I woke up to torrential rain and a fair bit of pain again... although at least I had got a decent nights sleep... Lorna was due in an hour at ten and Macmillan after 10. I knocked on Logan's door.
"You all ready for school?" I asked.
"Yep.."
"Why don't you find out if you can go to Sarah's earlier and I can drop you off..."
"No its fine, I have to walk to school anyway so I can walk to Sarah's"
"Well make sure you wear a coat"
"I will"
"I'm off the shower can you answer it if door goes and keep the Macmillan nurse happy til i get downstairs.
"Yes"
"Okay see you in a bit". When I got out of the shower there was no sign of Lorna or Macmillan nurse .. giving me time to get ready for her visit. I then shot downstairs to tidy up... as usual Jenna was last up and had left the house in a mess.
Lorna arrived in time to give me a hand and for that I was grateful. Logan had just said bye and left when Linda Carmichael my nurse turned up.
"Hiya you must be Loraine, I'm Linda"
"Hi please go through"... i gestured showing her the way into the living room with my hand.
"So how are you feeling first of all?"
"Okay.. up one minute down the next" I told her.
"Right so i need to go through your history first this will be documented for us and the gp's and district nurses to have access too... is that okay with you?"
"Yes that's fine, thanks"
"Can I ask what type of cancer it is i have this time>"
"Its Squamous cell carcinoma..."
"Oh.. so its the same type then"
"Yes its just spread"
"Okay... so they say its in the tissues so how is it the same"
"Well its some random cells that have floated off and what we call metastasised in several areas.."
"Well i was shocked cos my friend has it in her bones and she was given a timescale of eight maybe ten years... but i was given one of two to three years.."
"That's because when its in the soft tissue it will normally spread faster the chemo is to slow down the spread for you..."
"Right okay.. that makes sense thanks". It was an extremely enlightening chat.. Linda spoke about the hospice and I said I would like to go and have a look see what its all about. Linda asked if I'd thought about end of life care I explained that prior to Lee coming I would have said hospice away from the kids but now that Lee was coming I was unsure.. Its something I have to discuss with lee ... where he wants me to go etc if he could nurse me at home or would want to not see that side of things... I am going to discuss it when I go and see him next. Just in case. I explained I wanted a donor card because I do want to help other people after my death and the more thee better so anything that's useful and can help others can go as far as I'm concerned. I asked Linda about developing coughs and colds because I'd heard all sorts and wasn't sure what was true and what wasn't. I had guessed right though .. no contact with anyone during chemo who has a cough or a cold as it can cause severe infection... I explained I was planning my wedding for January was that gonna be a problem. She suggested i write on my invitations. "Loraine requests that you do not attend if you have a cough, cold, chickenpox or any other kind of virus that will affect her as she does not want to spend her honeymoon in St James's it is extremely important that you follow this request prior to attending. If you are unsure you can ring our wedding coordinator explain the condition you have and she will make a decision based on what you tell her."
"I hadn't thought of that"
"Well there is a few people that I have dealt with who have chosen to get married.. bear in mind i only deal with people who have incurable cancer..."
"Right.. so its not just me wanting to get married then?"
"No its not it gives you something to distract you and keeps you active and focused.. anything to distract you from the condition can only help..."
"Okay thanks".
"So how are the kids coping.." I shook my head and swallowed.
"There not Jenna's off work sick already with depression and Logan just wont discuss it I think for him if he discusses it its suddenly very real and he wants to ignore it for as long as he can"
"That's a normal reaction for someone of his age .. we can try the counselling but I would say he will talk or listen.. when he's ready. But don't struggle with him get help it is there. I would suggest that you or someone in the family makes an appointment at school and explains the situation and asks if a counsellor at school could be suggested".
"I wouldn't know what to say.. and i certainly wouldn't want to cry whilst i explained"
"You don't have too then can someone else go?"
I looked at Lorna and my mum... what about Rae? I could ask?"
"Yes I think that's a good idea" Lorna replied and my mum nodded and began to cry again.
"I'm sorry" she apologised ..
"Its okay" I smiled weakly and rubbed her back. I couldn't cope when my mum cried.. she was always my rock the strong one... there has been a massive change since her illness and I can't help but feel a little scared that my rock isn't there anymore... I have other rocks don't get me wrong but that one.. that one I could have done with...
Linda went on to discuss pain management and promptly changed my dose of morphine to tablet form day and night in a higher mg to help with the pain and explained breakthrough pain could be controlled but he liquid morphine. She prescribed anti sickness tablets... stuff to help me go to the loo as an unfortunate side effect of morphine is constipation.. last thing i need is stomach pain...and paracetamol two four times a day regularly also as a pain control.
"So i'll contact your doctors get your prescription sorted out for you to go collect along with a ds1500 once you get that photocopy it and get it sent off with your dla form and to anyone else you can think of.. okay?" I nodded. It was such a relief knowing I had back up from a professional. "So I will come out to see you at some point next week and I will stay with you until everything is sorted out.. at that point I may not do another visit until a lot later on but I'll always be at the end of the phone if you need me for anything".
"Can you come out when loraine starts her chemotherapy"
"If loraine rings to say she needs me yes I can be here" Linda replied to my mum who looked like she was about to cry again... so we said our goodbyes and Linda headed off out to the rain.
"I feel tonnes better" I beamed at my sister and my mum. They both smiled weakly unfortunately for them I think Linda's frankness had maybe drilled home their worst fears.. that I was gonna die...!!
"Next stop diary shopping and cat food " I told them both "Who's coming?" Both of them wanted too. I could not find a magnetic calendar anywhere I know you can get them its like a roll which is a whiteboard on one side and magnetic on the other it sticks to your fridge and its wipe clean for you to write stuff on... Staples ... don't stock them! Anyone who's reading this and knows where i can get one for the door of my fridge "Please do tell" I'm getting desperate. I need organising and a diary is just the half of it because I just know i will forget to look... its just dippy old me and the way i am at the minute...
Got home and I tried to ring Lee around 4pm , six his time.. no answer.. I text him.
"Are you okay? Being trying to get you.
"Hiya darl just having a bad day I just can't talk ...I love you so much Mrs Mcevoy xxxxx" although I was disappointed I broke into a grin.. Mrs Mcevoy... sounds wonderful.
"I love you too husband to be" I wrote..."Doing guest list for the wedding so I hope you will have a better day tomorrow beccause I need figures for your side and whoever you want to comexxx"
"Okay I'm listening to Bubles song "home" thats my song to you darl xxx"
I remembered hearing it whilst we were out there and I had just been playing it on you tube thinking what a lovely first dance song it would be.
