On Friday Lee and I sat off for Missy Moo's and an overnight visit to Wilsden. We have been loads of times now and know the way back like the back of our hands. But for some reason we always go wrong on the way there. We take the M1, the the M62 and are supposed to come off at the M606 and then take the turning for Bradford inner ring road and follow the signs for Bronte country. However, I have gotten it into my head the last two times we've been not to come off at the M606 and we've ended up at the back of beyond. Once again we came to the M606 and I told Lee it was the next junction... and it wasn't. So this time round we ended up lost in Bradford City Centre, without our sat nav as its been at Sue's since she borrowed it when she came over for the wedding. So there's Lee panicking cos he doesn't know where he is and me trying hard to look for a signpost that pointed us in the direction of Wilsden or Haworth as I knew if we got to Haworth we were nearby. In the end I got on the phone to Sue.
"We're lost we're facing Bradford Opera House any ideas?"
"Oh its no good asking me I have no sense of direction you need to look for signposts that direct you towards Bingley, keighley, Haworth or Wilsden if you find one follow it and then follow signs for wilsden and you will find me"
"Okay thanks Sue I'll ring you if we need you again". So eventually we pulled in at a petrol station and asked for directions. Lee came back with a hand drawn map and we were finally back on track after around an hour of driving around Bradford city centre. We spotted a sign for Wilsden and headed towards it eagerly. It was a relief when I spotted a farm house and saw a road I recognised.
"Ooh ooh I know where we are, if we drive to the bottom of this road we get to the roundabout where there are turnoffs for Harden and Wilsden we need to go straight through and follow that road".
Lee grinned across at me and sighed a huge sigh of relief that we were finally nearly there. I then went through the stages of pointing out different landmarks to him.
"Yes there's the co op and coming up on the right are Simon and Kim's offices and when we get to the bottom of the hill we go left". So we took a left passing loads of work vans and dumper trucks and a big sign that said Road ahead closed. "ooh wonder what we do now?" I looked at Lee and he looked at me. "We need to go left where that van is" I told him. "I think it will be access only. If it isn't someone will stop us" so we moved forward turned left and finally there was Sue and Nicks house.
"We're here" I let out a shriek of delight and gave Lee a big kiss and cuddle as he got out of the car. "Sorry" I apologised. "Next time we'll come off at the M606".
"Hello, we're here" Lee opened the door and Sue's head appeared at the top of the stairs.
"Hi I'll be right down" and she chuckled. "At least you got here eventually".
"Yeah we did". we put the bags in the hallway and walked into the lounge and I plonked myself on her settee and reclined it back. I love Sue's settee. Sue entered the lounge and gave lee a hug first then me.
"You look a bit grey" she told me.
"I was sick before we set off." I told her.
"Do you feel okay?"
"I just feel really tired" I replied.
"Well we're not due at the Fleece until six so why don't you go for a sleep?" she suggested.
"Yeah I might have forty winks on your settee" I replied.
"What about tea, we were going to bring something over with us".
"Well I was thinking about doing a fish pie, do you like fish pie?"
"I'm not keen in all honesty Sue" I told her.
"Well we could do chicken for you and lee and I could have a fish pie we can just do you more potato and do you chicken, mash and veg and Lee and I can have fish pie. Okay with you Lee?" Lee nodded.
"I love fish pie fine by me" he replied. So I reclined back on Sue's sofa and went for a snooze whilst they both got the tea underway.
It was about five thirty when I woke up to the smell of chicken, it smelt gorgeous. I went in the kitchen to find Lee busy cleaning with the food on the go.
"Where's Sue?"
"In the shower, teas nearly ready" he told me. I gave him a huge hug. "You're good to me you are"
"How you feeling?"
"Better after that sleep" I told him. "It was just what I needed. I'll go set the table, shall I?"
"Well ask Sue if she wants to eat at the table or on our knees I'm not fussed".
"Sue?" The hairdryer switched off. "Sue?"
"Yes?"
"Teas nearly ready shall I set the table or do you want to eat on our knees?"
"Set the table" she shouted back down. "I just need to dry my hair then I'll be down"
"Okay" so I got a cloth and wiped down the table mats and laid the table with knifes and forks ready for our tea. "Sue's just drying her hair she'll be down in five" I told Lee.
"Okay I'm just plating up".
I sat at the table with my meal in front of me and my stomach churning.
"Don't you like it?" Sue asked.
"Its really nice, its just my stomach its going somersaults again. I'm eating it just really slowly".
"This fish pie is really nice. Don't you agree Lee?"
"Yes its lovely".
I pushed the food around my plate and ate a small amount of mash potato and some chicken and vegetables. But I wasn't enjoying it, my stomach was churning and I felt green.
"I'm sorry I don't think I can eat anymore" I apologised. "I'll put it in the microwave in case I fancy it when we get back from the pub later. I just don't have much of an appetite at the moment".
"Listen if you don't fancy going to the pub we can leave you here?" Sue said smirking.
"Hey I'm going" I told her. "I'm looking forward to it".
"Well I suggest we get ready and go I said we'd be there just after six".
"I was going to get changed but the weathers shocking so I'm just gonna put a bit of slap on and go as I am" I told her.
"Well I'm not getting dressed up we're only off to the pub" Sue said. "We can take my car and I'll leave it there and we can get a taxi home".
"Ready Lee?" Lee nodded and we all left Sues and headed to the pub.
Alan was behind the bar as usual when we headed inside.
"Hello love how you doing?" Alan asked me a smile on his face.
"I'm doing okay Alan thanks" I replied. Sue and I decided to share a bottle of wine and Lee got himself a pint of Black Sheep. John (sue's dad) and Celia (his girlfriend) got up from the table to greet us and hugged first Lee then me.
"Its good to see you" John told me and gave me a bear hug.
"Hi daddy number three" I greeted him and hugged him back.
"I hear its been all fun and games at your end hasn't it?"
"Oh yes" I replied.
"It'll get better love" John told me.
"I hope so John,, I really do. Get in there pet" John got up from the table and I sat next to Celia. Lee and him stood chatting away and I sat and talked to Celia.
"Hi love you okay?"
"Yes I'm fine" I replied. We chatted about the wedding and the photos and I asked Celia if Sue had shown her the wedding dvd yet.
"Oh no not yet but she was waiting to show you it first" Celia told me.
"Well its brilliant it made us cry Lee's eyes filled up too when he saw it".
"So hows married life?"
"Its brilliant".
"And how's the chemo going? Sue says you've been okay on this cycle".
"Yes so far so good this Carboplatin really seems to be doing the trick. I've been sick once today just before we left. But I haven't felt ill at all and if I have to have chemo for the next god knows how many weeks on this regime I don't mind. Its two hours a week and its no big deal compared to the last lot. If its all about quality of life whilst fighting this cancer then on this regime I can do it. In nine weeks they will repeat the scan and then a decision will be made as to what to do next".
"Well I hope it keeps working for you love"
"Me too".
Simon arrived with the kids Lilly Mae and Theo they are allowed in the pub til nine o'clock. I had been worried about Lee maybe not enjoying tonight as much as other nights when we've been over because Nicks away in Delhi at the minute. But, he was happily talking to John and then when Simon arrived he seemed to be in his element. They went round the other side of the pub for a game of pool and the kids came in every time Simon potted a ball to let us know. The funniest time was when Theo came bursting in through the door saying where's Sue and I told him she was in the toilet. He apparently marched in the ladies opened the toilet door whilst Sue was sitting on the toilet and said "Dads just potted another one sue that's six now" then he turned and ran back out and into the games room again. Sue's account that evening was hilarious.
Chris... I think his name is Chris who runs the local chippy in Harden arrived in the pub laden with leftovers of fish and chips, scallops and fishcakes. Sue was the first to notice and asked if she could have some chips for the kids. A massive bag of chips were put open in the middle of the table, (around six portions), they looked extremely well done, extremely brown in colour and disgusting in all honesty. I can now, wholeheartedly, say they are the best chips I have ever tasted in my life. Apparently they are made from a red potato which is why they are darker in colour when fried but boy they were gorgeous. Celia and John have both being going to slimming world and have done fantastically well at their weight loss ready for their holidays as they are going on a cruise in a couple of weeks around the caribbean. Celia had told me how John had lost two pounds despite being a bit naughty in the past week and she had been better than him and had put half a pound on. There's definitely a mini competition going on between them both. John took a handful of chips but no more and Celia kept eating more and more one after another. Then she suddenly looked at John and said.
"You've had some chips haven't you John?"
"Not many no" he replied. She folded her arms in front of herself and pulled a face.
"Thats it no more, take them away Sue this is all your fault bringing them over" we all laughed.
"They both think they're the posh and becks of Harden now you know" Sue told us. I was nodding off as I sat at the table and Sue noticed.
"Shall we go soon?"
"I'm happy to stay Lee's having a good night".
"Well the kids have to be out at nine so Simon will be going then" Sue told me. Sure enough at nine Alan told Sue the kids had to go so she asked if Simon and Lee could finish their game first and he agreed. The chips were removed from the table and Celia and John left to go home. I gave them both a hug and said I'll see you again soon, and I hope I will.
Lee and Simon finished their game and we asked Alan to ring a taxi for us and got the kids ready to go home. I felt really tired and was ready to get back.
When we got back to Sue's we all went upstairs and got into our pyjamas. Lee had never had pyjamas when we'd been to Sue's before and had bought them especially. Sue said she was going to put a dvd on called Mischief night its an old film but she thought we would enjoy it. Fifteen minutes in she did a Sue and announced she was going to bed. (This is typical Sue behaviour and something that takes some getting used too. But if Sue is tired and you are at hers it doesn't matter if you are on your own and she has neighbours in she will just disappear off to bed and leave you too it). Then Sue got up and headed for the door but then reappeared and sat back in the chair. So we both took it she'd changed her mind. We watched another five or so minutes of the DVD when she disappeared again and then it went quiet.
"Has she gone to bed?"
"I don't know. I'll go check" I went upstairs and crept into Sue's room and there she was under the duvet already snoring. I went back downstairs.
"She's in bed"
"How do you turn the telly off?" Lee asked me.
"No idea" I replied. We spent the next ten minutes trying to find the correct remote to turn Sue's telly off.
"You go up to bed. I'll figure it out" Lee told me. I didn't need telling twice I disappeared upstairs and got my night bag out hooked myself up and got into the single bed in the spare room, nearest the door. Lee came in just as I was about to go downstairs and check if he'd managed to turn the TV off.
"Did you manage it?"
"Yes. Night love" he gave me a hug. "See you in the morning".
"Night Lee" I gave him a kiss and crawled under the duvet to go to sleep.
I awoke at ten am after quite a good nights sleep. We were supposed to be going to the farmers market at Saltaire with Sue today I'm quite looking forward to it. I went downstairs and made myself a coffee and a slice of toast and reclined back on the settee with my laptop. I had no emails and there was no one on facebook so I played a couple of games of bewjeled and waited in the hope one of them would soon stir. Nick came online and I sat and chatted to him about our night at the Fleece and how Sue had done a sue and disappeared to bed early leaving us both to entertain ourselves. It was after twelve before I heard movement and Lee came downstairs.
"How long have you been up?"
"A couple of hours. No sign of Sue yet though. I'm chatting to Nick. He says he's gonna buzz her phone and wake her up for us " I laughed. Lee disappeared upstairs and thats when I heard him talking to Sue. She asked him what time it was and he told her she was in disbelief. Then she came online and said to me "I'll be down in a little while just chatting to nick okay" I told her okay and went upstairs to get dressed.
We arrived in Saltaire after one but the farmers market was already packing away for the day. We parked up on double yellows (the advantages of having a disabled badge) and got out for a look around the shops.
"I'm sorry guys I thought it would be on all day"
"Its okay Sue you weren't too know"
"There's a good market at Keighley we could go there if you like?"
"Yes why not" we agreed and set off to have a look around Keighley market. I wasn't feeling too good the latest problem with my medication is constipation and I felt like i desperately needed to go to the loo. So when we arrived and parked up I told Sue I needed a toilet desperately and we went in search of some toilets. Unfortunately regardless of the stomach cramps I was experiencing I still couldn't go to the loo. Lee and Sue were hungry so we sat down in a cafe in the market and sue had meat pie and chips and lee had a bacon and egg sandwich. I sat with a can of pop still unable to eat.
"You look tired"
"I am a little" we sat and chatted about the weekend as Sue and Lee ate. The truth is I don't miss food I don't crave it, I simply have no appetite whatsoever. At this moment in time its no big deal as long as I drink plenty I'm still overweight for my height so the hospital aren't concerned about my appetite at present. But obviously you have to eat to gain energy so that's the reason why at the minute I am really tired. I'll have to start forcing food down if I'm going to get any energy back out again. In time I'm hoping it won't be too much of an effort.
We said goodbye to Sue around three thirty that day not knowing when we will see her again. I'd had a weekend of good friends and I hope there will be many more of those to come.
Monday 20 February 2012
13th February - Ultimatum and getting things back on track.
When I committed to myself and doing this blog back in August last year it started out as a coping mechanism. I had been seeing a psychologist up until then once a week it had been recommended by the urologist who had performed my radical Cystectomy as I was his youngest patient, and single he thought it would help and it did. Then for reasons unknown to me she went off work sick and due to staff shortages and cut backs she couldn't be replaced. We had talked about me keeping a diary in my sessions of my thoughts and feelings. It was me who decided to take it one step further and publish these via the Internet to perhaps help other people in my situation. The problem with this is that when things start to go wrong in the family or everything is not all hunky dory I have to write about it, it helps me cope and inevitably I upset someone. As some of you know who read both versions I edited one of my blogs in the past as it upset my father and I felt like a naughty school girl as I was told off for airing our dirty washing in public. However, we had a chat about that and I hope that I got through and they now understand a bit better why I write everything down. My mum got upset when she read my blog CT results and put a statement on face book saying how sorry she was. I tried to explain I'm not looking for apologies or sympathy during any of this process. Neither am I having a dig at anyone for making mistakes I'm simply putting down my thoughts and feelings on the subject and how I perceive it. Undoubtedly not everyone agrees and that is what causes fall outs which is why I am going to such lengths to try and explain before this blog is published. Families all go through ups and downs mine has been through more downs than ups recently some of it is because of my cancer some of it is simply because its life. Logan coped with my cancer by moving out and going to live with his dad and I see him twice a week now but at first I hardly saw him at all because he simply couldn't handle seeing me ill. Jenna copes by going on wild spending sprees beyond her means which inevitably ends in people picking up the pieces. I have put them both forward for counselling, because coping with cancer is bloody difficult no matter what age you are unfortunately due to shortages there is an extremely long wait. They may not get to see someone until I've gone which will be too little to late to sort some problems out. So back to this week, its been eventful.
As you all know from my previous blogs Jenna has been having her money managed by my dad or myself for a number of months. In August last year after my first diagnosis she hit her first spending spree and my dad paid her debt off which was to Wonga (the pay day loan company I could kill). He drew her up a budget plan to pay him back took her bank card off her and gave her spend each week.
The wonga debt was repaid and somehow, I don't think either my dad or I know exactly how she got her bank card back and began doing her own budget again. Then in September she came to me and told me she'd got into yet more trouble again borrowing from Wonga but this time she had ran up some catalogue debts as well. My HSBC pension came through the following month I paid Wonga off for her sat her down drew her up a budget plan for her to stick too where she would have £30 a week to live on and the rest would get paid to her catalogue debts. I took her bank card off her and gave her pocket money again. Then I started my treatment could hardly lift my head off the pillow and generally didn't know what day it was. Things were running smoothly and she seemed to be coping fine we were talking more and I generally thought things were back on track. So when she asked me for her card in December I didn't think twice. I gave her it along with a budget of how much she had to spend and I really didn't envisage what would happen next. When I asked Jenna for her bank card back she said that she was going to manage her budget from now on and I didn't need to take it back off her, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then last month I got the full impact of what had happened when her bank statement came through and it showed she had not paid her catalogues that month and borrowed on five different occasions from Wonga (that company has a lot to answer for) but Jenna should have known better. I had to go down and talk to my dad about it as I didn't know what else to do and he was fuming. He said he couldn't and wouldn't bail her out this time and we agreed that would be a bad idea. Jenna's answer was to borrow more money through work and it seemed she had no option, however the loan got turned down. So, I had to devise a new budget with her where she would have to continue borrowing off Wonga
Six thirty am, I awoke to someone knocking on the front door, (as I've said before its not an easy early morning task unhooking from the night bag when you're half asleep), was it our front door or next door? I waited to hear the noise again, no it was definitely ours. I lent over the bed to try and undo my night bag but the stand toppled over and woke Lee up, just what I was trying not to do.
