I woke up Friday with a smile on my face thinking about Lee. I'd spoken to him at midnight yesterday... 2am his time just as he finished work. Luke was with him and came on the phone for a chat along with Stefan. They all wished me well and it was such a lovely feeling knowing they were all rooting for me....
I had gotten to work on my Bucket List the previous night ...and began asking for ideas via facebook as I couldn't think of any... although my first one was jumping out of a plane which I have people working on as we speak!!
"So what else would you have loved to do??" Lee asked me as I told him about my bucket list ideas posted to my wall and the few I had come up with.
"Honestly?"
"Yes" Lee said on the other end.
"Get married... I would love to be married before I die" I told him. He went quiet...
"How do you do that?" He asked me.
"Do what?" I laughed.
"Read peoples minds"
"I don't" I laughed.
"You do ... I was going to ask you that at Christmas in front of all your family..."
"Ask me what?"
"To marry me..."
"Pardon.?"
"Loraine... will you marry me?" my turn to go quiet.
"Are you joking?"
"Loraine will you marry me?"
"Really"
"Really will you marry me/"
"Yes, yes yes" I laughed excitedly. Lee laughed too.
"Right whats your mum and dads number I'm doing this properly"
"Doing what properly?"
"Asking your dad for permission" he told me.
"Not sure how that will go" I laughed.
"Well watch this space I'll ring him later... anyway I best go we've got a few gardening jobs today"
"Okay Mr Mcevoy talk to you later"
"You certainly will Mrs Mcevoy!" Ooh that sounds so nice. I was gonna go back to sleep it was only 4am now but I couldn't I was too excited. Shower, dressed and phone calls I told myself.. concentrate.
My phone calls although they were all good news shattered my mood slightly..... last year when I went through my operation for my first lot of cancer I only got half pay from work due to the time I'd worked there. As a result I got into arrears with my mortgage and every benefit i applied for i got turned down for too. Had I not have been so stressed about money maybe just maybe my cancer wouldn't have come back.
I spoke with Jane a really nice woman at Wakefield council who told me about mortgage rescue
a scheme designed to help those that can't work due to sickness and are in arrears. They purchase your home at 90% of the valuation and then rent it back to you.
The other option was breathing space which is an interest free loan over three years which they would award and then use to pay off arrears on my mortgage and any future mortgage payments for the duration of the loan and then at the end of three years you need to pay it back in full.
"Mm doubt I'll be here in three years so that's not a good one to go for " I sighed.
"Okay well either way I'm sure we can help with the mortgage any arrears and any other debts you have. Why don't you come down and see us at the springs in Wakefield and we can go through everything together?" she suggested.
"Sounds like a good plan. What happens if i go for the mortgage rescue but the the 90% valuation doesn't cover my costs cos you value it lower... will there be a fee?"
"No you pay nothing at all Loraine "
"Wow, okay I want to look at that further then"
"That's fine I will ring my colleague Geraldine to see if she's available Tuesday and then we can make an appointment, is that okay and I'll ring you back?"
"Yep that's brilliant thanks so much".
That afternoon the phone rang it was my dad from his mobile... he never uses it....
"Did you know that Lee was going to ring me?"
"I had a feeling he might be..." I replied coyly.
"How do you feel?" he asked me.
"Extremely happy haven't been able to stop smiling" I told him.
"Well that's the main thing then. Glad you are happy"
"Thanks for being nice dad"
"As long as it makes you happy its fine with me" he replied. Then the house phone rang just as my dad disconnected from my mobile.
"Hello Mrs Mcevoy" I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Hello Mr Mcevoy... we're getting married" I screeched.
"I know and I can't wait... how about January?"
"I will still be having treatment I might not have any hair...."
"It doesn't matter.. I want to marry you not your hair".
"Okay January then. Can't wait."
"Me neither..." I smiled and I just knew that Lee was smiling too. "Things are looking up its amazing all the benefits you can get when you mention the T word" I told him.
"Really?"
"yep really i even get a refund on road tax how cool is that" I laughed. "I'd give it all back though if i could have ten years with you"
"you will have ten years... positive thinking remember?"
"yes I know right I'm gonna go and post on facebook I'm getting married I've been bursting since you asked me to tell and now i can".
The phone calls just kept on coming once the post went on.... my friends and family were either texting ringing or popping up on facebook, I didn't get one single negative comment they were all pleased as punch for me.
I started looking at wedding venues after all my phonecalls to enquire about benefits were over. But they were really expensive... I'll find somewhere though ... cheap but not cheap and nasty! I wanted it all to be perfect.... if only I had some money....
Ping... it was like a lightbulb had switched on when I remembered the conversation I'd had with Lisa from my HR department.
