4th February - If only....

So, yesterday several things happened Julie, my Macmillan nurse called in to see both Lee and I. We haven't seen her since before the wedding when we were both stressed and I still had the syringe driver in.  It was nice to see her whilst I was feeling well for a change and I was looking forward to showing her the wedding photos we had so far.  Sue says the official photos should be done by next week.  Anyway I had a long discussion with Julie about how I was feeling and what had happened since we last saw her.  She asked the ultimate question 
"How do you feel about getting your results on Tuesday?"
"I'm terrified" I replied, and I am. I don't admit to being scared very often I like to put this brave appearance on for everyone, me included. Why? Because putting this brave exterior on gives me that little bit of courage that I need to continue.
"What are you worried about?"
"Well the pains been really bad over the last week or so. My thoughts are if the treatment had worked I wouldn't be experiencing all this pain would I?"
"I can see why you're thinking that way. But, look at it this way, before Christmas you were taking eighty milligrammes of Zomorph and Oramorph liquid for break through pain (these are both morphine for those of you that don't know).  You went from that, to nothing overnight.  Because you were on such a high dose and had been for a while it can take a while to come out of your system.  You substituted the Zomorph and Oramorph with co-codamol which was probably topping up your pain relief. Your pains got worse over the last few weeks, but that could be because the Morphine has now come out of your system. So it feels more intense but might not necessarily be more intense.  I don't know what your results will be on Tuesday but whatever they are we will get you through this".
"Thanks Julie".
"So, what I need to do now is get this pain relief sorted out for you, so you're on twenty milligrammes of Oxycodone?"
"Yes that's right"
"And what about the Oxynorm, how much of that are you having?"
"Honestly?" I smiled at her. "Hardly any, I can't stand the taste. If you've ever had an anaesthetic Julie that taste that you get in the back of your throat as you are going under...  well that's what Oxynorm liquid tastes like, its vile".
"But as my gran used to say if medicine tastes bad it makes you better" Lee interrupted.
"I know, but it makes me gag sorry". I apologised.
"Hey don't be sorry whatever pain medication we put you on, its you that has to take it so it has to work for you.  What I can do is give you the Oxynorm liquid in a tablet form, and immediate release tablet of ten milligrammes, how does that sound?"
"Yes that would be good" I agreed. So the result of that meeting is that I now have forty milligrammes of slow release Oxycodone tablets to take every twelve hours. A ten milligramme Oxynorm tablet immediate release tablet to take for breakthrough pain every four hours if necessary and a further tablet to regulate my bowels because Oxycodone can make you constipated.  So, what else can happen right? Well it turns out one of the side effects of taking Oxycodone is that it makes your skin itch and when I say itch, I feel like I have fleas, so now I have to take an antihistamine tablet as well as the other three, I'm loosing track ha ha. So it looks like the pill dispenser box my mum gave me is going to come in handy.


My cash back from my car insurance policy cleared in my bank account too so Lee and I decided it would be nice to do something with Logan after school.  He's only coming over twice a week and its been ages since we went anywhere and did anything together, last time was our wedding.
"What about the cinema, is there anything good on?" I jumped on the laptop and had a look at what was showing at Wakefield cineworld.
"There's The Chronicle, Man on a ledge, or there's the Liam Neeson film The Grey" at that point the phone rang it was Logan.
"Can one of you two pick me up?"
"Yes"
"Who's coming you or Lee?"
"Can you pick Logan up?"
"Yes tell him on my way and I'll pick him up at the usual place" Lee replied. Lee left and I continued to look at the films advertised on the cineworld website.  The chronicle sounded good and so did The Grey. 
"Logan fancy the cinema and maybe a takeaway?" I asked him.
"Depends whats on" 
"There's a few films that sound good have a look".
"Either The Chronicle or The Grey both sound good".
"Well its your choice" Lee told him. "I want to call at the garden centre for a nosey first though" he smiled. I knew he'd been wanting to go to the garden centre for the last couple of days but we were forever getting sidetracked and hadn't been able to go.
"Right Logan you go get changed and then we'll go to the garden centre first and then to the cinema, okay?"
"Sure I'll go get changed".
We arrived at the garden centre too late it was quarter to five and it was just about to close I actually thought it was open later than five o'clock my mistake.
"Sorry. I thought it was open later, we can always come tomorrow".
"Okay so shall we go to the cinema first?"
"Yep lets go see what times the showings are and make up our mind which film whilst we're there".
When we arrived it was a twenty minute wait for the start of the chronicle and an hour and twenty minute wait for The Grey.
"We could go get something to eat first then come to the cinema?" I suggested.
"Okay, what do you fancy Logan, Nandos, Frankie and Benny's or Pizza hut?"
"Pizza hut" Logan said grinning.
"Good choice!" Lee grinned and they both walked ahead of me towards Pizza Hut.  Logan opted for his usual choice of Double Pepperoni with a stuffed crust on a barbecue base, it was very rare he chose anything different.
"What are you having?" I asked Lee.
"You choose darl" 
"No seriously I'm going to have some salad from the salad bar but I'm not all that hungry so I'll probably just eat two slices of whatever".
"Chicken Supreme would be good then" he smiled.