"Whats that?"
"There's someone at the front door" I hissed. "Sorry I was trying to get out of bed quietly" I apologised.
"Stay there, who on earth is it at this time in the morning?" Lee poked his head out of the window and then drew it back in again. "Its Jenna she's forgotten something for work!" he told me. "I'll go let her in". So he got up out of bed and went downstairs to let her in. I got up to go to the toilet and passed her at the top of the stairs.
"What did you forget?"
"My locker key" she replied.
"Ah right, okay well I'll see you tonight" she looked at me puzzled "Whats up?"
"Did you get my message?"
"What message?"
"The one I sent you on face book last night?"
"I was in bed for ten if it was after that then no" I disappeared into the toilet and then went into our bedroom I get text messages via face book sent to my phone and sure enough it was flashing. So I picked up the phone and read it.
"What the.." Lee had gone back to bed and I had said it out loud.
"Whats up?"
"Jenna sent a message to me on face book last night it was delivered to my phone. It says... Either you let me accept grandads offer of a loan or I'm moving out!" I got back out of bed and went through into her room.
"I got your message"
"And?"
"I just need to be clear on this Jenna. You are blackmailing me, your own mum and saying I either I let you accept your grandads offer of a loan or you're moving out. Have I got that right?"
"Yes" Lee appeared in the doorway at that point.
"Your mum already told you how she felt and that she didn't want grandad paying off your debt for you again"
"I know but I want him too" she replied.
"Well in answer to your question Jenna no I won't accept it so it looks like you're moving out". I turned and went back to bed. To say I was fuming but would be a huge understatement. It was bad enough that it had all appeared to have been agreed behind my back. But for Jenna to send me a message like that on face book... I was disgusted. It showed me how little my daughter respected me and it hurt like hell that she could send me a message like that!
When I woke later that morning I rang my dad up, I think he had been expecting my call. We had a discussion over the telephone but it was obvious that my parents believed they were doing the right thing. There was nothing I could have said or done to change their minds. So I said that Jenna had to move in with them if they wanted to try and sort her out then they had to take over everything. My mum and dad have had a lot of stuff to put up with over the years what with my illness and coping with Jenna's behaviour. I love them for being there and being so supportive. Sometimes they don't do it in the way I want them too but at least I know they care.
"You okay?" Lee asked as I put the phone down.
"No. No one is going to change their minds now. So it looks like we have a job to do, packing Jenna's gear up. She will be here to get it either Tuesday or Wednesday".
"Why don't we go out this afternoon, to the cinema and for something to eat?" Lee suggested.
"That sounds good to me there's that comedy on with Adam Sandler shall we go see that? He's normally really funny?"
"Sounds good to me" Lee gave me a hug. "It'll be alright you know"
"I know. I just wish they had spoken to me before they made their decision".
"Do you want a drink or anything?" I asked Lee as we stood in the popcorn queue at the cinema.
"I'm not bothered about a drink what are you getting?"
"I'm gonna get a small bag of sweet popcorn and a bottle of water."
"Okay well I'll just have some of these" he picked up a bag of jelly worms and handed them to me and I laughed. "You big kid". We were just in time for the start of the film and managed to miss all the adverts a first for me. Adam Sandler plays twins in it, a sister and brother, he scrubs up quite well as a woman. He's an ugly woman, but he'd pass for one. The film was funny and just what I needed to cheer me up. We had planned to go for something to eat after the cinema and Lee had never been to Nandos before. I've only been the once.
"What is Nandos exactly?"
"Its chicken, different spices on chicken and up to you which one you choose" I told him. "The mildest is a lemon and herb spice and then there's different levels of heat til you get to the Peri Peri chicken. Its up to you which you go for. Or we can go to Frankie and Benny's or Pizza hut. Up to you".
"I've never tried Nandos before so lets go with that one"
"Okay".
So Lee had a Mediterranean salad with a chicken breast done medium hot and I had a chicken fillet in a wrap done with the lemon and herb dressing with chilli jam and pineapple and salad in it. It was lovely I also ordered a side portion of chips although I wish I hadn't. I have discovered KFC chips and Nandos chips are the same, both horrid!! I sat there wishing I'd just got the wrap on its own as it was really filling. Even though my day started pretty rough it had ended quite well.
Sue came over to see me recently, my neighbour and friend. Her sister died of bowel cancer earlier this year. She had spoken to her niece and her words were "Auntie Sue if only I knew what I knew now and I could turn the clock back I was a complete cow to my mum whilst she was here".
I live in hope that one day before I am gone Jenna and I get our closeness back and she realises I won't be here forever. I love my daughter so much I just want to see her back on the right track and settled before I'm gone.
As you all know from my previous blogs Jenna has been having her money managed by my dad or myself for a number of months. In August last year after my first diagnosis she hit her first spending spree and my dad paid her debt off which was to Wonga (the pay day loan company I could kill). He drew her up a budget plan to pay him back took her bank card off her and gave her spend each week.
The wonga debt was repaid and somehow, I don't think either my dad or I know exactly how she got her bank card back and began doing her own budget again. Then in September she came to me and told me she'd got into yet more trouble again borrowing from Wonga but this time she had ran up some catalogue debts as well. My HSBC pension came through the following month I paid Wonga off for her sat her down drew her up a budget plan for her to stick too where she would have £30 a week to live on and the rest would get paid to her catalogue debts. I took her bank card off her and gave her pocket money again. Then I started my treatment could hardly lift my head off the pillow and generally didn't know what day it was. Things were running smoothly and she seemed to be coping fine we were talking more and I generally thought things were back on track. So when she asked me for her card in December I didn't think twice. I gave her it along with a budget of how much she had to spend and I really didn't envisage what would happen next. When I asked Jenna for her bank card back she said that she was going to manage her budget from now on and I didn't need to take it back off her, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then last month I got the full impact of what had happened when her bank statement came through and it showed she had not paid her catalogues that month and borrowed on five different occasions from Wonga (that company has a lot to answer for) but Jenna should have known better. I had to go down and talk to my dad about it as I didn't know what else to do and he was fuming. He said he couldn't and wouldn't bail her out this time and we agreed that would be a bad idea. Jenna's answer was to borrow more money through work and it seemed she had no option, however the loan got turned down. So, I had to devise a new budget with her where she would have to continue borrowing off Wonga
Six thirty am, I awoke to someone knocking on the front door, (as I've said before its not an easy early morning task unhooking from the night bag when you're half asleep), was it our front door or next door? I waited to hear the noise again, no it was definitely ours. I lent over the bed to try and undo my night bag but the stand toppled over and woke Lee up, just what I was trying not to do.
"Whats that?"
"There's someone at the front door" I hissed. "Sorry I was trying to get out of bed quietly" I apologised.
"Stay there, who on earth is it at this time in the morning?" Lee poked his head out of the window and then drew it back in again. "Its Jenna she's forgotten something for work!" he told me. "I'll go let her in". So he got up out of bed and went downstairs to let her in. I got up to go to the toilet and passed her at the top of the stairs.
"What did you forget?"
"My locker key" she replied.
"Ah right, okay well I'll see you tonight" she looked at me puzzled "Whats up?"
"Did you get my message?"
"What message?"
"The one I sent you on face book last night?"
"I was in bed for ten if it was after that then no" I disappeared into the toilet and then went into our bedroom I get text messages via face book sent to my phone and sure enough it was flashing. So I picked up the phone and read it.
"What the.." Lee had gone back to bed and I had said it out loud.
"Whats up?"
"Jenna sent a message to me on face book last night it was delivered to my phone. It says... Either you let me accept grandads offer of a loan or I'm moving out!" I got back out of bed and went through into her room.
"I got your message"
"And?"
"I just need to be clear on this Jenna. You are blackmailing me, your own mum and saying I either I let you accept your grandads offer of a loan or you're moving out. Have I got that right?"
"Yes" Lee appeared in the doorway at that point.
"Your mum already told you how she felt and that she didn't want grandad paying off your debt for you again"
"I know but I want him too" she replied.
"Well in answer to your question Jenna no I won't accept it so it looks like you're moving out". I turned and went back to bed. To say I was fuming but would be a huge understatement. It was bad enough that it had all appeared to have been agreed behind my back. But for Jenna to send me a message like that on face book... I was disgusted. It showed me how little my daughter respected me and it hurt like hell that she could send me a message like that!
When I woke later that morning I rang my dad up, I think he had been expecting my call. We had a discussion over the telephone but it was obvious that my parents believed they were doing the right thing. There was nothing I could have said or done to change their minds. So I said that Jenna had to move in with them if they wanted to try and sort her out then they had to take over everything. My mum and dad have had a lot of stuff to put up with over the years what with my illness and coping with Jenna's behaviour. I love them for being there and being so supportive. Sometimes they don't do it in the way I want them too but at least I know they care.
"You okay?" Lee asked as I put the phone down.
"No. No one is going to change their minds now. So it looks like we have a job to do, packing Jenna's gear up. She will be here to get it either Tuesday or Wednesday".
"Why don't we go out this afternoon, to the cinema and for something to eat?" Lee suggested.
"That sounds good to me there's that comedy on with Adam Sandler shall we go see that? He's normally really funny?"
"Sounds good to me" Lee gave me a hug. "It'll be alright you know"
"I know. I just wish they had spoken to me before they made their decision".
"Do you want a drink or anything?" I asked Lee as we stood in the popcorn queue at the cinema.
"I'm not bothered about a drink what are you getting?"
"I'm gonna get a small bag of sweet popcorn and a bottle of water."
"Okay well I'll just have some of these" he picked up a bag of jelly worms and handed them to me and I laughed. "You big kid". We were just in time for the start of the film and managed to miss all the adverts a first for me. Adam Sandler plays twins in it, a sister and brother, he scrubs up quite well as a woman. He's an ugly woman, but he'd pass for one. The film was funny and just what I needed to cheer me up. We had planned to go for something to eat after the cinema and Lee had never been to Nandos before. I've only been the once.
"What is Nandos exactly?"
"Its chicken, different spices on chicken and up to you which one you choose" I told him. "The mildest is a lemon and herb spice and then there's different levels of heat til you get to the Peri Peri chicken. Its up to you which you go for. Or we can go to Frankie and Benny's or Pizza hut. Up to you".
"I've never tried Nandos before so lets go with that one"
"Okay".
So Lee had a Mediterranean salad with a chicken breast done medium hot and I had a chicken fillet in a wrap done with the lemon and herb dressing with chilli jam and pineapple and salad in it. It was lovely I also ordered a side portion of chips although I wish I hadn't. I have discovered KFC chips and Nandos chips are the same, both horrid!! I sat there wishing I'd just got the wrap on its own as it was really filling. Even though my day started pretty rough it had ended quite well.
Sue came over to see me recently, my neighbour and friend. Her sister died of bowel cancer earlier this year. She had spoken to her niece and her words were "Auntie Sue if only I knew what I knew now and I could turn the clock back I was a complete cow to my mum whilst she was here".
I live in hope that one day before I am gone Jenna and I get our closeness back and she realises I won't be here forever. I love my daughter so much I just want to see her back on the right track and settled before I'm gone.
Sunday 19 February 2012
15th February - Chemo or not?
Yesterday Lee got me a two foot tall Valentines card and a little teddy bear for Valentines day. I'd simply got him a card and felt a big mean it was an expensive card though, one of those that come in boxes. I spent ages choosing the verse and it was perfect it said it all. Its weird to think its our first ever Valentines day and we're already married...On the 30th April it will be a year since we met, I am waiting to see if Lee remembers. I only remember because it was the Royal wedding day and Sue and I had sat and watched it at one of the bars on the strip in Protaras whilst supping cocktails.
We had to go to the hospital for pre-assessment again today, once again though my line would not bleed back through my PICC line so I had to go get a number and wait in the queue for them doing. Luckily my veins weren't playing up so they got the blood the first time. It still bloody hurt though. Liz, the pre-assessment nurse says if I have the choice I should go for the Hickman line as they are a lot easier to cope with and have less chance of blocking off. I'll consider that when we go for chemotherapy tomorrow.
We picked Logan up from his dads house after the hospital as he had a two foot card for his girlfriend along with a cuddly toy cow and a box of chocolates. Charlotte collects cows apparently just as well cos you could take it the wrong way if your boyfriend presented you with a cow, couldn't you? He was embarrassed so we made the most of teasing him and parked up in the car park and headed for a quick look round the market. Ossett market is getting more pathetic each week, less and less stalls. I'm going to suggest to Lee that we go off for the day and go to a town where they have a huge market to look around, I'd like that. We took Logan to Eller Coffee opposite the libary in Ossett town centre, he wanted a bacon sandwich. I was a bit hungry too so I ordered a cheese and tomato panini and Lee had a bacon on chicken panini. It was lovely just to sit there and chat about things in general. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to do this with Logan as he would have been uncomfortable coming somewhere like this with his mum and would have moaned constantly about how bored he was. It was Logan himself that pointed that out to me today as we sat and ate. He's right we have got so much closer and I thank Lee for that I do think he should take all the credit. His treating Logan like an adult when he comes, offering him a beer asking him what he wants to watch on TV all of that is a contributing factor. The fact that he now has Charlotte I think has also helped he feels more adult now he has a girlfriend. I'm looking forward to meeting her although I don't think it will be anytime soon as he says we're embarrassing. What parent isn't??
By six o'clock I had practically lost my voice and down the right hand side of my throat felt bruised and I had earache. It just came on suddenly, no warning I'd been feeling fine all day, it was strange.
When we turned up for chemotherapy the following afternoon I was scared that they wouldn't go ahead with treatment. Luckily I had Maria. The first thing I had to show her was my PICC line, there was blood in it.
"How did that happen?"
"I have no idea I got out the shower this morning and there it was, it wouldn't bleed back yesterday"
"Did they put some stuff down it to unblock the line"
"No, Liz wouldn't do it as she said it wasn't blocked" I told Maria.
"I wish they would listen on pre-assessment I know there's no blockage in the line as far as blood clots go but fibres of tissue could be wrapped round your line and the medication we put down it would erode that tissue away overnight hence allowing it to bleed back in the future. Thats why we ask for them to put it down to unblock it".
"Sorry Maria"
"Its not your fault hon. When she flushed it did she use a 20ml syringe?"
"I honestly don't know" I replied.
"Well next week when you go can you ask her to flush it with a 20ml syringe?"
"Yes I'll ask" I replied.
"How do you feel in yourself?"
"I feel fine I just have this sore throat, I'm coughing gunk up and my ear hurts" I told her.
"Well I think we should ge the doctor to look at you" Maria suggested.
"I don't want them cancelling my chemo though".
"I doubt they will she'll probably just give you anti-biotics and it'll save you a trip to the doctors"
"Okay then I'll see her".
I was prescribed Clarithormycin to take twice a day for a week and finish the course. More tablets?
Yuck. I settled down for my chemotherapy and Lee disappeared for a cigarette.
"Ooh was that the anti-sickness?" I asked beginning to prickle some half an hour later.
"Thats the flush I've already done the anti-sickness" Maria laughed.
"Well I must have had a delayed reaction then cos I feel like i've been thrown in nettles again. Anyway I've got my wedding photos to show you so you're going to have to spare me some time so you can have a nosy"
"Oh go on I'll have five minutes now" that was followed by "oo's" and "aa's" and "oh you've made me fill up now. You both look gorgeous make sure you bring them in over the next couple of weeks then we can all see them" Maria suggested.
"We will don't worry". Before I knew it the chemotherapy was over and I was done and it was time to go home.
"All done see you next week".
"No you won't its my week off I'll see you the week after" I replied.
"That will be nice for you having a week off see you the week after then and enjoy your time off"
"I will bye Maria".
We had to go to the hospital for pre-assessment again today, once again though my line would not bleed back through my PICC line so I had to go get a number and wait in the queue for them doing. Luckily my veins weren't playing up so they got the blood the first time. It still bloody hurt though. Liz, the pre-assessment nurse says if I have the choice I should go for the Hickman line as they are a lot easier to cope with and have less chance of blocking off. I'll consider that when we go for chemotherapy tomorrow.