"Well you have paid into the pension for the last two years so I have requested the figures for you. Because you could perhaps even look at ill health retriement".
"Really?"
"Yes it could perhaps give you a small pension each month or a lump sum payment..."
Thinking back to that conversation... HSBC... I had worked there for 12 years before being made redundant my pension was frozen... (I don't mean its in the freezer) perhaps I could get a lump sum from them or take my pension. I began ransacking the house for paperwork and eventually I found a phone number and gave it a ring.
"Sorry to hear that Miss Mooney" the operator empathised with me. "I can send you out the paperwork first class and we due to the situation i can't see it being a major issue.
"Okay thanks".
"I'll get it through as quick as I can you just fill out the paperwork and send it back then we can look into the rest".
"Thanks" I put the phone down a lot happier this meant I could spend the money on our wedding.... ooh this was gonna be great!
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Thursday 1st September.... Morphine where have you been??
On Thursday morning I woke up a bit sore on my left side again. I contemplated taking the morphine the hospital had given me but decided probably not a good idea to drive on it and looked at it and then put it back.
Lorna has arranged for me to go to hers for lunch with mum and meet up with Anne (we've known Anne for years. Lorna used to babysit for her about 28 years ago and looked after all four of her kids at one time or another). Anne has terminal cancer too. She had breast cancer first and had a mastectomy about three years ago i think and now its back and unfortunately its in her bones and again she is uncureable.
I walked in dreading seeing her in all honesty but I was pleasantly surprised at what I found when I got there. Anne was still full of life still bubbly still happy... she hadn't changed at all. At the minute her hair has thinned but she has no hair loss and doesn't need a wig. We started chatting straight away and I asked what treatment she was having.
"Just now I'm having tablets/ But I've had the infusions before Loraine so any questions fire away". The question and answer session took a while let me tell you lol.
Anne gave me a list of phone numbers for various different offices to help wtih claiming benefits.
"I'm not holding my breath Anne," I told her. "They turned me down for everything last year".
"I know love but you will find this time they are much different" she explaiined to me......
"Can I? Really" I asked her... Anne had just been telling me about how i could claim a refund on my road tax and get a tax disc to say I was exempt.....
Its amazing how much you can learn by listening to other people that have been through the treatment. It gives you and expectaton of what to expect. Anne asked about my morphine and if i was keeping up to the medicated dose. I explained i'd been hit and miss with it as i didn't know if i could drive on it. She told me driving was fine however drinkiing was a no no.
"oh right," my face fell.
"Seriously no drink but if you take it regularly trust me you won't need any", she laughed. "Make your phonecalls for your benefits asap because they will back date them to the day they received your call".
"Right I will go home and do it now then" I told her. "I'm not missing out on money " lol.
By teatime I was in heaven...... Morphine.... oh... where have you been all my life... this nice floaty feeling no pain whatsoever... its better than whacky baccy or getting pissed.
I spent the rest of the evening on a little cloud courtesy of morphine... talk about a buzz lol.
I rang my friend claire who couldn't understand a word i was saying i was that spaced out lol... so courtesy of morphine again I had the best night sleep ever!!
Lorna has arranged for me to go to hers for lunch with mum and meet up with Anne (we've known Anne for years. Lorna used to babysit for her about 28 years ago and looked after all four of her kids at one time or another). Anne has terminal cancer too. She had breast cancer first and had a mastectomy about three years ago i think and now its back and unfortunately its in her bones and again she is uncureable.
I walked in dreading seeing her in all honesty but I was pleasantly surprised at what I found when I got there. Anne was still full of life still bubbly still happy... she hadn't changed at all. At the minute her hair has thinned but she has no hair loss and doesn't need a wig. We started chatting straight away and I asked what treatment she was having.
"Just now I'm having tablets/ But I've had the infusions before Loraine so any questions fire away". The question and answer session took a while let me tell you lol.
Anne gave me a list of phone numbers for various different offices to help wtih claiming benefits.
"I'm not holding my breath Anne," I told her. "They turned me down for everything last year".
"I know love but you will find this time they are much different" she explaiined to me......
"Can I? Really" I asked her... Anne had just been telling me about how i could claim a refund on my road tax and get a tax disc to say I was exempt.....
Its amazing how much you can learn by listening to other people that have been through the treatment. It gives you and expectaton of what to expect. Anne asked about my morphine and if i was keeping up to the medicated dose. I explained i'd been hit and miss with it as i didn't know if i could drive on it. She told me driving was fine however drinkiing was a no no.
"oh right," my face fell.
"Seriously no drink but if you take it regularly trust me you won't need any", she laughed. "Make your phonecalls for your benefits asap because they will back date them to the day they received your call".
"Right I will go home and do it now then" I told her. "I'm not missing out on money " lol.