"You read my mind I've just been listening to that was thinking it could be our first dance song.. thats if i'm up to dancing!! I think I may have just landed us free catering for the wedding... I already have free photos courtesy of Misssy Moo. How great am I? Love you xx"
So tomorrow afternoon I am ringing my husband to be to discuss numbers I hope he isn't having another bad day but I am sure he won't be. Night all ... talk to you tomorrow.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Sunday 4th September. Backseat Bangers!!
Woke up on Sunday determined to have a lazy day.... its amazing how busy I've been since I put my sick note into work... Lady of leisure? I wish... busy bee more like!!
Anyway I woke at eight and tidied the house and then began looking at flights to Cyprus ... i wonder... i mused....
My dad had asked me if I'd thought about going back.. and based on how down Jenna had seemed last night maybe ... just maybe we could both go...
So I did a flight search and then I looked at monarch.... tickets are "199" for 21st to 28th September... mm i wonder. So I text Rae first no point booking unless i could find somewhere for Logan.
"If I took Jenna away to Cyprus 21st to 28th Sept to Cyprus could you have Logan for me?" I text and waited.
"Yep no problem" I got back... right that's hurdle one.
Next, I sent Colleen a message.... "Can you find out on Monday if there would be any issue with me flying to Cyprus whilst I'm on the sick?"
"I can't see it being an issue I'll find out for you though and ring you Monday"
"Thanks Colleen".
Wes popped up on facebook chat.
"Hiya I'm off to cinema to see The Inbetweeners movie with Charlene and for food if you fancy it?"
"Okay i might do what time?"
"1pm I'll pick you up"
"Okay I am bored so i just might do that, knackered so off for a sleep first".
Next however I went in to talk to Jenna.
"How do you feel about Cyprus 21st to 28th September?"
"What?"
"You and me, how do you fancy it?"
"What about work?"
"I'll speak to Kay for you....well?"
"I'd love too..."
"I might surprise Lee... or should I tell him?"
"Well he might be annoyed if you don't tell him...."
"Hmm... and if I turn up and the flats a mess I'll be miffed..." I laughed... "Right I'm gonna ring him" I told her... talk to you in a bit... Oh and I'm off for food and cinema with Charlene and Wes at one if you fancy it?"
"Hmm might do" she answered sleepily.
So I rang Lee.... "Hiya chick"
"Hello husband to be... " he laughed.
"Your mum put something really nice on my facebook page" I told him and read him it.
"That's lovely... she thinks its wonderful..." he told me.
"Good anyway I've written back told her that they both need to come to the wedding... after all that might be the only chance to get to see them..."
"Yeah true"
"I haven't had a reply yet"
"She's probably not been on facebook ... she'll reply though."
"Yeah I know.... anyway I wasn't gonna tell you but how would you like two visitors in September?"
"Who?"
"Me and Jenna....21st to 28th?"
"Really?"
"Yep really.... that okay with you?"
"Its fantastic with me..." Lee replied.
"Good cos we're coming out... you have to take some time off though"
"I will don't worry!"
"Good... its a date then... I'm giddy as hell already" I laughed and Lee laughed with me.
"I'll take a night off and we can go see Luke's show and go to Boogies if you're bringing Jenna..."
"Yep she won't cost as much she hardly eats" I told him. "I need you to sort out transport though"
"No probably I'll have a word with Mark don't worry" He told me.
"Right its a plan then. We're just going through our guest list"
"Well bring the details with you and we can go through it together when you come out!"
"Hee hee nice one..can't wait..make sure they all know I'm coming out again. I'm gonna be skint but I'll be with you so who cares. And by the sounds of it I'm gonna be loaded anyway with all the grants and benefits I can claim."
"Is Jenna there?"
"I can get her"
"Go on then.."
"Jenna come talk to lee...." I yelled.
"Two minutes"
"Jenna?
"Hi Lee"
"Has Luke accepted you as a friend yet?"
"No not yet..."
"Okay well he will be doing cos I've told him he has too... if he's best man and you're maid of honour you'll be spending a lot of time together... has your mum showed you his picture".
"Yep I've seen him"
"She's done nothing but drool" I laughed.
"Not as much as my mum" Jenna giggled.
"Ha ha very funny" I retorted.
"He was telling her he loved her the other night on my phone" Lee said to Jenna. "Gonna have to keep an eye on those two"
"You know you are the only guy for me!" I told Lee.
"Good to know"
"Love you Mr Mcevoy"
"Love you Mrs Mcevoy..."
"Right I'm gonna go off to cinema with Wes and Charlene"
"Okay I'll finish my beer in the 38 degrees and get another one"
"Stop rubbing it in" Lee laughed.
"Hang on a minute" he told me..... "Jo, how do you fancy coming to a wedding?" he shouted.
"You getting married?"
"Yep.."
"Aw congratulations both of you" Jo yelled back. Jo works at Tee jays bar in Protaras.
"So you're at Tee jays?"
"Yep sun is shining and I'm about to get another beer"
"Can't be bad... right I better go get ready cos Wes is picking me up at 1 and I'm not dressed yet..."
"Okay Mrs Mcevoy have fun"
We arrived at the cinema and Charlene and Wes went for sweets and i headed for the popcorn combo and promptly dropped half a tonne of popcorn down my cleavage... not the best look in the world for anyone lol I spent the next fifteen minutes fishing it out....
Wes headed for the back of the cinema and I struggled up the steps with a wobble on due to the morphine I'd taken in the foyeur. Charlene updated her facebook and put on her status backseat banging with Wes Weaver and Loraine Mooney. Hence the title of this blog Backseat Banging.
And so to the movie I have never ever watched the Inbetweeners and for those of you who have not been I will not spoil it for you. all I will say is that is a very unique way of updating your CV and last time I looked that isn't what it was called.... and I still don't understand why the goggles and snorkel are needed so all those blokes that go watch it please please tell me lol.... and the dancing I so so want someone to teach me how to do that... unique is not the word ha ha.
Anyway I woke at eight and tidied the house and then began looking at flights to Cyprus ... i wonder... i mused....
My dad had asked me if I'd thought about going back.. and based on how down Jenna had seemed last night maybe ... just maybe we could both go...
So I did a flight search and then I looked at monarch.... tickets are "199" for 21st to 28th September... mm i wonder. So I text Rae first no point booking unless i could find somewhere for Logan.
"If I took Jenna away to Cyprus 21st to 28th Sept to Cyprus could you have Logan for me?" I text and waited.
"Yep no problem" I got back... right that's hurdle one.
Next, I sent Colleen a message.... "Can you find out on Monday if there would be any issue with me flying to Cyprus whilst I'm on the sick?"
"I can't see it being an issue I'll find out for you though and ring you Monday"
"Thanks Colleen".
Wes popped up on facebook chat.
"Hiya I'm off to cinema to see The Inbetweeners movie with Charlene and for food if you fancy it?"
