When I committed to myself and doing this blog back in August last year it started out as a coping mechanism. I had been seeing a psychologist up until then once a week it had been recommended by the urologist who had performed my radical Cystectomy as I was his youngest patient, and single he thought it would help and it did. Then for reasons unknown to me she went off work sick and due to staff shortages and cut backs she couldn't be replaced. We had talked about me keeping a diary in my sessions of my thoughts and feelings. It was me who decided to take it one step further and publish these via the Internet to perhaps help other people in my situation. The problem with this is that when things start to go wrong in the family or everything is not all hunky dory I have to write about it, it helps me cope and inevitably I upset someone. As some of you know who read both versions I edited one of my blogs in the past as it upset my father and I felt like a naughty school girl as I was told off for airing our dirty washing in public. However, we had a chat about that and I hope that I got through and they now understand a bit better why I write everything down. My mum got upset when she read my blog CT results and put a statement on face book saying how sorry she was. I tried to explain I'm not looking for apologies or sympathy during any of this process. Neither am I having a dig at anyone for making mistakes I'm simply putting down my thoughts and feelings on the subject and how I perceive it. Undoubtedly not everyone agrees and that is what causes fall outs which is why I am going to such lengths to try and explain before this blog is published. Families all go through ups and downs mine has been through more downs than ups recently some of it is because of my cancer some of it is simply because its life. Logan coped with my cancer by moving out and going to live with his dad and I see him twice a week now but at first I hardly saw him at all because he simply couldn't handle seeing me ill. Jenna copes by going on wild spending sprees beyond her means which inevitably ends in people picking up the pieces. I have put them both forward for counselling, because coping with cancer is bloody difficult no matter what age you are unfortunately due to shortages there is an extremely long wait. They may not get to see someone until I've gone which will be too little to late to sort some problems out. So back to this week, its been eventful.
As you all know from my previous blogs Jenna has been having her money managed by my dad or myself for a number of months. In August last year after my first diagnosis she hit her first spending spree and my dad paid her debt off which was to Wonga (the pay day loan company I could kill). He drew her up a budget plan to pay him back took her bank card off her and gave her spend each week.
The wonga debt was repaid and somehow, I don't think either my dad or I know exactly how she got her bank card back and began doing her own budget again. Then in September she came to me and told me she'd got into yet more trouble again borrowing from Wonga but this time she had ran up some catalogue debts as well. My HSBC pension came through the following month I paid Wonga off for her sat her down drew her up a budget plan for her to stick too where she would have £30 a week to live on and the rest would get paid to her catalogue debts. I took her bank card off her and gave her pocket money again. Then I started my treatment could hardly lift my head off the pillow and generally didn't know what day it was. Things were running smoothly and she seemed to be coping fine we were talking more and I generally thought things were back on track. So when she asked me for her card in December I didn't think twice. I gave her it along with a budget of how much she had to spend and I really didn't envisage what would happen next. When I asked Jenna for her bank card back she said that she was going to manage her budget from now on and I didn't need to take it back off her, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then last month I got the full impact of what had happened when her bank statement came through and it showed she had not paid her catalogues that month and borrowed on five different occasions from Wonga (that company has a lot to answer for) but Jenna should have known better. I had to go down and talk to my dad about it as I didn't know what else to do and he was fuming. He said he couldn't and wouldn't bail her out this time and we agreed that would be a bad idea. Jenna's answer was to borrow more money through work and it seemed she had no option, however the loan got turned down. So, I had to devise a new budget with her where she would have to continue borrowing off Wonga
Six thirty am, I awoke to someone knocking on the front door, (as I've said before its not an easy early morning task unhooking from the night bag when you're half asleep), was it our front door or next door? I waited to hear the noise again, no it was definitely ours. I lent over the bed to try and undo my night bag but the stand toppled over and woke Lee up, just what I was trying not to do.
"Whats that?"
"There's someone at the front door" I hissed. "Sorry I was trying to get out of bed quietly" I apologised.
"Stay there, who on earth is it at this time in the morning?" Lee poked his head out of the window and then drew it back in again. "Its Jenna she's forgotten something for work!" he told me. "I'll go let her in". So he got up out of bed and went downstairs to let her in. I got up to go to the toilet and passed her at the top of the stairs.