We picked Logan up from his dads house after the hospital as he had a two foot card for his girlfriend along with a cuddly toy cow and a box of chocolates. Charlotte collects cows apparently just as well cos you could take it the wrong way if your boyfriend presented you with a cow, couldn't you? He was embarrassed so we made the most of teasing him and parked up in the car park and headed for a quick look round the market. Ossett market is getting more pathetic each week, less and less stalls. I'm going to suggest to Lee that we go off for the day and go to a town where they have a huge market to look around, I'd like that. We took Logan to Eller Coffee opposite the libary in Ossett town centre, he wanted a bacon sandwich. I was a bit hungry too so I ordered a cheese and tomato panini and Lee had a bacon on chicken panini. It was lovely just to sit there and chat about things in general. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to do this with Logan as he would have been uncomfortable coming somewhere like this with his mum and would have moaned constantly about how bored he was. It was Logan himself that pointed that out to me today as we sat and ate. He's right we have got so much closer and I thank Lee for that I do think he should take all the credit. His treating Logan like an adult when he comes, offering him a beer asking him what he wants to watch on TV all of that is a contributing factor. The fact that he now has Charlotte I think has also helped he feels more adult now he has a girlfriend. I'm looking forward to meeting her although I don't think it will be anytime soon as he says we're embarrassing. What parent isn't??
By six o'clock I had practically lost my voice and down the right hand side of my throat felt bruised and I had earache. It just came on suddenly, no warning I'd been feeling fine all day, it was strange.
When we turned up for chemotherapy the following afternoon I was scared that they wouldn't go ahead with treatment. Luckily I had Maria. The first thing I had to show her was my PICC line, there was blood in it.
"How did that happen?"
"I have no idea I got out the shower this morning and there it was, it wouldn't bleed back yesterday"
"Did they put some stuff down it to unblock the line"
"No, Liz wouldn't do it as she said it wasn't blocked" I told Maria.
"I wish they would listen on pre-assessment I know there's no blockage in the line as far as blood clots go but fibres of tissue could be wrapped round your line and the medication we put down it would erode that tissue away overnight hence allowing it to bleed back in the future. Thats why we ask for them to put it down to unblock it".
"Sorry Maria"
"Its not your fault hon. When she flushed it did she use a 20ml syringe?"
"I honestly don't know" I replied.
"Well next week when you go can you ask her to flush it with a 20ml syringe?"
"Yes I'll ask" I replied.
"How do you feel in yourself?"
"I feel fine I just have this sore throat, I'm coughing gunk up and my ear hurts" I told her.
"Well I think we should ge the doctor to look at you" Maria suggested.
"I don't want them cancelling my chemo though".
"I doubt they will she'll probably just give you anti-biotics and it'll save you a trip to the doctors"
"Okay then I'll see her".
I was prescribed Clarithormycin to take twice a day for a week and finish the course. More tablets?
Yuck. I settled down for my chemotherapy and Lee disappeared for a cigarette.
"Ooh was that the anti-sickness?" I asked beginning to prickle some half an hour later.
"Thats the flush I've already done the anti-sickness" Maria laughed.
"Well I must have had a delayed reaction then cos I feel like i've been thrown in nettles again. Anyway I've got my wedding photos to show you so you're going to have to spare me some time so you can have a nosy"
"Oh go on I'll have five minutes now" that was followed by "oo's" and "aa's" and "oh you've made me fill up now. You both look gorgeous make sure you bring them in over the next couple of weeks then we can all see them" Maria suggested.
"We will don't worry". Before I knew it the chemotherapy was over and I was done and it was time to go home.
"All done see you next week".
"No you won't its my week off I'll see you the week after" I replied.
"That will be nice for you having a week off see you the week after then and enjoy your time off"
"I will bye Maria".
Saturday 18 February 2012
8th February - Happy Birthday lee xx
"Happy Birthday" I lent over and gave Lee a kiss and handed him a cup of tea as he sat up in bed. "Your pressies are waiting downstairs" I told him and he grinned. "I'll be down in a minute can't wait".
"I just wish I could have let you have a lie in, sorry I have to have chemo today".
"Hey a birthday is a birthday your chemo is a must. I'll be down in a minute" .
"Okay love you".
"Which present would you like first?" I asked as he walked into the living room and sat down.
"That one" Lee pointed to the smallest of the two.
"Here you are then" I held out his present. His grin said it all when he opened it.
"Wow, thanks. Really thanks"
"Is it the right one?"
"It is great thank you".
"Right and here's your last one" I handed him the heaviest of the two.
"God that's heavy, whats in it?"
"Open it and find out" I told him. His first present a nail gun, he's been after one for ages. I should explain when Lee was abroad as well as working in a bar he was a landscaper gardener he loves nothing more than a bit of DIY or building something out of wood. When he came over here he only brought his clothes. As a single woman who's crap at DIY and all stuff like that I'm pushed to find a screwdriver in our house. So I got him a big bag full of tools like a starter kit.
"Aw Loraine, thanks" I had been worried that as it was all tool related that I got him he'd be a bit disappointed. I had considered a new watch or a mobile phone for him but that just wasn't what he wanted he'd been going on about getting some tools as soon as he got some money so now he had them.
"Are you sure I did the right thing"
"I was expecting an action man for my collection." He wasn't kidding Lee has started collecting action men, he's back to his second childhood. I think its some kind of mid life crisis but I can cope with a few action men round the place it doesn't bother me. "They are brilliant, thanks. Give us a kiss." he pulled me onto his lap and we had a kiss and a cuddle. "Now how are you this morning?"
"I'm okay"
"Nervous?"
"Scared shitless not about having the chemotherapy, about how I'm going to be afterwards". I told him.
"Well if you are sick, you're sick I'll clean it up, no problem. But I have a good feeling I don't think you're going to be sick this time".
"Well I hope you're right".
I tried to tune into the radio as Lee drove us to St James's but none of it sunk in. I was still in my own little world as we pulled into the car park. We got a spot by the door and headed for x-ray.
"I hope we're not here for long" I whinged as I sat down next to Lee.
"I'm sure we won't be".
"I should have said I had chemo at nine thirty they might have hurried us through"
"Its only eight forty-five now Loraine, there's no rush"
"I guess not. I just want to get on with it. I feel on edge".
"You will be".
"Loraine McEvoy" my name was called there was still a delay to me responding to my name I had to laugh this would take some getting used too. I followed the radiographer down the corridor and she showed me into a changing room. "I need you to take off everything on your top half and put this gown on Loraine and then if you put the clothes in a bag and come outside I'll be waiting for you".
"Okay thanks". I gave Lee my bag and coat and headed in to get changed, it took all of two minutes for me to shove the gown on but I couldn't tie it at the back. I stepped outside of the changing room to see Lee sitting on the seat outside I gave lee the carrier bag with my clothes in to hold.
"Can you tie me up?"
"Yes sure I can darl" Lee stood up to tie it just as the radiographer came to the door.
"Oh it doesn't matter she's waiting I'll just go in" I told him and entered the room.
"Have you had a chest x-ray before Loraine?"
"Yes lots of them"
"Can you just confirm your date of birth and full name for me?" she asked and I gave her my details.
"I'll need you to take your chain off for me".
"Oh sorry I forgot" I apologised and took off my necklace and handed it to her. I was probably in the room for all of five minutes before the x-ray was done and I was told I could go.
"Are you back at clinic today Loraine?" she asked as I left.
"Yes I've got chemo at nine thirty" I told her "So they want the results straight away" I added.
"They'll be there by the time you get back upstairs" she told me.
"Great no doubt I'll see you again" she looked at me puzzled. "The PICC line this happens every other week its temperamental" I laughed.
"Ah right well see you again then", I was soon changed and heading out of x-ray with Lee.
"Shall we get some goodies before we go up, we're still a bit early"
"Yes I could do with a paper"
"Right well I'll get a magazine and some chocolate, want a drink?"
"Yes iron bru" Lee got his paper and i got the drinks and magazine and then headed to the chocolate section a chunky peanut butter kit kat was just what I had in mind as I picked it up and placed it on the counter. Lee chose a white one and a Yorkshire post and we were all set ready for chemo.
"Loraine McEvoy?" Fiona approached me as she called my name. "Ah, you see confusing us all with your change of name hello".
"Hi Fee"
"So how did the wedding go?"
"It was great thanks a brilliant day"
"And now you're back to start again?"
"Yes aren't I lucky?" I smiled. Maria appeared at the side of us about five minutes later just as I'd sat down. "Fee can I swap and have Loraine and you take my guy?" she asked.
"Yes sure, why?" Maria took Fee away to explain we didn't get to find out why but I had a feeling he was a tricky customer that she didn't want to deal with.
"Okay Loraine, we need to move you round here I've got you today" Maria announced and took me round the corner to another chair.
"As long as its a working recliner that's fine cos I will whinge if its not" I told her laughing.
"Oh I know you will. So did you have an x-ray?"
"Yep about half an hour ago the results should be up by now" I told her.
"Right we'll get a doctor to look at the results for you and meanwhile I'll get all the stuff ready okay?"
"Okay thanks".
Maria came back to us about half an hour later to say we were good to go with the chemo and that the PICC line was in place and there was no issue.
"The thing is its happening all the time now and I'm sorry but the whole idea of having the PICC in was to make it easier for my bloods and the chemo and it just seems to be causing more hassle."
"Yes I know what you mean so I've had a word with Alison its flushing okay so we'll give your chemo in it today. What Alison has said though is if it doesn't bleed back when you come for pre-assessment next week that we need to get them to flush it with some special solution it will unblock anything that's causing an obstruction such as soft tissue or clots. They've to leave the solution in for twenty-four hours until you come for chemo on Wednesday. Which means you'll have to have your bloods done the usual way providing we can find a vein. When you come on Wednesday we will try and get your line to bleed back again, to see if its working. If its not then Alison says what we will have to do is arrange either for another PICC line to be put in or a Hickman line putting in, at that point it will be your choice"
"What would you do?"
"Well I prefer Hickman lines but that's because its what I'm used too. The only real difference is that the Hickman line goes into your main jugular vein so there is more chance of infection which is what you have to be careful of."
"So would I do anything different with a Hickman line to a PICC line?"
"Nope it needs flushing weekly the same as your PICC line, obviously you can't go swimming with it same as your PICC line"
"You know I didn't know that, it doesn't matter cos I can't swim, but I didn't actually know I wasn't supposed too"
"Yes just like you're not supposed to submerge it in the bath" Maria added.
"Oh?"
"Have you submerged it in the bath?"
"Would that effect it as far as bleeding back goes and flushing?"
"No the reason we say that is because of the risk of infection obviously in a bath your sat in mucky water and if you were swimming it would be the same scenario".
"Well I'll hold my hands up I have bathed with it in" I told her.
"But not submerged it?"
"Yep" I nodded. "But no one told me not too, I thought they would have mentioned it".
"Mm they should have. But all I will say is you're not supposed to but I guess if you've been doing it since October then you've been lucky"
"Yeh I have haven't i?" we laughed together. "So, this Carboplatin that I'm having today obviously we discussed it last time I came because it had been mentioned and there was a brief chat about it. Dr Ralph says its not as toxic, do you think I'll be sick on it?"
"Honestly Loraine I've not had any patients on it that have been sick, but, I can't say definitely not just that its unlikely."
"And what about side effects like hair loss is that any more likely?"
"No it runs the same risk as the Cisplatin and that hasn't happened to you yet so I doubt it will now".
"And it takes less time I understand because there's less flushing to do, how long are we talking, four or five hours?"
"Oh no less than that you should be done in two".
"Really?"
"Really".
"Oh thats great hey we can do something for your birthday now Lee" I told him and he smiled.
"You have done enough for my birthday today" Lee grinned.
"Oh what did you get birthday boy?" Maria asked.
"Well Loraines mum and dad got me a black and decker sander, Logan got me a leeds united scarf and a frosted beer mug with leeds united on it. Loraine got me a nail gun and a tool bag with loads of tools, I'm a very happy man" he added.
"Good. So i take it married life is going well for you both and the wedding went well?"
"Fantastic. I'm going to bring the photos in as soon as we get them done".
"Well it will be lovely to see them" she smiled. "Right this is your anti-sickness one going in now" she told me sitting down.
"Please do it slow" I grinned. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but the anti sickness drug feels like you're sitting in nettles and being stung all over. If you've ever been stung you will know what I mean. But imagine falling in them because when I say nettle stings all over I mean all over. It starts at your neck and works its way down and then you have to clench your bum cheeks and cross your legs I can tell you, and god it makes you squirm. Eventually it goes to your feet then you know its done. The slower its put into your system the less the effects are. If its put through fast its worse I've had it done both ways and slower is better. Trust me!! I squirmed a bit and began to itch just as Maria said the words "All done".
"Thanks that wasn't bad at all" I told her and she smiled.
"You're welcome". She brought through a bag of chemo and brought Lisa another nurse to do the check with her. "Can you just confirm your details for me Loraine?"
"Loraine Moo." I began "oops Loraine McEvoy" I began again I still keep forgetting my surnames changed it takes some getting used too Maria grinned at me.
"Loraine's just got married and she keeps forgetting her surname so we'll let her off that one" she laughed. "Right carry on Loraine"
"Okay date of birth third of October nineteen seventy, address 21 headlands grove, Ossett and allergic to penicillin" I confirmed.
"Okay thanks. Right lets get you started." She hung the bag of Carboplatin on the drip stand and started it off. Lee settled down to do his crossword and I put the footrest up on my recliner and pulled out my magazine to read. We were about half an hour in when a woman who introduced herself as Hilary stood at my feet.
"I'm from the Robert Ogden Centre we're part of Macmillan and offer complimentary therapies and support to carers and those going through cancer. Anyway I'm here to offer you a complimentary hand and foot massage if you'd like one today?"
"Ooh yes" I nodded eagerly. "I'd love one". Hilary sat down and pulled out a leaflet from her bag. There's all sorts of stuff we can help you with if you're struggling with anything. We have a social worker on site called Josie who can help with financial difficulties and things like that and we're also doing a course called Hope which is directed towards the carers."Lee had been sat listening along with me and his ears pricked up at this point. "Oh whats that?"
"Well its a course that we're offering to carers for them to go on to help them how to cope with a loved one that's going through cancer. If you're interested Lee I could take you round to meet Josie and she can tell you about it whilst I get on with Loraine's hand and foot massage".
"Yes I would be" Lee nodded and just as I was about to butt in he said "Also we're struggling to get carers allowance at the moment, could Josie help with that at all?"
"Yes I'm sure she would be able to help out with that or point you in the right direction. Shall I take you through to meet her?"
"Yes that would be good".
"Right Loraine I'll be back in a minute if you just slip off your shoes and socks for me and I'll get started on your feet when I get back".
"Great" I grinned. Finally someone that wanted to listen and maybe could help Lee get his carers allowance sorted, and something for him. I looked through the booklet whilst I waited for Hilary to come back. There were all sorts of therapy offered at the Robert Ogden center, manicures, Reiki, indian head massage, massage, hypnosis and reflexology sounded good.
"Right that's Lee settled. Have you been reading through the leaflet?"
"I have yes I'll definitely be booking in for a massage" I told her. "I've been wanting one for ages".
She began massaging my feet it felt fab.
"Well we do all sorts of courses Loraine, there's one called look good feel good and basically you come along for the afternoon bring a female friend with you and what we have are beauticians coming in to do mini makeovers and do a talk about applying make up. Its worth coming because you get a goody bag afterwards and I'm told it can contain goodies up to two hundred pounds worth."
"Wow really?"
"Yes. I'll get you details of the next course if you like".
"Yes definitely it sounds good" I told her.
"Lee seems interested in that course".
"Yes it will be good for him to meet other carers I think" I told her. "He's only been here since October I met him in Cyprus last year while I was on holiday. My dad paid for me to go away to give me chance to recover from my operation so I went took a friend with me and met Lee. I went back on holiday to see him again in the June and I was seriously considering moving over there. Then in August as I was due to go back I got told my cancer was back so it scuppered our plans really. I took Logan out to meet him, that's my son and had to tell him my cancer was back and I couldn't move over there. He said it didn't matter he would come to me. I didn't know at that point that the cancer was terminal I found out when I got back from that visit. I had to tell him over the phone. He persuaded me to go back again to visit and take Jenna with me before I started my treatment. When I got there he proposed to me. Then in October he moved over just before I started my chemotherapy" I'd babbled on trying to give Hilary the short version. "He hasn't got many friends over here yet just ones he's met through me and none of them going through what we are. It would be good for him to have someone to talk too that's doing the same thing as him day in, day out".