I ate one slice of pepperoni and two of chicken supreme in the end and a full salad bowl, I was stuffed. We were going to have a dessert there was no way I was going to manage one now though.
"Lee do you still want a dessert?"
"No thanks darl, I've had enough".
"Logan, do you want a dessert?"
"No mum".
"Just popcorn at the cinema then?"
"Sounds good" Lee agreed.
The Grey is a good film, I'm not going to tell you all about it in case some of you decide to go and watch it. The only thing I will say is that its a very weird ending! A good film though, very good film.
We got home just after eight my mum had text to let me know Jenna was stopping over at theirs for the night.  So we got home to a quiet house and just sit and chilled out for the night watching some TV. Lee was first up to bed I wasn't in the slightest bit tired and then he pointed out it was nearly two am.
"God I didn't realise it was that late, I'll finish working on this bit of my blog and then I'll be up".
"Okay darl, night Logan".
Logan was next up to bed and I still wasn't in the slightest bit tired.  Eventually at just after three I headed to bed anyway in the hope that sleep would come.


Lee woke first followed by me and a ten we had to wake Logan up as he said he wanted to be back at his dads before lunch.  Lee still wanted to go to the garden center.
"I've been thinking about that car insurance cash back we got.  Shall we get a new TV?"
"Its your money its up to you, but don't blow it all in one go we might need it."
"I had a look on the internet last night there's some forty inch ones on offer in Currys and we would still have some money left from the cash back we got.  And, at least we wouldn't have to look at people with dirty faces anymore".  Now this may sound crazy but you have to see my TV to believe it. It has a screen burn that looks light a flash of lightening running down the middle of the screen, in turn every single face that shows on my TV looks brown or green or simply just discoloured on one side.
"Well lets go and have a look see what they've got after the garden centre".
"Okay".  I'd taken some advice from Logan with regards to which TV we should get. I should mention I'm a total technophobe when it comes to buying new electrical equipment. I didn't want to risk buying a TV that could end up with a screen burn the same as my current Plasma. So Logan advised me to get an LED one. We were going on a hunt. But first we had to drop Logan off home and then head to the garden centre... although why we're going I'm still not sure.


The problem with the garden centre on denby dale road.... its like a bloody maze once you get in there. They have expanded it that much that I can't find my way round it anymore.  We spent an hour in there having a coffee and a sandwich and then had a walk round. Lee was looking at the prices on Dog Kennels, Bird Houses, Rabbit cages and pretty much anything else made of wood. I didn't understand until he explained to me. 
"I could make these same quality but for quarter of the price. It would give me something to do and a bit of extra cash. All I need to do is put a few adverts up here and there. I could do planters and hanging baskets in the summer as well".  So it looks like Lee has found himself something to do. If you're interested in hanging baskets, wooden planters or an animal home of some kind let me know and I'm sure he can knock you something together.


