18th April - Rough is not the word for how I feel....

Just as everything was going smoothly I was hit by an infection it hit me in the form of sleep and to be honest the only signs I noticed were sleepiness. I took to my bed on Friday the 13th and slept, and slept and slept. Then on Wednesday the district nurses came out to flush my PICC line and once again they ran into difficult it was Martin that came out to see me and after half an hour we both decided enough was enough and that I should make the journey to ST James's.  Martin however, asked me to get them to do a full blood count as well suggested I may be anaemic. Off we headed to St James's I asked for Andrea and we sat and waited for a good twenty minutes before she called me in.
"I'm so sorry Loraine, its hectic here today" she apologised showing me to a bay.  "So your PICC line is playing up again??"
"Yep" I replied.
"I thought you'd finished treatment"
"That's the thing I have, however its pending the results of my CT scan and that's not due until Friday"
"Ah, so we could take it out then?"
"Potentially yes, however results are on the 24th".
"Ah, so we better wait then?"
"Well yes and no if its not working then there's no point in it being in, is there?"
"Right well let me see if it will flush". As she disappeared to sort her trolley out Virgil one of the pre-assessment doctors that I have got to know pretty well appeared.
"Hello, Loraine how are you today?"
"Not too good Virgil" I replied. "I've been really tired since Chemotherapy"
"When was your last session Loraine?"
"4th April" I replied. "I should be rallying round by now"
"Mm" he looked at me a thoughtful look on his face.  "Is there any more treatment planned?"
"I have a CT scan booked on Friday Virgil, then I see Dr Jagdev on Tuesday for the results and then I will know if there is any more treatment".
"Ah I see... okay. So you are here today because?"
"PICC line wouldn't flush AGAIN" I rolled my eyes and Virgil laughed. 
"You're PICC line it is very.. how do I say.. tempestuous"
"Mm you could call it that."
"So the way you are feeling, this tiredness this is a sudden thing?"
"Just since Friday" I replied.  "The district nurse who called today said he thinks I may be anaemic and I should get a full blood count down... can you do that here?"
"Yes I think that is a very good idea I will ask Andrea to do this for you" Virgil replied.  At that point she re-appeared".
"I think when you flush the line you should do a full blood count on Loraine here" he suggested.
"Okay" she smiled and nodded and began setting up to try and flush my line. "Mm there is quite a bit of resistance there again Loraine" she told me. However the line began to flush "did the dressing get changed Loraine?"
"Yep but I noticed my line seems to be hanging further out of my arm than normal".
"Mm it is isn't it. Virgil?"
"Yes my dear" he replied a grin on his face.
"Loraine's line seems to be further out of her arm than normal do you think I should maybe do a chest x-ray check its in the right place? And, if its not then we could potentially take her line out. It would be no use anyway for further treatment, do you agree?"
"Yes, I will do you and x-ray card for Loraine now".
"Thanks Virgil" Andrea looked at me at that point, Loraine I'm really sorry but your PICC line isn't bleeding back I'm going to have to try and take it from your vein".
"Oh god" I whinged, my veins are horrendously bad hence the reason for the PICC line.
"I'll be gentle I promise" she looked at me a sympathetic look on her face.
"Just do me a favour and try this one in my right arm first" I asked pointing it out. "Its the best vein I have although occasionally it does move a little, but please try".
"Okay Loraine lets give it a go" I looked over at Lee who smiled at me and held eye contact with him... "Okay Loraine sharp scratch" I bit my lip as Lee smiled at me. I swore silently under my breath Fu....fu....fu....fu.....ck!" Lee lent across and held my hand.
"You okay?" He mouthed silently. I nodded....trying hard to smile...
"It hurts"  I replied. I gritted my teeth all my veins felt sensitive these days
"Okay all done"
"Really? What you actually got blood?" Andrea smiled and nodded "I'm impressed" I smiled. "Right so next step I need you to go down to x-ray" Andrea told me "As soon as its done come back up and find me and we will see if its in the right place".
"For the first time ever I'm hoping it isn't in the right place then I can have the damn thing taken out... I sooo want a bath" I told her and she laughed.
"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you come back and find me after you've been to x-ray and I'll find out whats going on".
"Okay" I grabbed my coat and the x-ray card and grabbed Lee's hand and we headed down to x-ray.  It was really busy when I gave over my details downstairs in x-ray, the seating area was packed full of people.  "Looks like we may be waiting a while" I said smiling at Lee.
"Well we haven't got anything else to do" Lee smiled back at me and gave me a hug. 
"Loraine McEvoy?"
"Maybe we won't be waiting that long after all" Lee murmured. We headed up the corridor to the changing room. 
"Right Loraine if you go in there please take off everything on your top half and put a gown on, that includes your chain"
"Okay".
"Then if you come out and take a seat we will call you in".
"Okay" i waited for the door to close then locked it.  Turning round the smell hit me a very strong smell of B.O. it was so strong ugh I actually felt sick. I have never got into a gown so fast in my life I actually left the changing room with the strings still unfastened holding my gown at the back thank god I could keep my jeans on.  Lee was sitting on a chair outside. "Can you tie this for me?" I asked turning around. 
"Of course I can turn around" Lee had just tied the strings at my neck when the radiographer called me in.. "Loraine McEvoy?"
"Yep" I replied.
"Come on in" I entered the x-ray room. "Right Loraine if you stand with your chest pressed up against the screen rest your chin on top", I did as I was told. "Now, if you put your arms round the back and grip hold of the handles. That's it, okay Loraine shortly I'll ask you to take a deep breath, hold it and breathe away".
"Okay". The radiographer disappeared behind the screen. "Right Loraine, take a deep breath in," I did, "hold your breath" I did, "now breathe away". There was a pause... "right Loraine that's it you are all done the results will be on computer when you get upstairs. You can go get changed now love".
"Thanks" I left the room and went to get changed back into my clothes in the changing room which again I did in record time because the changing room still stunk.  This time I managed to get my handbag off of Lee though and sprayed mountains of the stuff around the changing room at least the next person in wouldn't have to feel sick due to the BO smell.  I left the changing room still hopeful that maybe the PICC line could come out. Lee stood waiting for me.
"All done, back up we trot hope those fingers have been crossed then maybe I can get this out tonight". I grabbed Lee's hand and we headed out of the x-ray department and headed back upstairs to Oncology. 
"You okay? You've gone a bit pale?" Lee asked as we were halfway up the stairs in the main entrance.
"Knackered, its just hit me" I told him and grabbed his arm "I feel a bit dizzy too" Lee put his arm around me to steady me.
"Just stop for a minute" I did as I was told and took a couple of deep breaths.
"Its okay I'm okay I'll just take it slow this time" slowly we began climbing the stairs again.  I felt so drained. We headed towards oncology and sat in the waiting room, it was then I caught a glimpse of Andrea in the bay where we had been before we left for x-ray I waved to her and she beckoned us through. "Okay if you take a seat Loraine I'll go find a doctor to look at your results Virgil's left for the day". 
"Alright thanks"  I took a seat and Lee announced he was going to go outside for a cigarette. I laid back in the chair... I felt so tired. I must have nodded off and half an hour later it was Lee that woke me. 
"You okay?"
"Yep just tired" I replied. 
"Loraine the x-ray shows that the PICC line has moved slightly" Andrea announced "but its not enough to warrant it taking out it should still flush okay".
"Right".
"I'll send your bloods off the results should be back tomorrow if you want to give us a ring for them".
"Okay thanks".
"Right off we go then" Lee pulled me out of the chair. "When we get home I think you should go for a lie down".
"Okay. I won't disagree I feel like shit". I replied. "Bye Andrea, I hope not to see you again any time soon and I mean that in the nicest possible way".
"I know what you mean I hope you get your PICC line taken out soon" I smiled and she smiled back.  Then lee and I headed outside to the car park and for home.  I must have fallen asleep again on the way home because when I next opened my eyes we were on the driveway.   I did exactly as Lee said and made my way straight upstairs to lie down.  
I awoke around seven at night and headed downstairs to spend some time with Lee.  "You should have woke me its late" I told him.
"You were tired so I left you to sleep" Lee replied.
"Yep true". I sat down and tried hard to concentrate on the TV but in all honesty I couldn't concentrate it just wasn't happening I was just too tired.  It was only a couple of hours later that I ended up back in bed.
I started vomiting around eleven o'clock that night and it was constant ...every time I took a drink or a painkiller I was sick. Lee rubbed my back consistently throughout the night and got up to warm up wheat bags in the microwave to ease the pain for me. I was so lucky to have him, I must have drifted off in the early hours of the morning because I woke startled as Felix pounced under the covers next to me as daylight shone through the gap in the curtains. 
"What the...?" I jumped then realised the reason behind the fact that the cat was sharing my bed.. the window cleaners were at the window.... I have no idea why but my cat is terrified of two things... window cleaners and bin men and every time either one arrives he runs round like a lunatic. However, this was the first time he'd dived bombed under the covers on the bed giving me the fright of my life. I shouted out for Lee but there was on answer... slowly I pulled myself out of bed... god my stomach hurt. I sat on the bed for a good five minutes then the door knocked loudly... I knew it was the window cleaners but there was no way I could run downstairs and answer the door so I left it until they had gone and then slowly made my way downstairs and onto the settee. God I felt rough.....

15th April - Where has the last couple of weeks gone?