"What a wonderful story" Hilary smiled at me. "You have a diamond there"
"I know". It was then I noticed her eyes were glistening. "I haven't made you cry have I?"
"You brought a tear or two" she smiled. "What a wonderful story".
"Well we got married on the fourteenth of January and its been pretty good so far" I told her.
"Well that's your feet done lets move to your hands" I held my hands out. "What a beautiful ring" Hilary smiled "you better slip it off so I don't get cream all over it".
"Lee had it hand made in Cyprus" I told her. "Do I have to take my wedding ring off?"
"No leave that on". Just at that point Lee re-appeared.
"Hi love" he bent down and gave me a kiss. "I've signed up to do the course it starts on the twenty second of February"
"Oh great stuff. Does it sound good then?"
"Yes and Josie's going to look into the carers allowance thing for me a bit further and see if there's anything else she can do. You okay if I nip out for a cigarette?"
"Yes sure I am, I'm having a great time here" I told him as Hilary massaged my hands. He came over and gave me another kiss.
"Back in a bit" he told me. Half an hour later I said bye to Hilary and told her I'd been in touch for one of the treatments and might collar her next week for another massage.
"That's you all done Loraine, I'll just go get your medication" Maria told me.
"How quick was that?" I grinned at Lee. "Totally stress free we can go do some shopping now if you want?"
"Yes if you feel okay fine by me" He smiled. Maria appeared with my bag of tricks.
"Right Loraine, Cyclizine three times a day for sickness. Dexamethasone your steroid for tonight don't take it any later than five, then you have twice a day for the next three days then you stop".
"Is that one for sickness as well?"
"Yes that's right"
"I always forget why I'm taking that one" I laughed. "I have that many drugs now I'm loosing count".
"Right so I'll see you next week then".
"Yep see you Wednesday".
We went to next first on our shopping trip where I bought two pairs of jeans, size twelve I might add... and a lovely cream chiffon shirt. Lee couldn't find anything he wanted and was desperate to go to Primark or Primarni as I call it so we headed over there as I wanted some stuff for my hospital bag. Hospital bag? I hear you say. Yes you see this time I have decided I'm going to be organised so Lee has a list of all emergency contacts on front of the fridge. Last year was a nightmare when I got ill because we could never find the numbers when we needed them. The hospital give you a card with a whole host of numbers on. Only last time I was admitted in a rush we couldn't find it. And had to go through my emergency doctor who was clueless and didn't have clue. Also, try packing a hospital bag in a rush and getting medication together, its a bloody nightmare! So I'm getting together pyjamas, slippers, dressing gown, toiletries, toiletry bag, stoma bags and medical equipment, hairbrush, phone charger, towel, underwear, and a pair of joggers, top and t-shirt. Then they are all going to be put in a holdall and left in the car. This time if I need admitted I'm going to make sure its stress free for Lee as well as me he was running round like a headless chicken and completely stressed out last time.
We dropped lucky in Primark there was loads of stuff on offer. Lee bought some cargo trousers and a few tops and treated himself to a t-shirt and some joggers to lounge about in. I bought two pairs of pyjamas at six pounds a pair, a dressing gown and some slippers, two bra and knicker sets and, a jog top, bottoms and a two t-shirts and we still only spent eighty quid. I'm not normally a fan but its growing on me!
I can honestly say Lee's birthday was a great day regardless of the chemo and I think he enjoyed it as much as I did.
"I just wish I could have let you have a lie in, sorry I have to have chemo today".
"Hey a birthday is a birthday your chemo is a must. I'll be down in a minute" .
"Okay love you".
"Which present would you like first?" I asked as he walked into the living room and sat down.
"That one" Lee pointed to the smallest of the two.
"Here you are then" I held out his present. His grin said it all when he opened it.
"Wow, thanks. Really thanks"
"Is it the right one?"
"It is great thank you".
"Right and here's your last one" I handed him the heaviest of the two.
"God that's heavy, whats in it?"
"Open it and find out" I told him. His first present a nail gun, he's been after one for ages. I should explain when Lee was abroad as well as working in a bar he was a landscaper gardener he loves nothing more than a bit of DIY or building something out of wood. When he came over here he only brought his clothes. As a single woman who's crap at DIY and all stuff like that I'm pushed to find a screwdriver in our house. So I got him a big bag full of tools like a starter kit.
"Aw Loraine, thanks" I had been worried that as it was all tool related that I got him he'd be a bit disappointed. I had considered a new watch or a mobile phone for him but that just wasn't what he wanted he'd been going on about getting some tools as soon as he got some money so now he had them.
"Are you sure I did the right thing"
"I was expecting an action man for my collection." He wasn't kidding Lee has started collecting action men, he's back to his second childhood. I think its some kind of mid life crisis but I can cope with a few action men round the place it doesn't bother me. "They are brilliant, thanks. Give us a kiss." he pulled me onto his lap and we had a kiss and a cuddle. "Now how are you this morning?"
"I'm okay"
"Nervous?"
"Scared shitless not about having the chemotherapy, about how I'm going to be afterwards". I told him.
"Well if you are sick, you're sick I'll clean it up, no problem. But I have a good feeling I don't think you're going to be sick this time".
"Well I hope you're right".
I tried to tune into the radio as Lee drove us to St James's but none of it sunk in. I was still in my own little world as we pulled into the car park. We got a spot by the door and headed for x-ray.
"I hope we're not here for long" I whinged as I sat down next to Lee.
"I'm sure we won't be".
"I should have said I had chemo at nine thirty they might have hurried us through"
"Its only eight forty-five now Loraine, there's no rush"
"I guess not. I just want to get on with it. I feel on edge".
"You will be".
"Loraine McEvoy" my name was called there was still a delay to me responding to my name I had to laugh this would take some getting used too. I followed the radiographer down the corridor and she showed me into a changing room. "I need you to take off everything on your top half and put this gown on Loraine and then if you put the clothes in a bag and come outside I'll be waiting for you".
"Okay thanks". I gave Lee my bag and coat and headed in to get changed, it took all of two minutes for me to shove the gown on but I couldn't tie it at the back. I stepped outside of the changing room to see Lee sitting on the seat outside I gave lee the carrier bag with my clothes in to hold.
"Can you tie me up?"
"Yes sure I can darl" Lee stood up to tie it just as the radiographer came to the door.
"Oh it doesn't matter she's waiting I'll just go in" I told him and entered the room.
"Have you had a chest x-ray before Loraine?"
"Yes lots of them"
"Can you just confirm your date of birth and full name for me?" she asked and I gave her my details.
"I'll need you to take your chain off for me".
"Oh sorry I forgot" I apologised and took off my necklace and handed it to her. I was probably in the room for all of five minutes before the x-ray was done and I was told I could go.
"Are you back at clinic today Loraine?" she asked as I left.
"Yes I've got chemo at nine thirty" I told her "So they want the results straight away" I added.
"They'll be there by the time you get back upstairs" she told me.
"Great no doubt I'll see you again" she looked at me puzzled. "The PICC line this happens every other week its temperamental" I laughed.
"Ah right well see you again then", I was soon changed and heading out of x-ray with Lee.
"Shall we get some goodies before we go up, we're still a bit early"
"Yes I could do with a paper"
"Right well I'll get a magazine and some chocolate, want a drink?"
"Yes iron bru" Lee got his paper and i got the drinks and magazine and then headed to the chocolate section a chunky peanut butter kit kat was just what I had in mind as I picked it up and placed it on the counter. Lee chose a white one and a Yorkshire post and we were all set ready for chemo.
"Loraine McEvoy?" Fiona approached me as she called my name. "Ah, you see confusing us all with your change of name hello".
"Hi Fee"
"So how did the wedding go?"
"It was great thanks a brilliant day"
"And now you're back to start again?"
"Yes aren't I lucky?" I smiled. Maria appeared at the side of us about five minutes later just as I'd sat down. "Fee can I swap and have Loraine and you take my guy?" she asked.
"Yes sure, why?" Maria took Fee away to explain we didn't get to find out why but I had a feeling he was a tricky customer that she didn't want to deal with.
"Okay Loraine, we need to move you round here I've got you today" Maria announced and took me round the corner to another chair.
"As long as its a working recliner that's fine cos I will whinge if its not" I told her laughing.
"Oh I know you will. So did you have an x-ray?"
"Yep about half an hour ago the results should be up by now" I told her.
"Right we'll get a doctor to look at the results for you and meanwhile I'll get all the stuff ready okay?"
"Okay thanks".
Maria came back to us about half an hour later to say we were good to go with the chemo and that the PICC line was in place and there was no issue.
"The thing is its happening all the time now and I'm sorry but the whole idea of having the PICC in was to make it easier for my bloods and the chemo and it just seems to be causing more hassle."
"Yes I know what you mean so I've had a word with Alison its flushing okay so we'll give your chemo in it today. What Alison has said though is if it doesn't bleed back when you come for pre-assessment next week that we need to get them to flush it with some special solution it will unblock anything that's causing an obstruction such as soft tissue or clots. They've to leave the solution in for twenty-four hours until you come for chemo on Wednesday. Which means you'll have to have your bloods done the usual way providing we can find a vein. When you come on Wednesday we will try and get your line to bleed back again, to see if its working. If its not then Alison says what we will have to do is arrange either for another PICC line to be put in or a Hickman line putting in, at that point it will be your choice"
"What would you do?"
"Well I prefer Hickman lines but that's because its what I'm used too. The only real difference is that the Hickman line goes into your main jugular vein so there is more chance of infection which is what you have to be careful of."
"So would I do anything different with a Hickman line to a PICC line?"
"Nope it needs flushing weekly the same as your PICC line, obviously you can't go swimming with it same as your PICC line"
"You know I didn't know that, it doesn't matter cos I can't swim, but I didn't actually know I wasn't supposed too"
"Yes just like you're not supposed to submerge it in the bath" Maria added.
"Oh?"
"Have you submerged it in the bath?"
"Would that effect it as far as bleeding back goes and flushing?"
"No the reason we say that is because of the risk of infection obviously in a bath your sat in mucky water and if you were swimming it would be the same scenario".
"Well I'll hold my hands up I have bathed with it in" I told her.
"But not submerged it?"
"Yep" I nodded. "But no one told me not too, I thought they would have mentioned it".
"Mm they should have. But all I will say is you're not supposed to but I guess if you've been doing it since October then you've been lucky"
"Yeh I have haven't i?" we laughed together. "So, this Carboplatin that I'm having today obviously we discussed it last time I came because it had been mentioned and there was a brief chat about it. Dr Ralph says its not as toxic, do you think I'll be sick on it?"
"Honestly Loraine I've not had any patients on it that have been sick, but, I can't say definitely not just that its unlikely."
"And what about side effects like hair loss is that any more likely?"
"No it runs the same risk as the Cisplatin and that hasn't happened to you yet so I doubt it will now".
"And it takes less time I understand because there's less flushing to do, how long are we talking, four or five hours?"
"Oh no less than that you should be done in two".
"Really?"
"Really".
"Oh thats great hey we can do something for your birthday now Lee" I told him and he smiled.
"You have done enough for my birthday today" Lee grinned.
"Oh what did you get birthday boy?" Maria asked.
"Well Loraines mum and dad got me a black and decker sander, Logan got me a leeds united scarf and a frosted beer mug with leeds united on it. Loraine got me a nail gun and a tool bag with loads of tools, I'm a very happy man" he added.
"Good. So i take it married life is going well for you both and the wedding went well?"
"Fantastic. I'm going to bring the photos in as soon as we get them done".
"Well it will be lovely to see them" she smiled. "Right this is your anti-sickness one going in now" she told me sitting down.
"Please do it slow" I grinned. I don't know if I've mentioned this before but the anti sickness drug feels like you're sitting in nettles and being stung all over. If you've ever been stung you will know what I mean. But imagine falling in them because when I say nettle stings all over I mean all over. It starts at your neck and works its way down and then you have to clench your bum cheeks and cross your legs I can tell you, and god it makes you squirm. Eventually it goes to your feet then you know its done. The slower its put into your system the less the effects are. If its put through fast its worse I've had it done both ways and slower is better. Trust me!! I squirmed a bit and began to itch just as Maria said the words "All done".
"Thanks that wasn't bad at all" I told her and she smiled.
"You're welcome". She brought through a bag of chemo and brought Lisa another nurse to do the check with her. "Can you just confirm your details for me Loraine?"
"Loraine Moo." I began "oops Loraine McEvoy" I began again I still keep forgetting my surnames changed it takes some getting used too Maria grinned at me.
"Loraine's just got married and she keeps forgetting her surname so we'll let her off that one" she laughed. "Right carry on Loraine"
"Okay date of birth third of October nineteen seventy, address 21 headlands grove, Ossett and allergic to penicillin" I confirmed.
"Okay thanks. Right lets get you started." She hung the bag of Carboplatin on the drip stand and started it off. Lee settled down to do his crossword and I put the footrest up on my recliner and pulled out my magazine to read. We were about half an hour in when a woman who introduced herself as Hilary stood at my feet.
"I'm from the Robert Ogden Centre we're part of Macmillan and offer complimentary therapies and support to carers and those going through cancer. Anyway I'm here to offer you a complimentary hand and foot massage if you'd like one today?"
"Ooh yes" I nodded eagerly. "I'd love one". Hilary sat down and pulled out a leaflet from her bag. There's all sorts of stuff we can help you with if you're struggling with anything. We have a social worker on site called Josie who can help with financial difficulties and things like that and we're also doing a course called Hope which is directed towards the carers."Lee had been sat listening along with me and his ears pricked up at this point. "Oh whats that?"
"Well its a course that we're offering to carers for them to go on to help them how to cope with a loved one that's going through cancer. If you're interested Lee I could take you round to meet Josie and she can tell you about it whilst I get on with Loraine's hand and foot massage".
"Yes I would be" Lee nodded and just as I was about to butt in he said "Also we're struggling to get carers allowance at the moment, could Josie help with that at all?"
"Yes I'm sure she would be able to help out with that or point you in the right direction. Shall I take you through to meet her?"
"Yes that would be good".
"Right Loraine I'll be back in a minute if you just slip off your shoes and socks for me and I'll get started on your feet when I get back".
"Great" I grinned. Finally someone that wanted to listen and maybe could help Lee get his carers allowance sorted, and something for him. I looked through the booklet whilst I waited for Hilary to come back. There were all sorts of therapy offered at the Robert Ogden center, manicures, Reiki, indian head massage, massage, hypnosis and reflexology sounded good.
"Right that's Lee settled. Have you been reading through the leaflet?"
"I have yes I'll definitely be booking in for a massage" I told her. "I've been wanting one for ages".
She began massaging my feet it felt fab.
"Well we do all sorts of courses Loraine, there's one called look good feel good and basically you come along for the afternoon bring a female friend with you and what we have are beauticians coming in to do mini makeovers and do a talk about applying make up. Its worth coming because you get a goody bag afterwards and I'm told it can contain goodies up to two hundred pounds worth."
"Wow really?"
"Yes. I'll get you details of the next course if you like".
"Yes definitely it sounds good" I told her.
"Lee seems interested in that course".
"Yes it will be good for him to meet other carers I think" I told her. "He's only been here since October I met him in Cyprus last year while I was on holiday. My dad paid for me to go away to give me chance to recover from my operation so I went took a friend with me and met Lee. I went back on holiday to see him again in the June and I was seriously considering moving over there. Then in August as I was due to go back I got told my cancer was back so it scuppered our plans really. I took Logan out to meet him, that's my son and had to tell him my cancer was back and I couldn't move over there. He said it didn't matter he would come to me. I didn't know at that point that the cancer was terminal I found out when I got back from that visit. I had to tell him over the phone. He persuaded me to go back again to visit and take Jenna with me before I started my treatment. When I got there he proposed to me. Then in October he moved over just before I started my chemotherapy" I'd babbled on trying to give Hilary the short version. "He hasn't got many friends over here yet just ones he's met through me and none of them going through what we are. It would be good for him to have someone to talk too that's doing the same thing as him day in, day out".