By teatime I was in heaven...... Morphine.... oh... where have you been all my life... this nice floaty feeling no pain whatsoever... its better than whacky baccy or getting pissed.
I spent the rest of the evening on a little cloud courtesy of morphine... talk about a buzz lol.
I rang my friend claire who couldn't understand a word i was saying i was that spaced out lol... so courtesy of morphine again I had the best night sleep ever!!
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Wes's visit 31.08.2011
Wednesday. Quite a good day today.
Spoke to Missy moo first thing, who cheered me up no end and I'm starting on my Bucket list... First things first jumping out of a plane... parachute, sky dive whatever I wanna jump out of a plane. But, someone said, what happens if it goes wrong... well i hit the ground die instantly and save myself some pain and discomfort at least I'll go out with a bang!!! Lol.
Discussion with Missy Moo re jon beesley (her friend the undertaker who's barbecue I went to not long ago) "Jon says anytime you want a discussion re funerals etc he'll be there to give you advice..." now don't think she's being morbid or anything I did ask her to speak to Jon..... "he says he's your friend and he'll help in any way he can" she told me. ...
"Oooh I can so feel a fifty percent discount coming on!!!"
Spoke to Lee who in turn let me talk to Luke his friend who I met whilst I was out in Cyprus. "I'm so sorry to hear your news" He told me.
"So how do you feel about paragliding?" I asked him, he started laughing... "You're nuts" he laughed...
"I know I've made friends with an undertaker in the hope I can get fifty percent off" I joked.
"You are one mad lady..." he told me.
"Nah just organised... look after Lee for me yeh"
"Course I will, promise" he told me.
Lee came back on the phone asked about my plans I explained Wes was coming up to see me my friend for work and I was gonna get him to help me create my blog cos I had no idea what to do. I asked about JB. JB is Lee's kitten approximately 12 weeks and it thinks I'm his mum... as I found out when I woke up to him trying to breast feed from my boob!!! Surprising to say the least lol.
"Well I think JB is a girl" Lee told me.
"Why?"
"Well he is either a she or he is gay cos I got home to Loui giving him one!" Lee laughed. Sooo... he is now a she but Lee keeps calling the she a he cos he keeps forgetting. Hope you follow that one lol.
So Wes my mate from work turns up and we have a chin wag and sort out this blog page (which takes a while cos neither one of us seems to know what we're doing lol...) then I decide wine is needed so Wes takes me to the co op and we go shopping. At which point Wes decides to get a scratch card and I decide thats not such a bad idea cos I must surely be due a lottery win.... We agree to share the profits of any win and get into the car to scratch our cards and Wes lends me a penny. We drop £3 and get three more tickets a £2 one and a £1 one. Wes trundles back to the co op and comes back and we win another two pound so at this point i get out the car and follow him back into the co op. We buy two more tickets and win another £4 so we pocket a pound each buy another two tickets and drop £10. Happy at being a fiver up each we go back to the car.
From now on every visit from wes we're buying scratchcards cos I am still due that lottery win!!!
Spoke to Missy moo first thing, who cheered me up no end and I'm starting on my Bucket list... First things first jumping out of a plane... parachute, sky dive whatever I wanna jump out of a plane. But, someone said, what happens if it goes wrong... well i hit the ground die instantly and save myself some pain and discomfort at least I'll go out with a bang!!! Lol.
Discussion with Missy Moo re jon beesley (her friend the undertaker who's barbecue I went to not long ago) "Jon says anytime you want a discussion re funerals etc he'll be there to give you advice..." now don't think she's being morbid or anything I did ask her to speak to Jon..... "he says he's your friend and he'll help in any way he can" she told me. ...
"Oooh I can so feel a fifty percent discount coming on!!!"
Spoke to Lee who in turn let me talk to Luke his friend who I met whilst I was out in Cyprus. "I'm so sorry to hear your news" He told me.
"So how do you feel about paragliding?" I asked him, he started laughing... "You're nuts" he laughed...
"I know I've made friends with an undertaker in the hope I can get fifty percent off" I joked.
"You are one mad lady..." he told me.
"Nah just organised... look after Lee for me yeh"
"Course I will, promise" he told me.
Lee came back on the phone asked about my plans I explained Wes was coming up to see me my friend for work and I was gonna get him to help me create my blog cos I had no idea what to do. I asked about JB. JB is Lee's kitten approximately 12 weeks and it thinks I'm his mum... as I found out when I woke up to him trying to breast feed from my boob!!! Surprising to say the least lol.
"Well I think JB is a girl" Lee told me.
"Why?"
"Well he is either a she or he is gay cos I got home to Loui giving him one!" Lee laughed. Sooo... he is now a she but Lee keeps calling the she a he cos he keeps forgetting. Hope you follow that one lol.
