20th April - CT confusion.

I slept quite well in the hospital bed it was surprising as I don't normally. This hospital bed was definitely different to those I've been in before though, a huge improvement.  I was woken by one of the nurses to take my temperature at five thirty, it was 39.8.  Unfortunately, it was going up instead of coming down not a good sign to be getting home. I reminded the nurse looking after me that I was due to have my CT scan that day.
"We'll get it sorted don't worry. They may change the time from the original one though".
"Okay". I settled back down to sleep for a while whilst awaiting breakfast it was far too early to be up.

Two doctors called in to see me around ten o'clock.
"We have looked at the x-ray that we took Mrs McEvoy and it looks like your bowel is blocked pretty high up so we want you to carry on having the Movical sachets that you have been prescribed but we want you to have these four times a day.  We also want you to have an Enema this will hopefully unblock your bowel along with a laxative that we would like you to have this morning, okay?"
"Can I wait until after I have my CT scan?"
"Why?"
"Well if I go down for my scan and I need to go to the toilet its going to be quite embarrassing" I told them.
"I'm sure they can arrange for you to go to the toilet" one of the doctors butted in.  Luckily my nurse  Amy stepped in. "There isn't any toilets near where the CT scan area is... I think Loraine would be better to wait and have these done when she gets back from CT".
"Well you could wait for the Enema but I think she should still have the laxative... how would you feel about that?" the doctor looked at me.
"Uncomfortable... I'd rather wait until after the CT scan" I replied.
"Okay, okay if that's how you feel we will let you wait until you come back from your CT scan".
"Thanks" I smiled.
"You are to go down for your CT scan at twelve fifteen, a porter will come and get you".
"Okay thanks. And when do you think I can go home?"
"Well obviously we need to get the blockage in your bowel sorted out so that your bowel is working properly before we let you go. Then we have to get your temperature down. We suspect this is high due to another urine infection. The high dose of IV antibiotics we are giving you through your drip should sort this out. As soon as your temperature is down and your bowel is normal we can let you go home".
"Okay thanks".  The doctors left and I gave Lee a ring.
"Hi"
"Morning, how did you sleep?"
"Not bad thanks. I've had some Weetabix this morning".
"That's great love".
"My CT scan is at twelve fifteen I will drink fluids up here and then when I go down I will go straight in for the scan so there's no need for you to be here for it. Just let mum and dad come for the visit at two o'clock and you come up tonight at six o'clock".
"Okay"..
 As I put down the phone Amy my nurse came in.
"Loraine, I'm due to change over your antibiotics now but before I do that do you want a shower or anything?"
"Oh I'd love one".
"Right well I'll take this one down and clamp it off then you can have a shower and we'll keep it down until you come back from your CT scan. They will have to take it down when you go for your scan anyway".
"Okay".
"Do you need anything for the shower?"
"Just a towel please I've got everything else with me".
"Okay I'll go get those for you".  Amy re-appeared with the towel five minutes later and I headed for the shower.  It was so nice to have a shower and wash my hair without any wires or anything it felt great. However, it was then I noticed through the steam in the bathroom mirror I was yellow!!  I mean I didn't look like Sponge bob or one of the Simpson's but I definitely had a yellowy tinge to my skin. That wasn't a good sign!!  I came out of the shower dried and dressed into my jogging bottoms and  a t-shirt a little worried, Amy brought me in a jug of water and I mentioned it to her.
"When you see the doctors again, mention it to them Loraine. But, honestly I can't see it Loraine".
"Okay".

The porter arrived for my CT scan just after twelve fifteen and took me down to the x-ray department and into the CT area.  From there I was shown straight in and asked to lie on the bed, which I did.
"I'm just going to flush your cannula and make sure its working Loraine, as you know we inject a small amount of dye for your CT scan so we just need to make sure the cannula you have in is working. When was it last used?"
"It was disconnected just before I had a shower at about ten this morning", I told him.
"I'm sorry Loraine but its not working, we're going to have to try and re site the cannula for you".
"Oh god" I whinged, knowing what trouble they would have doing that.
"Its either that or we can send you back up and they can try and re site it on the ward for you then send you back down when we have another slot free?"
"No its fine you can give it a go. I have bad veins that's the problem it hurt like hell getting that one in and took eight attempts".
"Well we'll get our doctor who's pretty good and get him to have a go". I lay there nervous as hell I just knew this was gonna hurt again. 'I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry' I kept repeating to myself.  Then the doctor appeared.  "So I hear you are pretty hard to get one of these into Loraine, is that right?" he asked me.
"Yep. It sometimes takes a while" i replied.
"Well I will do my best but if I'm hurting you tell me and I will stop and we'll send you back up to the ward and bring you back down once we have got another  cannula into you".
"Okay". I took a deep breath and waited for the ultimate statement.
"Right Loraine, sharp scratch", 'it hurt' I winced but took deep breaths to try and forget about the pain as he prodded and poked my arm trying to get the cannula in.  "Its in Loraine, you can relax" .
"Is it working?"
"Appears to be. Its in a bit of a tricky spot though so I'm going to make sure its secure so that they can use it back up on the ward for you as well".
"Thanks".  I looked and saw the cannula was in the crook of my right arm, a normal spot to take blood from but unusual to put a cannula in.  The doctor must have seen my look.
"I know its in a tricky spot but its the only one I could find I'm afraid Loraine so we have to go with it I'm afraid".
"That's fine at least they won't have to redo it when I get back up to the ward".
"Okay we're going to proceed with the scan but because of the spot the cannula is in we're going to inject the dye really slowly so it may take longer than it would normally, okay".
"Okay that's fine".  I closed my eyes ready to go into the huge polo mint, well that's what it looks like in my eyes anyway. Once it starts taking the pictures I imagine its pretty much like being in a washer on a spin cycle. It does feel a little claustrophobic, hence why I close my eyes during the procedure and keep them closed.  The CT scan was over within twenty minutes and I was wheeled back outside to the waiting area, however it was full so my wheelchair was taken to a totally different area and parked up, that was at one o'clock. At quarter to two I was still sat waiting. I went and checked with a nurse and was told there was just a back log. I checked with another and was told I hadn't been put down for collection and another who said I'd been marked as being collected already. So I headed to the reception desk. It was now nearly two and I was fuming I could have walked back up to the ward in this time. "I've been waiting over an hour for a porter to take me back to my ward can you ring up to the ward and see if they have any objection to me making my own way back please?"
"Well if a porter brought you down you really should wait" I got told.
"Yep I know I should but as I said I have been sitting there for over an hour waiting for a porter visiting starts at two o'clock and I have visitors coming and I would rather be up there than down here. So, please can you make the phone call?"
"OK I'll check?"
"Thanks" I was that mad I could feel tears brewing which was daft but I just wanted to be back up on the ward.
"Loraine, I've had a word and no they haven't any objection to you making your own way back up to the ward".
"Okay, thanks". I marched off in the direction of the lift, still fuming!!

"Hi mum, Hi dad," I gave them all a kiss.
"You okay?"
"I've been waiting for over an hour downstairs for a porter to bring me back up. I've never been so bloody angry!"
"Why?"
"Who knows, probably bloody forgot me, not bloody happy though. They had to put yet another cannula in hence the new decoration"  I said showing them my right arm. 
"Oh not again"
"Yep it had bent so they couldn't get the CT fluid to go through it so they had to put a new one in, AGAIN".
"You okay?"
"Yep I'm fine can't get any worse".
"You look tired" my mum added.
"Mm well its hard to get any sleep when they check you every two hours".
"Oh love" my mum came over in my direction.
"One cuddle!" I told her.  "No more just the one". I warned her and she laughed. I'm not a cuddly person and I really hate been slobbered all over but my mum can't seem to help it lately, then to my surprise my dad gave me a kiss as well. This was unheard of, well apart from on my wedding day, where I have a photograph of him doing just that. (Blackmail material lol).
"What are we going to do about Ross's birthday, do you think you'll still be in?" My dad asked.
"I think we'd better wait until I get the results of my CT scan dad, they should be back by Tuesday once we get those then we'll have more of an idea. But If I can be there I will be. I'd already bought my £70 dress after all and I'd never spent that much i my life".
"So what are they treating you for then?"
"Well the x-ray showed a blockage in my bowel, in other words I'm severely constipated and I'm on antibiotics to bring my temperature down as I've got some kind of infection. They do think I have a urine infection but that's nothing new is it? The CT scan results will tell us more when we get those back. But, until they get my temperature down they won't let me out of hospital".
"Hows the food?"
"How do you think?" I replied pulling a face my dad laughed. My mum sat just staring at me not really saying much I knew she was worried because I was back in hospital unfortunately I had a horrible feeling that the results of this CT scan would be different, lets hope I was wrong. 