"What a wonderful story" Hilary smiled at me. "You have a diamond there"
"I know". It was then I noticed her eyes were glistening. "I haven't made you cry have I?"
"You brought a tear or two" she smiled. "What a wonderful story".
"Well we got married on the fourteenth of January and its been pretty good so far" I told her.
"Well that's your feet done lets move to your hands" I held my hands out. "What a beautiful ring" Hilary smiled "you better slip it off so I don't get cream all over it".
"Lee had it hand made in Cyprus" I told her. "Do I have to take my wedding ring off?"
"No leave that on". Just at that point Lee re-appeared.
"Hi love" he bent down and gave me a kiss. "I've signed up to do the course it starts on the twenty second of February"
"Oh great stuff. Does it sound good then?"
"Yes and Josie's going to look into the carers allowance thing for me a bit further and see if there's anything else she can do. You okay if I nip out for a cigarette?"
"Yes sure I am, I'm having a great time here" I told him as Hilary massaged my hands. He came over and gave me another kiss.
"Back in a bit" he told me. Half an hour later I said bye to Hilary and told her I'd been in touch for one of the treatments and might collar her next week for another massage.
"That's you all done Loraine, I'll just go get your medication" Maria told me.
"How quick was that?" I grinned at Lee. "Totally stress free we can go do some shopping now if you want?"
"Yes if you feel okay fine by me" He smiled. Maria appeared with my bag of tricks.
"Right Loraine, Cyclizine three times a day for sickness. Dexamethasone your steroid for tonight don't take it any later than five, then you have twice a day for the next three days then you stop".
"Is that one for sickness as well?"
"Yes that's right"
"I always forget why I'm taking that one" I laughed. "I have that many drugs now I'm loosing count".
"Right so I'll see you next week then".
"Yep see you Wednesday".
We went to next first on our shopping trip where I bought two pairs of jeans, size twelve I might add... and a lovely cream chiffon shirt. Lee couldn't find anything he wanted and was desperate to go to Primark or Primarni as I call it so we headed over there as I wanted some stuff for my hospital bag. Hospital bag? I hear you say. Yes you see this time I have decided I'm going to be organised so Lee has a list of all emergency contacts on front of the fridge. Last year was a nightmare when I got ill because we could never find the numbers when we needed them. The hospital give you a card with a whole host of numbers on. Only last time I was admitted in a rush we couldn't find it. And had to go through my emergency doctor who was clueless and didn't have clue. Also, try packing a hospital bag in a rush and getting medication together, its a bloody nightmare! So I'm getting together pyjamas, slippers, dressing gown, toiletries, toiletry bag, stoma bags and medical equipment, hairbrush, phone charger, towel, underwear, and a pair of joggers, top and t-shirt. Then they are all going to be put in a holdall and left in the car. This time if I need admitted I'm going to make sure its stress free for Lee as well as me he was running round like a headless chicken and completely stressed out last time.
We dropped lucky in Primark there was loads of stuff on offer. Lee bought some cargo trousers and a few tops and treated himself to a t-shirt and some joggers to lounge about in. I bought two pairs of pyjamas at six pounds a pair, a dressing gown and some slippers, two bra and knicker sets and, a jog top, bottoms and a two t-shirts and we still only spent eighty quid. I'm not normally a fan but its growing on me!
I can honestly say Lee's birthday was a great day regardless of the chemo and I think he enjoyed it as much as I did.
Monday 13 February 2012
7th February - CT results
I didn't sleep at all last night I was still up at five am pacing the floor and dreading my results. Eventually I crawled into bed at six, I must have fallen asleep as Lee woke me up around eight appointments at ten forty but need to get there early as I don't have a pre-assessment appointment for my bloods and as I'm provisionally booked in for my chemo on Wednesday I'm gonna need them doing.
We checked in and sat and waited. We'd been waiting around an hour when I saw Louise my named nurse on clinic. I went up and showed her the wedding pics on my phone. "I'll bring the album next week" I told her.
"That would be lovely. Are you for this clinic?"
"Yes I'm under McEvoy now, I'm here for my CT results so keep your fingers crossed for me."
"Who are you seeing?"
"Dr Jagdev"
"Oh, she's not here today its Dr Trigolli or Dr Ralph"
"Well I'd rather not see him he's a prick" Louise held her finger up to her lips and pointed to the room at the side of her with the door open where Dr Trigolli was sitting with two patients... oops.
"I'll make sure your in with Dr Ralph" she told me and I mouthed an apology and smiled and headed back to my seat. I grinned at Lee, "Oops I've just put my foot in it"
"Why what have you done".
"Well Dr Jagdev's not here Louise told me its either Dr Trigolli or Dr Ralph. I told her I'm not seeing Dr Trigolli because he's a prick and who should be sat in the room next to where we were talking with the door open ... but Dr Trigolli, with two patients... oops".
"Dr Trigolli? Do I know him?"
"He's the one that gave me the last lot of CT results and said it didn't matter if it was one tumour or four the outcome was still going to be the same... the one you nearly thumped".
"Oh yes I remember so we're not seeing him then?"
"Nope cos I told her he's a prick" I smiled and Lee smiled back. "Bit of a bugger that he heard me... ah well at least he knows what I think now. I think we'll be waiting longer to see Dr Ralph but she's the one we saw last time". I explained to Lee.
"Oh well she's worth waiting for she was good last time" Lee agreed and we settled down to wait. It was another hour before we were finally called through by Dr Ralph herself.
"Loraine McEvoy?" she called and then smiled when she saw me.
"Then name confused me" she smiled. "How are you both?"
"Great thanks" we replied.
"And the wedding did it go okay?"
"Yes it went well".
"I've a medical student in with me today, do you mind if he sits in?"
"No that's fine". Dr Ralph showed us into a room and asked us to take a seat.
"And, how have you been feeling since treatment stopped?"
"Fantastic" I smiled. "Really good, hence I'm dreading starting the treatment again".
"Well your CT scan results are back" I grabbed Lee's hand and squeezed it. "The results are good" she told us. "I'll pull up the notes then I can tell you what they've said..." There was a pause as she got all the information in front of her. "The tumour on the left of your pelvis has shown slight shrinkage, however nothing major in size. The most change is with the second tumour it hasn't shrunk but there's a change in the appearance of your tumour and it looks dead in the middle".
"Really?" Lee was beaming and I just felt...well... a bit numb really I don't think it had sunk in what she was saying.
"So what happens now?"
"Well, I think we should change your chemotherapy from Cisplatin to Carboplatin as we discussed last time you need quality of life and I think we are all in agreement that on the Cisplatin you really haven't got any. It should be less toxic for you and I think you will tolerate it a lot better. What I suggest is that we do another three cycles of chemotherapy over nine weeks and then repeat another ct scan. How do you feel about that?"
"If that's what you think is best then yes okay".
"So when would she start?" Lee asked.
"Well we've provisionally booked you in for tomorrow Loraine, is that okay with you or would you like a week off to get to grips with it?" I looked at Lee it was his birthday tomorrow.
"Is that okay with you?" He nodded.
"Okay lets start tomorrow then. But I'll need my bloods doing first I'm not booked in for pre-assessment".
"Yes we're aware of that the nurse has arranged for you to go down to the oncology day case unit they will do your bloods there".
"OK and when do I come back to clinic?"
"I think you should go for your first cycle. We'll see how you are with the side effects and then we can discuss them back here in clinic in say, three weeks?"
"Okay".
"Now about the anti-sickness medication.." Dr Ralph began.
"I really don't want the syringe driver" I interrupted. "You have said the sickness shouldn't be as bad so can we try Cyclizine tablets again and see how I go?"
"The syringe driver did work though, didn't it?"
PICC line in my left arm, the syringe driver in my right arm with a box attached to it. Without being crude when I go to the loo because I stand up and have to undo my bag it takes two hands, the syringe driver box doesn't quite reach the floor so I need another hand to hold it when I'm going to the toilet. Its awkward if you know what I mean? And as much as I love Lee its not normal for him to have to accompany me to the toilet. I just want a bit of normality and peeing on my own well that would be normal".
"Okay. Fair enough we will try you on the oral cyclizine without the syringe driver but if it doesn't work I'll make sure the team are aware to put you back on the syringe driver, okay?"
"Okay thanks".
"So have you got any questions?"
"Yes the carboplatin does it take less time than the Cisplatin?"
"Yes it should do because you don't need as many fluids pushing through with it being less toxic".
"And you Lee, any questions?"
"No thanks".
"Right we'll see you in three weeks then". We both said goodbye to Louise in clinic and headed to reception to make an appointment. "I've to make an appointment for three weeks" I told Andrea the receptionist.
"Its suspended at the moment Loraine we'll have to send you it in the post".
"Dr Ralph said to overbook if necessary but not to leave without an appointment" I added.
"Okay nine forty okay for you?"
"Yep that's fine".
"Where to now?"
"Oncology for bloods we've to ask for sister Fiona".
"Fiona's a little busy you'll have to take a seat" We were told when we got to reception.
"God I hope we're not waiting forever Lee last thing I want is to be stuck in here all day especially if we'll be here all day tomorrow".
"Be patient" Lee smiled.
"I'm sorry we're gonna be here for your birthday".
"Don't be its fine. I knew it would probably happen".
About fifteen minutes later Fiona called us through.
"Hi Loraine, do you want to come through"
"Thanks"
"You confused us with the new surname" she smiled. "Did the wedding go well?"
"Yes it was brilliant thanks".
"So they forgot to book you in for pre-assessment then?"
"Yes".
"Right well if you'd like to take a seat lets get you sorted out". I sat down and that's when the fun began once again my blood did not want to flow. "Do you always have this problem?"
"Yep, it happens regularly" I told Fiona. "I think its just in an awkward position that's all it does bleed back eventually it just takes time".
"Its very resistant Loraine"
"It always is".
"I think I'm going to have to find a vein Loraine because this isn't working. Then we'll have to send you for a chest x-ray"
"Again?"
"When was the last time you had one?"
"When I had the last lot of chemotherapy in December" I replied.
"Oh so its been a while then?"
"Well yes it has, but its in the right place Fiona, this happens regularly its just temperamental that's all there's never anything wrong with the line. Its been like this since day one".
"Well I think we should send you for a chest x-ray anyway and just look again. Right sharp scratch and there we are, I got your blood".
"Good. I need to go to the loo" I told her. "Sorry but I think my bags leaking, I could feel my top getting wet".
"Okay you go" she stood up and let me run to the loo. I had no spare stoma bags with me... idiot that i was I kept saying I wouldn't do this anymore but I always do. I stuck my bag back down as best as I could and cleaned myself up. It was lifting at the top. "You okay?" she asked as I came out of the bathroom, that was all it took for the tears to start to flow. "Oh Loraine don't cry".
"I'm sorry its just been one of those days" I explained. "I don't have any spare bags, I can't go for x-ray because it will just continue to leak until I change it."
"Hey its okay we an do the x-ray tomorrow".
"I'm just so frustrated my line never bleeds back its only done it once. The whole point of having the line in was so I didn't have to go through this all the time. I'm having to constantly go to chest x-ray to check its in position and it always is. But nothings ever resolved."
"Okay, I understand. Listen I'll give you the card, go for x-ray tomorrow before you come for your treatment at nine thirty and we'll take it from there okay?"
"Okay" I dried my eyes and we left. I felt stupid I think I was just overtired along with everything else. I should be so happy right now the results are good but I just feel a bit numb.
"Come here" Lee gave me a hug. "You okay?"
"Yes just tired and well, I wanted more I guess".
"Its good news Loraine".
"I know I just wanted more".
"Come on lets get out of here" Lee grabbed my arm and we headed for the car park. "Are you okay?"
"I can't explain how I'm feeling. I haven't been expecting this to go away I'm resigned to the fact that I am going to die. I went today expecting her to say there had been no change I wasn't prepared for more chemotherapy. Its not I'm saying I was going to give up on the treatment and walk away I'm not. I just I wanted to hear the words its over no more treatment. I want to enjoy the time I have left with you Lee I don't want it to be full of hospital appointments and never ending sickness."
"Lets just take things one step at a time see how you go on this treatment like Dr Ralph says then go back for a review of your treatment in three weeks like we said. If its not working we try something else".
"Okay".
"Are your mum and dad in?"
"Should be I told mum I'd come straight there as soon as we'd done to tell them know about the results so they said they'd wait in. I have to be careful about how I tell them though Lee"
"What do you mean?"
"Well I don't think they've really come to the terms with the fact that my illness is terminal yet and if I give them the slightest bit of hope they're going to get carried away and then when the worse happens they won't be prepared".
"Oh Loraine, come here" Lee pulled me into his arms. "Listen, you can't go around protecting everyone all the time. When the time comes and you die your mum and dad will be upset and there is nothing you can do to stop that from happening".
"I know, I just want to make it easier for them that's all. This cancer thing is so damn hard".
"Come on lets get to your mum and dads and explain everything".
"Okay".
We got to my mum and dads about thirty minutes later but the car wasn't in the drive.
"Maybe dads gone out" I said as we pulled up outside the house. We both got out and went to the door I tried the handle and rang the bell but no they weren't in. I stomped back to the car and got in and Lee followed me.
"You okay?"
"No, no I'm not. I'm upset I thought my results were at the forefront of every ones minds at the minute. God maybe I'm being selfish I haven't slept in days worried about what the outcome would be. They said they would be here waiting for me to tell them the news and they're not here".
"Listen they probably just got delayed somewhere try your mums mobile", so I did but her mobile was switched off.
"Lets just go home" I sighed and got in the car and Lee took me home. When I got in there was a message from Lorna asking how it had gone so I rang her.
"Hi sis"
"Hi,"
"I've been to mum and dads, they're not in".
"Oh".
"I'm a bit upset I thought they were as eager to get my results as I was", I babbled.
"Well I know they went to Morrisons this morning but mum said they were going back home to wait for you to call in."
"Well they're not there I wanted to tell them first that's why I'm a bit well miffed I guess. Anyway results are there's some slight shrinkage to one tumour and although the other tumour hasn't shrunk it has changed in appearance and the middle of it appears to be dead. So tomorrow I start chemotherapy again for nine weeks and then they will do a follow up scan. I'm moving from the Cisplatin Chemotherapy to the Carboplatin. Its less toxic so I don't need as much fluids which means it takes less time and I shouldn't be as sick this time round. I'm not having the syringe driver this time I've asked to be put back on the oral tablets I'd rather put up with the sickness than go through that again".
"Well it all sounds positive Loraine. How do you feel?"
"I'm nervous about starting chemo again tomorrow and I just wish the results had given me something more significant, does that make sense?"
"Yes it makes sense. But for now, you'll just have to work with what you've got. I don't understand where mum and dad are though".
"No me neither, never mind eh. I just, well I just thought they would have understood the importance of today that's all".
"I'm sure they did sis".
"Well I'm not going back out again so I'll text mum tell them to come down here when they get back. Right I'm going to go talk to you later".
"Okay bye sis".
"Bye". I turned to Lee. "Lorna thought they were waiting in as well has no idea where they are".
"I'm sure they'll turn up".
"I know"
"Fancy a cuppa?"
"Yes coffee please" I replied and sat down. I tried mums phone again but still no answer so I plonked myself down on the settee. Another twenty minutes had gone by when I got a text from mum saying coming down now. What was that supposed to mean? I was still frustrated and a bit miffed when I picked up the phone to ring.
"Hi its me"
"Where are you?"
"At home. I thought you were waiting in for me to give you the results?"
"I didn't think you'd be home until later"
"Mum I told you my appointment was at ten this morning I said I'd be a while but I would call straight in on the way back from the hospital. You said you had no plans and you would both be in waiting for me to get back. My appointment was at ten its just after two how much later did you think I would be? I only went for the results".
"Sorry love how did it go?"
"I didn't want to tell you over the phone mum that was the whole point of me calling in to tell you".
"Well why don't you call down?"
"I've already been down mum. I'm not coming back out". I was being stubborn I suppose but I was still really miffed that they hadn't waited in.
"Well we will call up to you then, shall we?"
"Okay I'll put the kettle on".
"Hi, I'm sorry love" my mum said hugging me as soon as she walked in.