So Wes my mate from work turns up and we have a chin wag and sort out this blog page (which takes a while cos neither one of us seems to know what we're doing lol...) then I decide wine is needed so Wes takes me to the co op and we go shopping. At which point Wes decides to get a scratch card and I decide thats not such a bad idea cos I must surely be due a lottery win.... We agree to share the profits of any win and get into the car to scratch our cards and Wes lends me a penny. We drop £3 and get three more tickets a £2 one and a £1 one. Wes trundles back to the co op and comes back and we win another two pound so at this point i get out the car and follow him back into the co op. We buy two more tickets and win another £4 so we pocket a pound each buy another two tickets and drop £10. Happy at being a fiver up each we go back to the car.
From now on every visit from wes we're buying scratchcards cos I am still due that lottery win!!!
D-Day 30th August 2011.
Missy Moo as I call her actual name Sue Copeman turned up at mine at 8am on Tuesday 30th August to take me to St James Hospital. I was scared shitless, jittery, couldn't eat and it took me ages to actually get bloody dressed let alone do anything else. We were on the road by nine heading to St James's it was relatively straight forward traffic wise and we arrived at 9.30 parked up and walked into the Bexley Wing and headed up the stairs to suite 2 to see Mr Chester the oncologist.
Sue leant me her i phone so i could play pairs to try and keep my mind from wandering cos by ten am I was a jittery mess. They took me to be weighed and have my height checked then i went back to sit down....
By eleven I was still waiting to be seen.... Sue went to ask how much longer and explained we were both thirsty and starving.. (no drinks machine even in the waiting area... something I am going to campaign to change when i start treatment... lol). "Come on you're next but she says we have time to go downstairs and get coffee...." so we trundled downstairs to Costa and queued for what seemed like eternity.... I bloody hate queues... Just saying!!
We trundled back upstairs and sat again for what seemed like another hour actually it was forty minutes and then a woman looking about 22 came out to get us and introduced herself as Fiona Collinson...( um I think that was her name lost my bit of paper already) I am so shit with loosing stuff just now!!
She asked about everything that had happened so far asked about my home life and who lived with me I explained I was on my own with two kids and I was worried about the financial aspect of having time off work as I already had huge mortgage arrears....
"Well we can get in touch with macmillan and get them involved in helping you with regards to benefits etc etc. Is there anything else thats concerns you at the moment?"
"Yes my kids they're not handling this too well so I want them to have help, counselling etc they didn't get any last time..." I explained.
"Okay and have you had any pain, nausea anything like that?"
"I'm not sleeping.... haven't for ages I got some sleeping tablets.. they're crap I told her. And this pain in my arm is getting really bad ..."
"What sort of pain?"
"Its like toothache I can barely drive with it sometimes i can't even change gear or use the handbrake it gets that bad"
"Well that can happen your pain can radiate.... so we can give you morphine to help with the pain..."
"Okay
"Right so with regards to chemotherapy I can go through bits of it with you today and then you can come back for the rest its up to you as to how much you want to know"
"Everything tell me the lot and I will come back and ask more before treatment"
"Okay. So as you know we were going to discuss with the surgical team the possibility of surgery and chemotherapy and whether or not that was an option..."
"Yes" I nodded.
"They had a meeting about you last week and unfortunately due to the cancer being in the tissues around the bowel surgery isn't an option..."
"Okay"
"And what I have to tell you that is although we can give you chemotherapy... its not going to be a cure..." I stared at her... finally dumbstruck and I swear my stomach hit the floor.
"And if I decided no chemotherapy... what would be the result of that and how long would I have?"
"Its hard to say...."
"Worst case scenario give me an average..." I told her.
"Three to six months" she answered I think at that point I went pale swallowed hard and prepared for my next question...."And with it? If I have chemotherapy... how long?"
"Two maybe three years"
"So, I won't see forty five?"
"Its doubtful... "
I cried and Sue cried as I digested that little titbit of news. Not what I wanted to hear.... I looked at Sue... "Bang goes my emigrating plans to cyprus then..." Sue looked at me and the consultant looked puzzled.
"Loraine met a fella in Cyprus, he's english back in april she was hoping to move out there in April next year.." Sue explained.
"Well your first cycle of treatment will be approximately four and a half months if you go ahead...."
"So I could go back for a holiday then?"
"I don't see why not after your treatment you will probably need a holiday... but with regards to getting your treatment out there..., I doubt that will be possible..."
"How am I gonna tell the kids...., how am i gonna tell lee?"
"We just have too..." Sue held my hand and squeezed it.
"Okay... best get on with it then eh?"