It was quarter to four when Amy my nurse appeared. 
"Loraine we need to do your enema" she reminded me.
"Lovely, I am so looking forward to it" I smiled sarcastically
"Do you want me to come back after visiting?"
"Whens that?"
"It finishes at four o'clock and its quarter to now" I looked at mum and dad.
"We can go now its not a problem that way you can get it over with..."
"You don't mind?"
"No course we don't".
"Right I will leave you to say your goodbyes and then I'll come back with the stuff you need" Amy replied.
"Thanks Amy".  Mum came over first and gave me a hug.
"I love you"
"I love you too mum"
"I hope you get a good nights sleep"
"Yes me too". Dad came forward and gave me a cuddle, two kisses in one day certainly wasn't gong to happen lol,


Dinner arrived and looked positively disgusting I wasn't hungry anyway so therefore it didn't get eaten. I went on line to talk to Missy Moo whilst waiting for Lee to arrive.
"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm fine they're looking after me" I told her. "I'm so sorry I'm going to miss your charity night tomorrow" I apologised.
"Don't be daft, and lee could always come on your behalf"
"hey I never thought of that.... not sure if he would though",
"Well I can always ask him he's just logged on to facebook should I send him a message?"
"Yep do it that way if nothing else it gets him some guy time at the pub I think he needs it".
"Me too he's really worried about you"
"I know. He's due for visiting soon" I told her. "Its amazing how much you look forward to visits when you're staring at four walls all day".
"Have you got one of those tellies about your bed?"
"Yep they're bloody expensive though £20 gets you three days of TV, telephone, Internet and certain films too, not recent ones or anything but they're reasonable enough".
"Yeah dads was expensive when he was in he refused to pay it".
"I'd go stir crazy without it Sue in this room on my own with just the en suite for company".
"Yes I bet you would at least dad had the mad heads when he was in" she laughed. I laughed with her as I remembered back to when we had gone to visit him. (When her dad John, had gone into hospital we'd gone to visit him at the Bradford Royal Infirmary.  He was in a six bed ward with an empty bed and five occupied ones. One of the guys was an alcoholic  who had an infection in his leg. They'd put leeches on his leg and bandaged over the top of them he was supposed to be on bed rest.  However, that wasn't the case John told us the tale as we sat round his bed at visiting time. "Him in the end bed" he told us. "He's supposed to be on bed rest, cos he has blood poisoning and they have leeches on his leg eating away at the infection. He waits til the doctors have been and says he's off for a walk in the grounds, he goes down the bloody pub and doesn't come back til meal times. Then last night at visiting he waited until the nurses were in the middle of a shift change and said he was off for a ciggy cos he knew they wouldn't remember. He only pissed off down the pub and came back with some tinnys, and a bird on his arm. He pulled the curtains round said he didn't want to be disturbed. Got her to climb in through the window and she spent the bloody night with the, curtains pulled round and the lot. Didn't give a toss about us out here and believe me they were making some noise" John laughed. Tears rolled down our cheeks as he'd told the tale. We'd seen it with our own eyes during the visit later on when she'd appeared with the guy in the end bed they were both half cut and she did indeed go into his cubicle and pull the curtains round and then she got into bed with him. Sue and I couldn't believe our eyes). St James's certainly wasn't as interesting."

"Hi," Lee walked into my room and lent over and gave me a kiss.
"Hiya love. I was talking to Sue earlier"
"Yes she's asked me about the pie and peas thing?"
"Yes please will you go and give them the charity money. I can give you my card and you can draw it out and put it in an envelope for them and after all she's already paid for the tickets".
"It doesn't seem right with you in here darl. Well Jenna and Sam are coming to visit tomorrow night about seven anyway so they could come and visit me and you could go there. It will do you good to have some time with the lads and chill out for a bit. There's only so much we can talk about on a night and this way you can take the money for me and we will have something to talk about tomorrow night".
"Okay, are you sure?"
"I'm positive get her rang and tell her you'll be there" I insisted. So, Lee got on his mobile and rang Sue telling her he would be going for the Pie and Peas quiz night and that he would be taking the charity donation I was making. In case I haven't explained Sue works for Harden Pre-school in Harden its a nursery for two to five year old and its not government but actually charity funded. So they rely on charity fundraisers to get new toys equipment etc for the kids. When Sue had told me about how they needed to raise £300 and they were doing a pie and peas quiz night in order to do it. I'd told her I would give her the £300 out of my pension I'd received and then they could try and use the rest of the money they raised for something else. ... So Lee was taking along my £300 donation and they would hopefully raise some money on the quiz night which was £5 a ticket to get more things for the school.  She had been overjoyed and I'd been so looking forward to going and doing the quiz but instead I was stuck here. At least Lee would enjoy it though.
"Darl, here Sue wants a quick word?" Lee handed me his mobile.
"Hi Sue".
"I meant to tell you earlier on if we raise enough money, we're going to get a buddy bench for the garden made from wood, where the kids can sit and talk if they've had an argument or something. So they can work out their differences".
"Oh that's a good idea".
"Yep I thought so, I'll let you get back to your visit with Lee and talk to you later on, okay?"
"Okay Sue night love".  I'd just put the phone down when the registrar came in to the room.
"Hi Loraine, is it okay to have a word, we have your CT results back?"
"Yep of course it is please take a seat this is my husband Lee" I introduced her.
"I'm one of the registrars working with Dr Jagdevs team" she explained.  "What your scan results have shown is that the tumour that was near to your bowel is perhaps blocking your bowel and that's why you are having these pains. Has the pain settled down?" 
"It seems to have just now yes"
"Good. We need to get some more bloods off you later on but we'll probably do that after you've moved"
"Am I moving?"
"Oh haven't they told you?"
"Yes you're moving to ward 97 later today we're just waiting for a bed. You're going into a four bay room so you'll have company and Dr Jagdev should be round to discuss the results in more detail with you tomorrow".
"Okay".
"Do either of you have any questions?"
"No that's fine explains a lot though" I told her. "With regards to the pain and the vomiting".
Yes obviously if the bowel is blocked and you are eating then it has to find some way out and that's why you've been vomiting so much".
"Right okay". I smiled at her and she left the room.  I looked over at Lee "Well at least we know why I've been in pain".
"Yep you're in the right place now darl and they'll sort you out" Lee kissed my forehead.
"Yeah I hope so. Just my luck though getting moved, whats betting whoever they move me in with snores?" I laughed just what I need. "Listen you get off its half seven I'm knackered and I bet you've not eaten all day have you?"
"No I've not had much" he told me.
"Well you look knackered so go home get something to eat and have a bath".
"You don't mind?"
"No course I don't off you go" I gave him a big hug and we said our goodbyes.  I was flicking through the TV channels when a woman  came into my room. I'd seen her before when Dr Jagdev had done her rounds. "Mrs McEvoy?"
"Yes, that's me" I replied.
"Can I have a chat with you?"
"Yes course you can. Have your visitors gone?"
"Yes my husbands just left" I told her. 
"Oh right... let me explain first of all i work with Dr Jagdev and my colleague I believe came in earlier and gave you the results from your CT scan results. Is that right?"
"Yes she came in whilst Lee was here"
"And what did you understand from what she told you?"
"Well that, the tumour I have has moved and has nicked the bowel slightly and its possible that's whats causing the blockage in my bowel".
"Ah, right"  I took in the expression on her face then and I think at that point it hit me we hadn't taken in the full extent of what the other doctor had said.  "Can I get a chair?"
"Yes please" I nodded.
"With regards to the blockage whats actually happened is that the tumour that we thought had liquefied has,.... well its.... grown into a mass its left a tear at the top of your bowel".  I swallowed hard.  "Right".
"Now we also think part of the tumour is blocking your bowel causing it not to empty properly which is obviously an issue.  If the bowel gets blocked further there is a chance that the bowel could tear causing peritonitis, which could obviously kill you." That's when I began to cry silent tears streamed down my face.
"Are you okay?" I nodded. 
"So two general surgeons have been shown your ct scan and they are going to look at these now to see if there is an urgency with regards to operating tonight or this weekend or whether they want to take their time before a decision is made".
"Okay"
"I didn't want them to just turn up to see you without you knowing this information first that's why I've came to tell you. Is there anything I can do?" She asked me as the tears continued to fall.
"They were on about moving me into a four bed room on a different ward can I please request to stay I just... well... I don't want to be in a ward with more people at the moment?"
"I believe they are working on that now to try and keep you here Loraine"
"And, Can I get my husband to come back... I need to tell him... I don't want to do it over the phone?"
"Of course you can and I'll be at the nurses station in case you need to talk or ask any questions".
"Okay thanks", she left the room and I shakily dialled Lee's mobile number.  He answered on the forth ring.
"I'm on the motorway love I'll ring you back when I get home" he sounded flustered and I knew it was because he didn't like answering the phone whilst driving.
"I need you to come back" I told him between my tears.
"I can't hear you love, are you okay?"
"I need you to turn around, I need you to come back to the hospital please," and then I began to cry not able to hold it in any longer.
"I'm turning round now darl I'll be there in twenty minutes!"
"Okay thanks".  I put the phone down and as I did the phone above my bed began ringing I'd given my mum the number earlier and sure enough it was her on the phone. I couldn't speak to her I just couldn't" so I rejected the call and switched off the TV and hugging my knees to my chest I began to cry again. It was then Antonietta popped her head around the door"
"Loraine? I wasn't sure if it was you or not" Antonetta had looked after me on my previous hospital visits the last time being before we had gotten married.  "How did the wedding go?" she asked smiling and I began to cry again she came over and gave me a hug.  "Oh love, I take it wasn't good news?"
"No it wasn't".
"I was just coming in to tell you I'd be your named nurse for the evening. I take it you are the patient they were discussing as I came on duty and you're waiting for the general surgeons to come and see you?"
"That's right"
"Oh honey I'm so sorry. Does Lee know?"
"He's on his way back now. I have to tell him" I sobbed.
"Oh love I'm so, so sorry" just as she finished her sentence the door opened and there stood Lee.
"Loraine, whats wrong?" I held my arms out and onetta got up from the bed and said "if there's anything you guys need just let us know?" Lee rushed towards me. "What is it? Whats happened?"
"The CT results its worse than we thought" I began, "you'd better sit down.."