So lets start from where I left off I apologise because once again its been a while since I wrote my last blog.  I have just been so tired since I finished my last session of chemotherapy. All I have done is sleep I'm beginning to wonder if its just laziness and maybe I need a kick up the arse to get me moving lol.
Lee and I met Colin Fry on the 29th March. For those of you that don't know who he is he's a medium and one I've longed to meet for years. I'm very into the spiritual side of things and truly believe that there is life after death and that you move on to a better place.  I believe I'll be reunited with everyone in my life that I've lost when I move on and that helps me to deal with the fact that I am going to die. I mean lets face it we all are the difference being according to the doctors I'll be doing it sooner than most of you, but I'm not worried.  Anyway back to Colin Fry. I had added him as a friend on face book a while ago and it was only after we'd booked to see Sally Morgan another medium that he accepted my friend request. I immediately wrote on his wall and told him I would love to meet him and that I was currently battling cancer. Within hours he had written back and told me he was touring the UK and he would like to invite Lee and I to go and see him for free. He told me to choose which venue was best for us and he would organise the tickets. Lee, however, was sceptical wondering if it was some sort of hoax. I advised Colin of this and he immediately gave us his phone number and asked us to call. Lee rang and was totally amazed when Colin answered the phone to him. They had a chat and the tickets were organised. So the night arrived at the Bath Hall in Scunthorpe and we were shown to Colin's dressing room as he hadn't arrived yet. We sat and waited but were only there about five minutes when Colin appeared. What a lovely man! How can I describe Colin? He relaxes you immediately I felt like I'd known him all my life. Wonderfully he also had gift bags for Lee and I full of his senses range which included candles and soaps something we hadn't expected. He asked all about my treatment and how it was going and complimented me on my positive attitude. He told us how Mikey and him were planning to relocate to Spain and it was like a general chit chat amongst friends it was lovely.  We had photos taken with him which are now pride of place on facebook and I'm going to get some printed and put in frames. We watched the show and I was extremely impressed with his accurate readings although a little disappointed that I didn't get one myself.  It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening and I can honestly say we both enjoyed it very much.  Unfortunately our night out took its toll and the following day instead of a shopping trip to Grimsby we had to go home because I felt so rubbish.
I had my last chemo session on the 4th April and boy was I a happy bunny. Saying goodbye to the nurses on the oncology day case unit was the best feeling yet the worst feeling at the same time. I told them all I hope I'm not back too soon but that I probably will see them again at some point in the next couple of years. My named nurse for the day was a nurse I hadn't had since my second set of chemotherapy so that was kind of sentimental for me. I still have my PICC line in but my CT scan is on Friday and my results are back on Tuesday 24th April hopefully on that day my PICC line will be removed and it will be a long long time before my next chemotherapy session.
I had a lovely shopping trip with Vicki a friend from work on Thursday I needed help with my summer wardrobe because in all honesty I'm crap at shopping. I still dress fat that's the problem, when I look in the mirror I don't see thin I see fat. So I look at clothes and choose baggy ones and dark colours if I'm shopping on my own. Vicki helped me out of that on Thursday, made me try things on and I was amazed to find that a size 12 everywhere fit me it gave me a big buzz. The only downside was when we went to West One and I got a splinter and when I say splinter I mean a great big chunk of wood stuck in my foot from the changing room floor.  Vicki bravely pulled it out for me although when the blood began to pour she got a little squeamish.  The staff in the shop were lovely and couldn't do enough to help me. I was however a little traumatised after that and we had to go and sit down and have a drink at Costa. The mango and passion fruit cooler was absolutely gorgeous and so refreshing.  All in all it was an excellent day out and I came home with quite a few outfits for our holidays.
Anyway I'm getting stronger every day so I'll try and keep up on my blogs a bit more, problem is my life is so dull there's nothing much to write about at the minute cos all I seem to do is sleep. People keep telling me its my body healing itself that's why I'm sleeping so often but when does the healing stop cos I spend more time in bed these days than out of it.

25th March - A tribute to Lisa.