"The nurse will go through as much as you want to know now book treatment etc for you if you decide to go ahead but I want to see you again in two weeks so we can have another chat, okay?"
"I nodded"
"Its a lot to take in and we can go as slowly as you want..."
"I don't want to be poorly for my birthday... my fortieth was crap I was in hospital ill and felt like crap I want this year to have a good birthday... So can we delay treatment til after that..."
"If thats what you want.. then yes we can... at the moment the cancer is contained so we're not overly worried about starting treatment immediately but I do want you to have a bone scan make sure the pain in your arm isn't anything in your bones."
"Fine... and can I move treatment to pinderfields or dewsbury, nearer home?"
"No it has to be here I'm afraid the chemotherapy you're having isn't available at pinderfields or dewsbury. We can arrange transport for you if its an issue..."
"Okay."
We finally left St James's at oneish o'clock and I made the dreaded phonecall to lee. He took it quite well ... or I thought he did. Then I heard the cracks in his voice and realised that it had come as a massive shock to him as well.
Next stop was mum and dads and telling Jenna, my sister and Logan. I summoned rae (my ex husband) to my mums and asked him to bring logan.
I think my mum and dad knew before I spoke in all honesty.. my dad just looked at my face and said "I take it its bad news then..." I nodded.
That day I can honestly say was the worst of my life... but I can honestly say it has to get better.....
Sue leant me her i phone so i could play pairs to try and keep my mind from wandering cos by ten am I was a jittery mess. They took me to be weighed and have my height checked then i went back to sit down....
By eleven I was still waiting to be seen.... Sue went to ask how much longer and explained we were both thirsty and starving.. (no drinks machine even in the waiting area... something I am going to campaign to change when i start treatment... lol). "Come on you're next but she says we have time to go downstairs and get coffee...." so we trundled downstairs to Costa and queued for what seemed like eternity.... I bloody hate queues... Just saying!!
We trundled back upstairs and sat again for what seemed like another hour actually it was forty minutes and then a woman looking about 22 came out to get us and introduced herself as Fiona Collinson...( um I think that was her name lost my bit of paper already) I am so shit with loosing stuff just now!!
She asked about everything that had happened so far asked about my home life and who lived with me I explained I was on my own with two kids and I was worried about the financial aspect of having time off work as I already had huge mortgage arrears....
"Well we can get in touch with macmillan and get them involved in helping you with regards to benefits etc etc. Is there anything else thats concerns you at the moment?"
"Yes my kids they're not handling this too well so I want them to have help, counselling etc they didn't get any last time..." I explained.
"Okay and have you had any pain, nausea anything like that?"
"I'm not sleeping.... haven't for ages I got some sleeping tablets.. they're crap I told her. And this pain in my arm is getting really bad ..."
"What sort of pain?"
"Its like toothache I can barely drive with it sometimes i can't even change gear or use the handbrake it gets that bad"
"Well that can happen your pain can radiate.... so we can give you morphine to help with the pain..."
"Okay
"Right so with regards to chemotherapy I can go through bits of it with you today and then you can come back for the rest its up to you as to how much you want to know"
"Everything tell me the lot and I will come back and ask more before treatment"
"Okay. So as you know we were going to discuss with the surgical team the possibility of surgery and chemotherapy and whether or not that was an option..."
"Yes" I nodded.
"They had a meeting about you last week and unfortunately due to the cancer being in the tissues around the bowel surgery isn't an option..."
"Okay"
"And what I have to tell you that is although we can give you chemotherapy... its not going to be a cure..." I stared at her... finally dumbstruck and I swear my stomach hit the floor.
"And if I decided no chemotherapy... what would be the result of that and how long would I have?"
"Its hard to say...."
"Worst case scenario give me an average..." I told her.
"Three to six months" she answered I think at that point I went pale swallowed hard and prepared for my next question...."And with it? If I have chemotherapy... how long?"
"Two maybe three years"
"So, I won't see forty five?"
"Its doubtful... "
I cried and Sue cried as I digested that little titbit of news. Not what I wanted to hear.... I looked at Sue... "Bang goes my emigrating plans to cyprus then..." Sue looked at me and the consultant looked puzzled.
"Loraine met a fella in Cyprus, he's english back in april she was hoping to move out there in April next year.." Sue explained.
"Well your first cycle of treatment will be approximately four and a half months if you go ahead...."
"So I could go back for a holiday then?"
"I don't see why not after your treatment you will probably need a holiday... but with regards to getting your treatment out there..., I doubt that will be possible..."
"How am I gonna tell the kids...., how am i gonna tell lee?"
"We just have too..." Sue held my hand and squeezed it.
"Okay... best get on with it then eh?"
"The nurse will go through as much as you want to know now book treatment etc for you if you decide to go ahead but I want to see you again in two weeks so we can have another chat, okay?"