19th April - Infection, x-ray and antibiotics.

The vomiting continued as i lay on the sofa. I felt terrible hot and sweaty too. "I think I need to take my temperature Lee" I told him, and he went on search of the thermometer. My temp was high above 38.8, Lee looked at it.
"Want me to call the doctor?"
"Yep I think we should it hurts" I replied. The pain was getting unbearable I had a drink and the vomiting started again. Lee had rang the doctor under the new system you have to wait for a call back.  I began to vomit again it was then Lee said "Shall we call oncology get some advice?"
"Yep probably a good idea" I replied.  So Lee got the number for the hospital off the fridge and began dialling eventually they asked to speak to me so they could do an assessment.  An assessment takes about seven minutes over the phone but at the time when you're on the other end in pain trust me it feels like an eternity as the nurse spoke I paced the floor explaining how I was feeling and answering yes or no to the questions. I had just put the phone down when it rang again and this time it was Dr Langton. I explained to him that I hadn't had chemo since 4th April and how I'd been feeling since the chemo and then I told him how the hospital had done a full blood count the day before. "Right well your results aren't here yet but they should have them Loraine, ideally I want those results before I make a decision as to what to do with you. Do you have a telephone number for the oncology unit that did your bloods?"
"Yes I do, I have rang them as well just because we've since done my temperature and it says on all my advice things that if my temp goes above 38 I've to ring"
"Okay you've done the right thing that's fine so what are they doing?"
"Well they are gonna refer my symptoms to their doctor and then ring me back".
"Right well give me that number and I will ring them for the results and I will make a decision as to what to do with you before I ring you back".
"Okay thanks Dr Langton"
"No problem Loraine you take it easy I'll get back to you as soon as I can".
"Thanks Dr Langton".  I laid back on the settee feeling rough and Lee gave me a cuddle. Lee got up and got me a wheat bag putting it in the microwave and handing it to me "here put this on your stomach it might ease the pain slightly"
"Thanks. Can you get the hospital bag out of the boot I think I better check everything is there and be prepared to go in" I told him.
"Okay I'll go get it now" Mum appeared about ten minutes later and helped me sort out my bag for the hospital. We had just finished it when the phone rang.
"Loraine?"
"Yes"
"This is the oncology day case unit. I've had a word with the doctor we do want you to come in to ward 96, however at the minute we're waiting for a bed for you. What I've done is ask Ward 96 to ring you direct as soon as a bed becomes free, okay?"
"Okay yes that's fine. Is my blood count down then?"
"Yes your white cell count is really low and because your temperature is high we think its best we bring you in and get you on antibiotics, okay?"
"Okay, thanks". No sooner had I put the phone down then it rung again.
"Loraine its Doctor Langton here, I've been in touch with the hospital your white cell count is really low and what with that and your temperature we've made the decision that you should be admitted. Have they been in touch at all?"
"Yes about two seconds ago" I replied. "I'm sorry if you think I've messed you about what with ringing the hospital as well.."
"Loraine it is fine that is what we are here for I am just glad we have got you sorted out".
"Okay well thank you very much for sorting it out for me".
"You are welcome and I hope you're not waiting too long for a bed".
"Thank you Doctor Langton". The sickness seemed to settle but I popped another tablet as the pain was growing steadily worse.
Lee had just left to take my mum home around quarter past four when the phone rang.  "Hello is Loraine there please?"
"Loraine speaking" I replied.
"Hi Loraine its Emily from ward 96 I'm just ringing to tell you there is a bed available on Ward 96 if you would like to make your way in and come to the desk you are in Room 15".
"Okay thank you"
"Do you need transport?"
"No my husband will be bringing me in its fine" I replied. I put the phone down and ran upstairs and got dressed. I was back downstairs and dressed just as Lee walked through the door.  "The beds ready Lee" I told him as he came through the front door.
"Okay you best ring your mum she wanted to come with you"
"Yes but she's only just gone home she needs some tea first. I'll tell her to come up tomorrow".
"Okay I'll just get your bag in the car" I dialled my mums number.

"Mum they've rung its ready now,"
"Do you want me to come?"
"No you've only just got in leave it and come up tomorrow Lee can take me in".
"Okay love if  you're sure"
"Yes I'm sure. I better go Lee's waiting"
"Okay love I'll speak to you later".
"Bye mum".
"Bye love take care".
"Right Lee I'm ready lets go".