I've had a bad couple of days been a bit down but I always am this time of year. Its a bugger really cos it coincides with mum and dads anniversary every year. Lisa, my best friend died five years ago on the 25th March I still miss her terribly. What I miss more is the fact that I hardly have any photos of us together. Its one of those things you take them as you're growing up but inevitably they get lost somewhere along the way. We met at high school aged 14, Lisa's dad had died of cancer just before we met. Her mum had sent her to live with her grandparents in Horbury as Lisa was a bit of a handful, so she enrolled at the same school as me and we hit it off.
We were pretty much inseparable after that I went to her gran and grandads or she came to me. We had our ups and downs like all friends but we were always there for each other when needed.
I was bridesmaid at her wedding when she got married at 18 after falling pregnant with her son Luke, and I was Luke's godmother. Less than two years later I fell pregnant with Jenna and found myself without a partner, cos he dumped me and she was a great help throughout my pregnancy advising me what it would be like etc. I'd seen how natural she was with Luke and I helped her out looking after him it helped me to get used to each other. Jenna was born and I spent lots of time around at Lisa's for the first eighteen months of Jenna's life.
Then I met Rae and threw myself into my new relationship. Lisa was working and also had Luke and her husband Craig. They were going through a rocky patch Craig wasn't the nicest of people when he'd had a drink. They were far too young to have gotten married they hadn't been ready for the responsibility of a child and in all honesty I think they were just not suited.  Lisa began seeing someone else and I got dragged into it and we fell out. I lost my best friend and I was gutted in all honesty but I soldiered on. Rae and I married and had our son Logan but I never really gained that friendship back with anyone else and I often thought about her and wondered what she was doing.  I heard she'd moved away and left Luke with his dad but I had no idea why, I had been shocked at the time and I didn't understand the reasons behind it. 
Rae and I were married and we had Logan and life moved on, but I never had a friendship like the one I had with Lisa, I missed her.  Rae and I were together eight years before we separated, it was a difficult time in my life but it was the right decision for me at the time and one I have no regrets over.  It was by chance a couple of months later that I bumped into Lisa's gran and grandad on a bus they filled me in on Lisa's life and told me she was married again with two boys and had moved to Wales. They said she often spoke about me and wanted to get in touch so I gave them my address and phone number and told them to pass it on.
I still remember reading the letter she wrote it dropped through my letter box a week later she filled me in on her life poured her heart out over Luke and I felt excited as I picked up the phone that evening and rang her.  We talked on the phone that evening for hours and it was like the past ten years didn't matter. Then she told me she was coming to visit the following weekend and I was ecstatic I couldn't wait.
The following weekend she pulled up with her husband Tony and her two children Connor and Callum. I remember she looked stunning in her size eight clothes I even remember the clothes she was wearing that day. We talked for hours filled each other in on our lives and promised this time we would stay in touch, and we did.   I went for holidays to wales where she lived and she came to stay with me if we weren't seeing each other we were on the phone it was brilliant to have my friend back.
When she split with Tony some years later and turned up on my doorstep with her two boys and some bin bags I didn't hesitate and let her stay. She applied for a house to the council locally and got herself a place in a hostel so she could get housing quicker. I was the first one she told when she found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks later. She was happy but sad at the same time not knowing how she would cope with three kids on her own.  Then she got a house in Kettlethorpe and two weeks later rang me to tell me she'd started seeing someone. "Its like I've known him all my life, his name's Jimmy he's younger than me but he's lovely Loraine you have to meet him". We met in Wakefield the following week and she introduced me to Jimmy her bloke. He was a lovely lad we had a coffee and a chat he was great with the boys and I could see how happy she was she glowed it was the one and only time I'd seen her smile so much.  Then she went into early labour with Stephanie and I got a phone call from her "I've had a little girl" she told me. "She's so tiny though Loraine, I don't think she'll make it" she had only been 27 weeks pregnant and I was worried too.  "I haven't even told my Nana and grandad I'm pregnant" she sobbed.
"Do you want me to tell them?" I asked her.
"Would you?"
"Of course I will and I'll be over to see you tomorrow" with shaky fingers I picked up the phone and rang Lisa's grandma.
"Hi Muriel its Loraine"
"Oh Loraine how lovely to hear from you" she responded. "John, its Loraine on the phone can you turn the oven down for me?"
"Is it a bad time?" I asked her.
"No love its fine. Have you seen our Lisa lately?"
"That's the reason for my call Muriel, I have some news for you, its good and bad news are you sitting down?"
"Oh no, whats happened what's she done?" I could hear the shakiness of her voice and I swallowed hard.
"Well the thing is she didn't tell you that she's pregnant"
"I thought she was putting weight on, so she's asked you to call and tell us has she?"
"No. the thing is Muriel she was 27 weeks pregnant"
"Was?"
"She went into labour last night Muriel and you have a grand daughter Stephanie, she's tiny and she's in special care"
"Oh my goodness, what hospital?"
"They're at Pontefract general Muriel. She's scared and I think she needs her nan"
"Thank you Loraine we'll go right now".
"I think she'll be very happy to see you. I'm going to go tomorrow"
"Okay Loraine, and thanks for calling". I remember feeling relieved as I put down the phone it had gone better than expected.
The following day I went to the hospital to see baby Stephanie armed with my camera she was indeed tiny her skin was transparent I put my finger through the hole of her sealed incubator. The tip of my middle finger to the knuckle was the same size as Stephanie's head. Shockingly she was about thirty three centimetres in length but the nurses said all early signs were good, and she was gorgeous.  She told me how her labour had been quick and Jimmy had stayed with her throughout it all.
"Thanks for ringing my Nana they've been up constantly and they seem to like Jimmy".
"What isn't there to like?"  I smiled. "You've known him what four weeks and he stayed with you for your labour, I think you have a good one there love. Don't let him go"
"I won't" she smiled. "He's asked me to move in with him, I know its fast but I'm considering it"
"Well why don't you then you seem so happy when  he's around Lisa. You don't have to give up your house do a trial run see how it goes. If it works then give up the house and move in with him. If it doesn't you've nothing to loose".
"You think?"
"If you have a chance of happiness you go for it. It doesn't come round very often".  We saw each other more and more after that. We often met for a coffee in town or I would go to hers and Jimmy's. Those days were fabulous. When I split with my boyfriend and went on a downer Jimmy paid for me and the kids to get a taxi through to theirs and we stayed for the weekend. Around that time I was over there every other weekend. Logan got on well with Connor and Callum and loved going and Jenna quite liked Jimmy's younger brother who was around her age so she didn't mind going either. Those days were the best I had my best mate back and she was happy.
It was the second week of March 2007 when I saw her last, we had a very surreal conversation that evening about dying. She'd told me how her Nana and grandad had said to her they were re-doing their will and how she was to be included I remember she looked right at me and said. "I've told them just to put the kids in it, because they will outlive me".
"Don't be daft" I'd replied.
"No I'm serious I've always had a feeling I won't live beyond my dads age"
"You're being morbid now" I remember I'd said.
"You'll see" she'd smiled and replied.
It was 2am on Friday the 23rd March that I got a phone call I still remember it vividly. "Is that Loraine?"
"Yes"
"Its Jimmy's mum Pauline Loraine, I'm afraid I have some bad news are you sitting down love?"
"Whats wrong Pauline?"
"Its Lisa she collapsed this evening she was rushed to Pontefract general, she's in some sort of coma. They're transferring her to Leeds general infirmary by ambulance now".
"Oh my god"
"Its not looking good love I'm afraid she hasn't regained consciousness. They're transferring her to the neuro critical care unit".
"Can I see her?"
"I'd wait til morning as soon as I have a telephone number and know what ward she is on I will ring and let you know".
"Okay Pauline thanks so much. I want to go see her as soon as I can though so please ring me sooner rather than later".  I'd put the phone down and cried myself to sleep on the settee the phone at the side of me waiting for a call.  I was due at work the following morning at that time I worked in a call centre for HSBC bank. I remember ringing and speaking to one of my old team leaders Suzanne at the time. "Suzanne its Loraine, I  need some time off compassionate leave or something I'll take holidays anything".
"Whats up love?"
"Its my best mate Lisa she collapsed early hours of this morning she's in some kind of coma at Leeds general infirmary I'm really sorry but she's like my sister, she has three kids I have to go see her, she's in critical care and it sounds serious. Please can I just not come in today?"
"Oh bloody hell, listen do what you have to do love we'll work it out when you get back. I know if it was my best mate I'd go so go".
"Okay thanks Suzanne. I'll let you know what happens".
"Okay love". I'd rung my mum next Logan was at his dads, Jenna was 15 at the time and still at school I arranged for her to have Jenna for the weekend and told her why. It was ten am the following morning when Pauline rang and told me exactly where she was and I jumped in a cab and headed to the hospital.  I knew it would cost me but I didn't care I needed to get there. The cab pulled up and I got in.
"Where too love?"
"Leeds general infirmary" I told him.
"Are you sure, that's gonna cost you?" he asked me.
"How much?"
"About twenty probably" he'd replied.
"Okay take me to a cash point and I'll give you twenty five if you can get me there fast" I'd answered.
"No worries" he'd smiled. "Its an emergency I take it?"
"Yeah my best mate she's collapsed she's in the neuro intensive care unit I need to get there as quick as I can".
"Sorry to hear that love, its no problem though I'll put my foot down for ya"
"Thanks I appreciate it".  I don't think he minded that I never uttered another word for the whole journey. He dropped me outside the door and I practically threw the twenty five quid at him and ran to the information desk to find out how I got to intensive care.  There was a buzzer on the door.
"I'm here to see Lisa Ambrose"
"Okay come through the door straight ahead is the relatives room if you'd like to take a seat in there someone will come out and get you".
"Okay thanks" on shaky legs I'd walked into the room. Sat across from me were a man and a woman I smiled and they smiled back.  It was a good five minutes later when the woman spoke.
"Are you Loraine, by any chance?"
"Yes that's right, sorry do I know you?"
"I'm Jimmy's sister Teresa and this is my husband Chris"
"Oh, hi nice to meet you both. Is anyone in there at the moment?"
"Jimmy's in with her, he's hardly left her side and Luke's just arrived".
"Luke?"
"Yes Lisa's Nana and grandad brought him up they've just gone for a walk, Stephanie was getting a little grizzly so they took her for a walk. Mums at home with the boys she's not good in hospitals"
"Oh right. Lisa's Nana and grandad took Stephanie home last night with them and my mum had the boys three of them was just a little much for her".
"Ah I see. How bad is it Teresa?"
"In all honesty love I'm not sure. They said she may be able to hear though so Jimmy's been talking to her constantly".  My tears started then and Teresa came over and gave me a big hug. "I'll go see if I can hurry them up so you can go in"
"Okay thanks." I grabbed the tissue she offered and wiped my eyes.
I still see her in her hospital bed wired up with tubes all over the place unfortunately its my last memory of Lisa and one I find hard to deal with....
I never went home Jimmy, Teresa and I stayed with her Friday night and all day Saturday then Saturday night. We talked to her constantly hoping it would help bring her round desperate for some kind of sign. Teresa left to go home to her kids on the Sunday and to help with Stephanie and the boys and I stayed with Jimmy.  I remember the conversation we had with the doctor sitting in the relatives room with him.
"The results of the scan showed that Lisa has had a bleed on the brain. We judge bleeds by a scale of one to five, one being the lowest and the easiest to recover from and five being the highest and the worst one. I'm afraid Lisa's bleed shows as a four its extremely unlikely she will come round from this".
I looked at Jimmy my mouth hung open and he looked at me and we cried and held each other as we listened to the rest of the doctors words. "What we need to do next is a serious of tests to check Lisa for brain activity that will determine as to whether or not we turn off the life support machines".
"Right"
"So if there is anyone that needs to come and see her and say goodbye then I think it would be a good idea to call them"
"Okay" Jimmy and I stood up and looked at each other I think we both knew even then what the results would be.
The machines were turned off later that day and I remember walking into the corridor and just sliding down the wall and crying and crying and crying.  It was left to Jimmy and I to go back to the house and tell the boys their mum was gone it was a horrifying task and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Stephanie was ten months old and the boys were eleven and twelve, how do you break the news that they're never gonna see their mummy again??  But between us we managed it, I still believe it wasn't our job and that it should have been Lisa's immediate family that had the task of breaking the news but they were nowhere to be seen.  In the three days she was in the hospital dying they turned up once and spent all of half an hour with her. For that, I can never forgive, I remember thinking I hope to god when I die my family care enough to actually show up at my bedside and spend some time with me?
Five years have past, Jimmy moved on quite quickly after Lisa died it took him less than seven weeks in fact and I found it hard to forgive him for that. Then he did the ultimate no no and split her family he kept the boys and sent Stephanie to his sisters saying his girlfriend and him couldn't cope with a baby. It wasn't long after that they replaced her with a child of their own and that did it for me and I had to walk away. Lisa would never have wanted her family split because it had happened to her when she'd been separated from her younger brother Mark. Jimmy moved away with the boys and his girlfriend and her kids and their baby not long after and I have no idea where they are.  But the boys know me and I'm sure one day they will look me up. I go as often as I can to see Stephanie but not as often as I'd like she's growing up so fast. It was my job to tell her about her mum when she got older, she knows she has a second mummy and often goes to visit her grave with Teresa.  Unfortunately I may not have that chance now if I'm not around for long enough but I have promised Teresa I will write a letter to her and tell her all about her mummy and my bestest friend Lisa. The one thing I do know is that when I die Lisa will be at the other side waiting for me with a big glass of wine and a welcoming smile.
Love you Lisa xx

Tuesday 27th - Fingers crossed.

Third night now with little to no sleep. Laid awake til three am. Woke at seven when Lee got up and tried in vain to get back to sleep. At eight I heard Logan come in to drop his bag off and leave again. I snuggled under the duvet and tried to get back to sleep. At nine, I thought what the hell and got up to wash my hair and have some breakfast. However, Lee was asleep under the throw on the sofa so I backed out of the lounge and headed into the kitchen. I got myself some cereal and took it upstairs with me. After eating my way through a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes I got in the shower and washed my hair. I'd blow dried it and straightened it before I heard Lee move downstairs. I'd said if I was up in the morning I would meet mum at the market. There's a small market in Ossett on a Tuesday and Friday Lee likes to look round the second hand part for action men to add to his collection... I kid you not. I rang mums number but dad answered.
"Is mum still at Carols having her hair done?" I asked.
"Yes she is why?"
"Well can you ask her to give me a ring when she gets in and I'll arrange to meet her up at the market?"
"Why what are you doing today?"
"Meeting mum at the market then I have the hospital fro pre-assessment at two" I told him puzzled by the question when I'd just told him what I was intending to do.
"Okay so she's to give you a ring?"
"Yes" I replied. "I need to get my passport changed so I have to go up there anyway".
"Okay love bye".
"Bye" I put the phone down not entirely sure he'd been listening lol.
"Morning" I gave Lee a kiss as he walked in.
"Morning love"
"Mums at the hairdressers next door getting her hair done I've asked dad to get her to ring  when she gets in then we'll go meet her okay?"
"Yes that's fine darl."
"I've got all the stuff I need for my passport so I'll get that sorted. I need to get photos done first so I'll go to the photo shop and get those done first."  My mobile phone beeped (or rather knocked, mine has a woodpecker ring tone lol)" oh, this message says mums on her way are we there now? I told dad to ask mum to ring first. Shall we go then?" Just then the house phone began ringing. I picked it up seeing mum on display "We're not there yet mum I told dad to ask you to ring when you got in" I told her hurriedly worried she was waiting. "I've just got home now" she told me. "Oh, I got your text saying you were on your way are you there now I presumed you'd set off" I explained.
"No, no we'll set off now though if you're ready"
"Yes we're on our way" I put the phone down shaking my head puzzled that mum had sent a message saying she was on her way whereas in fact she was at home... ah well never mind.
"Ready?" I asked Lee, and he nodded. It was lovely and sunny outside Lee wore a pair of three quarter shorts and I had on jeans and a t-shirt.
Parking the car we headed for the photographers first don't you just hate the fact you can't smile on passport photos? I looked a right miserable bugger lol. Photos done we headed towards the town hall to look for mum and dad where we had arranged to meet.  Not seeing them outside we headed inside and Lee made his way to his usual toy stall where he got most of his action men from.  He bought two more and as he was waiting to pay my dad walked past in the other direction. "Dad, Dad" I called but he obviously hadn't heard me although nearly everyone else did and turned round as I called. Dad definitely needs a hearing aid! "I'll go see if mums outside" I told Lee. However there was no need as i made my way through the doorway there was mum standing squinting at her mobile phone, without her glasses on.
"Hiya"
"Oh hi," she looked up and smiled "you look good today"
"Thanks I've just been for passport photos" I pulled them out and showed her. "I look a right miserable bugger don't I?"
"No they're nice" mum said and I smiled. "I'm gonna go over to the post office and get the passport sorted before I do anything else"
"Okay well I'll come with you, that okay"
"Yes fine. Lee just nipping to the post office with mum we'll come back here when we're done"
"okay". There were only five in the queue when we got in the Post Office and only one at the Passport window. I wasn't sure if we could just go straight to the passport window or if we had to queue still so mum asked a woman sitting at a desk.
"No you're fine love you can go straight to the counter when she's done with that customer you don't have to queue for the passport check and send service".
"Okay thanks".
"Whats the quickest service you offer is it a week?"
"No we don't offer a week" she replied. "It normally takes two weeks".
"Ah right I checked online and it said normal timescales were six to eight weeks or you could pay extra and have it done in one week".