"Okay i might do what time?"
"1pm I'll pick you up"
"Okay I am bored so i just might do that, knackered so off for a sleep first".
Next however I went in to talk to Jenna.
"How do you feel about Cyprus 21st to 28th September?"
"What?"
"You and me, how do you fancy it?"
"What about work?"
"I'll speak to Kay for you....well?"
"I'd love too..."
"I might surprise Lee... or should I tell him?"
"Well he might be annoyed if you don't tell him...."
"Hmm... and if I turn up and the flats a mess I'll be miffed..." I laughed... "Right I'm gonna ring him" I told her... talk to you in a bit... Oh and I'm off for food and cinema with Charlene and Wes at one if you fancy it?"
"Hmm might do" she answered sleepily.
So I rang Lee.... "Hiya chick"
"Hello husband to be... " he laughed.
"Your mum put something really nice on my facebook page" I told him and read him it.
"That's lovely... she thinks its wonderful..." he told me.
"Good anyway I've written back told her that they both need to come to the wedding... after all that might be the only chance to get to see them..."
"Yeah true"
"I haven't had a reply yet"
"She's probably not been on facebook ... she'll reply though."
"Yeah I know.... anyway I wasn't gonna tell you but how would you like two visitors in September?"
"Who?"
"Me and Jenna....21st to 28th?"
"Really?"
"Yep really.... that okay with you?"
"Its fantastic with me..." Lee replied.
"Good cos we're coming out... you have to take some time off though"
"I will don't worry!"
"Good... its a date then... I'm giddy as hell already" I laughed and Lee laughed with me.
"I'll take a night off and we can go see Luke's show and go to Boogies if you're bringing Jenna..."
"Yep she won't cost as much she hardly eats" I told him. "I need you to sort out transport though"
"No probably I'll have a word with Mark don't worry" He told me.
"Right its a plan then. We're just going through our guest list"
"Well bring the details with you and we can go through it together when you come out!"
"Hee hee nice one..can't wait..make sure they all know I'm coming out again. I'm gonna be skint but I'll be with you so who cares. And by the sounds of it I'm gonna be loaded anyway with all the grants and benefits I can claim."
"Is Jenna there?"
"I can get her"
"Go on then.."
"Jenna come talk to lee...." I yelled.
"Two minutes"
"Jenna?
"Hi Lee"
"Has Luke accepted you as a friend yet?"
"No not yet..."
"Okay well he will be doing cos I've told him he has too... if he's best man and you're maid of honour you'll be spending a lot of time together... has your mum showed you his picture".
"Yep I've seen him"
"She's done nothing but drool" I laughed.
"Not as much as my mum" Jenna giggled.
"Ha ha very funny" I retorted.
"He was telling her he loved her the other night on my phone" Lee said to Jenna. "Gonna have to keep an eye on those two"
"You know you are the only guy for me!" I told Lee.
"Good to know"
"Love you Mr Mcevoy"
"Love you Mrs Mcevoy..."
"Right I'm gonna go off to cinema with Wes and Charlene"
"Okay I'll finish my beer in the 38 degrees and get another one"
"Stop rubbing it in" Lee laughed.
"Hang on a minute" he told me..... "Jo, how do you fancy coming to a wedding?" he shouted.
"You getting married?"
"Yep.."
"Aw congratulations both of you" Jo yelled back. Jo works at Tee jays bar in Protaras.
"So you're at Tee jays?"
"Yep sun is shining and I'm about to get another beer"
"Can't be bad... right I better go get ready cos Wes is picking me up at 1 and I'm not dressed yet..."
"Okay Mrs Mcevoy have fun"
We arrived at the cinema and Charlene and Wes went for sweets and i headed for the popcorn combo and promptly dropped half a tonne of popcorn down my cleavage... not the best look in the world for anyone lol I spent the next fifteen minutes fishing it out....
Wes headed for the back of the cinema and I struggled up the steps with a wobble on due to the morphine I'd taken in the foyeur. Charlene updated her facebook and put on her status backseat banging with Wes Weaver and Loraine Mooney. Hence the title of this blog Backseat Banging.
And so to the movie I have never ever watched the Inbetweeners and for those of you who have not been I will not spoil it for you. all I will say is that is a very unique way of updating your CV and last time I looked that isn't what it was called.... and I still don't understand why the goggles and snorkel are needed so all those blokes that go watch it please please tell me lol.... and the dancing I so so want someone to teach me how to do that... unique is not the word ha ha.
Saturday 3rd September. Tripping all night long.
Phil text me saying congratulations when I woke next morning and I rang him to ask how Ali's first round of chemotherapy had gone.
I went round Phil and Ali's later that day and we had a chit chat about her chemotherapy and she showed me booklet hospital had given them with numbers in for different benefits. I wrote down the one for road tax exemption intending on using it as soon as I got home. It was two o'clock before I left theirs after telling Ali to apply for morphine as she's in a bit of pain at the minute.
"Night out tonight" I told Jenna when I got in. "Why don't you come, going out with your aunt lorna and andy for Claire's birthday a meal at that chinese first and then into town. Fancy it?"
"Well I'm going out with Adam at ten..." Jenna told me.
"Well we're meeting at eight at chinese and then going round town so you could come with us and then meet adam..."
"Okay I'll get ready then"
"Great be ready for quarter to eight and bagsy bathroom first".
"Hiya Claire" I leant forward and gave her a hug and a kiss.
"Aw its lovely to see you babe ... how you doing?"
"I have my morphine with me so I'm on the pop but I'll be high as a kite in a bit cos I necked some morphine in the taxi... its good stuff I love it" I laughed.
Claire laughed with me "I might be nicking some off you later babe. Glad you came "
"Me too I needed a night out it stops me thinking" I told her.
The Chinese was gorgeous can't remember the name but its the new place on trinity walk in Wakefield... I highly recommend it excellent grub and all you can eat for £12.95 at night and its cheaper day time. I had duck and pancakes, shredded beef with chili and rice, chow mein, chicken in black bean sauce and lots and lots of seaweed. I was in my element it was ace.
Next stop Fanny and Bacardi's.... that place is bloody excellent lots of transvestites dressed up.. my first time and what an atmosphere loads of people in fancy dress it was an excellent hour or two..bloody loved it... and best yet ... drinks 75p cos I was on lime and soda... cheap as chips lol. One of our group... sorry I can't remember his name was thrilled and couldn't believe his eyes he walked past a couple of ladies on the sofas one of whom was on her knees licking the others inside leg he couldn't believe his eyes and stopped to watch lol. ...
"You wouldn't believe what I just saw." He told us as he came back from the loo..."You wouldn't get away with that in the Icon" he laughed...