We arrived on Ward 96 around five pm.
"Can we help?" One of the nurses looked up from behind the desk.
"Loraine McEvoy checking in" I replied.
"You're in room 15 Loraine, follow me!" So we trundled after the nurse to room 15. "If you want to make yourself comfortable Loraine the doctor should be in to see you shortly".  I lay down on the bed waiting for the doctor to arrive and Lee examined the TV screen above my bed.
"You can buy bundles by the look of it so you can get telephone, TV, and films to watch its £20 for 3 days".
"That's a bit expensive if you're on a pension and you have no income"  I frowned. Just as I said that a nurse came to do my blood pressure, temperature and heart rate.  
"Mm your temperature is still high"
"What is it?"
"39.8" she replied. "Is your blood pressure normally low?" she queried.
"Yes its never gone high".
"Dr Jagdev is here to see you".  Dr Jagdev gowned up and walked into the room.
"Hi Loraine"
"Hi"
"Sorry to see you back in under these conditions. How are you feeling?"
"The pain in my stomach and groin is pretty horrific but the sickness seems to have stopped, I've been very tired though and I'm still really hot".
"Well your temperature is up fairly high Loraine. When did the sickness start Loraine?"
"Last night about eleven"
"And when was the last time you opened your bowels?"
"The day before, it was really like water with lumps in though".
"Okay, can you lie down so I can feel your tummy?" I lay back but it hurt to move and I winced.
"Even lying down is sore?"
"Yes"  She began to feel my stomach quite gently but it was like stroking a really sore bruise and every movement hurt and I winced".
"Your stomach is really tender Loraine so I'm going to send you for an x-ray"
"Okay".
"You definitely have some kind of infection so I'm gonna start you on a really strong IV anti-biotic Loraine that will go up as soon as you've been for your x-ray".
"Okay fine".
"Once we get a better picture of what's going on inside we'll know what we are dealing with. Your blood count did show that your white cells are low again, that probably happened after your last lot of chemotherapy so that will account for your tiredness.  Have you had your CT scan yet?"
"No its actually tomorrow"
"Okay well we will make sure that you still have that CT scan tomorrow. I will see you later".
"Okay thanks".
The nurse came in next and tried to flush my PICC line so that she could put up the IV antibiotics.
"It can be a bit tricky" I forewarned her.
"In what way?"
"Well it flushes but sometimes it doesn't bleed back. The district nurses couldn't get it to flush on Wednesday but then I came into the day case unit on Oncology yesterday and they got it to work straight away". I told her.
"Ah okay, well lets just put a pillow under your arm and lift it up and we'll try again." So I did as i was told but again the line would not work.  "I'm really sorry Loraine but we need to get these antibiotics into you as soon as possible so we're going to have to try and cannulate you so that we can get these working quickly, okay".
"This is going to hurt" I mumbled.
"I'll get Angie to do it for you she's really good" the nurse told me.
"With the greatest respect all of the oncology day case unit nurses tried to have a go and they're really good and they couldn't manage it. That's why I had to have a PICC line put in".
"Oh love I'm sorry but we have to give it a go".
"I know its fine". Angie appeared with a bowl of water in front of me and sat down. I looked across at Lee and mouthed "this is gonna hurt".  (When you go onto the Oncology day case unit for treatment you are faced with walls lined with recliner chairs, at the side of each chair is a drip stand.  Each patient who doesn't have a permanent line in, sits whilst a nurse carries through a bowl of steaming hot water your hands are placed in the water. This is supposed to get your veins to rise to the surface of the skin and make them easier to find. Then if they are lucky they find a vein insert a needle which leaves behind a cannula and hey presto you're hooked up to a drip with whatever treatment you are due).  I placed my hands in the water and we waited.
"Don't look so worried" Angie told me. "I'm good at finding veins".
"That's what all the nurses on Oncology said until they had a dabble" I told her. "Either, you won't find one. Or you will find one and it will collapse in a few hours then I'll have to go through it all over again".
"Well all I can do is my best" Angie smiled.  "Right take your hands on and put them on the towel". I did as I was told and she dried them gently looking at the left one first, then the right. "Ooh that looks like a good one" she said pointing to a vein in at the side of my wrist.  "I'll give it a go".
"Okay" I took a deep breath and looked across at Lee maintaining eye contact as Angie entered with a needle "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" I chanted quietly.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine" I replied through gritted teeth. God it hurt, I think over time your veins must become more sensitive because every prod with that needle hurt like hell.  I winced then the tears started.
"Sorry Loraine, that vein moved".
"You okay?" Lee asked and sat at the side of me.
"Sorry" I apologised, tears flowing. "It hurts".
"I know love" Lee gave me a cuddle.  "Is this going to take long, you can see its hurting her?" Lee asked Angie.
"No, there we go its in, sorry Loraine" Angie apologised and began moping up the blood around my fingers then she dressed it to keep the cannula in place.  "Right Loraine Amy will be in with your Antibiotics and some fluids in a minute okay?" I nodded still wincing from the pain. "Sorry I hurt you love". I managed a smile as Angie left the room then dissolved into tears in Lee's arms. The antibiotics and fluids were put up about half an hour later followed by some pain relief.  When it got to quarter to eight Lee looked tired.  I had the TV sorted above my bed and it was all operational. 
"Why don't you get off?"
"I was hoping they'd have done the x-ray by now.."
"It'll happen probably later. You look knackered, and you haven't had anything to eat. Go home and get some sleep".
"Okay, okay", Lee replied. "You get some sleep as well".
"I will, I'll give you a ring before I go to sleep".
"Okay love you, bye xx"  Lee left and I pulled the TV monitor closer and logged on to facebook but nothing was happening. So I switched on the TV Coronation Street was on, so I settled down to watch it.  It was about ten minutes in when a porter turned up to take me for an x-ray.
"Mrs McEvoy?"
"That's me" I replied.  "I can walk okay you know" I told the porter looking at the trolley he had with him.
"I couldn't find a chair love" He replied.
"Ah well I get to ride in comfort then and I'm just about ready for a nap. I just need to nip to the loo first though, is that okay?"
"Yes no problem love", I quickly jumped down off my bed and headed for the toilet and emptied my bag then I pulled on the dressing gown hanging up inside the bathroom door.

I lay on the trolley in the x-ray area waiting for my name to be called. It was bloody cold down here and I'd been put in a cubicle on my own, away from other people obviously awaiting x-rays as well. This worried me slightly had anyone been told I was here?  I didn't have a watch and there was no clock to speak of but I was pretty sure I'd been sat there a good twenty minutes before I heard my name being called along the other end of the corridor.
"I'm down here" I called out.
"Mrs McEvoy?"
"Down here on a trolley" I called again.  God I was frustrated I wanted to jump off the trolley and get out of the cubicle but my drip was attached to the trolley I lay on so I couldn't.  It was then a dark haired man wearing a white uniform appeared at the bottom of the trolley. "Mrs McEvoy?" he enquired.
"That's right" I replied. "I didn't think you'd heard me".
"Yes sorry about that. I was expecting someone in a wheelchair not on a trolley".
"Apparently the porter couldn't find a wheelchair" I told him.
"Ah right, lets get you into x-ray".  He pushed the trolley and manoeuvred me into the large x-ray room. "Can you get off the trolley okay on your own?"
"Yes no problem".
"Okay so I'll get the drip if you can just follow me over to the x-ray couch".
"Right"  I walked slowly over to the x-ray couch and lay down putting my head on the pillow.
"So your consultant has asked for an x-ray of your abdomen including your bowel, okay?"
"Yes that's fine"
"Sorry Loraine I have to ask this, is there any chance you could be pregnant?"
"I've been sterilised and I had a hysterectomy when I had a cystectomy last year".
"Wow you've been through it then?"
"Just a bit" I replied.
"Right Loraine, I'm going to go behind the screen over there I'll ask you to breathe in, hold your breath and then breathe away, okay?"
"Okay".
"Loraine breathe in, hold your breath" I did as I was told but I always found this to be the hardest part because I felt like I was turning blue... "Breathe away" 'Phew' I let go and I felt so much better.
"Okay Loraine, you're all done just stay there and I'll come move the x-ray machine so you can sit up". As the machine was moved from above my head I pulled myself into a sitting position and waited.
The guy with the dark hair picked up the drip and carried it beside me over to the trolley. I climbed back onto the trolley and pulled the blanket back up over myself.  It was definitely cold in here.  He wheeled me back outside and put me back in the corridor.  "I'll call for a porter but don't worry I'll let them know you're on a trolley and what cubicle you are in" he told me. 
I don't know how long I'd been waiting but I know I was nodding off when I heard my name called.
"Over here!" I replied.
"Mrs McEvoy?"
"Over here!" I replied again, then to my relief I heard footsteps and saw a grey haired porter appear at the bottom of the trolley I lay on.
"Mrs McEvoy?" he enquired.
"Yes that's right" I replied.
"Lets get you back up to 96," he smiled.  "You look tired".
"I am I feel like I've been down here for hours". I told him. I must have fallen asleep during the trip back up to the ward because I don't remember it at all.
"Do you know which room you're in?" the porter enquired.
"Yes room 15".
"Can you get off the trolley okay?"
"Yes no problem" I hopped off the trolley and onto my bed.  "Thanks".
"No problem, you get a good nights sleep".
"Thanks".  I pressed my buzzer and waited for a nurse to come, it was a ball ache not being allowed out my room it would be so much quicker to go and get a nurse myself.
"Hi Loraine, what can I do for you?"
"I want to go to sleep but I need a night bag stand for my urostomy is it possible you could find me one? I forgot to pack mine".
"Yes I'll go get you one. Your fluids need changing too so we'll get those sorted at the same time".
"Thanks".  It was then I turned on the TV above the bed and noticed the time it was ten thirty, I'd been down in x-ray for ages, no wonder i was tired.  I gave Lee a quick ring said goodnight and settled down to sleep whilst I waited for my night stand to arrive. My night bag and fluids arrived around midnight they woke me up to do my blood pressure and temperature at the same time.  They were so considerate. NOT!.

18th April - Rough is not the word for how I feel....

