I woke up to torrential rain and a fair bit of pain again... although at least I had got a decent nights sleep... Lorna was due in an hour at ten and Macmillan after 10. I knocked on Logan's door.
"You all ready for school?" I asked.
"Yep.."
"Why don't you find out if you can go to Sarah's earlier and I can drop you off..."
"No its fine, I have to walk to school anyway so I can walk to Sarah's"
"Well make sure you wear a coat"
"I will"
"I'm off the shower can you answer it if door goes and keep the Macmillan nurse happy til i get downstairs.
"Yes"
"Okay see you in a bit". When I got out of the shower there was no sign of Lorna or Macmillan nurse .. giving me time to get ready for her visit. I then shot downstairs to tidy up... as usual Jenna was last up and had left the house in a mess.
Lorna arrived in time to give me a hand and for that I was grateful. Logan had just said bye and left when Linda Carmichael my nurse turned up.
"Hiya you must be Loraine, I'm Linda"
"Hi please go through"... i gestured showing her the way into the living room with my hand.
"So how are you feeling first of all?"
"Okay.. up one minute down the next" I told her.
"Right so i need to go through your history first this will be documented for us and the gp's and district nurses to have access too... is that okay with you?"
"Yes that's fine, thanks"
"Can I ask what type of cancer it is i have this time>"
"Its Squamous cell carcinoma..."
"Oh.. so its the same type then"
"Yes its just spread"
"Okay... so they say its in the tissues so how is it the same"
"Well its some random cells that have floated off and what we call metastasised in several areas.."
"Well i was shocked cos my friend has it in her bones and she was given a timescale of eight maybe ten years... but i was given one of two to three years.."
"That's because when its in the soft tissue it will normally spread faster the chemo is to slow down the spread for you..."
"Right okay.. that makes sense thanks". It was an extremely enlightening chat.. Linda spoke about the hospice and I said I would like to go and have a look see what its all about. Linda asked if I'd thought about end of life care I explained that prior to Lee coming I would have said hospice away from the kids but now that Lee was coming I was unsure.. Its something I have to discuss with lee ... where he wants me to go etc if he could nurse me at home or would want to not see that side of things... I am going to discuss it when I go and see him next. Just in case. I explained I wanted a donor card because I do want to help other people after my death and the more thee better so anything that's useful and can help others can go as far as I'm concerned. I asked Linda about developing coughs and colds because I'd heard all sorts and wasn't sure what was true and what wasn't. I had guessed right though .. no contact with anyone during chemo who has a cough or a cold as it can cause severe infection... I explained I was planning my wedding for January was that gonna be a problem. She suggested i write on my invitations. "Loraine requests that you do not attend if you have a cough, cold, chickenpox or any other kind of virus that will affect her as she does not want to spend her honeymoon in St James's it is extremely important that you follow this request prior to attending. If you are unsure you can ring our wedding coordinator explain the condition you have and she will make a decision based on what you tell her."
"I hadn't thought of that"
"Well there is a few people that I have dealt with who have chosen to get married.. bear in mind i only deal with people who have incurable cancer..."
"Right.. so its not just me wanting to get married then?"
"No its not it gives you something to distract you and keeps you active and focused.. anything to distract you from the condition can only help..."
"Okay thanks".
"So how are the kids coping.." I shook my head and swallowed.
"There not Jenna's off work sick already with depression and Logan just wont discuss it I think for him if he discusses it its suddenly very real and he wants to ignore it for as long as he can"
"That's a normal reaction for someone of his age .. we can try the counselling but I would say he will talk or listen.. when he's ready. But don't struggle with him get help it is there. I would suggest that you or someone in the family makes an appointment at school and explains the situation and asks if a counsellor at school could be suggested".
"I wouldn't know what to say.. and i certainly wouldn't want to cry whilst i explained"
"You don't have too then can someone else go?"
I looked at Lorna and my mum... what about Rae? I could ask?"
"Yes I think that's a good idea" Lorna replied and my mum nodded and began to cry again.
"I'm sorry" she apologised ..
"Its okay" I smiled weakly and rubbed her back. I couldn't cope when my mum cried.. she was always my rock the strong one... there has been a massive change since her illness and I can't help but feel a little scared that my rock isn't there anymore... I have other rocks don't get me wrong but that one.. that one I could have done with...
Linda went on to discuss pain management and promptly changed my dose of morphine to tablet form day and night in a higher mg to help with the pain and explained breakthrough pain could be controlled but he liquid morphine. She prescribed anti sickness tablets... stuff to help me go to the loo as an unfortunate side effect of morphine is constipation.. last thing i need is stomach pain...and paracetamol two four times a day regularly also as a pain control.
"So i'll contact your doctors get your prescription sorted out for you to go collect along with a ds1500 once you get that photocopy it and get it sent off with your dla form and to anyone else you can think of.. okay?" I nodded. It was such a relief knowing I had back up from a professional. "So I will come out to see you at some point next week and I will stay with you until everything is sorted out.. at that point I may not do another visit until a lot later on but I'll always be at the end of the phone if you need me for anything".
"Can you come out when loraine starts her chemotherapy"
"If loraine rings to say she needs me yes I can be here" Linda replied to my mum who looked like she was about to cry again... so we said our goodbyes and Linda headed off out to the rain.
"I feel tonnes better" I beamed at my sister and my mum. They both smiled weakly unfortunately for them I think Linda's frankness had maybe drilled home their worst fears.. that I was gonna die...!!
"Next stop diary shopping and cat food " I told them both "Who's coming?" Both of them wanted too. I could not find a magnetic calendar anywhere I know you can get them its like a roll which is a whiteboard on one side and magnetic on the other it sticks to your fridge and its wipe clean for you to write stuff on... Staples ... don't stock them! Anyone who's reading this and knows where i can get one for the door of my fridge "Please do tell" I'm getting desperate. I need organising and a diary is just the half of it because I just know i will forget to look... its just dippy old me and the way i am at the minute...
Got home and I tried to ring Lee around 4pm , six his time.. no answer.. I text him.
"Are you okay? Being trying to get you.
"Hiya darl just having a bad day I just can't talk ...I love you so much Mrs Mcevoy xxxxx" although I was disappointed I broke into a grin.. Mrs Mcevoy... sounds wonderful.
"I love you too husband to be" I wrote..."Doing guest list for the wedding so I hope you will have a better day tomorrow beccause I need figures for your side and whoever you want to comexxx"
"Okay I'm listening to Bubles song "home" thats my song to you darl xxx"
I remembered hearing it whilst we were out there and I had just been playing it on you tube thinking what a lovely first dance song it would be.
"You read my mind I've just been listening to that was thinking it could be our first dance song.. thats if i'm up to dancing!! I think I may have just landed us free catering for the wedding... I already have free photos courtesy of Misssy Moo. How great am I? Love you xx"
So tomorrow afternoon I am ringing my husband to be to discuss numbers I hope he isn't having another bad day but I am sure he won't be. Night all ... talk to you tomorrow.
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