From Fanny and Bacardi's we went to the exchange and then Jenna presented us with tickets to get into Mustangs where she used to work.. free entry before 11.30 so we headed that way. Bumped into Colleen just as we were leaving... she was wearing false eyelashes with little white balls on the end...
"God they are ace" I told her. I'll be getting some of them when I loose mine!! Ha ha perfect for my wedding day!! "So do you fancy the wedding planners role?" I asked her.
"Course I do... yeah I'll organise it no worries.."
"Right that's that sorted" less work for me!!
Headed to mustangs for my Lime and soda... 40p in here great stuff... cheap night out this!!
Had a laugh and showed Claire the photo of me breast feeding Lee's cat that got a laugh I can tell you lol. She was in hysterics
We left mustangs around 1.30 headed to the pie shop for pie and peas and then got a taxi home. Fantastic night had by all!!
I went round Phil and Ali's later that day and we had a chit chat about her chemotherapy and she showed me booklet hospital had given them with numbers in for different benefits. I wrote down the one for road tax exemption intending on using it as soon as I got home. It was two o'clock before I left theirs after telling Ali to apply for morphine as she's in a bit of pain at the minute.
"Night out tonight" I told Jenna when I got in. "Why don't you come, going out with your aunt lorna and andy for Claire's birthday a meal at that chinese first and then into town. Fancy it?"
"Well I'm going out with Adam at ten..." Jenna told me.
"Well we're meeting at eight at chinese and then going round town so you could come with us and then meet adam..."
"Okay I'll get ready then"
"Great be ready for quarter to eight and bagsy bathroom first".
"Hiya Claire" I leant forward and gave her a hug and a kiss.
"Aw its lovely to see you babe ... how you doing?"
"I have my morphine with me so I'm on the pop but I'll be high as a kite in a bit cos I necked some morphine in the taxi... its good stuff I love it" I laughed.
Claire laughed with me "I might be nicking some off you later babe. Glad you came "
"Me too I needed a night out it stops me thinking" I told her.
The Chinese was gorgeous can't remember the name but its the new place on trinity walk in Wakefield... I highly recommend it excellent grub and all you can eat for £12.95 at night and its cheaper day time. I had duck and pancakes, shredded beef with chili and rice, chow mein, chicken in black bean sauce and lots and lots of seaweed. I was in my element it was ace.
Next stop Fanny and Bacardi's.... that place is bloody excellent lots of transvestites dressed up.. my first time and what an atmosphere loads of people in fancy dress it was an excellent hour or two..bloody loved it... and best yet ... drinks 75p cos I was on lime and soda... cheap as chips lol. One of our group... sorry I can't remember his name was thrilled and couldn't believe his eyes he walked past a couple of ladies on the sofas one of whom was on her knees licking the others inside leg he couldn't believe his eyes and stopped to watch lol. ...
"You wouldn't believe what I just saw." He told us as he came back from the loo..."You wouldn't get away with that in the Icon" he laughed...
From Fanny and Bacardi's we went to the exchange and then Jenna presented us with tickets to get into Mustangs where she used to work.. free entry before 11.30 so we headed that way. Bumped into Colleen just as we were leaving... she was wearing false eyelashes with little white balls on the end...
"God they are ace" I told her. I'll be getting some of them when I loose mine!! Ha ha perfect for my wedding day!! "So do you fancy the wedding planners role?" I asked her.
"Course I do... yeah I'll organise it no worries.."
"Right that's that sorted" less work for me!!
Headed to mustangs for my Lime and soda... 40p in here great stuff... cheap night out this!!
Had a laugh and showed Claire the photo of me breast feeding Lee's cat that got a laugh I can tell you lol. She was in hysterics
We left mustangs around 1.30 headed to the pie shop for pie and peas and then got a taxi home. Fantastic night had by all!!
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Friday 2nd september... the shock...
I woke up Friday with a smile on my face thinking about Lee. I'd spoken to him at midnight yesterday... 2am his time just as he finished work. Luke was with him and came on the phone for a chat along with Stefan. They all wished me well and it was such a lovely feeling knowing they were all rooting for me....
I had gotten to work on my Bucket List the previous night ...and began asking for ideas via facebook as I couldn't think of any... although my first one was jumping out of a plane which I have people working on as we speak!!
"So what else would you have loved to do??" Lee asked me as I told him about my bucket list ideas posted to my wall and the few I had come up with.
"Honestly?"
"Yes" Lee said on the other end.
"Get married... I would love to be married before I die" I told him. He went quiet...
"How do you do that?" He asked me.
"Do what?" I laughed.
"Read peoples minds"
"I don't" I laughed.
"You do ... I was going to ask you that at Christmas in front of all your family..."
"Ask me what?"
"To marry me..."
"Pardon.?"
"Loraine... will you marry me?" my turn to go quiet.
"Are you joking?"
"Loraine will you marry me?"
"Really"
"Really will you marry me/"
"Yes, yes yes" I laughed excitedly. Lee laughed too.
"Right whats your mum and dads number I'm doing this properly"
"Doing what properly?"
"Asking your dad for permission" he told me.
"Not sure how that will go" I laughed.
"Well watch this space I'll ring him later... anyway I best go we've got a few gardening jobs today"
"Okay Mr Mcevoy talk to you later"
"You certainly will Mrs Mcevoy!" Ooh that sounds so nice. I was gonna go back to sleep it was only 4am now but I couldn't I was too excited. Shower, dressed and phone calls I told myself.. concentrate.
My phone calls although they were all good news shattered my mood slightly..... last year when I went through my operation for my first lot of cancer I only got half pay from work due to the time I'd worked there. As a result I got into arrears with my mortgage and every benefit i applied for i got turned down for too. Had I not have been so stressed about money maybe just maybe my cancer wouldn't have come back.
I spoke with Jane a really nice woman at Wakefield council who told me about mortgage rescue
a scheme designed to help those that can't work due to sickness and are in arrears. They purchase your home at 90% of the valuation and then rent it back to you.
The other option was breathing space which is an interest free loan over three years which they would award and then use to pay off arrears on my mortgage and any future mortgage payments for the duration of the loan and then at the end of three years you need to pay it back in full.
"Mm doubt I'll be here in three years so that's not a good one to go for " I sighed.
"Okay well either way I'm sure we can help with the mortgage any arrears and any other debts you have. Why don't you come down and see us at the springs in Wakefield and we can go through everything together?" she suggested.
"Sounds like a good plan. What happens if i go for the mortgage rescue but the the 90% valuation doesn't cover my costs cos you value it lower... will there be a fee?"
"No you pay nothing at all Loraine "
"Wow, okay I want to look at that further then"
"That's fine I will ring my colleague Geraldine to see if she's available Tuesday and then we can make an appointment, is that okay and I'll ring you back?"
