn't okay?" My eyes filled with tears cos I really did envy him being able to go. Lee looked at me concerned and cupped my face.
"I won't go if its going to upset you not being there..."
"You bloody will Sue's relying on that money. Which reminds me I'll walk you down to the cash point and draw out the money I haven't given you it yet".
"Well I was gonna get you to write a cheque cos I brought the cheque book for you"
"No I promised cash and cash it will be, come on help me into my dressing gown".
"Okay love". I walked them all to the lift drip stand in tow and headed to the cashpoint. Lee handed me my bank cards and I handed him the cash. Stupid cashpoint would only let me take £250 though so I had to take the money out of two seperate bank accounts. I gave Lee an extra £50.
"Whats that for?"
"To make sure you have a good time and buy a few drinks for Sue and Nick etc" I owe them big style. Lee gave me a hug and a kiss. I said bye to mum and dad and headed to the shop to see if I could tempt myself with anything. I bought a bar of dairy milk and headed back to the lift and back to my room.  I rang Sue when I got back to the room and told her I'd given Lee the money for the charity auction and told her how sorry I was not to be going.
"You just get better Mrs McEvoy and I'll come see you real soon. Thanks again for the donation they are overwhelmed at the school especially since they know what you're going through".
"Tell them I'm still human and know a good cause when I see one and to spend it wisely".
"I will".
"And make sure Lee lets his hair down and enjoys himself".
"I will Nick and dad will be there to look after him along with Simon and Kim".
"Okay I will say goodbye cos I fancy a nap before visiting starts again".
"Alright bye friend"
"Bye".
"Loraine? Loraine?" The Scottish voice woke me up and I half expected seeing one of my relatives at the bottom of my hospital bed. Instead it was one of the doctors I'd seen on rounds with Dr Jagdev on Saturday.
"I've been assigned to remove your PICC line for you. Its not working anymore is that right?"
"Um yes that's right".
"Okay well I'll just go and get some bits and pieces then I'll be back"
"Okay thanks".
He looked quite nervous as he began pulling on the wire, I felt a tugging sensation and looked away but it didn't hurt it just felt really weird. Within seconds it was done, I couldn't believe the length of the wire that had been sitting inside me since October it was double my arm length almost.  The doctor taking it out told me his name and I'm sure it was something Scottish but for the life in me I cannot remember his name.
"Right all done Loraine, just press on there for me a minute you're bleeding slightly I'll just stick the gauze over it and when it stops you can take it off".
"Okay thanks".
"They are gonna schedule for a new one putting in either Monday or Tuesday next week and that should make things easier for you then. I take it you have no veins?"
"Nope they've had to re site the cannula about ten times so far cos my veins keep collapsing. Its bloody painful when you don't have any".
"I bet. Right I better get on see you later".  My arm felt a bit tender but it was okay I curled up on my bed and went back for another snooze still feeling tired.
I was surprised when Leona and Jo turned up this afternoon along with my mum and dad I hadn't known Jo was coming but it was nice to see her.  We had a good catch up and I told her all about the forthcoming operation and how I wasn't entirely happy about the idea.
"You're bound to be scared Loraine, but if its your only chance, you have to take it love"
"I know. Just dreading it especially if its as bad as it was last time. At least I know what to expect though right?"  Mum and dad sat looking lost at the corner of the room. Leona tried to engage them in conversation but I could see she was having a hard time.
"We're gonna go down for a coffee can I get you anything?" Mum asked us all.
"No I'm fine. Are you bored?" I asked her, she looked at me.
"No I just thought we should let you talk with your friends and we'll come back up for the second hour of visiting".
"Oh right. Well yes if you don't mind?"
"Well your dad wants a coffee so I'll go with him. Shall I bring you back anything?"
"No I'm fine honestly".
"Okay give us a kiss and we'll see you soon" Mum said leaning over and giving me a kiss. Dad bent over as far as his belly would allow and gave me a hug.
"Bye Leona, bye Jo see you in a bit" they waved and left.
"Sorry I didn't know you were coming" I apologised to Leona and Jo if I had I'd have re-arranged my mum and dads visit".
"Its okay don't worry about it. We could have gone for a walk though I should have thought"
"No its fine honestly".
"So how are the kids?"
"I haven't seen them yet but apparently Logan's really worried and wants to see me. I just want to get a good day before he comes up. So perhaps Tuesday he'll come with Lee. Jenna's coming to see me with Sam later on tonight".
"Oh is this the new boyfriend then?"
"Yep he's not her type, very shy and reserved and well just not her type. If you have a look on face book you will recognise him he was in CSC whilst you and I were there on Jo Jeffries team I definitely know the face".
"Oh right I'll have a nosey when I get a minute on Ashleigh's face book"
"I forgot you don't have an account. I'll pull it up now"  I went onto the Internet opened my face book page and looked up Sam and then showed Jo the picture. 
"Yep I know who you mean. Definitely not Jenna's type"
"Exactly" I agreed. I won't give it long though. Don't get me wrong he's really good to her I just think Jenna will get bored cos he's nice".
"You never know he might settle her down" Leona chipped in.
"God I can but hope Leona, but I doubt it". It was nice to see them again I hadn't seen them since our wedding in January. I missed Jo we didn't see so much of each other now cos she was always working stupid shift times. We'd had a really good natter and catch up when mum and dad re-appeared.