"What did you forget?"
"My locker key" she replied.
"Ah right, okay well I'll see you tonight" she looked at me puzzled "Whats up?"
"Did you get my message?"
"What message?"
"The one I sent you on face book last night?"
"I was in bed for ten if it was after that then no" I disappeared into the toilet and then went into our bedroom I get text messages via face book sent to my phone and sure enough it was flashing. So I picked up the phone and read it.
"What the.." Lee had gone back to bed and I had said it out loud.
"Whats up?"
"Jenna sent a message to me on face book last night it was delivered to my phone. It says... Either you let me accept grandads offer of a loan or I'm moving out!" I got back out of bed and went through into her room.
"I got your message"
"And?"
"I just need to be clear on this Jenna. You are blackmailing me, your own mum and saying I either I let you accept your grandads offer of a loan or you're moving out. Have I got that right?"
"Yes" Lee appeared in the doorway at that point.
"Your mum already told you how she felt and that she didn't want grandad paying off your debt for you again"
"I know but I want him too" she replied.
"Well in answer to your question Jenna no I won't accept it so it looks like you're moving out". I turned and went back to bed. To say I was fuming but would be a huge understatement. It was bad enough that it had all appeared to have been agreed behind my back. But for Jenna to send me a message like that on face book... I was disgusted. It showed me how little my daughter respected me and it hurt like hell that she could send me a message like that!
When I woke later that morning I rang my dad up, I think he had been expecting my call. We had a discussion over the telephone but it was obvious that my parents believed they were doing the right thing. There was nothing I could have said or done to change their minds. So I said that Jenna had to move in with them if they wanted to try and sort her out then they had to take over everything. My mum and dad have had a lot of stuff to put up with over the years what with my illness and coping with Jenna's behaviour. I love them for being there and being so supportive. Sometimes they don't do it in the way I want them too but at least I know they care.
"You okay?" Lee asked as I put the phone down.
"No. No one is going to change their minds now. So it looks like we have a job to do, packing Jenna's gear up. She will be here to get it either Tuesday or Wednesday".
"Why don't we go out this afternoon, to the cinema and for something to eat?" Lee suggested.
"That sounds good to me there's that comedy on with Adam Sandler shall we go see that? He's normally really funny?"
"Sounds good to me" Lee gave me a hug. "It'll be alright you know"
"I know. I just wish they had spoken to me before they made their decision".
"Do you want a drink or anything?" I asked Lee as we stood in the popcorn queue at the cinema.
"I'm not bothered about a drink what are you getting?"
"I'm gonna get a small bag of sweet popcorn and a bottle of water."
"Okay well I'll just have some of these" he picked up a bag of jelly worms and handed them to me and I laughed. "You big kid". We were just in time for the start of the film and managed to miss all the adverts a first for me. Adam Sandler plays twins in it, a sister and brother, he scrubs up quite well as a woman. He's an ugly woman, but he'd pass for one. The film was funny and just what I needed to cheer me up. We had planned to go for something to eat after the cinema and Lee had never been to Nandos before. I've only been the once.
"What is Nandos exactly?"
"Its chicken, different spices on chicken and up to you which one you choose" I told him. "The mildest is a lemon and herb spice and then there's different levels of heat til you get to the Peri Peri chicken. Its up to you which you go for. Or we can go to Frankie and Benny's or Pizza hut. Up to you".
"I've never tried Nandos before so lets go with that one"
"Okay".
So Lee had a Mediterranean salad with a chicken breast done medium hot and I had a chicken fillet in a wrap done with the lemon and herb dressing with chilli jam and pineapple and salad in it. It was lovely I also ordered a side portion of chips although I wish I hadn't. I have discovered KFC chips and Nandos chips are the same, both horrid!! I sat there wishing I'd just got the wrap on its own as it was really filling. Even though my day started pretty rough it had ended quite well.
Sue came over to see me recently, my neighbour and friend. Her sister died of bowel cancer earlier this year. She had spoken to her niece and her words were "Auntie Sue if only I knew what I knew now and I could turn the clock back I was a complete cow to my mum whilst she was here".
I live in hope that one day before I am gone Jenna and I get our closeness back and she realises I won't be here forever. I love my daughter so much I just want to see her back on the right track and settled before I'm gone.
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