"Yep that's brilliant thanks so much".
That afternoon the phone rang it was my dad from his mobile... he never uses it....
"Did you know that Lee was going to ring me?"
"I had a feeling he might be..." I replied coyly.
"How do you feel?" he asked me.
"Extremely happy haven't been able to stop smiling" I told him.
"Well that's the main thing then. Glad you are happy"
"Thanks for being nice dad"
"As long as it makes you happy its fine with me" he replied. Then the house phone rang just as my dad disconnected from my mobile.
"Hello Mrs Mcevoy" I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Hello Mr Mcevoy... we're getting married" I screeched.
"I know and I can't wait... how about January?"
"I will still be having treatment I might not have any hair...."
"It doesn't matter.. I want to marry you not your hair".
"Okay January then. Can't wait."
"Me neither..." I smiled and I just knew that Lee was smiling too. "Things are looking up its amazing all the benefits you can get when you mention the T word" I told him.
"Really?"
"yep really i even get a refund on road tax how cool is that" I laughed. "I'd give it all back though if i could have ten years with you"
"you will have ten years... positive thinking remember?"
"yes I know right I'm gonna go and post on facebook I'm getting married I've been bursting since you asked me to tell and now i can".
The phone calls just kept on coming once the post went on.... my friends and family were either texting ringing or popping up on facebook, I didn't get one single negative comment they were all pleased as punch for me.
I started looking at wedding venues after all my phonecalls to enquire about benefits were over. But they were really expensive... I'll find somewhere though ... cheap but not cheap and nasty! I wanted it all to be perfect.... if only I had some money....
Ping... it was like a lightbulb had switched on when I remembered the conversation I'd had with Lisa from my HR department.
"Well you have paid into the pension for the last two years so I have requested the figures for you. Because you could perhaps even look at ill health retriement".
"Really?"
"Yes it could perhaps give you a small pension each month or a lump sum payment..."
Thinking back to that conversation... HSBC... I had worked there for 12 years before being made redundant my pension was frozen... (I don't mean its in the freezer) perhaps I could get a lump sum from them or take my pension. I began ransacking the house for paperwork and eventually I found a phone number and gave it a ring.
"Sorry to hear that Miss Mooney" the operator empathised with me. "I can send you out the paperwork first class and we due to the situation i can't see it being a major issue.
"Okay thanks".
"I'll get it through as quick as I can you just fill out the paperwork and send it back then we can look into the rest".
"Thanks" I put the phone down a lot happier this meant I could spend the money on our wedding.... ooh this was gonna be great!
I had gotten to work on my Bucket List the previous night ...and began asking for ideas via facebook as I couldn't think of any... although my first one was jumping out of a plane which I have people working on as we speak!!
"So what else would you have loved to do??" Lee asked me as I told him about my bucket list ideas posted to my wall and the few I had come up with.
"Honestly?"
"Yes" Lee said on the other end.
"Get married... I would love to be married before I die" I told him. He went quiet...
"How do you do that?" He asked me.
"Do what?" I laughed.
"Read peoples minds"
"I don't" I laughed.
"You do ... I was going to ask you that at Christmas in front of all your family..."
"Ask me what?"
"To marry me..."
"Pardon.?"
"Loraine... will you marry me?" my turn to go quiet.
"Are you joking?"
"Loraine will you marry me?"
"Really"
"Really will you marry me/"
"Yes, yes yes" I laughed excitedly. Lee laughed too.
"Right whats your mum and dads number I'm doing this properly"
"Doing what properly?"
"Asking your dad for permission" he told me.
"Not sure how that will go" I laughed.
"Well watch this space I'll ring him later... anyway I best go we've got a few gardening jobs today"
"Okay Mr Mcevoy talk to you later"
"You certainly will Mrs Mcevoy!" Ooh that sounds so nice. I was gonna go back to sleep it was only 4am now but I couldn't I was too excited. Shower, dressed and phone calls I told myself.. concentrate.
My phone calls although they were all good news shattered my mood slightly..... last year when I went through my operation for my first lot of cancer I only got half pay from work due to the time I'd worked there. As a result I got into arrears with my mortgage and every benefit i applied for i got turned down for too. Had I not have been so stressed about money maybe just maybe my cancer wouldn't have come back.
I spoke with Jane a really nice woman at Wakefield council who told me about mortgage rescue
a scheme designed to help those that can't work due to sickness and are in arrears. They purchase your home at 90% of the valuation and then rent it back to you.
The other option was breathing space which is an interest free loan over three years which they would award and then use to pay off arrears on my mortgage and any future mortgage payments for the duration of the loan and then at the end of three years you need to pay it back in full.
"Mm doubt I'll be here in three years so that's not a good one to go for " I sighed.
"Okay well either way I'm sure we can help with the mortgage any arrears and any other debts you have. Why don't you come down and see us at the springs in Wakefield and we can go through everything together?" she suggested.
"Sounds like a good plan. What happens if i go for the mortgage rescue but the the 90% valuation doesn't cover my costs cos you value it lower... will there be a fee?"
"No you pay nothing at all Loraine "
"Wow, okay I want to look at that further then"
"That's fine I will ring my colleague Geraldine to see if she's available Tuesday and then we can make an appointment, is that okay and I'll ring you back?"
"Yep that's brilliant thanks so much".
That afternoon the phone rang it was my dad from his mobile... he never uses it....
"Did you know that Lee was going to ring me?"
"I had a feeling he might be..." I replied coyly.
"How do you feel?" he asked me.
"Extremely happy haven't been able to stop smiling" I told him.
"Well that's the main thing then. Glad you are happy"
"Thanks for being nice dad"
"As long as it makes you happy its fine with me" he replied. Then the house phone rang just as my dad disconnected from my mobile.
"Hello Mrs Mcevoy" I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Hello Mr Mcevoy... we're getting married" I screeched.
"I know and I can't wait... how about January?"
"I will still be having treatment I might not have any hair...."
"It doesn't matter.. I want to marry you not your hair".
"Okay January then. Can't wait."
"Me neither..." I smiled and I just knew that Lee was smiling too. "Things are looking up its amazing all the benefits you can get when you mention the T word" I told him.
"Really?"
"yep really i even get a refund on road tax how cool is that" I laughed. "I'd give it all back though if i could have ten years with you"
"you will have ten years... positive thinking remember?"
"yes I know right I'm gonna go and post on facebook I'm getting married I've been bursting since you asked me to tell and now i can".
The phone calls just kept on coming once the post went on.... my friends and family were either texting ringing or popping up on facebook, I didn't get one single negative comment they were all pleased as punch for me.
I started looking at wedding venues after all my phonecalls to enquire about benefits were over. But they were really expensive... I'll find somewhere though ... cheap but not cheap and nasty! I wanted it all to be perfect.... if only I had some money....