"I bought you some muffins" Mum handed me over a pack of five mini muffins from Costa coffee.
"I said I didn't want anything" I told her.
"Well I thought I might be able to tempt you. Save them for later if you don't want them now".
"Okay thanks mum".
"The rains really bad outside love and I'm not keen on driving when its so heavy so we might get off earlier if that's okay with you?" Dad said just after Jo and Leona had said their goodbyes and left.
"Yes okay".
"We can stay if you want?" Mum chipped in scowling at my dad.
"No its fine. I know dads not keen on driving when its raining its fine seriously you get yourselves off. I'm sure I'll find something to amuse myself with".
"If you're sure?"
"Yes I'm sure we can talk later".
"Okay bye then" she lent over and hugged me followed by my dad and then they were gone. 
"Hiya did you arrive okay?" I asked Lee as he answered the phone it was just after seven and he'd promised he would ring when he got to Sue's as we had a habit of getting lost on the way there. Although we could find our way home no problem lol.
"Oh shit I didn't call you, sorry love"
"I'll let you off I was worried though as we always get lost going to Sue's and you promised you'd call".
"Sorry I was late getting to Sue's and then I got hooked up talking to John when I walked in I completely forgot".
"Hmm out of sight out of mind" there was silence on the other end. "I'm only joking" I laughed. "Just say hi make sure you give Sue the money and have a bloody good time. I'll ring you about ten to say night if that's okay".
"Of course it is. I'll make sure Sue's available to talk to you then as well her and Nick are running round like headless chickens trying to sort the quiz out it should have started fifteen minutes ago but some of the teams haven't turned up yet."
"Well you better get yourself sat down and try hard then" I laughed.
"I'll do my best. I'm on the team with Celia, John, Nick, Kim and Simon so we should do okay between us".
"Good luck then talk to you later" we blew each other a kiss and hung up. 
"Sorry about that" I apologised to Jenna and Sam who had walked in during my phone call to Lee. "He said he'd call and he didn't I was worried he'd got lost again".
"Its fine I got you these, gran said you mentioned you fancied some" she handed me over a box of Liquorice Allsorts.
"Aw thanks love" I gave her a kiss and a hug.
"So are you okay Sam?" I asked him. He looked like a little nervous kitten sitting on the chair at the side of my bed.
"Yes I'm fine Loraine thanks".
"So whats the news?" Jenna asked me.  "Gran said they're gonna operate?"
"Yep just waiting for a date. The tumours behind my stoma so they need to unblock it otherwise I could go into renal failure". she looked puzzled.
"My kidneys could pack up" I re-phrased it for her.
"Oh right, that's not good".
"No, which is why they have to operate. So I'm just waiting for a date. They should be coming back to me on Monday with a date then we will know more.  By this time I was munching my way through the box of sweets. It was then I remembered my manners and offered some to Jenna and Sam. Jenna took some but Sam didn't.
"Was there anything else we could have brought you?"
"No honestly I'm fine. Its just boring sitting here in these four walls. If it wasn't for this TV and Internet thing above my bed I'd go crazy. It costs a bloody fortune to use it though".
"Why how much is it?"
"Twenty quid for three days. So its already cost me forty quid".
"Bloody hell that's a bit steep"
"I know".
"Have you seen what Sam's bought me?" Jenna pulled out a laptop.
"You are joking?" it was gorgeous and not cheap. "Sam you need to stop spoiling her" I warned him. "She will walk all over you if you let her" I added.
"MUM" Jenna chastised me smiling.
"Its true.  And all this going for McDonald's at stupid times of day and night cos her ladyship wants one has got to stop. You tell her no".
"I don't mind" Sam told me. "And her laptop was broken she needed a new one and I could afford it".
"Well get her to do all your washing and clean your flat and make you some meals to compensate" I told him. Jenna frowned at me "Don't take advantage of this poor defenceless man" I warned her and she smiled. "One day he will tell you where to go if you do and you will loose the best thing that's happened to you for a long time".
"I won't" she promised but she smiled and looked at me from under her long eyelashes with a knowing glint in her eye. Both she and I knew if she clicked her fingers Sam would go running. She just had the gift for making blokes fall at her feet. I didn't agree with it but there was nothing I could do to change her unfortunately. It was Sam I felt sorry for he was inexperienced with women Jenna was his first girlfriend and he was smitten. There wasn't a chance of him growing a backbone and dumping her but unfortunately I could see it happening the other way round and sooner rather than later because if Jenna gets what she wants she gets bored eventually and moves on. I have no idea where she gets it from. I was never that confident with guys and certainly never got what I wanted. In one way I admire my daughter because of her confidence with the opposite sex in another way I worry about her getting a reputation for being a bit of a man eater.  Sam hardly said a word through the visit just smiled and chuckled a bit now and then. He was definitely nervous around me maybe cos I said it how it was with regards to Jenna. Unfortunately I didn't see the relationship lasting he was too nice, too reliable, and had no bad habits... not Jenna's type she went for bad boys a bit like I did at her age and Sam fit none of that criteria. It was after eight before they both left I'd been glad of their company but I was a bit tired now. I went in search of a nurse to unhook me from my drip so I could get ready for bed.  It was just after nine when I got into bed in my pyjamas and settled down for the night. I completely forgot about ringing Lee at ten.