Just as everything was going smoothly I was hit by an infection it hit me in the form of sleep and to be honest the only signs I noticed were sleepiness. I took to my bed on Friday the 13th and slept, and slept and slept. Then on Wednesday the district nurses came out to flush my PICC line and once again they ran into difficult it was Martin that came out to see me and after half an hour we both decided enough was enough and that I should make the journey to ST James's.  Martin however, asked me to get them to do a full blood count as well suggested I may be anaemic. Off we headed to St James's I asked for Andrea and we sat and waited for a good twenty minutes before she called me in.
"I'm so sorry Loraine, its hectic here today" she apologised showing me to a bay.  "So your PICC line is playing up again??"
"Yep" I replied.
"I thought you'd finished treatment"
"That's the thing I have, however its pending the results of my CT scan and that's not due until Friday"
"Ah, so we could take it out then?"
"Potentially yes, however results are on the 24th".
"Ah, so we better wait then?"
"Well yes and no if its not working then there's no point in it being in, is there?"
"Right well let me see if it will flush". As she disappeared to sort her trolley out Virgil one of the pre-assessment doctors that I have got to know pretty well appeared.
"Hello, Loraine how are you today?"
"Not too good Virgil" I replied. "I've been really tired since Chemotherapy"
"When was your last session Loraine?"
"4th April" I replied. "I should be rallying round by now"
"Mm" he looked at me a thoughtful look on his face.  "Is there any more treatment planned?"
"I have a CT scan booked on Friday Virgil, then I see Dr Jagdev on Tuesday for the results and then I will know if there is any more treatment".
"Ah I see... okay. So you are here today because?"
"PICC line wouldn't flush AGAIN" I rolled my eyes and Virgil laughed. 
"You're PICC line it is very.. how do I say.. tempestuous"
"Mm you could call it that."
"So the way you are feeling, this tiredness this is a sudden thing?"
"Just since Friday" I replied.  "The district nurse who called today said he thinks I may be anaemic and I should get a full blood count down... can you do that here?"
"Yes I think that is a very good idea I will ask Andrea to do this for you" Virgil replied.  At that point she re-appeared".
"I think when you flush the line you should do a full blood count on Loraine here" he suggested.
"Okay" she smiled and nodded and began setting up to try and flush my line. "Mm there is quite a bit of resistance there again Loraine" she told me. However the line began to flush "did the dressing get changed Loraine?"
"Yep but I noticed my line seems to be hanging further out of my arm than normal".
"Mm it is isn't it. Virgil?"
"Yes my dear" he replied a grin on his face.
"Loraine's line seems to be further out of her arm than normal do you think I should maybe do a chest x-ray check its in the right place? And, if its not then we could potentially take her line out. It would be no use anyway for further treatment, do you agree?"
"Yes, I will do you and x-ray card for Loraine now".
"Thanks Virgil" Andrea looked at me at that point, Loraine I'm really sorry but your PICC line isn't bleeding back I'm going to have to try and take it from your vein".
"Oh god" I whinged, my veins are horrendously bad hence the reason for the PICC line.
"I'll be gentle I promise" she looked at me a sympathetic look on her face.
"Just do me a favour and try this one in my right arm first" I asked pointing it out. "Its the best vein I have although occasionally it does move a little, but please try".
"Okay Loraine lets give it a go" I looked over at Lee who smiled at me and held eye contact with him... "Okay Loraine sharp scratch" I bit my lip as Lee smiled at me. I swore silently under my breath Fu....fu....fu....fu.....ck!" Lee lent across and held my hand.
"You okay?" He mouthed silently. I nodded....trying hard to smile...
"It hurts"  I replied. I gritted my teeth all my veins felt sensitive these days
"Okay all done"
"Really? What you actually got blood?" Andrea smiled and nodded "I'm impressed" I smiled. "Right so next step I need you to go down to x-ray" Andrea told me "As soon as its done come back up and find me and we will see if its in the right place".
"For the first time ever I'm hoping it isn't in the right place then I can have the damn thing taken out... I sooo want a bath" I told her and she laughed.
"I'll keep my fingers crossed for you come back and find me after you've been to x-ray and I'll find out whats going on".
"Okay" I grabbed my coat and the x-ray card and grabbed Lee's hand and we headed down to x-ray.  It was really busy when I gave over my details downstairs in x-ray, the seating area was packed full of people.  "Looks like we may be waiting a while" I said smiling at Lee.
"Well we haven't got anything else to do" Lee smiled back at me and gave me a hug. 
"Loraine McEvoy?"
"Maybe we won't be waiting that long after all" Lee murmured. We headed up the corridor to the changing room. 
"Right Loraine if you go in there please take off everything on your top half and put a gown on, that includes your chain"
"Okay".
"Then if you come out and take a seat we will call you in".
"Okay" i waited for the door to close then locked it.  Turning round the smell hit me a very strong smell of B.O. it was so strong ugh I actually felt sick. I have never got into a gown so fast in my life I actually left the changing room with the strings still unfastened holding my gown at the back thank god I could keep my jeans on.  Lee was sitting on a chair outside. "Can you tie this for me?" I asked turning around. 
"Of course I can turn around" Lee had just tied the strings at my neck when the radiographer called me in.. "Loraine McEvoy?"
"Yep" I replied.
"Come on in" I entered the x-ray room. "Right Loraine if you stand with your chest pressed up against the screen rest your chin on top", I did as I was told. "Now, if you put your arms round the back and grip hold of the handles. That's it, okay Loraine shortly I'll ask you to take a deep breath, hold it and breathe away".
"Okay". The radiographer disappeared behind the screen. "Right Loraine, take a deep breath in," I did, "hold your breath" I did, "now breathe away". There was a pause... "right Loraine that's it you are all done the results will be on computer when you get upstairs. You can go get changed now love".
"Thanks" I left the room and went to get changed back into my clothes in the changing room which again I did in record time because the changing room still stunk.  This time I managed to get my handbag off of Lee though and sprayed mountains of the stuff around the changing room at least the next person in wouldn't have to feel sick due to the BO smell.  I left the changing room still hopeful that maybe the PICC line could come out. Lee stood waiting for me.
"All done, back up we trot hope those fingers have been crossed then maybe I can get this out tonight". I grabbed Lee's hand and we headed out of the x-ray department and headed back upstairs to Oncology. 
"You okay? You've gone a bit pale?" Lee asked as we were halfway up the stairs in the main entrance.
"Knackered, its just hit me" I told him and grabbed his arm "I feel a bit dizzy too" Lee put his arm around me to steady me.
"Just stop for a minute" I did as I was told and took a couple of deep breaths.
"Its okay I'm okay I'll just take it slow this time" slowly we began climbing the stairs again.  I felt so drained. We headed towards oncology and sat in the waiting room, it was then I caught a glimpse of Andrea in the bay where we had been before we left for x-ray I waved to her and she beckoned us through. "Okay if you take a seat Loraine I'll go find a doctor to look at your results Virgil's left for the day". 
"Alright thanks"  I took a seat and Lee announced he was going to go outside for a cigarette. I laid back in the chair... I felt so tired. I must have nodded off and half an hour later it was Lee that woke me. 
"You okay?"
"Yep just tired" I replied. 
"Loraine the x-ray shows that the PICC line has moved slightly" Andrea announced "but its not enough to warrant it taking out it should still flush okay".
"Right".
"I'll send your bloods off the results should be back tomorrow if you want to give us a ring for them".
"Okay thanks".
"Right off we go then" Lee pulled me out of the chair. "When we get home I think you should go for a lie down".
"Okay. I won't disagree I feel like shit". I replied. "Bye Andrea, I hope not to see you again any time soon and I mean that in the nicest possible way".
"I know what you mean I hope you get your PICC line taken out soon" I smiled and she smiled back.  Then lee and I headed outside to the car park and for home.  I must have fallen asleep again on the way home because when I next opened my eyes we were on the driveway.   I did exactly as Lee said and made my way straight upstairs to lie down.  
I awoke around seven at night and headed downstairs to spend some time with Lee.  "You should have woke me its late" I told him.
"You were tired so I left you to sleep" Lee replied.
"Yep true". I sat down and tried hard to concentrate on the TV but in all honesty I couldn't concentrate it just wasn't happening I was just too tired.  It was only a couple of hours later that I ended up back in bed.
I started vomiting around eleven o'clock that night and it was constant ...every time I took a drink or a painkiller I was sick. Lee rubbed my back consistently throughout the night and got up to warm up wheat bags in the microwave to ease the pain for me. I was so lucky to have him, I must have drifted off in the early hours of the morning because I woke startled as Felix pounced under the covers next to me as daylight shone through the gap in the curtains. 
"What the...?" I jumped then realised the reason behind the fact that the cat was sharing my bed.. the window cleaners were at the window.... I have no idea why but my cat is terrified of two things... window cleaners and bin men and every time either one arrives he runs round like a lunatic. However, this was the first time he'd dived bombed under the covers on the bed giving me the fright of my life. I shouted out for Lee but there was on answer... slowly I pulled myself out of bed... god my stomach hurt. I sat on the bed for a good five minutes then the door knocked loudly... I knew it was the window cleaners but there was no way I could run downstairs and answer the door so I left it until they had gone and then slowly made my way downstairs and onto the settee. God I felt rough.....