Ping... it was like a lightbulb had switched on when I remembered the conversation I'd had with Lisa from my HR department.
"Well you have paid into the pension for the last two years so I have requested the figures for you. Because you could perhaps even look at ill health retriement".
"Really?"
"Yes it could perhaps give you a small pension each month or a lump sum payment..."
Thinking back to that conversation... HSBC... I had worked there for 12 years before being made redundant my pension was frozen... (I don't mean its in the freezer) perhaps I could get a lump sum from them or take my pension. I began ransacking the house for paperwork and eventually I found a phone number and gave it a ring.
"Sorry to hear that Miss Mooney" the operator empathised with me. "I can send you out the paperwork first class and we due to the situation i can't see it being a major issue.
"Okay thanks".
"I'll get it through as quick as I can you just fill out the paperwork and send it back then we can look into the rest".
"Thanks" I put the phone down a lot happier this meant I could spend the money on our wedding.... ooh this was gonna be great!
Thursday 1st September.... Morphine where have you been??
On Thursday morning I woke up a bit sore on my left side again. I contemplated taking the morphine the hospital had given me but decided probably not a good idea to drive on it and looked at it and then put it back.
Lorna has arranged for me to go to hers for lunch with mum and meet up with Anne (we've known Anne for years. Lorna used to babysit for her about 28 years ago and looked after all four of her kids at one time or another). Anne has terminal cancer too. She had breast cancer first and had a mastectomy about three years ago i think and now its back and unfortunately its in her bones and again she is uncureable.
I walked in dreading seeing her in all honesty but I was pleasantly surprised at what I found when I got there. Anne was still full of life still bubbly still happy... she hadn't changed at all. At the minute her hair has thinned but she has no hair loss and doesn't need a wig. We started chatting straight away and I asked what treatment she was having.
"Just now I'm having tablets/ But I've had the infusions before Loraine so any questions fire away". The question and answer session took a while let me tell you lol.
Anne gave me a list of phone numbers for various different offices to help wtih claiming benefits.
"I'm not holding my breath Anne," I told her. "They turned me down for everything last year".
"I know love but you will find this time they are much different" she explaiined to me......
"Can I? Really" I asked her... Anne had just been telling me about how i could claim a refund on my road tax and get a tax disc to say I was exempt.....
Its amazing how much you can learn by listening to other people that have been through the treatment. It gives you and expectaton of what to expect. Anne asked about my morphine and if i was keeping up to the medicated dose. I explained i'd been hit and miss with it as i didn't know if i could drive on it. She told me driving was fine however drinkiing was a no no.
"oh right," my face fell.
"Seriously no drink but if you take it regularly trust me you won't need any", she laughed. "Make your phonecalls for your benefits asap because they will back date them to the day they received your call".
"Right I will go home and do it now then" I told her. "I'm not missing out on money " lol.
By teatime I was in heaven...... Morphine.... oh... where have you been all my life... this nice floaty feeling no pain whatsoever... its better than whacky baccy or getting pissed.
I spent the rest of the evening on a little cloud courtesy of morphine... talk about a buzz lol.
I rang my friend claire who couldn't understand a word i was saying i was that spaced out lol... so courtesy of morphine again I had the best night sleep ever!!
Lorna has arranged for me to go to hers for lunch with mum and meet up with Anne (we've known Anne for years. Lorna used to babysit for her about 28 years ago and looked after all four of her kids at one time or another). Anne has terminal cancer too. She had breast cancer first and had a mastectomy about three years ago i think and now its back and unfortunately its in her bones and again she is uncureable.
I walked in dreading seeing her in all honesty but I was pleasantly surprised at what I found when I got there. Anne was still full of life still bubbly still happy... she hadn't changed at all. At the minute her hair has thinned but she has no hair loss and doesn't need a wig. We started chatting straight away and I asked what treatment she was having.
"Just now I'm having tablets/ But I've had the infusions before Loraine so any questions fire away". The question and answer session took a while let me tell you lol.
Anne gave me a list of phone numbers for various different offices to help wtih claiming benefits.
"I'm not holding my breath Anne," I told her. "They turned me down for everything last year".
"I know love but you will find this time they are much different" she explaiined to me......
"Can I? Really" I asked her... Anne had just been telling me about how i could claim a refund on my road tax and get a tax disc to say I was exempt.....
Its amazing how much you can learn by listening to other people that have been through the treatment. It gives you and expectaton of what to expect. Anne asked about my morphine and if i was keeping up to the medicated dose. I explained i'd been hit and miss with it as i didn't know if i could drive on it. She told me driving was fine however drinkiing was a no no.
"oh right," my face fell.
"Seriously no drink but if you take it regularly trust me you won't need any", she laughed. "Make your phonecalls for your benefits asap because they will back date them to the day they received your call".
"Right I will go home and do it now then" I told her. "I'm not missing out on money " lol.
By teatime I was in heaven...... Morphine.... oh... where have you been all my life... this nice floaty feeling no pain whatsoever... its better than whacky baccy or getting pissed.
I spent the rest of the evening on a little cloud courtesy of morphine... talk about a buzz lol.
I rang my friend claire who couldn't understand a word i was saying i was that spaced out lol... so courtesy of morphine again I had the best night sleep ever!!
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Wes's visit 31.08.2011
Wednesday. Quite a good day today.
Spoke to Missy moo first thing, who cheered me up no end and I'm starting on my Bucket list... First things first jumping out of a plane... parachute, sky dive whatever I wanna jump out of a plane. But, someone said, what happens if it goes wrong... well i hit the ground die instantly and save myself some pain and discomfort at least I'll go out with a bang!!! Lol.
Discussion with Missy Moo re jon beesley (her friend the undertaker who's barbecue I went to not long ago) "Jon says anytime you want a discussion re funerals etc he'll be there to give you advice..." now don't think she's being morbid or anything I did ask her to speak to Jon..... "he says he's your friend and he'll help in any way he can" she told me. ...
"Oooh I can so feel a fifty percent discount coming on!!!"
Spoke to Lee who in turn let me talk to Luke his friend who I met whilst I was out in Cyprus. "I'm so sorry to hear your news" He told me.
"So how do you feel about paragliding?" I asked him, he started laughing... "You're nuts" he laughed...
"I know I've made friends with an undertaker in the hope I can get fifty percent off" I joked.
"You are one mad lady..." he told me.
"Nah just organised... look after Lee for me yeh"
"Course I will, promise" he told me.
Lee came back on the phone asked about my plans I explained Wes was coming up to see me my friend for work and I was gonna get him to help me create my blog cos I had no idea what to do. I asked about JB. JB is Lee's kitten approximately 12 weeks and it thinks I'm his mum... as I found out when I woke up to him trying to breast feed from my boob!!! Surprising to say the least lol.