"Me too, I don't think you realised what a big deal this was for me. I just expected you both to be there waiting anxiously for the results and when you weren't well, I was a bit miffed. I thought this meant something to you".
"It does love of course it does".
"Then where were you?"
"We just nipped up town. We weren't gone long. I'm sorry love,"
"Its okay I'm sorry too I'm just overtired I think I haven't slept for days. Sit down I'll explain about the results...."
"That's good then" my dad said after I'd explained what the doctors said. "The treatments obviously working for you".
"Initial results are good dad yes. But like I said it doesn't mean its gone its a good start that's all". Lee put his arm round me and I smiled.
"I'm gutted we have to start treatment on Lee's birthday though I wanted us to do something together tomorrow and now we'll be stuck at the hospital instead and who knows how I'll feel after".
"Well you could go out tonight instead couldn't you. Why don't you go for a carvery at the Cock and Crown Lee would like it there".
"We've got Logan though"
"Take him with you and Jenna she's going to be home early tonight isn't she you could all go have a little celebration for your results and Lee's birthday".
"Yes I suppose we could. I just well I'm tired".
"Well why don't you go for a lie down until later then when Jenna gets home later you can go".
"Yes I suppose we could"
"If you don't want to its fine" Lee said but I could see the disappointment on his face.
"You know what, lets do it lets go we can have a nice meal... I need cheering up".
"Okay".
"Right we're going to go" my dad said getting up.
"Okay see you later".
"Bye".
We went to the Cock and Crown with the kids later that evening and had a lovely meal. In fact we were just ordering dessert when my mobile rang it was an unknown number but I picked it up anyway.
"Loraine its Kyle"
"Kyle?"
"Yea I just wanted to know how you got on the day" (I should explain at this point Kyle has a strong Scottish accent so I'm trying to write this as you would hear it). I had received a text from him earlier that day and I'd meant to text him but I'd forgotten.
"Its so nice to hear from you I was going to text you back I just haven't got round to it sorry".
"Well I just thought I'd ring and see how you got on?"
"Well the results are okay they show that there is some shrinkage around one tumour and the other has changed in appearance and they think it looks like its dying off."
"So what happens now like?"
"Well I'll start chemo tomorrow for another nine weeks then they'll repeat the CT scan after that and see what the results are".
"That's good then. I'm thinking about coming down and seeing yous when I get a car sorted like".
"That'd be nice Kyle and I know Lee is looking forward to meeting you".
"Right well I'll let you go then and I'll catch you later".
"Okay thanks for ringing and let your mum know the news for me"
"Aye I will".
"Bye kyle".
"Bye".
I smiled around the table at Lee and the kids. "You okay?"
"Yes I'm fine a bit shocked to be honest. Kyle text me earlier along with everyone else I meant to text him back but I hadn't got round to it. Its nice he wants to know how I am, isn't it?"
"Yes really nice".
"He wants to come down and visit when he gets a car sorted. That's okay isn't it?"
"What you asking me for?"
"Well I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable with him being Dave's son" I explained.
"Don't be daft its not his fault his dads a what do you call him again, a dick?"
"Yeah that's it and no its not, he's a nice lad". We finished our meal and headed for home after having dessert. Logan gave Lee his present when we got in a Leeds united sign (which is not going up in the house I might add) and a frosted pint glass with LUFC on the side he was over the moon.
"Thanks Logan they're really nice mate".
"Glad you like them". It was a lovely ending to an informative day it looks like things could be on the up.
We checked in and sat and waited. We'd been waiting around an hour when I saw Louise my named nurse on clinic. I went up and showed her the wedding pics on my phone. "I'll bring the album next week" I told her.
"That would be lovely. Are you for this clinic?"
"Yes I'm under McEvoy now, I'm here for my CT results so keep your fingers crossed for me."
"Who are you seeing?"
"Dr Jagdev"
"Oh, she's not here today its Dr Trigolli or Dr Ralph"
"Well I'd rather not see him he's a prick" Louise held her finger up to her lips and pointed to the room at the side of her with the door open where Dr Trigolli was sitting with two patients... oops.
"I'll make sure your in with Dr Ralph" she told me and I mouthed an apology and smiled and headed back to my seat. I grinned at Lee, "Oops I've just put my foot in it"
"Why what have you done".
"Well Dr Jagdev's not here Louise told me its either Dr Trigolli or Dr Ralph. I told her I'm not seeing Dr Trigolli because he's a prick and who should be sat in the room next to where we were talking with the door open ... but Dr Trigolli, with two patients... oops".
"Dr Trigolli? Do I know him?"
"He's the one that gave me the last lot of CT results and said it didn't matter if it was one tumour or four the outcome was still going to be the same... the one you nearly thumped".
"Oh yes I remember so we're not seeing him then?"
"Nope cos I told her he's a prick" I smiled and Lee smiled back. "Bit of a bugger that he heard me... ah well at least he knows what I think now. I think we'll be waiting longer to see Dr Ralph but she's the one we saw last time". I explained to Lee.
"Oh well she's worth waiting for she was good last time" Lee agreed and we settled down to wait. It was another hour before we were finally called through by Dr Ralph herself.
"Loraine McEvoy?" she called and then smiled when she saw me.
"Then name confused me" she smiled. "How are you both?"
"Great thanks" we replied.
"And the wedding did it go okay?"
"Yes it went well".
"I've a medical student in with me today, do you mind if he sits in?"
"No that's fine". Dr Ralph showed us into a room and asked us to take a seat.
"And, how have you been feeling since treatment stopped?"
"Fantastic" I smiled. "Really good, hence I'm dreading starting the treatment again".
"Well your CT scan results are back" I grabbed Lee's hand and squeezed it. "The results are good" she told us. "I'll pull up the notes then I can tell you what they've said..." There was a pause as she got all the information in front of her. "The tumour on the left of your pelvis has shown slight shrinkage, however nothing major in size. The most change is with the second tumour it hasn't shrunk but there's a change in the appearance of your tumour and it looks dead in the middle".
"Really?" Lee was beaming and I just felt...well... a bit numb really I don't think it had sunk in what she was saying.
"So what happens now?"
"Well, I think we should change your chemotherapy from Cisplatin to Carboplatin as we discussed last time you need quality of life and I think we are all in agreement that on the Cisplatin you really haven't got any. It should be less toxic for you and I think you will tolerate it a lot better. What I suggest is that we do another three cycles of chemotherapy over nine weeks and then repeat another ct scan. How do you feel about that?"
"If that's what you think is best then yes okay".
"So when would she start?" Lee asked.
"Well we've provisionally booked you in for tomorrow Loraine, is that okay with you or would you like a week off to get to grips with it?" I looked at Lee it was his birthday tomorrow.
"Is that okay with you?" He nodded.
"Okay lets start tomorrow then. But I'll need my bloods doing first I'm not booked in for pre-assessment".
"Yes we're aware of that the nurse has arranged for you to go down to the oncology day case unit they will do your bloods there".
"OK and when do I come back to clinic?"
"I think you should go for your first cycle. We'll see how you are with the side effects and then we can discuss them back here in clinic in say, three weeks?"
"Okay".
"Now about the anti-sickness medication.." Dr Ralph began.
"I really don't want the syringe driver" I interrupted. "You have said the sickness shouldn't be as bad so can we try Cyclizine tablets again and see how I go?"
"The syringe driver did work though, didn't it?"
PICC line in my left arm, the syringe driver in my right arm with a box attached to it. Without being crude when I go to the loo because I stand up and have to undo my bag it takes two hands, the syringe driver box doesn't quite reach the floor so I need another hand to hold it when I'm going to the toilet. Its awkward if you know what I mean? And as much as I love Lee its not normal for him to have to accompany me to the toilet. I just want a bit of normality and peeing on my own well that would be normal".
"Okay. Fair enough we will try you on the oral cyclizine without the syringe driver but if it doesn't work I'll make sure the team are aware to put you back on the syringe driver, okay?"
"Okay thanks".
"So have you got any questions?"
"Yes the carboplatin does it take less time than the Cisplatin?"
"Yes it should do because you don't need as many fluids pushing through with it being less toxic".
"And you Lee, any questions?"
"No thanks".
"Right we'll see you in three weeks then". We both said goodbye to Louise in clinic and headed to reception to make an appointment. "I've to make an appointment for three weeks" I told Andrea the receptionist.
"Its suspended at the moment Loraine we'll have to send you it in the post".
"Dr Ralph said to overbook if necessary but not to leave without an appointment" I added.
"Okay nine forty okay for you?"
"Yep that's fine".
"Where to now?"
"Oncology for bloods we've to ask for sister Fiona".
"Fiona's a little busy you'll have to take a seat" We were told when we got to reception.
"God I hope we're not waiting forever Lee last thing I want is to be stuck in here all day especially if we'll be here all day tomorrow".
"Be patient" Lee smiled.
"I'm sorry we're gonna be here for your birthday".
"Don't be its fine. I knew it would probably happen".
About fifteen minutes later Fiona called us through.
"Hi Loraine, do you want to come through"
"Thanks"
"You confused us with the new surname" she smiled. "Did the wedding go well?"
"Yes it was brilliant thanks".
"So they forgot to book you in for pre-assessment then?"
"Yes".
"Right well if you'd like to take a seat lets get you sorted out". I sat down and that's when the fun began once again my blood did not want to flow. "Do you always have this problem?"
"Yep, it happens regularly" I told Fiona. "I think its just in an awkward position that's all it does bleed back eventually it just takes time".
"Its very resistant Loraine"
"It always is".
"I think I'm going to have to find a vein Loraine because this isn't working. Then we'll have to send you for a chest x-ray"
"Again?"
"When was the last time you had one?"
"When I had the last lot of chemotherapy in December" I replied.
"Oh so its been a while then?"
"Well yes it has, but its in the right place Fiona, this happens regularly its just temperamental that's all there's never anything wrong with the line. Its been like this since day one".
"Well I think we should send you for a chest x-ray anyway and just look again. Right sharp scratch and there we are, I got your blood".
"Good. I need to go to the loo" I told her. "Sorry but I think my bags leaking, I could feel my top getting wet".
"Okay you go" she stood up and let me run to the loo. I had no spare stoma bags with me... idiot that i was I kept saying I wouldn't do this anymore but I always do. I stuck my bag back down as best as I could and cleaned myself up. It was lifting at the top. "You okay?" she asked as I came out of the bathroom, that was all it took for the tears to start to flow. "Oh Loraine don't cry".
"I'm sorry its just been one of those days" I explained. "I don't have any spare bags, I can't go for x-ray because it will just continue to leak until I change it."
"Hey its okay we an do the x-ray tomorrow".
"I'm just so frustrated my line never bleeds back its only done it once. The whole point of having the line in was so I didn't have to go through this all the time. I'm having to constantly go to chest x-ray to check its in position and it always is. But nothings ever resolved."
"Okay, I understand. Listen I'll give you the card, go for x-ray tomorrow before you come for your treatment at nine thirty and we'll take it from there okay?"
"Okay" I dried my eyes and we left. I felt stupid I think I was just overtired along with everything else. I should be so happy right now the results are good but I just feel a bit numb.
"Come here" Lee gave me a hug. "You okay?"
"Yes just tired and well, I wanted more I guess".
"Its good news Loraine".
"I know I just wanted more".
"Come on lets get out of here" Lee grabbed my arm and we headed for the car park. "Are you okay?"
"I can't explain how I'm feeling. I haven't been expecting this to go away I'm resigned to the fact that I am going to die. I went today expecting her to say there had been no change I wasn't prepared for more chemotherapy. Its not I'm saying I was going to give up on the treatment and walk away I'm not. I just I wanted to hear the words its over no more treatment. I want to enjoy the time I have left with you Lee I don't want it to be full of hospital appointments and never ending sickness."
"Lets just take things one step at a time see how you go on this treatment like Dr Ralph says then go back for a review of your treatment in three weeks like we said. If its not working we try something else".
"Okay".
"Are your mum and dad in?"
"Should be I told mum I'd come straight there as soon as we'd done to tell them know about the results so they said they'd wait in. I have to be careful about how I tell them though Lee"
"What do you mean?"
"Well I don't think they've really come to the terms with the fact that my illness is terminal yet and if I give them the slightest bit of hope they're going to get carried away and then when the worse happens they won't be prepared".
"Oh Loraine, come here" Lee pulled me into his arms. "Listen, you can't go around protecting everyone all the time. When the time comes and you die your mum and dad will be upset and there is nothing you can do to stop that from happening".
"I know, I just want to make it easier for them that's all. This cancer thing is so damn hard".
"Come on lets get to your mum and dads and explain everything".
"Okay".
We got to my mum and dads about thirty minutes later but the car wasn't in the drive.
"Maybe dads gone out" I said as we pulled up outside the house. We both got out and went to the door I tried the handle and rang the bell but no they weren't in. I stomped back to the car and got in and Lee followed me.
"You okay?"
"No, no I'm not. I'm upset I thought my results were at the forefront of every ones minds at the minute. God maybe I'm being selfish I haven't slept in days worried about what the outcome would be. They said they would be here waiting for me to tell them the news and they're not here".
"Listen they probably just got delayed somewhere try your mums mobile", so I did but her mobile was switched off.
"Lets just go home" I sighed and got in the car and Lee took me home. When I got in there was a message from Lorna asking how it had gone so I rang her.
"Hi sis"
"Hi,"
"I've been to mum and dads, they're not in".
"Oh".
"I'm a bit upset I thought they were as eager to get my results as I was", I babbled.
"Well I know they went to Morrisons this morning but mum said they were going back home to wait for you to call in."
"Well they're not there I wanted to tell them first that's why I'm a bit well miffed I guess. Anyway results are there's some slight shrinkage to one tumour and although the other tumour hasn't shrunk it has changed in appearance and the middle of it appears to be dead. So tomorrow I start chemotherapy again for nine weeks and then they will do a follow up scan. I'm moving from the Cisplatin Chemotherapy to the Carboplatin. Its less toxic so I don't need as much fluids which means it takes less time and I shouldn't be as sick this time round. I'm not having the syringe driver this time I've asked to be put back on the oral tablets I'd rather put up with the sickness than go through that again".
"Well it all sounds positive Loraine. How do you feel?"
"I'm nervous about starting chemo again tomorrow and I just wish the results had given me something more significant, does that make sense?"
"Yes it makes sense. But for now, you'll just have to work with what you've got. I don't understand where mum and dad are though".
"No me neither, never mind eh. I just, well I just thought they would have understood the importance of today that's all".
"I'm sure they did sis".
"Well I'm not going back out again so I'll text mum tell them to come down here when they get back. Right I'm going to go talk to you later".
"Okay bye sis".
"Bye". I turned to Lee. "Lorna thought they were waiting in as well has no idea where they are".
"I'm sure they'll turn up".
"I know"
"Fancy a cuppa?"
"Yes coffee please" I replied and sat down. I tried mums phone again but still no answer so I plonked myself down on the settee. Another twenty minutes had gone by when I got a text from mum saying coming down now. What was that supposed to mean? I was still frustrated and a bit miffed when I picked up the phone to ring.
"Hi its me"
"Where are you?"
"At home. I thought you were waiting in for me to give you the results?"
"I didn't think you'd be home until later"
"Mum I told you my appointment was at ten this morning I said I'd be a while but I would call straight in on the way back from the hospital. You said you had no plans and you would both be in waiting for me to get back. My appointment was at ten its just after two how much later did you think I would be? I only went for the results".
"Sorry love how did it go?"
"I didn't want to tell you over the phone mum that was the whole point of me calling in to tell you".
"Well why don't you call down?"
"I've already been down mum. I'm not coming back out". I was being stubborn I suppose but I was still really miffed that they hadn't waited in.
"Well we will call up to you then, shall we?"
"Okay I'll put the kettle on".
"Hi, I'm sorry love" my mum said hugging me as soon as she walked in.
"Me too, I don't think you realised what a big deal this was for me. I just expected you both to be there waiting anxiously for the results and when you weren't well, I was a bit miffed. I thought this meant something to you".
"It does love of course it does".
"Then where were you?"
"We just nipped up town. We weren't gone long. I'm sorry love,"
"Its okay I'm sorry too I'm just overtired I think I haven't slept for days. Sit down I'll explain about the results...."