15th April - Where has the last couple of weeks gone?

So lets start from where I left off I apologise because once again its been a while since I wrote my last blog.  I have just been so tired since I finished my last session of chemotherapy. All I have done is sleep I'm beginning to wonder if its just laziness and maybe I need a kick up the arse to get me moving lol.
Lee and I met Colin Fry on the 29th March. For those of you that don't know who he is he's a medium and one I've longed to meet for years. I'm very into the spiritual side of things and truly believe that there is life after death and that you move on to a better place.  I believe I'll be reunited with everyone in my life that I've lost when I move on and that helps me to deal with the fact that I am going to die. I mean lets face it we all are the difference being according to the doctors I'll be doing it sooner than most of you, but I'm not worried.  Anyway back to Colin Fry. I had added him as a friend on face book a while ago and it was only after we'd booked to see Sally Morgan another medium that he accepted my friend request. I immediately wrote on his wall and told him I would love to meet him and that I was currently battling cancer. Within hours he had written back and told me he was touring the UK and he would like to invite Lee and I to go and see him for free. He told me to choose which venue was best for us and he would organise the tickets. Lee, however, was sceptical wondering if it was some sort of hoax. I advised Colin of this and he immediately gave us his phone number and asked us to call. Lee rang and was totally amazed when Colin answered the phone to him. They had a chat and the tickets were organised. So the night arrived at the Bath Hall in Scunthorpe and we were shown to Colin's dressing room as he hadn't arrived yet. We sat and waited but were only there about five minutes when Colin appeared. What a lovely man! How can I describe Colin? He relaxes you immediately I felt like I'd known him all my life. Wonderfully he also had gift bags for Lee and I full of his senses range which included candles and soaps something we hadn't expected. He asked all about my treatment and how it was going and complimented me on my positive attitude. He told us how Mikey and him were planning to relocate to Spain and it was like a general chit chat amongst friends it was lovely.  We had photos taken with him which are now pride of place on facebook and I'm going to get some printed and put in frames. We watched the show and I was extremely impressed with his accurate readings although a little disappointed that I didn't get one myself.  It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening and I can honestly say we both enjoyed it very much.  Unfortunately our night out took its toll and the following day instead of a shopping trip to Grimsby we had to go home because I felt so rubbish.
I had my last chemo session on the 4th April and boy was I a happy bunny. Saying goodbye to the nurses on the oncology day case unit was the best feeling yet the worst feeling at the same time. I told them all I hope I'm not back too soon but that I probably will see them again at some point in the next couple of years. My named nurse for the day was a nurse I hadn't had since my second set of chemotherapy so that was kind of sentimental for me. I still have my PICC line in but my CT scan is on Friday and my results are back on Tuesday 24th April hopefully on that day my PICC line will be removed and it will be a long long time before my next chemotherapy session.
I had a lovely shopping trip with Vicki a friend from work on Thursday I needed help with my summer wardrobe because in all honesty I'm crap at shopping. I still dress fat that's the problem, when I look in the mirror I don't see thin I see fat. So I look at clothes and choose baggy ones and dark colours if I'm shopping on my own. Vicki helped me out of that on Thursday, made me try things on and I was amazed to find that a size 12 everywhere fit me it gave me a big buzz. The only downside was when we went to West One and I got a splinter and when I say splinter I mean a great big chunk of wood stuck in my foot from the changing room floor.  Vicki bravely pulled it out for me although when the blood began to pour she got a little squeamish.  The staff in the shop were lovely and couldn't do enough to help me. I was however a little traumatised after that and we had to go and sit down and have a drink at Costa. The mango and passion fruit cooler was absolutely gorgeous and so refreshing.  All in all it was an excellent day out and I came home with quite a few outfits for our holidays.
Anyway I'm getting stronger every day so I'll try and keep up on my blogs a bit more, problem is my life is so dull there's nothing much to write about at the minute cos all I seem to do is sleep. People keep telling me its my body healing itself that's why I'm sleeping so often but when does the healing stop cos I spend more time in bed these days than out of it.

25th March - A tribute to Lisa.