"Well I think JB is a girl" Lee told me.
"Why?"
"Well he is either a she or he is gay cos I got home to Loui giving him one!" Lee laughed. Sooo... he is now a she but Lee keeps calling the she a he cos he keeps forgetting. Hope you follow that one lol.
So Wes my mate from work turns up and we have a chin wag and sort out this blog page (which takes a while cos neither one of us seems to know what we're doing lol...) then I decide wine is needed so Wes takes me to the co op and we go shopping. At which point Wes decides to get a scratch card and I decide thats not such a bad idea cos I must surely be due a lottery win.... We agree to share the profits of any win and get into the car to scratch our cards and Wes lends me a penny. We drop £3 and get three more tickets a £2 one and a £1 one. Wes trundles back to the co op and comes back and we win another two pound so at this point i get out the car and follow him back into the co op. We buy two more tickets and win another £4 so we pocket a pound each buy another two tickets and drop £10. Happy at being a fiver up each we go back to the car.
From now on every visit from wes we're buying scratchcards cos I am still due that lottery win!!!
Spoke to Missy moo first thing, who cheered me up no end and I'm starting on my Bucket list... First things first jumping out of a plane... parachute, sky dive whatever I wanna jump out of a plane. But, someone said, what happens if it goes wrong... well i hit the ground die instantly and save myself some pain and discomfort at least I'll go out with a bang!!! Lol.
Discussion with Missy Moo re jon beesley (her friend the undertaker who's barbecue I went to not long ago) "Jon says anytime you want a discussion re funerals etc he'll be there to give you advice..." now don't think she's being morbid or anything I did ask her to speak to Jon..... "he says he's your friend and he'll help in any way he can" she told me. ...
"Oooh I can so feel a fifty percent discount coming on!!!"
Spoke to Lee who in turn let me talk to Luke his friend who I met whilst I was out in Cyprus. "I'm so sorry to hear your news" He told me.
"So how do you feel about paragliding?" I asked him, he started laughing... "You're nuts" he laughed...
"I know I've made friends with an undertaker in the hope I can get fifty percent off" I joked.
"You are one mad lady..." he told me.
"Nah just organised... look after Lee for me yeh"
"Course I will, promise" he told me.
Lee came back on the phone asked about my plans I explained Wes was coming up to see me my friend for work and I was gonna get him to help me create my blog cos I had no idea what to do. I asked about JB. JB is Lee's kitten approximately 12 weeks and it thinks I'm his mum... as I found out when I woke up to him trying to breast feed from my boob!!! Surprising to say the least lol.
"Well I think JB is a girl" Lee told me.
"Why?"
"Well he is either a she or he is gay cos I got home to Loui giving him one!" Lee laughed. Sooo... he is now a she but Lee keeps calling the she a he cos he keeps forgetting. Hope you follow that one lol.
So Wes my mate from work turns up and we have a chin wag and sort out this blog page (which takes a while cos neither one of us seems to know what we're doing lol...) then I decide wine is needed so Wes takes me to the co op and we go shopping. At which point Wes decides to get a scratch card and I decide thats not such a bad idea cos I must surely be due a lottery win.... We agree to share the profits of any win and get into the car to scratch our cards and Wes lends me a penny. We drop £3 and get three more tickets a £2 one and a £1 one. Wes trundles back to the co op and comes back and we win another two pound so at this point i get out the car and follow him back into the co op. We buy two more tickets and win another £4 so we pocket a pound each buy another two tickets and drop £10. Happy at being a fiver up each we go back to the car.
From now on every visit from wes we're buying scratchcards cos I am still due that lottery win!!!
D-Day 30th August 2011.
Missy Moo as I call her actual name Sue Copeman turned up at mine at 8am on Tuesday 30th August to take me to St James Hospital. I was scared shitless, jittery, couldn't eat and it took me ages to actually get bloody dressed let alone do anything else. We were on the road by nine heading to St James's it was relatively straight forward traffic wise and we arrived at 9.30 parked up and walked into the Bexley Wing and headed up the stairs to suite 2 to see Mr Chester the oncologist.
Sue leant me her i phone so i could play pairs to try and keep my mind from wandering cos by ten am I was a jittery mess. They took me to be weighed and have my height checked then i went back to sit down....
By eleven I was still waiting to be seen.... Sue went to ask how much longer and explained we were both thirsty and starving.. (no drinks machine even in the waiting area... something I am going to campaign to change when i start treatment... lol). "Come on you're next but she says we have time to go downstairs and get coffee...." so we trundled downstairs to Costa and queued for what seemed like eternity.... I bloody hate queues... Just saying!!
We trundled back upstairs and sat again for what seemed like another hour actually it was forty minutes and then a woman looking about 22 came out to get us and introduced herself as Fiona Collinson...( um I think that was her name lost my bit of paper already) I am so shit with loosing stuff just now!!
She asked about everything that had happened so far asked about my home life and who lived with me I explained I was on my own with two kids and I was worried about the financial aspect of having time off work as I already had huge mortgage arrears....
"Well we can get in touch with macmillan and get them involved in helping you with regards to benefits etc etc. Is there anything else thats concerns you at the moment?"
"Yes my kids they're not handling this too well so I want them to have help, counselling etc they didn't get any last time..." I explained.
"Okay and have you had any pain, nausea anything like that?"
"I'm not sleeping.... haven't for ages I got some sleeping tablets.. they're crap I told her. And this pain in my arm is getting really bad ..."
"What sort of pain?"
"Its like toothache I can barely drive with it sometimes i can't even change gear or use the handbrake it gets that bad"
"Well that can happen your pain can radiate.... so we can give you morphine to help with the pain..."
"Okay
"Right so with regards to chemotherapy I can go through bits of it with you today and then you can come back for the rest its up to you as to how much you want to know"
"Everything tell me the lot and I will come back and ask more before treatment"
"Okay. So as you know we were going to discuss with the surgical team the possibility of surgery and chemotherapy and whether or not that was an option..."
"Yes" I nodded.
"They had a meeting about you last week and unfortunately due to the cancer being in the tissues around the bowel surgery isn't an option..."
"Okay"
"And what I have to tell you that is although we can give you chemotherapy... its not going to be a cure..." I stared at her... finally dumbstruck and I swear my stomach hit the floor.
"And if I decided no chemotherapy... what would be the result of that and how long would I have?"
"Its hard to say...."
"Worst case scenario give me an average..." I told her.
"Three to six months" she answered I think at that point I went pale swallowed hard and prepared for my next question...."And with it? If I have chemotherapy... how long?"
"Two maybe three years"
"So, I won't see forty five?"