"Yep end of April" I told her next she'd be selling me insurance and a credit card I thought waiting for it.
"Well we've got Easter so that might delay it a bit" she told me.
"But I should have it back before end of April though?"
"Well I would have thought so but its not guaranteed"
"I'll risk it" I replied and handed over the application my photos, old passport and marriage certificate.
"Where you going?"
"Cyprus"  I told her.
"Larnaca or Paphos?"
"Larnaca" I told her "flight only because my husbands parents live out there."
"My daughters in Paphos, its getting warmer now they've had their worst winter though"
"Yes I know Lee's mum was telling me".
"Have you booked your flights?"
"Yes" here we go I thought now she'll try selling me insurance.
"What have you got them for?"
"I've got insurance" I said interrupting.
"Oh I didn't mean insurance just wondered who you had booked with and what you got your flights for? I go out to Paphos to see my daughter quite a lot of the time".
"Oh, I got a good deal" I couldn't tell her now I hadn't actually booked the flights I had looked at them though and knew how much they were "Flying out its seventy five quid and coming back is eighty five" I told her that's for end of April til end of May though?"
"Really that's a good deal. I've never got flights under two hundred quid for one travelling" she told me.
"Oh no you can get cheaper than that I went out in April, June, August and September last year and the most I paid for a flight was one hundred and sixty quid".
"Really?"
"Yes. But I always fly to Larnaca but I don't see why it should be more expensive to go to Paphos. In fact lee's mum always books her flights from Cyprus to us with Cyprus airways and flying from UK to Cyprus she either uses Thomas cook or monarch if you split them like that apparently its even cheaper".
"Oh right. I'll have a look at that then"
"Yes make sure you do it'll be cheaper" as we'd been talking Maggie had been doing everything necessary for the check and send service. She gave me a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Then circled a date on it, the date being fourteen working days from today which takes us to the seventeenth of April. If you haven't heard anything by this date, ring this number and give them this reference and they will chase the passport for you, okay?"
"Okay thanks"
"No problem bye"
"Bye" that was the first time I'd been in the post office and no one had tried to sell me something I was impressed. "All done" I smiled at mum. "Lets go look for them" I suggested.
"What else do you need to do?"
"Nothing really, oh apart from I want to go to beauticians I had my nails done last week with that shellac nail polish it normally lasts two weeks but its only been a week and they've all chipped"
"Oh that's not right"
"I know so I'm gonna go ask for a repair this time. I wouldn't normally but we're off to that Colin fry show on Thursday and i want them to look good for that".
"Oh yes that's Thursday isn't it. Hope you get a reading"
"Me too" I replied as we rounded the corner I could see dad and Lee I met Lee at the slipper stall and proceeded to buy a pair of slippers for five pounds.
"Are you going to go get that walking stick Marlene?" dad asked her.
"What stick?"
"There's one in that mobility shop its a fold up one and its on sale for eight pounds. I thought I'd get one then I can fold it up when I don't need it." she explained.
"Oh right well we can go there next" so we headed up to the mobility shop where I spotted two walking sticks in the window one was a standard black one and the other one was called glitzy walking stick it was a metallic green with a silver spiral around the stick. I tried to persuade my mum to get the glitzy one but she was having none of it. She bought her stick and we headed for a coffee and a chat. Then I booked a repair at the beauticians and we headed for the car.
"Let me know how you get on?"
"There's nothing to tell mum its only bloods and getting weighed" I told her.
"Well give us a ring when you get in anyway" she told me.
"Okay".

"Hi appointments not until two o'clock we came early to get parked" I told the receptionist at the pre-assessment clinic. "Okay Loraine, take a seat in waiting area one".
"Okay thanks" we headed up to the waiting room and sat down. It was empty!! When I say empty there was only one other person there. "God this is unusual Lee" I said sitting down. Normally it was packed and we were struggling for seats.
"Wow it is quiet isn't it?" I pulled out my magazine and Lee pulled out his paper to read it we were experienced at the waiting game now and knew you had to bring reading material with you. At these clinics you could be waiting a couple of hours at a time. We hadn't been waiting long when a Chinese nurse called my name and we followed her down to the pre-assessment room.
"Its quiet isn't it?" I said to her. "Is everyone on holiday or something? I've never seen it so empty"
"Yes its seems to have been a quiet afternoon it was manic this morning though" she told me. "We'll weigh you first" I put my bag down and walked over to the scales.  I'd put some weight on back up to Eleven stone one, I'd been steadily loosing three pounds a week until now. I wasn't happy that I'd put weight on I knew everyone else would be though. Just shows my appetite must be getting better. I sat down and the nurse went through her pre-assessment check list.
"So you're having day eight tomorrow aren't you?"
"No day one cycle six, day eight was cancelled due to a low white cell count. Day one was supposed to be last week but I had a urine infection so it was put back and i was given antibiotics for a week" I explained.
"Oh right let me just check something" she checked on computer and saw that I was right I was booked in for day one of cycle six although they had it down as cycle three. But that was due to the first three cycles being Gemcitabine and Cisplatin and now I was on Gemcitabine and Carboplatin. Then I forewarned her, when I came to have bloods taken last Tuesday Liz couldn't get the end of my PICC line off to change it. So you may need forceps the district nurses tried when they came out to do my flush on Thursday but they couldn't get it off either".
"They may want to take it out then" another nurse piped up who'd been sitting nearby.
"What the line?" I asked. "I'm on my last cycle though" I told her.
"Well if it hasn't been flushed..."
"Oh it has, it was flushed and dressed and everything else they just couldn't get this end off it seems to be stuck fast"
"Oh right I thought you meant it hadn't been flushed".
"No I just meant the end it always gets flushed" I repeated. "However it does sometimes struggle to bleed back" I told her. At that point Liz walked into the room.
"Oh hello you" I showed her the end of the PICC line. She pulled a face "couldn't they get it off then?"
"Nope it flushed okay and everything but the district nurses couldn't get the end off"
"Didn't you come for chemo then last?"
"No Dr Jagdev had to cancel it cos I had a urine infection" I explained so district nurses came out to flush it but couldn't get the end off to change it.
"Oh hell, you'll need forceps then Kam cos I couldn't get it off last week"
"Okay I'll do the dressing and flush and bloods first and then I'll tackle changing that last" she told me and laughed.  Looking down at my PICC line I said....
"Now behave yourself and bleed back this time no funny business" Lee looked at me and laughed.
"Those drugs they have you on are turning you funny!"
"Hey you laugh it worked last time I had a little talk with it and it behaved itself" I replied. However, it didn't work, some twenty minutes later Kam decided to clean my arm and change the dressing then try again. That didn't work either, so she went to retrieve some forceps and I swung my arms around a bit to try and get the blood flowing so she could try again. Ten minutes later she returned with the forceps and the end was unscrewed easily and dumped a new one put in its place. Then syringe in hand she flushed my line again, it worked, then it bled back very very slowly I might add. When I say slowly I mean it dripped its way into first one vial then the other. Forty minutes after my original appointment time... I was done... finished and ready to go home....whey hey. Miracles do happen. Temp fine, bloods fine, everything fine... Chemo at two fifteen tomorrow. Homeward stretch now Loraine nearly finished.
I took myself up for a nap when I got in exhausted from just walking round the town centre and going to the hospital... I feel about sixty not forty.  In less than ten days I could have my PICC line removed and my life back. I can't bloody wait!!!

Friday 23rd March - A sad end to the week.

Okay first thing I have to announce to the world is on Wednesday I went to the hairdressers and I am officially blond again and straight. I was always blond and straight until about seven years ago. Then I changed to blond with an amber shade highlighted, then the amber changed to a red streaks which looked really good.  Then I went through a traumatic break up and changed to a deep brown I called it my dark phase. Then I changed to a deep burgundy red. Then it was red with blond highlights. Then after my operation in 2010 and my trip to Cyprus I started wearing it curly, it looked good it was a mixture of colours, browns reds, and blonds and it took no managing I just left it to dry and then scrunched it with hair gel... no effort required it was brill. So I sold my GHD straighteners to my sister. Then I started chemo and slowly my curls began to disappear, I didn't loose my hair well not much of it, it thinned out but wasn't noticeable to anyone else, it just went straight. When I got my hair done for my wedding  I wore it up, it was a mixture of colours blonds and browns and straight at the front then curly at the back and it looked really good. But the curls were man made with tongs and sadly now when I wash it, its straight no more curls. So I went to the hairdressers and came out blond and straight armed with a new pair of GHD's from the Peacock limited edition in Green, and I kid you not two hundred and fifteen pounds lighter. Ah well not every day you get to treat yourself to some decent straighteners is it?