I've had a bad couple of days been a bit down but I always am this time of year. Its a bugger really cos it coincides with mum and dads anniversary every year. Lisa, my best friend died five years ago on the 25th March I still miss her terribly. What I miss more is the fact that I hardly have any photos of us together. Its one of those things you take them as you're growing up but inevitably they get lost somewhere along the way. We met at high school aged 14, Lisa's dad had died of cancer just before we met. Her mum had sent her to live with her grandparents in Horbury as Lisa was a bit of a handful, so she enrolled at the same school as me and we hit it off.
We were pretty much inseparable after that I went to her gran and grandads or she came to me. We had our ups and downs like all friends but we were always there for each other when needed.
I was bridesmaid at her wedding when she got married at 18 after falling pregnant with her son Luke, and I was Luke's godmother. Less than two years later I fell pregnant with Jenna and found myself without a partner, cos he dumped me and she was a great help throughout my pregnancy advising me what it would be like etc. I'd seen how natural she was with Luke and I helped her out looking after him it helped me to get used to each other. Jenna was born and I spent lots of time around at Lisa's for the first eighteen months of Jenna's life.
Then I met Rae and threw myself into my new relationship. Lisa was working and also had Luke and her husband Craig. They were going through a rocky patch Craig wasn't the nicest of people when he'd had a drink. They were far too young to have gotten married they hadn't been ready for the responsibility of a child and in all honesty I think they were just not suited.  Lisa began seeing someone else and I got dragged into it and we fell out. I lost my best friend and I was gutted in all honesty but I soldiered on. Rae and I married and had our son Logan but I never really gained that friendship back with anyone else and I often thought about her and wondered what she was doing.  I heard she'd moved away and left Luke with his dad but I had no idea why, I had been shocked at the time and I didn't understand the reasons behind it. 
Rae and I were married and we had Logan and life moved on, but I never had a friendship like the one I had with Lisa, I missed her.  Rae and I were together eight years before we separated, it was a difficult time in my life but it was the right decision for me at the time and one I have no regrets over.  It was by chance a couple of months later that I bumped into Lisa's gran and grandad on a bus they filled me in on Lisa's life and told me she was married again with two boys and had moved to Wales. They said she often spoke about me and wanted to get in touch so I gave them my address and phone number and told them to pass it on.
I still remember reading the letter she wrote it dropped through my letter box a week later she filled me in on her life poured her heart out over Luke and I felt excited as I picked up the phone that evening and rang her.  We talked on the phone that evening for hours and it was like the past ten years didn't matter. Then she told me she was coming to visit the following weekend and I was ecstatic I couldn't wait.
The following weekend she pulled up with her husband Tony and her two children Connor and Callum. I remember she looked stunning in her size eight clothes I even remember the clothes she was wearing that day. We talked for hours filled each other in on our lives and promised this time we would stay in touch, and we did.   I went for holidays to wales where she lived and she came to stay with me if we weren't seeing each other we were on the phone it was brilliant to have my friend back.
When she split with Tony some years later and turned up on my doorstep with her two boys and some bin bags I didn't hesitate and let her stay. She applied for a house to the council locally and got herself a place in a hostel so she could get housing quicker. I was the first one she told when she found out she was pregnant a couple of weeks later. She was happy but sad at the same time not knowing how she would cope with three kids on her own.  Then she got a house in Kettlethorpe and two weeks later rang me to tell me she'd started seeing someone. "Its like I've known him all my life, his name's Jimmy he's younger than me but he's lovely Loraine you have to meet him". We met in Wakefield the following week and she introduced me to Jimmy her bloke. He was a lovely lad we had a coffee and a chat he was great with the boys and I could see how happy she was she glowed it was the one and only time I'd seen her smile so much.  Then she went into early labour with Stephanie and I got a phone call from her "I've had a little girl" she told me. "She's so tiny though Loraine, I don't think she'll make it" she had only been 27 weeks pregnant and I was worried too.  "I haven't even told my Nana and grandad I'm pregnant" she sobbed.
"Do you want me to tell them?" I asked her.
"Would you?"
"Of course I will and I'll be over to see you tomorrow" with shaky fingers I picked up the phone and rang Lisa's grandma.
"Hi Muriel its Loraine"
"Oh Loraine how lovely to hear from you" she responded. "John, its Loraine on the phone can you turn the oven down for me?"
"Is it a bad time?" I asked her.
"No love its fine. Have you seen our Lisa lately?"
"That's the reason for my call Muriel, I have some news for you, its good and bad news are you sitting down?"
"Oh no, whats happened what's she done?" I could hear the shakiness of her voice and I swallowed hard.
"Well the thing is she didn't tell you that she's pregnant"
"I thought she was putting weight on, so she's asked you to call and tell us has she?"
"No. the thing is Muriel she was 27 weeks pregnant"
"Was?"
"She went into labour last night Muriel and you have a grand daughter Stephanie, she's tiny and she's in special care"
"Oh my goodness, what hospital?"
"They're at Pontefract general Muriel. She's scared and I think she needs her nan"
"Thank you Loraine we'll go right now".
"I think she'll be very happy to see you. I'm going to go tomorrow"
"Okay Loraine, and thanks for calling". I remember feeling relieved as I put down the phone it had gone better than expected.
The following day I went to the hospital to see baby Stephanie armed with my camera she was indeed tiny her skin was transparent I put my finger through the hole of her sealed incubator. The tip of my middle finger to the knuckle was the same size as Stephanie's head. Shockingly she was about thirty three centimetres in length but the nurses said all early signs were good, and she was gorgeous.  She told me how her labour had been quick and Jimmy had stayed with her throughout it all.
"Thanks for ringing my Nana they've been up constantly and they seem to like Jimmy".
"What isn't there to like?"  I smiled. "You've known him what four weeks and he stayed with you for your labour, I think you have a good one there love. Don't let him go"
"I won't" she smiled. "He's asked me to move in with him, I know its fast but I'm considering it"
"Well why don't you then you seem so happy when  he's around Lisa. You don't have to give up your house do a trial run see how it goes. If it works then give up the house and move in with him. If it doesn't you've nothing to loose".
"You think?"
"If you have a chance of happiness you go for it. It doesn't come round very often".  We saw each other more and more after that. We often met for a coffee in town or I would go to hers and Jimmy's. Those days were fabulous. When I split with my boyfriend and went on a downer Jimmy paid for me and the kids to get a taxi through to theirs and we stayed for the weekend. Around that time I was over there every other weekend. Logan got on well with Connor and Callum and loved going and Jenna quite liked Jimmy's younger brother who was around her age so she didn't mind going either. Those days were the best I had my best mate back and she was happy.
It was the second week of March 2007 when I saw her last, we had a very surreal conversation that evening about dying. She'd told me how her Nana and grandad had said to her they were re-doing their will and how she was to be included I remember she looked right at me and said. "I've told them just to put the kids in it, because they will outlive me".
"Don't be daft" I'd replied.
"No I'm serious I've always had a feeling I won't live beyond my dads age"
"You're being morbid now" I remember I'd said.
"You'll see" she'd smiled and replied.
It was 2am on Friday the 23rd March that I got a phone call I still remember it vividly. "Is that Loraine?"
"Yes"
"Its Jimmy's mum Pauline Loraine, I'm afraid I have some bad news are you sitting down love?"
"Whats wrong Pauline?"
"Its Lisa she collapsed this evening she was rushed to Pontefract general, she's in some sort of coma. They're transferring her to Leeds general infirmary by ambulance now".
"Oh my god"
"Its not looking good love I'm afraid she hasn't regained consciousness. They're transferring her to the neuro critical care unit".
"Can I see her?"
"I'd wait til morning as soon as I have a telephone number and know what ward she is on I will ring and let you know".
"Okay Pauline thanks so much. I want to go see her as soon as I can though so please ring me sooner rather than later".  I'd put the phone down and cried myself to sleep on the settee the phone at the side of me waiting for a call.  I was due at work the following morning at that time I worked in a call centre for HSBC bank. I remember ringing and speaking to one of my old team leaders Suzanne at the time. "Suzanne its Loraine, I  need some time off compassionate leave or something I'll take holidays anything".
"Whats up love?"
"Its my best mate Lisa she collapsed early hours of this morning she's in some kind of coma at Leeds general infirmary I'm really sorry but she's like my sister, she has three kids I have to go see her, she's in critical care and it sounds serious. Please can I just not come in today?"
"Oh bloody hell, listen do what you have to do love we'll work it out when you get back. I know if it was my best mate I'd go so go".
"Okay thanks Suzanne. I'll let you know what happens".
"Okay love". I'd rung my mum next Logan was at his dads, Jenna was 15 at the time and still at school I arranged for her to have Jenna for the weekend and told her why. It was ten am the following morning when Pauline rang and told me exactly where she was and I jumped in a cab and headed to the hospital.  I knew it would cost me but I didn't care I needed to get there. The cab pulled up and I got in.
"Where too love?"
"Leeds general infirmary" I told him.
"Are you sure, that's gonna cost you?" he asked me.
"How much?"
"About twenty probably" he'd replied.
"Okay take me to a cash point and I'll give you twenty five if you can get me there fast" I'd answered.
"No worries" he'd smiled. "Its an emergency I take it?"
"Yeah my best mate she's collapsed she's in the neuro intensive care unit I need to get there as quick as I can".
"Sorry to hear that love, its no problem though I'll put my foot down for ya"
"Thanks I appreciate it".  I don't think he minded that I never uttered another word for the whole journey. He dropped me outside the door and I practically threw the twenty five quid at him and ran to the information desk to find out how I got to intensive care.  There was a buzzer on the door.
"I'm here to see Lisa Ambrose"
"Okay come through the door straight ahead is the relatives room if you'd like to take a seat in there someone will come out and get you".
"Okay thanks" on shaky legs I'd walked into the room. Sat across from me were a man and a woman I smiled and they smiled back.  It was a good five minutes later when the woman spoke.
"Are you Loraine, by any chance?"
"Yes that's right, sorry do I know you?"
"I'm Jimmy's sister Teresa and this is my husband Chris"
"Oh, hi nice to meet you both. Is anyone in there at the moment?"
"Jimmy's in with her, he's hardly left her side and Luke's just arrived".
"Luke?"
"Yes Lisa's Nana and grandad brought him up they've just gone for a walk, Stephanie was getting a little grizzly so they took her for a walk. Mums at home with the boys she's not good in hospitals"
"Oh right. Lisa's Nana and grandad took Stephanie home last night with them and my mum had the boys three of them was just a little much for her".
"Ah I see. How bad is it Teresa?"
"In all honesty love I'm not sure. They said she may be able to hear though so Jimmy's been talking to her constantly".  My tears started then and Teresa came over and gave me a big hug. "I'll go see if I can hurry them up so you can go in"
"Okay thanks." I grabbed the tissue she offered and wiped my eyes.
I still see her in her hospital bed wired up with tubes all over the place unfortunately its my last memory of Lisa and one I find hard to deal with....
I never went home Jimmy, Teresa and I stayed with her Friday night and all day Saturday then Saturday night. We talked to her constantly hoping it would help bring her round desperate for some kind of sign. Teresa left to go home to her kids on the Sunday and to help with Stephanie and the boys and I stayed with Jimmy.  I remember the conversation we had with the doctor sitting in the relatives room with him.
"The results of the scan showed that Lisa has had a bleed on the brain. We judge bleeds by a scale of one to five, one being the lowest and the easiest to recover from and five being the highest and the worst one. I'm afraid Lisa's bleed shows as a four its extremely unlikely she will come round from this".
I looked at Jimmy my mouth hung open and he looked at me and we cried and held each other as we listened to the rest of the doctors words. "What we need to do next is a serious of tests to check Lisa for brain activity that will determine as to whether or not we turn off the life support machines".
"Right"
"So if there is anyone that needs to come and see her and say goodbye then I think it would be a good idea to call them"
"Okay" Jimmy and I stood up and looked at each other I think we both knew even then what the results would be.
The machines were turned off later that day and I remember walking into the corridor and just sliding down the wall and crying and crying and crying.  It was left to Jimmy and I to go back to the house and tell the boys their mum was gone it was a horrifying task and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Stephanie was ten months old and the boys were eleven and twelve, how do you break the news that they're never gonna see their mummy again??  But between us we managed it, I still believe it wasn't our job and that it should have been Lisa's immediate family that had the task of breaking the news but they were nowhere to be seen.  In the three days she was in the hospital dying they turned up once and spent all of half an hour with her. For that, I can never forgive, I remember thinking I hope to god when I die my family care enough to actually show up at my bedside and spend some time with me?
Five years have past, Jimmy moved on quite quickly after Lisa died it took him less than seven weeks in fact and I found it hard to forgive him for that. Then he did the ultimate no no and split her family he kept the boys and sent Stephanie to his sisters saying his girlfriend and him couldn't cope with a baby. It wasn't long after that they replaced her with a child of their own and that did it for me and I had to walk away. Lisa would never have wanted her family split because it had happened to her when she'd been separated from her younger brother Mark. Jimmy moved away with the boys and his girlfriend and her kids and their baby not long after and I have no idea where they are.  But the boys know me and I'm sure one day they will look me up. I go as often as I can to see Stephanie but not as often as I'd like she's growing up so fast. It was my job to tell her about her mum when she got older, she knows she has a second mummy and often goes to visit her grave with Teresa.  Unfortunately I may not have that chance now if I'm not around for long enough but I have promised Teresa I will write a letter to her and tell her all about her mummy and my bestest friend Lisa. The one thing I do know is that when I die Lisa will be at the other side waiting for me with a big glass of wine and a welcoming smile.
Love you Lisa xx