Next was TV shopping.  We headed for Curry's first. Good old reliable Curry's I always end up there i should have a loyalty card. For instance when I got made redundant in 2009 and I got paid out. I went to currys and bought myself and american style fridge freezer, a washing machine, tumble dryer and a dishwasher all on the same day... they still didn't give me any bloody discount ha ha. So here I am again only this time I'm with Lee and we're buying our first TV together, it feels nice. I did look at the 3D TV's but you know what... why? Why would you want to sit on your settee and have to wear a stupid pair of specs to watch it? I just don't understand... as I said before technophobe... big one... that's me! We found a TV we liked in Curry's a Forty inch Samsung TV, with built in Freeview it had two hundred pounds knocked off the price and well it didn't have a great big brown stain on it from a screen burn, so even better!  They had two in stock so we could take it home today, but we decided to go over and have a look at Comet for prices as well. We had taken two paces into the store before some greasy haired salesman jumped on us...I hate that... I really really hate it. So straight away I went off the idea of getting a TV from them.  He'd shot himself in the foot by pouncing on us straight away and then he made it worse by not answering a simple question.
"Do you have any in stock, if we were to come back for it later on?" Lee asked.
"Well there's the ultimate question I mean whilst we are talking there could be five people on the internet doing a reserve and collect within the next ten minutes. The stock changes so fast".
"I think you misunderstood, if we were to come back within the next hour will you have one in the back for us to pick up?" I asked trying to simplify the question.
"Well as I said we might have five in but in an hour they could have all been reserved and collected so we won't have them anymore", he replied. I knew he was pushing for a sale.
"Well we need to go to the bank because I need to transfer the money out of our savings account but there's no point in coming back here if they don't know if they have stock or not".  Lee smirked and I smiled back.
"Oh, well let me just check the stock as it stands at the minute". he disappeared in the back and came out about five minutes later.
"There's two in the stock room just now".
"Right well we'll go for a coffee and might be back later". I told him as we left.
"So, where now then?" Lee asked as we left.
"Curry's at least there not as pushy and the TV was the same price as well".
"I'm with you on that one".


What we didn't consider when it came to setting up the TV, is that we are both technophobes and have no idea what wire goes where... so it took a while. Then it got complicated as on my old TV there is two scart sockets on my new one, only one. Then, my old TV didn't have an aerial but it still had a picture. When we tried setting up our new TV it insisted we plugged an aerial into the back of the TV from the sky box... but why didn't we need one before?? I just don't get it.  As I said I'm crap with wires and Lee's no better than me. So after a bit of snapping at each other as we both got stressed setting it up, we finally got a picture on it.  We can't get the DVD player to work as that has a scart cable but there is no free socket on the back of the TV to plug it into...I just know we have done something wrong. I just have no idea what. So on Tuesday when Logan comes for tea I have a little job for him. Wiring up my TV so that I can have the DVD and the Sky box both working at the same time ha ha.


Lee's gone to bed I think he's coming down with a cold and I'm sitting here writing this blog and wondering when I'll start to feel tired tonight.  The problem when I'm on my own is I start thinking and at this minute in time these are the thoughts running through my head......... 
If only I had thirty thousand in my bank or forty or fifty....  You see if I did have thirty, forty, or fifty grand I could pay a lump sum off my mortgage, thus reducing the repayments which would enable me to keep my house. It was more paperwork through the post from the solicitors dealing with the mortgage rescue scheme, that set that little thought off in my head, and now I can't get rid of it!
Then there's this,  I don't know if I believe in god, I do believe there is life after death, in spirits and being able to communicate with people after they die.  But, do I believe there is one person up above us controlling everything.... mm not really sure.  If there is, then I would like to know why I keep getting all this shit thrown at me?  I mean getting cancer is bad enough! But having to say goodbye to the only asset I had to leave my children when I die? Well that stinks!   Most kids when they loose parents are left with an inheritance... Mine? Mine get zilch, because there is nothing to leave them no money no jewellery worth anything and pretty soon no house!!  That is my deepest regret that I didn't do more to secure their future. If only I hadn't cancelled my mortgage protection, if only I hadn't cancelled my life insurance when things got tough....my life is full of if only s.
I hope in my heart when I go on Tuesday its good news so I can guide Jenna and help her find stability and get her to a stage where she's content before I have to leave this earth.  I want to see Logan go to University and graduate because I have no doubt that he is very capable of doing it. Then there's Lee, I only just found him, the guy I have been searching for all my life I want us to spend time together to have some holidays together, celebrate our birthdays together and to grow old together only time will tell if that prayer gets answered, but I hope to god that it does.  Anyway bedtime for me. Night all xx