On Thursday, Lee and I made a trip into Wakefield. Unfortunately I have a funeral to go to tomorrow and I have nothing to wear. Well, I do, I have a black dress which is fine I suppose but I'd rather wear trousers and a top. We stopped at Matalan first because they are always cheap for trousers. But straight away I saw the menswear department had expanded and I began having a look around. Lee still seems to have no clothes. I spotted a lovely shirt in there, a stripy one.
"Know what I love about shopping with you?"
"What?" I asked Lee.
"You always pick out stuff for me that I like and that's a first for me" he said smiling.
"Well I must have good taste then" I replied and gave him a kiss. I headed for womenswear next but it all seemed to be casual stuff, however Lee asked for me and one of the staff explained the store had been moved around and where to look for the smart stuff. I picked out four pairs of trousers two size 12 two size 14 in different styles. I can get into a size 12 no problem now but if they are a bit too tight at the waist they cause problems with my stoma so I tend to go for a 14 if the waistband is stiff. Next i saw a cream chiffon blouse with a black colour and buttons and showed it to Lee.
"Its pretty transparent" he pointed out.
"I could wear a Cami top underneath that will hide my stoma bag".
"Yep that would work, try it on" he suggested and I headed for the changing rooms. Anyone who's been fat like me will no how scary entering changing rooms can be. I, for one always used to pick up something I liked, take it home, try it on and bring it back if it didn't fit, because I was too scared to enter a changing room. It still took some encouraging getting me in there I can tell you.
"Maybe I should take the 14 and try them on at home.." I suggested to Lee. He raised an eyebrow.
"Go on I'll wait here" he encouraged. So I held my items up for the assistant to count and headed into a cubicle. The first pair of trousers were just a terrible fit generally and looked horrid on so I tried a 12 in a different style. They were a good fit, but as usual a little snug around the waist and showed the outline of my stoma bag off to perfection, not a good idea. So I tried the 14 on and the blouse and I was pleasantly surprised I headed to the entrance to show Lee.
"They're nice turn around" I did as I was told smiling.
"You look great they're a brilliant fit" Lee encouraged me.
"Thanks".
"So, where now?"
"Why don't we go bed shopping, there's a Benson beds just further up look" I pointed out the store to him as we came out of Matalan.
"Good idea sooner we get a new bed, sooner you get some sleep". So we entered the shop and headed to the bed section.  We tried out quite a few when one of the assistants Carol came over.
"Any particular bed you're looking for?" she asked.
"Well I have a memory foam one but it has dips at both sides of the mattress now and raises in the middle" I told her.
"How long have you had it?"
"Not long to be honest only about five years" I told her. "But, I didn't pay a lot for it, I guess you get what you pay for. So I'm ready to spend on a decent bed".
"Loraine was wanting one of those divan beds that you lift up with the storage underneath"  Lee told her.
"We have those"

"Okay I can show you a few of those, follow me" so Lee and I followed to the other side of the store where she pointed out some beds.
"Don't be afraid to lie down on them" she told us. So I lay down and encouraged Lee to get on and give it a try as well.
"How does that one feel?"
"Mm its nice" I told her.
"Right well that's bottom of the range, I'll take you to the next one up and you can try that one. This one is made up of micro coil springs then its topped with air pockets and then memory foam. The higher we go in the range the deeper the memory foam top and I'm told the more comfortable they are. So try this one out" I laid on the bed.
"Ooh yes this one is definitely comfier than that one" I agreed.
"Well try the next one then" she pointed to the bed next to the one I was laid on so I got up and laid on the next one. "This is the highest one in the range".
"And can you do this one with the divan base that lifts up?" I asked her.
"No that's what I was going to come too. You can't mix and match the divan bases and mattresses. With this mattress you need to have this base". I looked at the base it was brown with two drawers in. I didn't like the fact that it was brown.
"Mm, not keen on the colour" I told her.
"Well the other option is this mattress with this base" she pointed to another base which did lift up for the storage. "But that would cost you an extra two hundred pounds".
"Oh, that's a bit expensive".
"That's what I thought, the other option is the divan base that pulls up with the mattress that's on it. Why don't you try?" she suggested and I lay down on that bed. I shook my head it definitely wasn't as comfortable as the other one. "Yes I thought so, it depends on how much you want that base really".
"How much would it be with the mattress I want and the base it comes with?" I asked.
"I could do that one for Six hundred and fifty nine pounds including delivery".
"And if I took the mattress I want and the base that lifts up?"
"That would be Eight hundred and fifty nine pounds" she told me.
"And if I went for the lift up base and the not very comfy mattress?"
"That would be Six Hundred and twenty but obviously you might not be getting the comfort".
"What do you think?"
"You want one that's gonna be comfy darl".
"Yes I know".
"I know you had your heart set on a lift up one but do we really need all that storage? I mean the bedding in those top boxes above the bed will easily fit into those two drawers and that will free up all the top boxes above the bed then?"
"Yeah true" I agreed.
"You want to be comfy darl and the fact that the divan base is brown doesn't matter you can get a valance sheet to cover that up".
"You have a point" I smiled at him. "Right we will take the comfy mattress with the not so nice looking brown base and drawers I told her".
"Okay come sit down and I'll take some details".  So half an hour later we walked out of Benson beds I'd paid a ten percent deposit now and the rest was due a week before delivery. Delivery was set for Thursday 5th April at last I would have a comfy bed to lie on.
When we got in I rang my friend Mandy to make arrangements for the funeral. Sadly a mutual friend had lost a daughter aged eighteen. Mandy wanted to go but had no transport and I had transport but no one to go with so it made sense we go together.
"I've arranged to pick Mandy up before the funeral tomorrow" I told Lee. "She lives in Wrenthorpe on Coronation Street, would you believe?" he chuckled. "The funerals at Wakefield Crematorium next to where Lisa's grave is but I'm not sure how long it will take us to get from one to the other. I can always have a coffee at Mandy's before we set off".
"Okay darl"
"Mum wants to meet up with me but I've told her I'm not sure what time we'll be done because Mandy will probably want to go to the wake after and I'm not sure where that is".
"Okay well I'll be in so don't worry".  I text Lynne the mun of Jenny who died and told her we'd both be there tomorrow. I was secretly dreading it, it was horrid at Mary's the minute I saw the coffin I just though that could be me soon and its hard to get rid of those thoughts.

I woke up feeling sad at the thought of Jenny's funeral she was so young. No one should have to make funeral arrangements for their child, its not right. I knew there would be people there I hadn't seen for years. Lynne used to be a barmaid at the Cock and Bottle a local pub I frequented where I live. It shut down about four years ago now and remains empty. I haven't seen Lynne in about three years unknown to me she moved to Outwood which is why I hadn't seen her around Ossett for a while.  Lynne's kids would often come up to the pub on a Saturday afternoon when they had karaoke on her kids, Mandy's kids and my kids used to hang around together. They were all various ages at the time  Jenna is two year older than Jenny, and Jenny was three years older than Logan. Mandy has three kids, Patrick was ages with Jenna, Robin was ages with Logan and Sammy was ages with Jenny. But they would go on karaoke or play games outside on the precinct where we live it was always a lovely atmosphere in the summer.  There's been a lot of publicity surrounding Jenny's death as she fell from a hotel window there was a lot of speculation and rumours going about as to did she jump, was she pushed, or had she fallen? But her body had been released so I presumed any investigation was now over.  I followed the directions of the sat nav and pulled up outside a house twenty minutes later. I wasn't entirely sure if I had the right address so I took out my phone and rang Mandy's mobile. It was then I saw her at the window waving so I got out the car.
"Want a cuppa before we go?" she asked me.
"Yes that would be good"
"How long will it take us to get there?"
"Not sure I'm just going to put the postcode in the sat nav and I'll check" I told her. I've got a new Tom tom but I still haven't read the instructions. To be honest any gadgets I never do I fiddle about with them until I get it working.  Eventually after a lot of beeps telling me I'd gone wrong I'd found my way onto the main menu of the Tom tom I put in the post code of the crematorium and waited.
"It says twenty minutes so we've got about half an hour to spare" I told her.  Two cups of coffee later we got in the car and headed to the crematorium.
The first thing we noticed when we arrived was that the car park was full. So we had to come out of the car park and park on the side of the road outside. As we walked up I saw Rachel a girl that used to work behind the bar with Lynne who I did see quite regularly. She was standing with her son Chris. Jenny had been his first girlfriend and he was in bits.  There was a huge crowd of people and no way we were all going to fit into the crematorium. As I looked around I realised what a tight squeeze this was going to be.  The hearse and cars pulled up, and about twenty cars followed black flags hanging from their car aerials. I was glad to be around the corner of the building now as the coffin was unloaded and the family walked in. I didn't want to be near the coffin I knew if I was I'd cry.  The music from one of Adele's hits flooded the crematorium and we heard it outside as we all walked inside. The benches in the crematorium and the back of the crematorium was packed with people. People stood in the aisles too so we were shown into the waiting room and a television screen was put on in there so we could see the service. Two of Jenny's friends did her eulogy he was lovely to listen too, then the vicar spoke a bit. Before long it was over and I hadn't shed a single tear. I was quite proud of myself that I'd held it together. But then as we excited the building Jason Jenny's brother came running back in shouting "She's still there isn't she? There's something I have to do, don't take her yet" as he shouted I began to cry. The poor kid certainly wasn't holding it together.
"He was like that when I went on Wednesday Loraine, he's loosing it big style".
"Poor bugger" I replied grabbing a tissue. "I hope no one looses it like that when I die. At least with mine we will all be prepared for it might even see if we can have a rehearsal" I commented and Mandy sniggered. "Well you have wedding rehearsals why not funeral ones, I can make sure everyone following my wishes then. One stipulation is everyone has to wear something Red. Lee will be spitting feathers you know what he's like about Red". Mandy laughed. She'd laughed when I'd told her via face book about Lee's aversion to red him being a Leeds united fan and all that. I'd threatened to wear red knickers on our wedding night. Lee, however had made it clear if I did there would be no honeymoon action so I'd given up on the idea. It was quite hysterical that the hotel room we'd stayed in had red accessories and that the wall in the en suite was bright red too. Lee had asked if I'd done it deliberately. I approached Lynne and gave her a hug.
"Are you coming back to the Queens?" she asked.
"Yes I will, haven't a clue where it is though"
"I know the way" Mandy told me.
"We will see you there then" I told Lynn. Then I spotted Rachel. "We're off to the Queens if you want to come I can give you a lift home from there" I told her.
"Its okay my friend is picking me up that dropped me off, but thanks anyway". I gave her a hug and Mandy and I walked towards the car.
"You sure you know where we're going?" I asked Mandy.
"Yep, no problem" she replied.  She directed me back onto the M1 and I headed for Junction 41 as we came off the motorway I recognised the route to Outwood anyway it wasn't far from where my friend and hypnotist Jacqui lived. I wasn't sure where the Queens was until Mandy pointed it out. Its just past the traffic lights on the left there, not sure where you can park though" it was pretty busy but I knew there would be a lot of people parked up for the wake. It was a lovely service and there were hundreds of people in the pub celebrating Jenny's life it was just a shame that no one seemed to know how it had happened. Although Lynne remains convinced it was no accident and her daughter was pushed. Police are investigating but there were only two people in the hotel room the night Jenny died. Unfortunately they don't seem to be getting many answers.
R.I.P Jenny. If someone did this they have to live with the consequences of their actions.