"That's good then" my dad said after I'd explained what the doctors said. "The treatments obviously working for you".
"Initial results are good dad yes. But like I said it doesn't mean its gone its a good start that's all". Lee put his arm round me and I smiled.
"I'm gutted we have to start treatment on Lee's birthday though I wanted us to do something together tomorrow and now we'll be stuck at the hospital instead and who knows how I'll feel after".
"Well you could go out tonight instead couldn't you. Why don't you go for a carvery at the Cock and Crown Lee would like it there".
"We've got Logan though"
"Take him with you and Jenna she's going to be home early tonight isn't she you could all go have a little celebration for your results and Lee's birthday".
"Yes I suppose we could. I just well I'm tired".
"Well why don't you go for a lie down until later then when Jenna gets home later you can go".
"Yes I suppose we could"
"If you don't want to its fine" Lee said but I could see the disappointment on his face.
"You know what, lets do it lets go we can have a nice meal... I need cheering up".
"Okay".
"Right we're going to go" my dad said getting up.
"Okay see you later".
"Bye".
We went to the Cock and Crown with the kids later that evening and had a lovely meal. In fact we were just ordering dessert when my mobile rang it was an unknown number but I picked it up anyway.
"Loraine its Kyle"
"Kyle?"
"Yea I just wanted to know how you got on the day" (I should explain at this point Kyle has a strong Scottish accent so I'm trying to write this as you would hear it). I had received a text from him earlier that day and I'd meant to text him but I'd forgotten.
"Its so nice to hear from you I was going to text you back I just haven't got round to it sorry".
"Well I just thought I'd ring and see how you got on?"
"Well the results are okay they show that there is some shrinkage around one tumour and the other has changed in appearance and they think it looks like its dying off."
"So what happens now like?"
"Well I'll start chemo tomorrow for another nine weeks then they'll repeat the CT scan after that and see what the results are".
"That's good then. I'm thinking about coming down and seeing yous when I get a car sorted like".
"That'd be nice Kyle and I know Lee is looking forward to meeting you".
"Right well I'll let you go then and I'll catch you later".
"Okay thanks for ringing and let your mum know the news for me"
"Aye I will".
"Bye kyle".
"Bye".
I smiled around the table at Lee and the kids. "You okay?"
"Yes I'm fine a bit shocked to be honest. Kyle text me earlier along with everyone else I meant to text him back but I hadn't got round to it. Its nice he wants to know how I am, isn't it?"
"Yes really nice".
"He wants to come down and visit when he gets a car sorted. That's okay isn't it?"
"What you asking me for?"
"Well I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable with him being Dave's son" I explained.
"Don't be daft its not his fault his dads a what do you call him again, a dick?"
"Yeah that's it and no its not, he's a nice lad". We finished our meal and headed for home after having dessert. Logan gave Lee his present when we got in a Leeds united sign (which is not going up in the house I might add) and a frosted pint glass with LUFC on the side he was over the moon.
"Thanks Logan they're really nice mate".
"Glad you like them". It was a lovely ending to an informative day it looks like things could be on the up.
Saturday 4 February 2012
4th February - If only....
So, yesterday several things happened Julie, my Macmillan nurse called in to see both Lee and I. We haven't seen her since before the wedding when we were both stressed and I still had the syringe driver in. It was nice to see her whilst I was feeling well for a change and I was looking forward to showing her the wedding photos we had so far. Sue says the official photos should be done by next week. Anyway I had a long discussion with Julie about how I was feeling and what had happened since we last saw her. She asked the ultimate question
"How do you feel about getting your results on Tuesday?"
"I'm terrified" I replied, and I am. I don't admit to being scared very often I like to put this brave appearance on for everyone, me included. Why? Because putting this brave exterior on gives me that little bit of courage that I need to continue.
"What are you worried about?"
"Well the pains been really bad over the last week or so. My thoughts are if the treatment had worked I wouldn't be experiencing all this pain would I?"
"I can see why you're thinking that way. But, look at it this way, before Christmas you were taking eighty milligrammes of Zomorph and Oramorph liquid for break through pain (these are both morphine for those of you that don't know). You went from that, to nothing overnight. Because you were on such a high dose and had been for a while it can take a while to come out of your system. You substituted the Zomorph and Oramorph with co-codamol which was probably topping up your pain relief. Your pains got worse over the last few weeks, but that could be because the Morphine has now come out of your system. So it feels more intense but might not necessarily be more intense. I don't know what your results will be on Tuesday but whatever they are we will get you through this".
"Thanks Julie".
"So, what I need to do now is get this pain relief sorted out for you, so you're on twenty milligrammes of Oxycodone?"
"Yes that's right"
"And what about the Oxynorm, how much of that are you having?"
"Honestly?" I smiled at her. "Hardly any, I can't stand the taste. If you've ever had an anaesthetic Julie that taste that you get in the back of your throat as you are going under... well that's what Oxynorm liquid tastes like, its vile".
"But as my gran used to say if medicine tastes bad it makes you better" Lee interrupted.
"I know, but it makes me gag sorry". I apologised.
"Hey don't be sorry whatever pain medication we put you on, its you that has to take it so it has to work for you. What I can do is give you the Oxynorm liquid in a tablet form, and immediate release tablet of ten milligrammes, how does that sound?"
"Yes that would be good" I agreed. So the result of that meeting is that I now have forty milligrammes of slow release Oxycodone tablets to take every twelve hours. A ten milligramme Oxynorm tablet immediate release tablet to take for breakthrough pain every four hours if necessary and a further tablet to regulate my bowels because Oxycodone can make you constipated. So, what else can happen right? Well it turns out one of the side effects of taking Oxycodone is that it makes your skin itch and when I say itch, I feel like I have fleas, so now I have to take an antihistamine tablet as well as the other three, I'm loosing track ha ha. So it looks like the pill dispenser box my mum gave me is going to come in handy.
My cash back from my car insurance policy cleared in my bank account too so Lee and I decided it would be nice to do something with Logan after school. He's only coming over twice a week and its been ages since we went anywhere and did anything together, last time was our wedding.
"What about the cinema, is there anything good on?" I jumped on the laptop and had a look at what was showing at Wakefield cineworld.
"There's The Chronicle, Man on a ledge, or there's the Liam Neeson film The Grey" at that point the phone rang it was Logan.
"Can one of you two pick me up?"
"Yes"
"Who's coming you or Lee?"
"Can you pick Logan up?"
"Yes tell him on my way and I'll pick him up at the usual place" Lee replied. Lee left and I continued to look at the films advertised on the cineworld website. The chronicle sounded good and so did The Grey.
"Logan fancy the cinema and maybe a takeaway?" I asked him.
"Depends whats on"
"There's a few films that sound good have a look".
"Either The Chronicle or The Grey both sound good".
"Well its your choice" Lee told him. "I want to call at the garden centre for a nosey first though" he smiled. I knew he'd been wanting to go to the garden centre for the last couple of days but we were forever getting sidetracked and hadn't been able to go.
"Right Logan you go get changed and then we'll go to the garden centre first and then to the cinema, okay?"
"Sure I'll go get changed".
We arrived at the garden centre too late it was quarter to five and it was just about to close I actually thought it was open later than five o'clock my mistake.
"Sorry. I thought it was open later, we can always come tomorrow".
"Okay so shall we go to the cinema first?"
"Yep lets go see what times the showings are and make up our mind which film whilst we're there".
When we arrived it was a twenty minute wait for the start of the chronicle and an hour and twenty minute wait for The Grey.
"We could go get something to eat first then come to the cinema?" I suggested.
"Okay, what do you fancy Logan, Nandos, Frankie and Benny's or Pizza hut?"
"Pizza hut" Logan said grinning.
"Good choice!" Lee grinned and they both walked ahead of me towards Pizza Hut. Logan opted for his usual choice of Double Pepperoni with a stuffed crust on a barbecue base, it was very rare he chose anything different.
"What are you having?" I asked Lee.
"You choose darl"
"No seriously I'm going to have some salad from the salad bar but I'm not all that hungry so I'll probably just eat two slices of whatever".
"Chicken Supreme would be good then" he smiled.
I ate one slice of pepperoni and two of chicken supreme in the end and a full salad bowl, I was stuffed. We were going to have a dessert there was no way I was going to manage one now though.
"Lee do you still want a dessert?"
"No thanks darl, I've had enough".
"Logan, do you want a dessert?"
"No mum".
"Just popcorn at the cinema then?"
"Sounds good" Lee agreed.
The Grey is a good film, I'm not going to tell you all about it in case some of you decide to go and watch it. The only thing I will say is that its a very weird ending! A good film though, very good film.
We got home just after eight my mum had text to let me know Jenna was stopping over at theirs for the night. So we got home to a quiet house and just sit and chilled out for the night watching some TV. Lee was first up to bed I wasn't in the slightest bit tired and then he pointed out it was nearly two am.
"God I didn't realise it was that late, I'll finish working on this bit of my blog and then I'll be up".
"Okay darl, night Logan".
Logan was next up to bed and I still wasn't in the slightest bit tired. Eventually at just after three I headed to bed anyway in the hope that sleep would come.
Lee woke first followed by me and a ten we had to wake Logan up as he said he wanted to be back at his dads before lunch. Lee still wanted to go to the garden center.
"I've been thinking about that car insurance cash back we got. Shall we get a new TV?"
"Its your money its up to you, but don't blow it all in one go we might need it."
"I had a look on the internet last night there's some forty inch ones on offer in Currys and we would still have some money left from the cash back we got. And, at least we wouldn't have to look at people with dirty faces anymore". Now this may sound crazy but you have to see my TV to believe it. It has a screen burn that looks light a flash of lightening running down the middle of the screen, in turn every single face that shows on my TV looks brown or green or simply just discoloured on one side.
"Well lets go and have a look see what they've got after the garden centre".
"Okay". I'd taken some advice from Logan with regards to which TV we should get. I should mention I'm a total technophobe when it comes to buying new electrical equipment. I didn't want to risk buying a TV that could end up with a screen burn the same as my current Plasma. So Logan advised me to get an LED one. We were going on a hunt. But first we had to drop Logan off home and then head to the garden centre... although why we're going I'm still not sure.
The problem with the garden centre on denby dale road.... its like a bloody maze once you get in there. They have expanded it that much that I can't find my way round it anymore. We spent an hour in there having a coffee and a sandwich and then had a walk round. Lee was looking at the prices on Dog Kennels, Bird Houses, Rabbit cages and pretty much anything else made of wood. I didn't understand until he explained to me.
"I could make these same quality but for quarter of the price. It would give me something to do and a bit of extra cash. All I need to do is put a few adverts up here and there. I could do planters and hanging baskets in the summer as well". So it looks like Lee has found himself something to do. If you're interested in hanging baskets, wooden planters or an animal home of some kind let me know and I'm sure he can knock you something together.
Next was TV shopping. We headed for Curry's first. Good old reliable Curry's I always end up there i should have a loyalty card. For instance when I got made redundant in 2009 and I got paid out. I went to currys and bought myself and american style fridge freezer, a washing machine, tumble dryer and a dishwasher all on the same day... they still didn't give me any bloody discount ha ha. So here I am again only this time I'm with Lee and we're buying our first TV together, it feels nice. I did look at the 3D TV's but you know what... why? Why would you want to sit on your settee and have to wear a stupid pair of specs to watch it? I just don't understand... as I said before technophobe... big one... that's me! We found a TV we liked in Curry's a Forty inch Samsung TV, with built in Freeview it had two hundred pounds knocked off the price and well it didn't have a great big brown stain on it from a screen burn, so even better! They had two in stock so we could take it home today, but we decided to go over and have a look at Comet for prices as well. We had taken two paces into the store before some greasy haired salesman jumped on us...I hate that... I really really hate it. So straight away I went off the idea of getting a TV from them. He'd shot himself in the foot by pouncing on us straight away and then he made it worse by not answering a simple question.
"Do you have any in stock, if we were to come back for it later on?" Lee asked.
"Well there's the ultimate question I mean whilst we are talking there could be five people on the internet doing a reserve and collect within the next ten minutes. The stock changes so fast".
"I think you misunderstood, if we were to come back within the next hour will you have one in the back for us to pick up?" I asked trying to simplify the question.
"Well as I said we might have five in but in an hour they could have all been reserved and collected so we won't have them anymore", he replied. I knew he was pushing for a sale.
"Well we need to go to the bank because I need to transfer the money out of our savings account but there's no point in coming back here if they don't know if they have stock or not". Lee smirked and I smiled back.
"Oh, well let me just check the stock as it stands at the minute". he disappeared in the back and came out about five minutes later.
"There's two in the stock room just now".
"Right well we'll go for a coffee and might be back later". I told him as we left.
"So, where now then?" Lee asked as we left.
"Curry's at least there not as pushy and the TV was the same price as well".
"I'm with you on that one".
What we didn't consider when it came to setting up the TV, is that we are both technophobes and have no idea what wire goes where... so it took a while. Then it got complicated as on my old TV there is two scart sockets on my new one, only one. Then, my old TV didn't have an aerial but it still had a picture. When we tried setting up our new TV it insisted we plugged an aerial into the back of the TV from the sky box... but why didn't we need one before?? I just don't get it. As I said I'm crap with wires and Lee's no better than me. So after a bit of snapping at each other as we both got stressed setting it up, we finally got a picture on it. We can't get the DVD player to work as that has a scart cable but there is no free socket on the back of the TV to plug it into...I just know we have done something wrong. I just have no idea what. So on Tuesday when Logan comes for tea I have a little job for him. Wiring up my TV so that I can have the DVD and the Sky box both working at the same time ha ha.
Lee's gone to bed I think he's coming down with a cold and I'm sitting here writing this blog and wondering when I'll start to feel tired tonight. The problem when I'm on my own is I start thinking and at this minute in time these are the thoughts running through my head.........
If only I had thirty thousand in my bank or forty or fifty.... You see if I did have thirty, forty, or fifty grand I could pay a lump sum off my mortgage, thus reducing the repayments which would enable me to keep my house. It was more paperwork through the post from the solicitors dealing with the mortgage rescue scheme, that set that little thought off in my head, and now I can't get rid of it!
Then there's this, I don't know if I believe in god, I do believe there is life after death, in spirits and being able to communicate with people after they die. But, do I believe there is one person up above us controlling everything.... mm not really sure. If there is, then I would like to know why I keep getting all this shit thrown at me? I mean getting cancer is bad enough! But having to say goodbye to the only asset I had to leave my children when I die? Well that stinks! Most kids when they loose parents are left with an inheritance... Mine? Mine get zilch, because there is nothing to leave them no money no jewellery worth anything and pretty soon no house!! That is my deepest regret that I didn't do more to secure their future. If only I hadn't cancelled my mortgage protection, if only I hadn't cancelled my life insurance when things got tough....my life is full of if only s.
I hope in my heart when I go on Tuesday its good news so I can guide Jenna and help her find stability and get her to a stage where she's content before I have to leave this earth. I want to see Logan go to University and graduate because I have no doubt that he is very capable of doing it. Then there's Lee, I only just found him, the guy I have been searching for all my life I want us to spend time together to have some holidays together, celebrate our birthdays together and to grow old together only time will tell if that prayer gets answered, but I hope to god that it does. Anyway bedtime for me. Night all xx
"How do you feel about getting your results on Tuesday?"
"I'm terrified" I replied, and I am. I don't admit to being scared very often I like to put this brave appearance on for everyone, me included. Why? Because putting this brave exterior on gives me that little bit of courage that I need to continue.
"What are you worried about?"
"Well the pains been really bad over the last week or so. My thoughts are if the treatment had worked I wouldn't be experiencing all this pain would I?"
"I can see why you're thinking that way. But, look at it this way, before Christmas you were taking eighty milligrammes of Zomorph and Oramorph liquid for break through pain (these are both morphine for those of you that don't know). You went from that, to nothing overnight. Because you were on such a high dose and had been for a while it can take a while to come out of your system. You substituted the Zomorph and Oramorph with co-codamol which was probably topping up your pain relief. Your pains got worse over the last few weeks, but that could be because the Morphine has now come out of your system. So it feels more intense but might not necessarily be more intense. I don't know what your results will be on Tuesday but whatever they are we will get you through this".
"Thanks Julie".
"So, what I need to do now is get this pain relief sorted out for you, so you're on twenty milligrammes of Oxycodone?"
