D-Day 30th August 2011.

Missy Moo as I call her actual name Sue Copeman turned up at mine at 8am on Tuesday 30th August to take me to St James Hospital. I was scared shitless, jittery, couldn't eat and it took me ages to actually get bloody dressed let alone do anything else. We were on the road by nine heading to St James's it was relatively straight forward traffic wise and we arrived at 9.30 parked up and walked into the Bexley Wing and headed up the stairs to suite 2 to see Mr Chester the oncologist.
Sue leant me her i phone so i could play pairs to try and keep my mind from wandering cos by ten am I was a jittery mess. They took me to be weighed and have my height checked then i went back to sit down....
By eleven I was still waiting to be seen.... Sue went to ask how much longer and explained we were both thirsty and starving.. (no drinks machine even in the waiting area... something I am going to campaign to change when i start treatment... lol). "Come on you're next but she says we have time to go downstairs and get coffee...." so we trundled downstairs to Costa and queued for what seemed like eternity.... I bloody hate queues... Just saying!!
We trundled back upstairs and sat again for what seemed like another hour actually it was forty minutes and then a woman looking about 22 came out to get us and introduced herself as Fiona Collinson...( um I think that was her name lost my bit of paper already) I am so shit with loosing stuff just now!!
She asked about everything that had happened so far asked about my home life and who lived with me I explained I was on my own with two kids and I was worried about the financial aspect of having time off work as I already had huge mortgage arrears....
"Well we can get in touch with macmillan and get them involved in helping you with regards to benefits etc etc. Is there anything else thats concerns you at the moment?"
"Yes my kids they're not handling this too well so I want them to have help, counselling etc they didn't get any last time..." I explained.
"Okay and have you had any pain, nausea anything like that?"
"I'm not sleeping.... haven't for ages I got some sleeping tablets.. they're crap I told her. And this pain in my arm is getting really bad ..."
"What sort of pain?"
"Its like toothache I can barely drive with it sometimes i can't even change gear or use the handbrake it gets that bad"
"Well that can happen your pain can radiate.... so we can give you morphine to help with the pain..."
"Okay
"Right so with regards to chemotherapy I can go through bits of it with you today and then you can come back for the rest its up to you as to how much you want to know"
"Everything tell me the lot and I will come back and ask more before treatment"
"Okay. So as you know we were going to discuss with the surgical team the possibility of surgery and chemotherapy and whether or not that was an option..."
"Yes" I nodded.
"They had a meeting about you last week and unfortunately due to the cancer being in the tissues around the bowel surgery isn't an option..."
"Okay"
"And what I have to tell you that is although we can give you chemotherapy... its not going to be a cure..." I stared at her... finally dumbstruck and I swear my stomach hit the floor.
"And if I decided no chemotherapy... what would be the result of that and how long would I have?"
"Its hard to say...."
"Worst case scenario give me an average..." I told her.
"Three to six months" she answered I think at that point I went pale swallowed hard and prepared for my next question...."And with it? If I have chemotherapy... how long?"
"Two maybe three years"
"So, I won't see forty five?"
"Its doubtful... "
I cried and Sue cried as I digested that little titbit of news. Not what I wanted to hear.... I looked at Sue... "Bang goes my emigrating plans to cyprus then..." Sue looked at me and the consultant looked puzzled.
"Loraine met a fella in Cyprus, he's english back in april she was hoping to move out there in April next year.." Sue explained.
"Well your first cycle of treatment will be approximately four and a half months if you go ahead...."
"So I could go back for a holiday then?"
"I don't see why not after your treatment you will probably need a holiday... but with regards to getting your treatment out there..., I doubt that will be possible..."
"How am I gonna tell the kids...., how am i gonna tell lee?"
"We just have too..." Sue held my hand and squeezed it.
"Okay... best get on with it then eh?"
"The nurse will go through as much as you want to know now book treatment etc for you if you decide to go ahead but I want to see you again in two weeks so we can have another chat, okay?"
"I nodded"
"Its a lot to take in and we can go as slowly as you want..."
"I don't want to be poorly for my birthday... my fortieth was crap I was in hospital ill and felt like crap I want this year to have a good birthday... So can we delay treatment til after that..."
"If thats what you want.. then yes we can... at the moment the cancer is contained so we're not overly worried about starting treatment immediately but I do want you to have a bone scan make sure the pain in your arm isn't anything in your bones."
"Fine... and can I move treatment to pinderfields or dewsbury, nearer home?"
"No it has to be here I'm afraid the chemotherapy you're having isn't available at pinderfields or dewsbury. We can arrange transport for you if its an issue..."
"Okay."
We finally left St James's at oneish o'clock and I made the dreaded phonecall to lee.  He took it quite well ... or I thought he did. Then I heard the cracks in his voice and realised that it had come as a massive shock to him as well.
Next stop was mum and dads and telling Jenna, my sister and Logan. I summoned rae (my ex husband) to my mums and asked him to bring logan.
I think my mum and dad knew before I spoke in all honesty.. my dad just looked at my face and said "I take it its bad news then..." I nodded.
That day I can honestly say was the worst of my life... but I can honestly say it has to get better.....