Wed 29th Feb -Tues 20th March - Finally the end is in sight!

I have to apologise to you all again, its been three weeks since my last post. I also have to apologise for dating my last blog incorrectly it should have been titled 28th Feb but for some reason I had it dated 19th Feb I have now corrected my error and edited the post to change the date... I swear Alzheimer's is setting in!!  I sailed through my chemotherapy on the 29th February and felt okay until Saturday came and boy was I sick. On hands and knees over the toilet bowl Lee looked at me and said "I think we should ring the hospital" a concerned look on his face... it was the third time and we were only on 11 O'clock.
"No, Please, don't make me go back" I begged. The thought of going back to the uncomfortable bed at St James's and four boring blue walls with no working TV in a room by myself well not exactly enticing is it? "Besides its the weekend and if they took me in today it would be Monday before I would see a consultant there's only registrars on at the weekend" I pointed out.
"I'll give you til teatime if you're still being sick we are at least going to call the GP".
"Okay" I agreed. I went for a lie down on the bed and Lee went out to the shed. I am ashamed to say I lied to my husband when he came back in from the shed around 5pm and told him I'd been fine and no more sickness. Whereas I'd actually been sick twice more.... when he reads this he's gonna kill me. I love him to bits and I know he has my best interests at heart but the thought of that hospital again Ugh... I just couldn't face it.  Besides we were off to see Sally Morgan  the medium on Tuesday 6th and I was looking forward to it. 
However I admit come the Tuesday although the sickness had stopped I was beginning to wish we weren't going.  I felt weak, and washed out as we set off for my pre-assessment on the 6th March. We set off bags packed for our trip to Manchester tickets in hand and ready to head straight to the hotel from the hospital.  We arrived at St James's checked in and sat patiently in the waiting room, we'd been sat for five minutes when I looked at Lee the colour draining from my face.
"You know how you said to me, have you got everything before we left?"
"Yes"
"I forgot my medication its in a plastic tub on the worktop in the kitchen. We're gonna have to go home before we go to Manchester". Lee laughed, I was always forgetting stuff it was getting to be a bit of a habit, hence he always said to me have you got everything?
"Its fine darl we can go home first and get your stuff and then go its no big deal".
"I love you" I lent over and gave him a kiss just as my name was called to go into pre-assessment. I cannot for the life in me remember the name of the nurse I saw that day... I hadn't seen her in pre-assessment before. She was younger than the other nurses on the pre-assessment team but that must mean she was really good at her job as oncology nurses all go through extra training.
"I will apologise in advance for my PICC line in case it decides to be temperamental again" I told her. "It has a habit of acting up".
"I'll be prepared for it then. How have you been since your last chemo?"
"Well for the first time since I started on the Carboplatin I've been sick" I told her. "I wasn't sick on the first cycle at all but I have been pretty terrible since last Wednesday. But, I'm thinking maybe its a sickness bug that I've picked up rather than chemo related because it only lasted one day".
"And how have you felt since then?"
"Really tired and drained to be honest. I've had no energy at all".
"It could be that you're iron levels are low Loraine, I mean I've not seen you before but are you usually this pale?"
"She does look whiter than normal" Lee interrupted.
"Well if there is anything it will come back in your bloods and they'll give you something for it tomorrow" she told me.  She flushed my line and drew back the syringe waiting for my line to bleed... it didn't happen...."Please, please bleed, don't play silly buggers today" I actually spoke to my PICC line out loud...she must have thought I was ready for the nut farm. Lee smirked and I rolled my eyes here we go again.
"I'd do some star jumps to move the arm about but I really don't have the energy" I laughed nervously. I really hate it when this happens going to phlebotomy for bloods doing with a needle is not good when you have no veins it bloody hurts (I think you call the blood clinic phlebotomy... if you don't I apologise as I said before Alzheimer's lol). The nurse frowned as she continued to try and get my PICC line to bleed back... it didn't want to work.  "Just a thought but sometimes they change the dressing and everything first and then try it again and it works" I suggested.
"Okay, lets give that a go" She stripped the dressing off my arm and changed the bung at the end of my line wiping round the area carefully where the line goes into my arm as it was quite sore. It stung as she wiped round it with an alcoholic wipe and I flinched slightly. "Sorry did that hurt?"
"Just a bit" I told her "Its just where its scabbed over where the line goes in, the dressing rubs against it and it gets irritated" I explained.  Dressing change she flushed the line again and this time I could feel the cool saline going in.
"Its definitely flushing I felt that" I told her.
"Right lets try again then" once again she pulled back the syringe giving it a tug... nothing. Then again and.....voila it began to bleed.
"I knew it would work eventually" I grinned. "Thank god for that I was not looking forward to any needles especially as I have no veins". She smiled and filled up the vials with my blood which was trickling slowly into them.
"Right lets get you weighed Loraine" she took me over to the scales...another three pounds weight loss now at eleven stone.  "Mm, you've lost another three pounds how's your appetite?"
"Non existent in all honesty but I'm drinking plenty" I quickly added.
"Okay well you are still a healthy weight so nothing to get too concerned about at the minute.  If you are feeling really rubbish though Loraine I can get you in to see a doctor".
"No we don't have time today to be honest we're off to Manchester to see the medium Sally Morgan tonight and we need to be checking in at two so its fine".  The thought of the registrar Virgil seeing me like this put the fear of god in me because I knew he would take one look and admit me straight away.
"Okay if you're sure. Any problems give us a ring if not I might see you on the day case unit I'm down there tomorrow".
"Okay bye then" I got up from the chair and pulled back the curtain and there was Liz the nurse I normally see on pre-assessment. A bright smile and "hiya" quickly faded and was replaced by a frown and a "You look dreadful". Alarm bells started ringing there was no way I was gonna let her admit me either.
"I'm fine just really tired. I didn't sleep too well last night Liz and I'm bloody cold I can't warm up,"  she seemed to accept this explanation and gave me a hug.
"Well you take care. Lee make sure you look after her!"
"I will Liz don't worry".  I practically ran out of the clinic in case I bumped into anyone else that might want to admit me.  I fell asleep in the car on the way to go pick my medication up from home.
"Loraine," lee stroked my arm gently waking me from my sleep. "Listen we don't have to be in Manchester until six so why don't you go for a couple of hours sleep. I'll get you up at two and we can set off then?"
"Are you sure you don't mind?"
"I wouldn't suggest it if I did. You look worn out I would much rather take you to Manchester later and have you feeling better".
"Okay. But don't let me sleep any later than two" I warned him. "We don't want to hit the teatime rush hour do we? Could you turn the heating up too, I'm bloody freezing, I complained."
"Okay I'll wake you I'll get your medication in the car now you go up and lie down".  He gave me a kiss and I headed up to bed.
As promised Lee woke me at 2 o'clock and we got in the car switched on the Tom tom and headed to Manchester.  I would highly recommend the Tom Tom Live, we got there with no mistakes in an hour and six minutes and parked up in the car park adjacent to the hotel.  I knew there was a charge for parking of £9 per day because it had stated that on the website and there was a large notice saying please make sure all tickets are displayed in the window of your vehicle... but as we got out.. there was no sign of a ticket machine. A car pulled up just as we stood there looking puzzled around us for a ticket machine. "Ask that guy there" I suggested and Lee went over to chat with him.
"He says we get a ticket from reception when we check in" Lee told me. "And its this way" we headed out the car park with a suitcase, overnight bag, suit and dress on hangers and my laptop. We looked like we were staying for a week!! That's what happens when you're a stoma patient there's so many what ifs you have to come prepared. We were only here overnight but I needed two changes of clothes as I have a tendency of leaking.  I'd had to bring four stoma bags again in case of leakages, then there's the wipes, the disposable bags, adhesive remover, scissors to trim the bags to size, overnight bag, and stand.  Honestly its like moving house every time you go away!! We checked in at reception paid for the room and parking and were given a parking permit and our room key and we headed up in the lift to our room.  The room was nice and clean and tidy but nothing to write home about.
"You look shattered again" Lee pointed out as I sat on the bed. "I'll leave you to unpack and I'll go down to put the ticket in the window of the car".
"Okay" I nodded, I hung up our clothes for tonight in the wardrobe and sunk onto the bed...I was still bloody cold and all I wanted to do was sleep I felt queasy and so tired all I wanted to do was sleep. It was as I hung up my dress I realised what else I'd forgotten, tights. Shit! Lee was not going to be happy! I was still sprawled on the bed when he came back up.
"Loraine you really don't look well" he pointed out.
"I don't feel it, I'm sorry I feel so cold and tired" I apologised.
"Don't be sorry you can't help it, maybe we should just stay put?" he suggested.
"No way it cost me Fifty seven quid for two tickets Lee I'm not wasting them. I just need to lie here for a bit".
"Go for a sleep I'll go for a walk and find out where the opera house is I need a cig and its no smoking here" he pointed out. 
"Could  you do me a huge favour at the same time?" I asked.
"What you forgotten?" he smirked.
"Tights" I gave him an apologetic look.
"There's bound to be somewhere, what size, colour?"
"As thin a denier as possible, black, medium. Here's my bank card" I past him my cash card over. "Take the key with you".
"Okay, sleep well love" Lee gave me a hug and a kiss and I settled down on the bed for a sleep pulling the quilt and blanket over me. 
I had no idea how long I'd been sleeping but woke to see Lee sitting on the floor at the end of the bed watching TV. "What time is it?"
"Just after five, feel any better?" he asked.
"Still cold but not as tired".
"I got your tights they only had 60 denier though" Lee told me. "That's fine. I better start getting ready did you find the Opera House okay?"