"Its doubtful... "
I cried and Sue cried as I digested that little titbit of news. Not what I wanted to hear.... I looked at Sue... "Bang goes my emigrating plans to cyprus then..." Sue looked at me and the consultant looked puzzled.
"Loraine met a fella in Cyprus, he's english back in april she was hoping to move out there in April next year.." Sue explained.
"Well your first cycle of treatment will be approximately four and a half months if you go ahead...."
"So I could go back for a holiday then?"
"I don't see why not after your treatment you will probably need a holiday... but with regards to getting your treatment out there..., I doubt that will be possible..."
"How am I gonna tell the kids...., how am i gonna tell lee?"
"We just have too..." Sue held my hand and squeezed it.
"Okay... best get on with it then eh?"
"The nurse will go through as much as you want to know now book treatment etc for you if you decide to go ahead but I want to see you again in two weeks so we can have another chat, okay?"
"I nodded"
"Its a lot to take in and we can go as slowly as you want..."
"I don't want to be poorly for my birthday... my fortieth was crap I was in hospital ill and felt like crap I want this year to have a good birthday... So can we delay treatment til after that..."
"If thats what you want.. then yes we can... at the moment the cancer is contained so we're not overly worried about starting treatment immediately but I do want you to have a bone scan make sure the pain in your arm isn't anything in your bones."
"Fine... and can I move treatment to pinderfields or dewsbury, nearer home?"
"No it has to be here I'm afraid the chemotherapy you're having isn't available at pinderfields or dewsbury. We can arrange transport for you if its an issue..."
"Okay."
We finally left St James's at oneish o'clock and I made the dreaded phonecall to lee. He took it quite well ... or I thought he did. Then I heard the cracks in his voice and realised that it had come as a massive shock to him as well.
Next stop was mum and dads and telling Jenna, my sister and Logan. I summoned rae (my ex husband) to my mums and asked him to bring logan.
I think my mum and dad knew before I spoke in all honesty.. my dad just looked at my face and said "I take it its bad news then..." I nodded.
That day I can honestly say was the worst of my life... but I can honestly say it has to get better.....
Sue leant me her i phone so i could play pairs to try and keep my mind from wandering cos by ten am I was a jittery mess. They took me to be weighed and have my height checked then i went back to sit down....
By eleven I was still waiting to be seen.... Sue went to ask how much longer and explained we were both thirsty and starving.. (no drinks machine even in the waiting area... something I am going to campaign to change when i start treatment... lol). "Come on you're next but she says we have time to go downstairs and get coffee...." so we trundled downstairs to Costa and queued for what seemed like eternity.... I bloody hate queues... Just saying!!
We trundled back upstairs and sat again for what seemed like another hour actually it was forty minutes and then a woman looking about 22 came out to get us and introduced herself as Fiona Collinson...( um I think that was her name lost my bit of paper already) I am so shit with loosing stuff just now!!
She asked about everything that had happened so far asked about my home life and who lived with me I explained I was on my own with two kids and I was worried about the financial aspect of having time off work as I already had huge mortgage arrears....
"Well we can get in touch with macmillan and get them involved in helping you with regards to benefits etc etc. Is there anything else thats concerns you at the moment?"
"Yes my kids they're not handling this too well so I want them to have help, counselling etc they didn't get any last time..." I explained.
"Okay and have you had any pain, nausea anything like that?"
"I'm not sleeping.... haven't for ages I got some sleeping tablets.. they're crap I told her. And this pain in my arm is getting really bad ..."
"What sort of pain?"
"Its like toothache I can barely drive with it sometimes i can't even change gear or use the handbrake it gets that bad"
"Well that can happen your pain can radiate.... so we can give you morphine to help with the pain..."
"Okay
"Right so with regards to chemotherapy I can go through bits of it with you today and then you can come back for the rest its up to you as to how much you want to know"
"Everything tell me the lot and I will come back and ask more before treatment"
"Okay. So as you know we were going to discuss with the surgical team the possibility of surgery and chemotherapy and whether or not that was an option..."
"Yes" I nodded.
"They had a meeting about you last week and unfortunately due to the cancer being in the tissues around the bowel surgery isn't an option..."
"Okay"
"And what I have to tell you that is although we can give you chemotherapy... its not going to be a cure..." I stared at her... finally dumbstruck and I swear my stomach hit the floor.
"And if I decided no chemotherapy... what would be the result of that and how long would I have?"
"Its hard to say...."
"Worst case scenario give me an average..." I told her.
"Three to six months" she answered I think at that point I went pale swallowed hard and prepared for my next question...."And with it? If I have chemotherapy... how long?"
"Two maybe three years"
"So, I won't see forty five?"
"Its doubtful... "
I cried and Sue cried as I digested that little titbit of news. Not what I wanted to hear.... I looked at Sue... "Bang goes my emigrating plans to cyprus then..." Sue looked at me and the consultant looked puzzled.
"Loraine met a fella in Cyprus, he's english back in april she was hoping to move out there in April next year.." Sue explained.
"Well your first cycle of treatment will be approximately four and a half months if you go ahead...."
"So I could go back for a holiday then?"
"I don't see why not after your treatment you will probably need a holiday... but with regards to getting your treatment out there..., I doubt that will be possible..."
"How am I gonna tell the kids...., how am i gonna tell lee?"
"We just have too..." Sue held my hand and squeezed it.
"Okay... best get on with it then eh?"
"The nurse will go through as much as you want to know now book treatment etc for you if you decide to go ahead but I want to see you again in two weeks so we can have another chat, okay?"
"I nodded"
"Its a lot to take in and we can go as slowly as you want..."
"I don't want to be poorly for my birthday... my fortieth was crap I was in hospital ill and felt like crap I want this year to have a good birthday... So can we delay treatment til after that..."
"If thats what you want.. then yes we can... at the moment the cancer is contained so we're not overly worried about starting treatment immediately but I do want you to have a bone scan make sure the pain in your arm isn't anything in your bones."
"Fine... and can I move treatment to pinderfields or dewsbury, nearer home?"
"No it has to be here I'm afraid the chemotherapy you're having isn't available at pinderfields or dewsbury. We can arrange transport for you if its an issue..."
"Okay."
We finally left St James's at oneish o'clock and I made the dreaded phonecall to lee. He took it quite well ... or I thought he did. Then I heard the cracks in his voice and realised that it had come as a massive shock to him as well.
Next stop was mum and dads and telling Jenna, my sister and Logan. I summoned rae (my ex husband) to my mums and asked him to bring logan.
I think my mum and dad knew before I spoke in all honesty.. my dad just looked at my face and said "I take it its bad news then..." I nodded.
That day I can honestly say was the worst of my life... but I can honestly say it has to get better.....
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