"I nodded"
"Its a lot to take in and we can go as slowly as you want..."
"I don't want to be poorly for my birthday... my fortieth was crap I was in hospital ill and felt like crap I want this year to have a good birthday... So can we delay treatment til after that..."
"If thats what you want.. then yes we can... at the moment the cancer is contained so we're not overly worried about starting treatment immediately but I do want you to have a bone scan make sure the pain in your arm isn't anything in your bones."
"Fine... and can I move treatment to pinderfields or dewsbury, nearer home?"
"No it has to be here I'm afraid the chemotherapy you're having isn't available at pinderfields or dewsbury. We can arrange transport for you if its an issue..."
"Okay."
We finally left St James's at oneish o'clock and I made the dreaded phonecall to lee. He took it quite well ... or I thought he did. Then I heard the cracks in his voice and realised that it had come as a massive shock to him as well.
Next stop was mum and dads and telling Jenna, my sister and Logan. I summoned rae (my ex husband) to my mums and asked him to bring logan.
I think my mum and dad knew before I spoke in all honesty.. my dad just looked at my face and said "I take it its bad news then..." I nodded.
That day I can honestly say was the worst of my life... but I can honestly say it has to get better.....
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
The story so far......
I am Loraine Mooney.... where do i start?
On 19th August 2010 I went into hospital for a routine operation...(well ... when I say routine.... I had been waiting for the op for about four months... delayed due to appendicitis in June and my partner at the time leaving to be with another woman.... less said the better about that particular tool!!) was under anesthetic for twenty minutes only to be woken up and told I had an extremely larger tumour in my bladder more likely to be cancerous than not cancerous and as a result the operation had been cancelled.... bombshell or what?? To add insult to injury I was sent home the day after with a catheter bag strapped to my leg... not exactly the best look for any woman who wanted to be out on the pull to forget about the plank and his bimbo lol. After a series of blocked pipes, which let me tell you was bloody agony. I was released from the catheter a week later in clinic only to be told my bladder had to be removed..... My reaction
"What do you mean you're gonna take my bladder out... how do i pee?" Followed by...
"No... you can't give me a bag I've been loosing weight to get in a bikini this year..." Anyway, I was sent away and told i would need another ct scan and the oncology team would see me.. that was it... no support ... no sod all really....
So for the whole weekend.... I got trollied... and when I say trollied I mean totally and utterly wasted for a whole weekend.... on the 9th of september I went for my ct scan ... by sunday the 12th I was rushed in by ambulance really really ill...the cancer had moved into my bowel and caused a hole... the doctors came did a lot of whispering and I was told I had a 30% survival rate and it would take three teams of doctors to sort me out!! Not the best news in the world but I guess those are the breaks.
Surgery was finally scheduled for 28th september after three weeks in hospital a team of six surgeons and a whole operating theatre.. At 8.30am I went down for surgery and was fitted with an epidural for pain relief after the operation and it was 8pm before I finally made my way up to HDU... I don't remember much of that day apart from being in lots of pain and in and out of sleep. After another twenty four hours of agony and trying to resite the epidural twice I was given morphine... 24 hours later that had to be stopped due to an uncontrable itching.... and eventually i was given tramadol and codine...I got to grips with the bag over the next week and on my 40th Birthday I was allowed day release for my birthday the most exciting part of which was lying on my mums sofa with a glass of champagne watching x factor live lol not exactly the 40th birthday I had in mind. I was supposed to be in New York with Dave... On the 15th October 6 weeks after being taken in .... I was finally released from hospital into the care of the stoma nurses and the district nurses.... and life continued....
and i coped... I had good days and bad days... my first ct scan was my biggest hurdle I remember being shit scared as i waited for my results... but I passed with flying colours no more cancer.....My second one april.... again I passed with flying colours... no more cancer. I returned to work in February and in April me and my neighbour Sue booked a holiday to Cyprus... I was ecstatic... my first holiday without children or partners I couldn't wait.... and on the 27th April we jetted off to Protaras, Cyprus!!
It was bliss...... sun sea and sand absolutely fantastic... the first night I drank a bottle of wine and fell under a table... not cos I was drunk because my leg had a funny turn again... it had been doing this since surgery I took it a bit more careful after that I can tell you. On the 29th the evening of William and Kates wedding... I met Lee. Traditionally we had developed a routine beach during the day followed by a stroll from one end of the strip to the other. This particular night we started at the opposite end and came across Rives bar. There he was stood at the door..."Evening ladies" he grinned and something about his eyes just had me hooked then and there. He bought me a drink we talked and danced and I suddenly realised that maybe the attraction was mutual.... Lee Mcevoy from Grimsby aged 45 and in my eyes the best thing since sliced bread lol. I saw Lee every night after that and on my last night I went to the bar alone and we talked and talked and talked and he told me I had to come back and see him.... Holiday romance.. you may say those of you who know me ... know different. I returned to the UK and we continued to talk via internet and phone and text messages. However my leg had got worse and I was referred for a ct scan of my spine which flagged yet another issue... one of the discs in my back was resting against a nerve... I needed to be referred to Neuro surgery at the LGI in leeds for a further operation.... crap news. I left the hospital rung Lee and bawled my eyes out. As usual Lee was reassuring told me it would be okay and told me I had to go back over and see him.