"Yep its only ten minutes walk if we set off at quarter past seven we will be there in plenty of time. Why don't I run you a hot bath, that will warm you up and make you feel better". I nodded, it sounded like heaven. As Lee ran my bath I got fresh underwear, dressing gown, toiletries, and stoma bag kit out of the suitcase and put them in the bathroom.  The water gushed out of the taps really fast as I headed into the bathroom.  "Well the water pressure here is definitely better than our house I don't think that will take long to run" Lee pointed out and he was right. Within ten minutes the bath was full and as I lowered myself into the water I immediately began to feel better as the warmth spread through me. "God this is gorgeous" I shouted through to Lee. "Don't let me stay in for too long though especially if you want one, call me in twenty minutes".
"I will". I was actually out of the bath within fifteen minutes however as I stood up I began to feel wobbly and half fell out of the bath as the room spun around me.  Hot bath and moving too fast, recipe for disaster. I sat on the loo to compose myself wrapped in a towel.  I still felt a tad dizzy but at least I was warm now.  I set about changing my stoma bag, brushing my teeth and running a comb through my hair before exiting the bathroom in my dressing gown.
"Better?"
"Much" I forced a smile. I didn't really I felt horrid and wobbly and once more, tired.  Lee headed for the bathroom to have a shower and I began drying my hair at the dressing table.  My hair was limp and lifeless and looked shocking as it clung to my scalp. I always knew when I was ill my hair was the first to look horrid followed by my nails and two of those had broken yesterday.  I secured my hair on my head with a clip which made it look a little better and begun adding make up to my white complexion. As Lee came out of the bathroom he looked at me in the mirror, "you look much better love".
"Amazing what a bit of slap can do isn't it?" I grinned.  I pulled on my dress and my tights and then put on my new shoes. Oops... the thickness of the tights and the shoes did not go together my toes were pinched and I squirmed in them.
"They're crippling you aren't they?"
"Put it this way I may be walking back in my tights without the shoes" I told him. "They were fine in the shop but then I tried them on without tights and these are quite thick".
"Have you got anything else with you?"
"Only trainers and I doubt they will go with the dress" I laughed. "Its not far to walk, I'll cope" I added. Lee dressed in the suit we'd bought him earlier that week, he looked so sexy I couldn't resist giving him a kiss. "You are bloody gorgeous" I told him. "You look great in that suit".
"You look fab too Mrs McEvoy," Lee gave me a hug and a kiss. "Ready?"
"Ready!" I nodded determined I was gonna cheer up and enjoy the evening. The ten minute walk turned out to be more like twenty as I was walking so slow due to my shoes being so tight.  As we headed into the opera house we saw the programmes on sale and purchased two.  Then searched for a sign showing us the way to the gallery where we were seated. It turns out "the gallery" seats were at the very top of the theatre as high up as you could go. That's when I saw the stairs, stairs and yet more stairs, after fifteen I was totally exhausted. It took fifty five before we got to the top where we were seated third row from the back. I was knackered! Now, I've never been scared of heights but I must admit sitting on those seats not far from the ceiling and in such an upright position I was slightly unnerved. 
"Shall i go to the bar before it starts?" Lee asked.
"Yep but just get me a soft drink," I'd seen a few people sit down with cartons of juice "A carton of juice will do, you get a pint or whatever you fancy. Oh and some crisps I'm a bit peckish now" I grinned and Lee set off to the bar. When he came back he held out a carton of vimto, I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't keen on vimto and actually when I tasted it, it wasn't as bad as I remembered. The lights went down and the show began and there before us appeared Sally Morgan in the flesh if it hadn't been for the huge TV screen we wouldn't actually have been able to see her because we were so high up.  For those of you who are sceptical about  life after death and whether we do go on... I would highly recommend going to see a medium like Sally. Although I didn't get picked and I didn't get any messages from anyone I know that has past over there was no doubt in my mind after seeing that show life definitely does go on beyond the grave. I am totally convinced of it! And if you see someone and you're still not convinced try picking out the people she gives messages too after the show and ask them... that's what I did and it left no doubt in my mind whatsoever. I slept quite well in the hotel that night considering I wasn't in my own bed and I woke up feeling hungry on Wednesday morning. I woke Lee up at seven thirty and asked if he fancied breakfast.
"Why do you?"
"Starving" I replied.
"Well what are we waiting for lets head down for breakfast" Lee grinned I'll just go to the loo and get dressed. I popped my tablets with a glass of water before we headed down for breakfast. I helped myself to fruit juice, but couldn't stand the smell of coffee or tea today. Then I put two rashers of bacon and some beans on my plate and headed back to a table where Lee was seated. In front of him was a cup of tea and some apple juice.
"Where's your breakfast?" I asked.
"You know I can't eat as soon as I get up" Lee replied.
"Oh hell I was that hungry I just forgot"
"Its okay its nice to see you eating"
"Yes but you have to eat too" I told him.
"I can grab something later".  At that point I decided to take as long as possible with my breakfast if I took my time Lee would come round and feel like eating. So bacon and beans was followed by another glass of fruit juice, a croissant, and some cereal, none of which I finished I might add. But as I sat with my bowl of cereal Lee rose from the table and headed over to where the cooked breakfast was. Ha I knew if I waited long enough he'd get hungry I grinned as he sat down with a plate covered in tomatoes, eggs, mushrooms, two sausages, two rashers of bacon, some fried bread and some beans.
"Good glad you're eating" I grinned.  "I knew if I waited long enough you'd get hungry, and after all it is paid for" I added.
"You are sneaky at times".
"Yes but at least I got you to eat", I grinned and gave him a kiss.  "Next stop Trafford Centre".
"Are you sure you're up for a shopping trip?"
"Positive. I feel better now I've eaten. Lets go pack".
We had a blast in the Trafford centre I was so glad I had received my pension and it was sitting in my bank account.  I got Lee clothes because he was in dire need of them. I bought my very first radley bag and matching purse...two hundred and thirty quid lighter I exited John Lewis feeling very chuffed with myself. I had never paid more than sixty quid for a bag but I'd been after a radley bag for as long as I could remember and this lovely cream one with mint green lining was perfect for the summer. As we sat with a KFC a couple of hours later in the food court at the trafford centre I brought up the subject of death again. "When I go" Lee sighed I know he doesn't like me talking about it, but it needs to be discussed.
"Yes what about it"
"Make sure my Radley bag and the purse goes to your mum, I know she'll appreciate it. To my mum a bags a bag and Jenna would cover it in make up and ruin it in days if I gave it to her. Your mum will appreciate the fact that its designer and no how much it cost. So make sure it goes to her. If I do a will obviously it will be written in but I'm telling you verbally now in case I forgot. My bag and purse goes to your mum".
"That's nice, you're right she'll be overwhelmed" Lee smiled.
"And, I think as its her seventieth this year we should find out what colour bag she's after and get her one" I quickly added.
"Its a bit expensive" Lee pointed out.
"Its her seventieth its a special birthday and she's worth it".
"Well I'm sure she would really appreciate it".
"Well I'll find out what designer bags she likes when I show her mine when we go to Cyprus and we'll get her whichever make it is she likes".
"Okay if that's what you want to do".  I munched the two pieces of chicken from KFC although I didn't touch the chips, I never did like KFC chips. But the chicken was the best chicken I'd tasted in bloody ages. I could actually have eaten more. We left the trafford centre about forty minutes later after I'd spent a bit more on a new Pandora bracelet. It was a nice feeling having a bit of a splurge after such a long time of being skint.  We were on our way to St Jame's for my chemo when  I got a voicemail from St James's asking me to give them a call about my treatment. I hadn't had a signal so the call hadn't come through. "The hospital have tried calling me about my treatment" I told Lee. "I'm gonna give them a ring I need to turn the radio off". Lee switched off the radio and I rang the day case unit. "I've been left a voicemail to ring you about my treatment today its Loraine McEvoy I'm booked in for three fifteen" I told the female voice that answered the phone.
"Do you know who rang you Loraine?"
"No the message quality wasn't that good I can tell you it was sister but not sure of the next name" I added.
"Okay let me find whoever it was and I'll ask them to call you back, okay"
"Well we're on our way there so can you make it sooner rather than later?" I asked.
"Oh right, okay leave it with me I'll ask them to ring you straight away" she replied. Thanking her I disconnected.
"There's a problem with my appointment" I told Lee but the sister i need to talk to wasn't around she's gonna ask her to call back as soon as she can. Hopefully the phone call will come before we get there" as I spoke my phone began ringing. "its them" i said and answered the mobile.
"Hi Loraine speaking"
"Hi Loraine this is Sister Fiona. I've been trying to get hold of you on your mobile since this morning"
"Yes sorry the signal on my phone is pretty poor its picked it up on voicemail but only just delivered the message now" I apologised.
"I left a message on your home phone too" she added.
"We've been away for the night" I told her feeling like a naughty school girl because I'd missed her call.
"Oh right, well I've got you now. Your treatments been cancelled love"
"WHY?" I practically shouted down the phone at her I was feeling okay now.
"Your bloods came back I'm afraid your white cell count is too low. Well when I say too low its almost non existent"
"Oh right. Is there anything I can do to bring it up?"
"No its a side effect of chemotherapy I'm afraid it kills the good cells as well as the bad. What I need to stress to you is because your white cells are almost non existent it means you're extremely vulnerable to infection. Have you been feeling more tired than normal lately?"
"Yes since Friday I've felt exhausted"
"That's because your white count is down. The best thing you can do is sleep sleep and more sleep. You need to stay put if you can the slightest sneeze or cough on you could land you in hospital. We've booked you back in for clinic on the 20th to see Dr Jagdev but until then you won't have any treatment and that should give your cells time to recover".
"Oh, okay thanks"... it suddenly made sense, the nausea, the tiredness, the coldness I'd been feeling at least now I had some answers. 
"I'll send the appointment out to you in the post"
"Okay thanks". I disconnected the call and turned to Lee. "Give me the sat nav I'll programme it for home we're not off to the hospital" I told him and he handed me the sat nav and i programmed it to take us to our address. 