"Yes that's right"
"And what about the Oxynorm, how much of that are you having?"
"Honestly?" I smiled at her. "Hardly any, I can't stand the taste. If you've ever had an anaesthetic Julie that taste that you get in the back of your throat as you are going under... well that's what Oxynorm liquid tastes like, its vile".
"But as my gran used to say if medicine tastes bad it makes you better" Lee interrupted.
"I know, but it makes me gag sorry". I apologised.
"Hey don't be sorry whatever pain medication we put you on, its you that has to take it so it has to work for you. What I can do is give you the Oxynorm liquid in a tablet form, and immediate release tablet of ten milligrammes, how does that sound?"
"Yes that would be good" I agreed. So the result of that meeting is that I now have forty milligrammes of slow release Oxycodone tablets to take every twelve hours. A ten milligramme Oxynorm tablet immediate release tablet to take for breakthrough pain every four hours if necessary and a further tablet to regulate my bowels because Oxycodone can make you constipated. So, what else can happen right? Well it turns out one of the side effects of taking Oxycodone is that it makes your skin itch and when I say itch, I feel like I have fleas, so now I have to take an antihistamine tablet as well as the other three, I'm loosing track ha ha. So it looks like the pill dispenser box my mum gave me is going to come in handy.
My cash back from my car insurance policy cleared in my bank account too so Lee and I decided it would be nice to do something with Logan after school. He's only coming over twice a week and its been ages since we went anywhere and did anything together, last time was our wedding.
"What about the cinema, is there anything good on?" I jumped on the laptop and had a look at what was showing at Wakefield cineworld.
"There's The Chronicle, Man on a ledge, or there's the Liam Neeson film The Grey" at that point the phone rang it was Logan.
"Can one of you two pick me up?"
"Yes"
"Who's coming you or Lee?"
"Can you pick Logan up?"
"Yes tell him on my way and I'll pick him up at the usual place" Lee replied. Lee left and I continued to look at the films advertised on the cineworld website. The chronicle sounded good and so did The Grey.
"Logan fancy the cinema and maybe a takeaway?" I asked him.
"Depends whats on"
"There's a few films that sound good have a look".
"Either The Chronicle or The Grey both sound good".
"Well its your choice" Lee told him. "I want to call at the garden centre for a nosey first though" he smiled. I knew he'd been wanting to go to the garden centre for the last couple of days but we were forever getting sidetracked and hadn't been able to go.
"Right Logan you go get changed and then we'll go to the garden centre first and then to the cinema, okay?"
"Sure I'll go get changed".
We arrived at the garden centre too late it was quarter to five and it was just about to close I actually thought it was open later than five o'clock my mistake.
"Sorry. I thought it was open later, we can always come tomorrow".
"Okay so shall we go to the cinema first?"
"Yep lets go see what times the showings are and make up our mind which film whilst we're there".
When we arrived it was a twenty minute wait for the start of the chronicle and an hour and twenty minute wait for The Grey.
"We could go get something to eat first then come to the cinema?" I suggested.
"Okay, what do you fancy Logan, Nandos, Frankie and Benny's or Pizza hut?"
"Pizza hut" Logan said grinning.
"Good choice!" Lee grinned and they both walked ahead of me towards Pizza Hut. Logan opted for his usual choice of Double Pepperoni with a stuffed crust on a barbecue base, it was very rare he chose anything different.
"What are you having?" I asked Lee.
"You choose darl"
"No seriously I'm going to have some salad from the salad bar but I'm not all that hungry so I'll probably just eat two slices of whatever".
"Chicken Supreme would be good then" he smiled.
I ate one slice of pepperoni and two of chicken supreme in the end and a full salad bowl, I was stuffed. We were going to have a dessert there was no way I was going to manage one now though.
"Lee do you still want a dessert?"
"No thanks darl, I've had enough".
"Logan, do you want a dessert?"
"No mum".
"Just popcorn at the cinema then?"
"Sounds good" Lee agreed.
The Grey is a good film, I'm not going to tell you all about it in case some of you decide to go and watch it. The only thing I will say is that its a very weird ending! A good film though, very good film.
We got home just after eight my mum had text to let me know Jenna was stopping over at theirs for the night. So we got home to a quiet house and just sit and chilled out for the night watching some TV. Lee was first up to bed I wasn't in the slightest bit tired and then he pointed out it was nearly two am.
"God I didn't realise it was that late, I'll finish working on this bit of my blog and then I'll be up".
"Okay darl, night Logan".
Logan was next up to bed and I still wasn't in the slightest bit tired. Eventually at just after three I headed to bed anyway in the hope that sleep would come.
Lee woke first followed by me and a ten we had to wake Logan up as he said he wanted to be back at his dads before lunch. Lee still wanted to go to the garden center.
"I've been thinking about that car insurance cash back we got. Shall we get a new TV?"
"Its your money its up to you, but don't blow it all in one go we might need it."
"I had a look on the internet last night there's some forty inch ones on offer in Currys and we would still have some money left from the cash back we got. And, at least we wouldn't have to look at people with dirty faces anymore". Now this may sound crazy but you have to see my TV to believe it. It has a screen burn that looks light a flash of lightening running down the middle of the screen, in turn every single face that shows on my TV looks brown or green or simply just discoloured on one side.
"Well lets go and have a look see what they've got after the garden centre".
"Okay". I'd taken some advice from Logan with regards to which TV we should get. I should mention I'm a total technophobe when it comes to buying new electrical equipment. I didn't want to risk buying a TV that could end up with a screen burn the same as my current Plasma. So Logan advised me to get an LED one. We were going on a hunt. But first we had to drop Logan off home and then head to the garden centre... although why we're going I'm still not sure.
The problem with the garden centre on denby dale road.... its like a bloody maze once you get in there. They have expanded it that much that I can't find my way round it anymore. We spent an hour in there having a coffee and a sandwich and then had a walk round. Lee was looking at the prices on Dog Kennels, Bird Houses, Rabbit cages and pretty much anything else made of wood. I didn't understand until he explained to me.
"I could make these same quality but for quarter of the price. It would give me something to do and a bit of extra cash. All I need to do is put a few adverts up here and there. I could do planters and hanging baskets in the summer as well". So it looks like Lee has found himself something to do. If you're interested in hanging baskets, wooden planters or an animal home of some kind let me know and I'm sure he can knock you something together.
Next was TV shopping. We headed for Curry's first. Good old reliable Curry's I always end up there i should have a loyalty card. For instance when I got made redundant in 2009 and I got paid out. I went to currys and bought myself and american style fridge freezer, a washing machine, tumble dryer and a dishwasher all on the same day... they still didn't give me any bloody discount ha ha. So here I am again only this time I'm with Lee and we're buying our first TV together, it feels nice. I did look at the 3D TV's but you know what... why? Why would you want to sit on your settee and have to wear a stupid pair of specs to watch it? I just don't understand... as I said before technophobe... big one... that's me! We found a TV we liked in Curry's a Forty inch Samsung TV, with built in Freeview it had two hundred pounds knocked off the price and well it didn't have a great big brown stain on it from a screen burn, so even better! They had two in stock so we could take it home today, but we decided to go over and have a look at Comet for prices as well. We had taken two paces into the store before some greasy haired salesman jumped on us...I hate that... I really really hate it. So straight away I went off the idea of getting a TV from them. He'd shot himself in the foot by pouncing on us straight away and then he made it worse by not answering a simple question.
"Do you have any in stock, if we were to come back for it later on?" Lee asked.
"Well there's the ultimate question I mean whilst we are talking there could be five people on the internet doing a reserve and collect within the next ten minutes. The stock changes so fast".
"I think you misunderstood, if we were to come back within the next hour will you have one in the back for us to pick up?" I asked trying to simplify the question.
"Well as I said we might have five in but in an hour they could have all been reserved and collected so we won't have them anymore", he replied. I knew he was pushing for a sale.
"Well we need to go to the bank because I need to transfer the money out of our savings account but there's no point in coming back here if they don't know if they have stock or not". Lee smirked and I smiled back.
"Oh, well let me just check the stock as it stands at the minute". he disappeared in the back and came out about five minutes later.
"There's two in the stock room just now".
"Right well we'll go for a coffee and might be back later". I told him as we left.
"So, where now then?" Lee asked as we left.
"Curry's at least there not as pushy and the TV was the same price as well".
"I'm with you on that one".
What we didn't consider when it came to setting up the TV, is that we are both technophobes and have no idea what wire goes where... so it took a while. Then it got complicated as on my old TV there is two scart sockets on my new one, only one. Then, my old TV didn't have an aerial but it still had a picture. When we tried setting up our new TV it insisted we plugged an aerial into the back of the TV from the sky box... but why didn't we need one before?? I just don't get it. As I said I'm crap with wires and Lee's no better than me. So after a bit of snapping at each other as we both got stressed setting it up, we finally got a picture on it. We can't get the DVD player to work as that has a scart cable but there is no free socket on the back of the TV to plug it into...I just know we have done something wrong. I just have no idea what. So on Tuesday when Logan comes for tea I have a little job for him. Wiring up my TV so that I can have the DVD and the Sky box both working at the same time ha ha.
Lee's gone to bed I think he's coming down with a cold and I'm sitting here writing this blog and wondering when I'll start to feel tired tonight. The problem when I'm on my own is I start thinking and at this minute in time these are the thoughts running through my head.........
If only I had thirty thousand in my bank or forty or fifty.... You see if I did have thirty, forty, or fifty grand I could pay a lump sum off my mortgage, thus reducing the repayments which would enable me to keep my house. It was more paperwork through the post from the solicitors dealing with the mortgage rescue scheme, that set that little thought off in my head, and now I can't get rid of it!
Then there's this, I don't know if I believe in god, I do believe there is life after death, in spirits and being able to communicate with people after they die. But, do I believe there is one person up above us controlling everything.... mm not really sure. If there is, then I would like to know why I keep getting all this shit thrown at me? I mean getting cancer is bad enough! But having to say goodbye to the only asset I had to leave my children when I die? Well that stinks! Most kids when they loose parents are left with an inheritance... Mine? Mine get zilch, because there is nothing to leave them no money no jewellery worth anything and pretty soon no house!! That is my deepest regret that I didn't do more to secure their future. If only I hadn't cancelled my mortgage protection, if only I hadn't cancelled my life insurance when things got tough....my life is full of if only s.
I hope in my heart when I go on Tuesday its good news so I can guide Jenna and help her find stability and get her to a stage where she's content before I have to leave this earth. I want to see Logan go to University and graduate because I have no doubt that he is very capable of doing it. Then there's Lee, I only just found him, the guy I have been searching for all my life I want us to spend time together to have some holidays together, celebrate our birthdays together and to grow old together only time will tell if that prayer gets answered, but I hope to god that it does. Anyway bedtime for me. Night all xx
Thursday 2 February 2012
2nd February - Money
Sitting waiting for the nurses to arrive and I opened the post. A letter from Employment Support Allowance, finally some good news. They have paid me and backdated it to the 15th January my leaving date from work... the whopping amount of One hundred and forty-five pounds, its solves all my problems....NOT. But I have to keep my chin up they will be paying me Ninety-Nine pounds a week so its better than nothing, but not a whole lot to live on in the long run. Still no word on Lee's Carer's allowance so we are going to ring and chase that up on Monday. I would love to know how these people do it living on benefits day to day because I am really struggling to make ends meet. So if anyone has any answers please let me know?
When Jane the district nurse arrived I explained that Lee wants to learn how to flush my PICC line. We want to go to Cyprus and visit Lee's mum and dad at their new house in Cyprus. However, at present we can't because my PICC line needs flushing every seven days so if we went just now we could only go for six days to make sure we were home for the flush to be done. When we spoke to the Oncology nurses at the hospital before Christmas they explained that if Lee was to learn how to flush the PICC line we could go away it would just mean us taking supplies to do the flush and Lee doing it. So Jane said it wouldn't be an issue she could let Lee observe her flushing the line today and in the coming weeks she can let him do it and see how he gets on. Lee seemed to pick it up pretty well asking questions etc and to be fair it looks pretty straight forward so hopefully it shouldn't be too difficult for him.
"I'm just going to text Rose let her know I'll be late". It was nearly eleven and I said to Rose I'd be arriving around eleven. But the nurses were late arriving so I'd got sidetracked. I looked through Rose's directions again I was pretty sure I knew where I was going anyway it was near Hemsworth and I knew those directions pretty well.
"Right I'm off have a good day" I gave Lee a hug and a kiss and set off. It was pretty straight forward getting to Rose's house and I arrived just after twelve.
"Hiya"
"Hi did you find it okay?"
"Yep I didn't see the coach park though, but I was just thinking about pulling over to ring you when I saw the sign for Park Farm Gardens so here I am". Jack was at nursery it was a shame I was looking forward to seeing him. I love kids when they're little its when they get argumentative that I go off them... ha ha. Only joking. Isla was lovely sitting in her little chair looking gorgeous and content.
"Would you like a drink?"
"Coffee one and a bit sugars please". It was lovely just to feel normal again, in control of my life and having a girlie chat about everything. Looking at Rose though I felt a pang of jealousy she had a young family, a lovely house, and all her life in front of her. How I wish I could have that back. I still feel in turmoil not knowing whats happening next or what kind of future I have to look forward too. I know I'm back at the hospital on Tuesday and that I'll get my results but I'm dreading them like I told Rose today either the chemo will have worked and they may want me to continue treatment or stop or it won't have worked and I'll get the news there's nothing else they can do... its the waiting that's the hard bit. I simply don't know what future I have. We get our results the day before Lee's birthday which is hard enough but I'm provisionally booked in for more Chemo on Wednesday, Lee's birthday poor bugger spending it sitting at the hospital with me. But we can hope that its good news which will make his birthday a good one too. This weekend I have a feeling is going to be a really, really long one. Lets just hope Tuesday brings a miracle!
When Jane the district nurse arrived I explained that Lee wants to learn how to flush my PICC line. We want to go to Cyprus and visit Lee's mum and dad at their new house in Cyprus. However, at present we can't because my PICC line needs flushing every seven days so if we went just now we could only go for six days to make sure we were home for the flush to be done. When we spoke to the Oncology nurses at the hospital before Christmas they explained that if Lee was to learn how to flush the PICC line we could go away it would just mean us taking supplies to do the flush and Lee doing it. So Jane said it wouldn't be an issue she could let Lee observe her flushing the line today and in the coming weeks she can let him do it and see how he gets on. Lee seemed to pick it up pretty well asking questions etc and to be fair it looks pretty straight forward so hopefully it shouldn't be too difficult for him.
"I'm just going to text Rose let her know I'll be late". It was nearly eleven and I said to Rose I'd be arriving around eleven. But the nurses were late arriving so I'd got sidetracked. I looked through Rose's directions again I was pretty sure I knew where I was going anyway it was near Hemsworth and I knew those directions pretty well.
"Right I'm off have a good day" I gave Lee a hug and a kiss and set off. It was pretty straight forward getting to Rose's house and I arrived just after twelve.
"Hiya"
"Hi did you find it okay?"
"Yep I didn't see the coach park though, but I was just thinking about pulling over to ring you when I saw the sign for Park Farm Gardens so here I am". Jack was at nursery it was a shame I was looking forward to seeing him. I love kids when they're little its when they get argumentative that I go off them... ha ha. Only joking. Isla was lovely sitting in her little chair looking gorgeous and content.
"Would you like a drink?"
"Coffee one and a bit sugars please". It was lovely just to feel normal again, in control of my life and having a girlie chat about everything. Looking at Rose though I felt a pang of jealousy she had a young family, a lovely house, and all her life in front of her. How I wish I could have that back. I still feel in turmoil not knowing whats happening next or what kind of future I have to look forward too. I know I'm back at the hospital on Tuesday and that I'll get my results but I'm dreading them like I told Rose today either the chemo will have worked and they may want me to continue treatment or stop or it won't have worked and I'll get the news there's nothing else they can do... its the waiting that's the hard bit. I simply don't know what future I have. We get our results the day before Lee's birthday which is hard enough but I'm provisionally booked in for more Chemo on Wednesday, Lee's birthday poor bugger spending it sitting at the hospital with me. But we can hope that its good news which will make his birthday a good one too. This weekend I have a feeling is going to be a really, really long one. Lets just hope Tuesday brings a miracle!
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