You know what on the 8th June I bloody did it I landed at Larnaca airport on my own with one of Lee's mates picking me up... crapping myself I was... in a strange country meeting a guy I hardly new... but the minute I laid eyes on him I knew I'd made the right decision. Being in |Cyprus felt like being home.
It was five short days but they were the most fantastic ones I'd had. I was in love and it felt fantastic. I left and arranged to go back in October with the kids.....
Then I found cheaper flights for August Jenna couldn't make it due to her job but logan could we could go for ten days flying out on the 16th and coming home on the 26th so I booked it and waited.
Another Ct scan in July and it went without a hitch... I wasn't worried... I felt great.
On the 9th August the day before my results i got a feeling... i was worried sick and in constant touch with Lee panicky and dreading my hospital visit on the 10th.
Missy moo sue my other mate was coming with me for the results cos i was too scared to go on my own.... gut instinct .... funny feeling... whatever it was I had it.... and unfortunately I was right.
"There's a 3cm tumour around your bowel we're referring you to st james's its either gonna be chemotherapy and surgery or just chemotherapy". I was devestated... chemo means no hair.... "We should be able to get you to see them next week..."
"No you can't I'm in cyprus from tuesday for ten days it needs to be after that...." I practically yelled at them.
"Okay thats fine a holiday is probably what you need before your treatment" I left the hospital in tears again.
I'd nearly made a year and the cancer was back. I rang lee... he was gutted. "God i feel like such a tool I said it would be fine... I'm so sorry..." I cried and I think he cried too. But I had to get it out of my head a holiday in cyprus was just what I needed....
Cyprus with Logan was fantastic, don't get me wrong I was disappointed at first no sign of Lee at the airport flat was a bit untidy but he'd been working hard, he probably didn't have the time.
I got to the bar with Logan, fell into lees arms and gave him the biggest kiss ever, it was so great to be back. His smile said it all he was happy to see me.
Ten days went really quickly the only time Lee had off was the weekend and the Tuesday and Wednesday day time prior to us leaving... every night he was at the bar working. But the days we had together however short were very special. I got a letter from st James's whilst I was in cyprus with Lee it was for tuesday 30th august at 10am. I was crapping myself, Lee kept reassuring me up until i left. My last night was my hardest night there. I cried buckets even on Marios (Lee's boss) no one could understand why I was so weepy ... but why would they? They didn't know what I was going home too.
On 19th August 2010 I went into hospital for a routine operation...(well ... when I say routine.... I had been waiting for the op for about four months... delayed due to appendicitis in June and my partner at the time leaving to be with another woman.... less said the better about that particular tool!!) was under anesthetic for twenty minutes only to be woken up and told I had an extremely larger tumour in my bladder more likely to be cancerous than not cancerous and as a result the operation had been cancelled.... bombshell or what?? To add insult to injury I was sent home the day after with a catheter bag strapped to my leg... not exactly the best look for any woman who wanted to be out on the pull to forget about the plank and his bimbo lol. After a series of blocked pipes, which let me tell you was bloody agony. I was released from the catheter a week later in clinic only to be told my bladder had to be removed..... My reaction
"What do you mean you're gonna take my bladder out... how do i pee?" Followed by...
"No... you can't give me a bag I've been loosing weight to get in a bikini this year..." Anyway, I was sent away and told i would need another ct scan and the oncology team would see me.. that was it... no support ... no sod all really....
So for the whole weekend.... I got trollied... and when I say trollied I mean totally and utterly wasted for a whole weekend.... on the 9th of september I went for my ct scan ... by sunday the 12th I was rushed in by ambulance really really ill...the cancer had moved into my bowel and caused a hole... the doctors came did a lot of whispering and I was told I had a 30% survival rate and it would take three teams of doctors to sort me out!! Not the best news in the world but I guess those are the breaks.