"What did they say?"
"My bloods are back and the white cells are too low to proceed with treatment so its been cancelled I'll go back to clinic on the 20th until then rest, rest and more rest. She said I'll be more tired than usual and I've to try and stay put because I'll be vulnerable to infection. She also added its not just low its practically non existent".
"Anything you can do to boost it?"
"Nope she said its a side effect and I just have to wait it out" I explained. "So lets head to mum and dads first and I can explain it to them then we'll go home".
"Okay love no problem. At least now we know this hasn't been a chemo effect its just due to your blood count".
"Yep true"  I smiled.
For the next full week I spent most of my days sleeping I would get up late morning and be back in bed come three o'clock this went on right through until the fourteenth I've never felt so horrendous. Then I began being sick again, and my appetite disappeared and the stomach cramps started. When I say stomach cramps i was in bloody agony. But come Friday the sixteenth i was determined to make an effort when Logan came to visit as I'd pretty much slept through the previous two. So we arranged to go bowling. I told Logan to invite his girlfriend Charlotte and arranged to meet Vicki and Jack my friends from work there as well. Come that evening i was sooo looking forward to it. We were five minutes away from the bowling alley when I got a call on my mobile it was Jack. 
"Loraine, there's a problem its closed for refurbishment" jack told me.  I indicated to lee to pull over.
"You are joking?"
"Nope afraid not there's a notice outside me and Vicki are stood here now"
"Oh bloody hell."
"So what else do you want to do?"
"Well there's not a lot available is there, we've already eaten what about the cinema?"
"What do you want to go watch?"
"I don't know whats on in all honesty Jack".
"Nope me neither. Listen you guys head to the cinema, ring us when you get there let us know whats on and we'll go from there. We'll set off in that direction now and see you there in about half an hour".
"Okay Jack speak to you in a bit" I told him and turned to Lee and Logan and Charlotte.
"The bowling alleys closed for refurbishment so we can't go there. What about going to the cinema instead?" I asked. "I don't know what else there is we can do in Wakefield but I'm open to suggestions if you have any?" I added.
"Cinemas fine if there's anything on to watch" Logan replied. "That okay with you Charlotte"
"Yes" Charlotte nodded.
"Okay with you Lee?"
"Whatever you want to do darl fine by me" Lee replied as we pulled into the cinema carpark. Then my phone rang again, again it was Jack.
"Hiya"
"Loz would you mind if we gave the cinema a miss, we'll do something with you another day, only we don't fancy the cinema really and I know you're stuck because you've got Charlotte and Logan with you?"
"No that's fine Jack. We will see you another time. I'm really sorry though. I was looking forward to tonight".
"Aw, we were too Loz but we'll re-arrange it okay mate?"
"Okay Jack talk to you later".  We headed into the cinema and looked at the cinema listings it was seven o'clock now the next film available was seven twenty The Devil Inside all the others didn't start until after eight. I turned to the kids and Lee, me and horrors don't get on very well. But, I knew they would all want to see The Devil Inside.
"Mm not much choice is there" I murmured.
"Can we see the devil inside?" I had been waiting for that question from Logan and he laughed as he looked at my face, hoping for an ali in Charlotte I turned to her. 
"Do you like horrors Charlotte?"
"They're my favourite films" she told me grinning and my heart sank.
"I don't think you'll like it darl" Lee looked at me sympathy in his eyes.
"Mum will probably fall asleep anyway" Logan commented.
"He has got a point I fell asleep during the last one and that was good and I wanted to see it. Lets go for it, worst case scenario I won't want to go upstairs on my own and I'll be scared shitless". I added and grinned approaching the counter and bought the tickets. "Right who's for popcorn and drinks?" I asked naturally Logan was happy to accept, after some persuasion Charlotte did too and I got them both large. Lee wanted a hot dog and a drink and I got a medium popcorn and drink. Its bloody expensive at the cinema, two large popcorn, two large drinks, two medium drinks, one medium popcorn and a hotdog, thirty quid. God they make their money!!
Now I won't spoil it for anyone that hasn't yet seen the Devil Inside and wants to go see it. But I will see its the worst horror movie I've ever seen, not that I've seen many and the scariest part were some dogs barking which made me jump. It was shit!! A bit like the blair witch project for those that have seen it and expected a whole lot more!!
The following day however, I suffered for my night out, I felt shocking and pretty much spent the whole Saturday in bed only going downstairs come teatime. I had really bad stomach cramps still and I was pretty sure they were down to constipation I'd not been since Thursday. I laid up pretty much all day Saturday although I did eat, not much, only sandwiches, cereal, toast and a packet of crisps. It was just after seven on Saturday night when I realised that as I couldn't get the food out one way it was going to come up the other way. I have never been so violently sick. When I say sick it looked like something out of a horror movie. There was sick down the bathroom door all over the floor and the bath all over the toilet it was even down the walls. Lee can clean everything and I can honestly say its the first time I've ever seen him look green and be near to being sick himself.  I can honestly say after that though I felt so much better. After several laxitives I finally went to the toilet the following day.  But, it was on the Monday morning whilst emptying my night bag down the toilet that I suddenly understood. My urine stank, it was orange and the bag was having trouble draining because my urine was so thick... why hadn't it occured to me sooner. I had a urine infection!! It was obvious why it hadn't dawned on me sooner I had no idea, but the stomach cramps the sickness, the hot and coldness, the tiredness even it made sense. Yes it could be down to the low white cell count but it could also be down to another urine infection.  
"Right appointment tomorrow" I told Lee that morning. "I've got a urine infection, it stinks its obvious I don't know why I didn't see it sooner."
"Well when we go tomorrow you make sure you tell her everything and if you don't I will."
"Don't worry love I will I need to this pain is really sore."
So this morning we headed to clinic I had my hospital bag and all my medication packed in a bag in the car ready because I honestly thought they may keep me in. At least I had an early appointment which meant we shouldn't be waiting long.  Andrea one of the clinic nurses called me for weigh in. I'd dropped another two pound since last week which I was certainly pleased with I'm under eleven stone now.
"Right I need you to go get your bloods done".
"There's a problem with that Andrea, I've got a PICC line I normally see pre-assessment but they haven't made an appointment for me again".
"Come with me lets see if we can get you sorted" Andrea replied and led me to the pre assessment team.
"Wait here for me just going for bloods" I told Lee and followed Andrea down the corridor. Andrea asked nicely if they could squeeze me in. Liz saw it was me and smiled.
"Yep we're quiet just now we'll fit her in" Liz smiled. "Come take a seat Loraine".
"Lets hope it behaves" I smiled.
"It bloody better" she grinned. 
"Hey you know how last time I came you said I looked terrible.."
"I'm really subtle like that" she laughed.
"Yep well you were right low white cell count treatment was cancelled"
"Are you down for chemo tomorrow?"
"Yep but I've got a urine infection I think so not sure what they will do".
"If its infected they won't go ahead darling, I'll tell you that now".
"I'll prepare for the worst then eh?"
"I would love" Liz flushed my PICC line with saline and we waited as she pumped the syringe on the third time the blood began to flow.
"Whey, we have lift off" I smiled. It trickled slowly into the vial and when I say slowly I mean slowly. It took ten minutes to fill two little vials with some blood. I thanked Liz and left heading back to outpatients.  "Blood done!" I told Lee a triumphant smile on my face. "It bled back although it was on a go slow hence why we took so long. I've just seen Dr Jagdev so I think we may be going in to see her".  Ten minutes later I was called in by Dr Jagdev and led into her room.
"So how have you been?"
"Well the first cycle was fine" I told her. "Sailed through it no problem, but after day one of cycle two I felt really crappy and I was pretty sickly for a couple of days before I picked up. Then they told me about my white cell count and cancelled day eight and it made sense. Thats why I'd been so tired and sick"
"And how are you now?"
"Not too good to be honest. I've got really bad stomach pains and I'm pretty certain I have a urine infection again my urine is thicker than normal and orange in colour and stinks quite bad. And I guess that would make sense as to how I'm feeling at the minute. Tired, sickly, and achy".
"Well its been a while since we had a sample but you know you're own body and if you say you have an infection I will go with your judgement cos you probably know better than me. We'll get a sample sent off today and get it tested but I'll give you a course of anti biotics to start today for five days. However I do think we should treat the infection first. Bring you back to pre assessment next week and if everythings okay then we'll commence cycle six next week. When I say cycle six you had three cycles of Cisplatiin and this will be your third cycle of Carboplatin. So that means you will finish your chemotherapy on the 4th April. We will look at doing a CT scan mid april and then bring you back to clinic to discuss the results on the 24th. If those results shows everythings still stabilised and there's no new growths then I think we can stop treatment for a while and follow you up with three monthly CT scans. How does that sound?"
"Terrific" I replied. "I can have my life back".
"Obviously if the scan shows more growth then we will have to re-think it and we may start treatment again".
"Okay sounds good to me."
"Right we will get a sample off you before you go. I'll write up a prescription for you to start of anti biotics straight away. You need to complete the course. Next week you will come back for pre-assessment and then start cycle six on wednesday next week. When the results of the urine sample come back if its not compatitible with the anti-biotics we will ring you and get them changed okay?"
"Okay" I nodded.
"Any questions?"
"None" I grinned. "None whatsoever". I practically jumped on Lee when we left her room. "Nearly nearly over" I smiled. "We get to go to Cyprus and I get my life back".
"And I bet you can get rid of that PICC line before we go".
"Good point" I smiled.


So sorry for the long windedness of this one but that brings you all up to speed with whats been happening in my life. My chemo is nearly over and although I know one day I will die of this shitty disease lets hope its been put on hold for a while and I can get on with my life eh? Night folks x