Surgery was finally scheduled for 28th september after three weeks in hospital a team of six surgeons and a whole operating theatre.. At 8.30am I went down for surgery and was fitted with an epidural for pain relief after the operation and it was 8pm before I finally made my way up to HDU... I don't remember much of that day apart from being in lots of pain and in and out of sleep. After another twenty four hours of agony and trying to resite the epidural twice I was given morphine... 24 hours later that had to be stopped due to an uncontrable itching.... and eventually i was given tramadol and codine...I got to grips with the bag over the next week and on my 40th Birthday I was allowed day release for my birthday the most exciting part of which was lying on my mums sofa with a glass of champagne watching x factor live lol not exactly the 40th birthday I had in mind. I was supposed to be in New York with Dave... On the 15th October 6 weeks after being taken in .... I was finally released from hospital into the care of the stoma nurses and the district nurses.... and life continued....
and i coped... I had good days and bad days... my first ct scan was my biggest hurdle I remember being shit scared as i waited for my results... but I passed with flying colours no more cancer.....My second one april.... again I passed with flying colours... no more cancer. I returned to work in February and in April me and my neighbour Sue booked a holiday to Cyprus... I was ecstatic... my first holiday without children or partners I couldn't wait.... and on the 27th April we jetted off to Protaras, Cyprus!!
It was bliss...... sun sea and sand absolutely fantastic... the first night I drank a bottle of wine and fell under a table... not cos I was drunk because my leg had a funny turn again... it had been doing this since surgery I took it a bit more careful after that I can tell you. On the 29th the evening of William and Kates wedding... I met Lee. Traditionally we had developed a routine beach during the day followed by a stroll from one end of the strip to the other. This particular night we started at the opposite end and came across Rives bar. There he was stood at the door..."Evening ladies" he grinned and something about his eyes just had me hooked then and there. He bought me a drink we talked and danced and I suddenly realised that maybe the attraction was mutual.... Lee Mcevoy from Grimsby aged 45 and in my eyes the best thing since sliced bread lol. I saw Lee every night after that and on my last night I went to the bar alone and we talked and talked and talked and he told me I had to come back and see him.... Holiday romance.. you may say those of you who know me ... know different. I returned to the UK and we continued to talk via internet and phone and text messages. However my leg had got worse and I was referred for a ct scan of my spine which flagged yet another issue... one of the discs in my back was resting against a nerve... I needed to be referred to Neuro surgery at the LGI in leeds for a further operation.... crap news. I left the hospital rung Lee and bawled my eyes out. As usual Lee was reassuring told me it would be okay and told me I had to go back over and see him.
You know what on the 8th June I bloody did it I landed at Larnaca airport on my own with one of Lee's mates picking me up... crapping myself I was... in a strange country meeting a guy I hardly new... but the minute I laid eyes on him I knew I'd made the right decision. Being in |Cyprus felt like being home.
It was five short days but they were the most fantastic ones I'd had. I was in love and it felt fantastic. I left and arranged to go back in October with the kids.....
Then I found cheaper flights for August Jenna couldn't make it due to her job but logan could we could go for ten days flying out on the 16th and coming home on the 26th so I booked it and waited.
Another Ct scan in July and it went without a hitch... I wasn't worried... I felt great.
On the 9th August the day before my results i got a feeling... i was worried sick and in constant touch with Lee panicky and dreading my hospital visit on the 10th.
Missy moo sue my other mate was coming with me for the results cos i was too scared to go on my own.... gut instinct .... funny feeling... whatever it was I had it.... and unfortunately I was right.
"There's a 3cm tumour around your bowel we're referring you to st james's its either gonna be chemotherapy and surgery or just chemotherapy". I was devestated... chemo means no hair.... "We should be able to get you to see them next week..."
"No you can't I'm in cyprus from tuesday for ten days it needs to be after that...." I practically yelled at them.
"Okay thats fine a holiday is probably what you need before your treatment" I left the hospital in tears again.
I'd nearly made a year and the cancer was back. I rang lee... he was gutted. "God i feel like such a tool I said it would be fine... I'm so sorry..." I cried and I think he cried too. But I had to get it out of my head a holiday in cyprus was just what I needed....
Cyprus with Logan was fantastic, don't get me wrong I was disappointed at first no sign of Lee at the airport flat was a bit untidy but he'd been working hard, he probably didn't have the time.
I got to the bar with Logan, fell into lees arms and gave him the biggest kiss ever, it was so great to be back. His smile said it all he was happy to see me.
Ten days went really quickly the only time Lee had off was the weekend and the Tuesday and Wednesday day time prior to us leaving... every night he was at the bar working. But the days we had together however short were very special. I got a letter from st James's whilst I was in cyprus with Lee it was for tuesday 30th august at 10am. I was crapping myself, Lee kept reassuring me up until i left. My last night was my hardest night there. I cried buckets even on Marios (Lee's boss) no one could understand why I was so weepy ... but why would they? They didn't know what I was going home too.
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