Tuesday 27th - Fingers crossed.

Third night now with little to no sleep. Laid awake til three am. Woke at seven when Lee got up and tried in vain to get back to sleep. At eight I heard Logan come in to drop his bag off and leave again. I snuggled under the duvet and tried to get back to sleep. At nine, I thought what the hell and got up to wash my hair and have some breakfast. However, Lee was asleep under the throw on the sofa so I backed out of the lounge and headed into the kitchen. I got myself some cereal and took it upstairs with me. After eating my way through a bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes I got in the shower and washed my hair. I'd blow dried it and straightened it before I heard Lee move downstairs. I'd said if I was up in the morning I would meet mum at the market. There's a small market in Ossett on a Tuesday and Friday Lee likes to look round the second hand part for action men to add to his collection... I kid you not. I rang mums number but dad answered.
"Is mum still at Carols having her hair done?" I asked.
"Yes she is why?"
"Well can you ask her to give me a ring when she gets in and I'll arrange to meet her up at the market?"
"Why what are you doing today?"
"Meeting mum at the market then I have the hospital fro pre-assessment at two" I told him puzzled by the question when I'd just told him what I was intending to do.
"Okay so she's to give you a ring?"
"Yes" I replied. "I need to get my passport changed so I have to go up there anyway".
"Okay love bye".
"Bye" I put the phone down not entirely sure he'd been listening lol.
"Morning" I gave Lee a kiss as he walked in.
"Morning love"
"Mums at the hairdressers next door getting her hair done I've asked dad to get her to ring  when she gets in then we'll go meet her okay?"
"Yes that's fine darl."
"I've got all the stuff I need for my passport so I'll get that sorted. I need to get photos done first so I'll go to the photo shop and get those done first."  My mobile phone beeped (or rather knocked, mine has a woodpecker ring tone lol)" oh, this message says mums on her way are we there now? I told dad to ask mum to ring first. Shall we go then?" Just then the house phone began ringing. I picked it up seeing mum on display "We're not there yet mum I told dad to ask you to ring when you got in" I told her hurriedly worried she was waiting. "I've just got home now" she told me. "Oh, I got your text saying you were on your way are you there now I presumed you'd set off" I explained.
"No, no we'll set off now though if you're ready"
"Yes we're on our way" I put the phone down shaking my head puzzled that mum had sent a message saying she was on her way whereas in fact she was at home... ah well never mind.
"Ready?" I asked Lee, and he nodded. It was lovely and sunny outside Lee wore a pair of three quarter shorts and I had on jeans and a t-shirt.
Parking the car we headed for the photographers first don't you just hate the fact you can't smile on passport photos? I looked a right miserable bugger lol. Photos done we headed towards the town hall to look for mum and dad where we had arranged to meet.  Not seeing them outside we headed inside and Lee made his way to his usual toy stall where he got most of his action men from.  He bought two more and as he was waiting to pay my dad walked past in the other direction. "Dad, Dad" I called but he obviously hadn't heard me although nearly everyone else did and turned round as I called. Dad definitely needs a hearing aid! "I'll go see if mums outside" I told Lee. However there was no need as i made my way through the doorway there was mum standing squinting at her mobile phone, without her glasses on.
"Hiya"
"Oh hi," she looked up and smiled "you look good today"
"Thanks I've just been for passport photos" I pulled them out and showed her. "I look a right miserable bugger don't I?"
"No they're nice" mum said and I smiled. "I'm gonna go over to the post office and get the passport sorted before I do anything else"
"Okay well I'll come with you, that okay"
"Yes fine. Lee just nipping to the post office with mum we'll come back here when we're done"
"okay". There were only five in the queue when we got in the Post Office and only one at the Passport window. I wasn't sure if we could just go straight to the passport window or if we had to queue still so mum asked a woman sitting at a desk.
"No you're fine love you can go straight to the counter when she's done with that customer you don't have to queue for the passport check and send service".
"Okay thanks".
"Whats the quickest service you offer is it a week?"
"No we don't offer a week" she replied. "It normally takes two weeks".
"Ah right I checked online and it said normal timescales were six to eight weeks or you could pay extra and have it done in one week".

"Yep end of April" I told her next she'd be selling me insurance and a credit card I thought waiting for it.
"Well we've got Easter so that might delay it a bit" she told me.
"But I should have it back before end of April though?"
"Well I would have thought so but its not guaranteed"
"I'll risk it" I replied and handed over the application my photos, old passport and marriage certificate.
"Where you going?"
"Cyprus"  I told her.
"Larnaca or Paphos?"
"Larnaca" I told her "flight only because my husbands parents live out there."
"My daughters in Paphos, its getting warmer now they've had their worst winter though"
"Yes I know Lee's mum was telling me".
"Have you booked your flights?"
"Yes" here we go I thought now she'll try selling me insurance.
"What have you got them for?"
"I've got insurance" I said interrupting.
"Oh I didn't mean insurance just wondered who you had booked with and what you got your flights for? I go out to Paphos to see my daughter quite a lot of the time".
"Oh, I got a good deal" I couldn't tell her now I hadn't actually booked the flights I had looked at them though and knew how much they were "Flying out its seventy five quid and coming back is eighty five" I told her that's for end of April til end of May though?"
"Really that's a good deal. I've never got flights under two hundred quid for one travelling" she told me.
"Oh no you can get cheaper than that I went out in April, June, August and September last year and the most I paid for a flight was one hundred and sixty quid".
"Really?"
"Yes. But I always fly to Larnaca but I don't see why it should be more expensive to go to Paphos. In fact lee's mum always books her flights from Cyprus to us with Cyprus airways and flying from UK to Cyprus she either uses Thomas cook or monarch if you split them like that apparently its even cheaper".
"Oh right. I'll have a look at that then"
"Yes make sure you do it'll be cheaper" as we'd been talking Maggie had been doing everything necessary for the check and send service. She gave me a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Then circled a date on it, the date being fourteen working days from today which takes us to the seventeenth of April. If you haven't heard anything by this date, ring this number and give them this reference and they will chase the passport for you, okay?"
"Okay thanks"
"No problem bye"
"Bye" that was the first time I'd been in the post office and no one had tried to sell me something I was impressed. "All done" I smiled at mum. "Lets go look for them" I suggested.
"What else do you need to do?"
"Nothing really, oh apart from I want to go to beauticians I had my nails done last week with that shellac nail polish it normally lasts two weeks but its only been a week and they've all chipped"
"Oh that's not right"
"I know so I'm gonna go ask for a repair this time. I wouldn't normally but we're off to that Colin fry show on Thursday and i want them to look good for that".
"Oh yes that's Thursday isn't it. Hope you get a reading"
"Me too" I replied as we rounded the corner I could see dad and Lee I met Lee at the slipper stall and proceeded to buy a pair of slippers for five pounds.
"Are you going to go get that walking stick Marlene?" dad asked her.
"What stick?"
"There's one in that mobility shop its a fold up one and its on sale for eight pounds. I thought I'd get one then I can fold it up when I don't need it." she explained.
"Oh right well we can go there next" so we headed up to the mobility shop where I spotted two walking sticks in the window one was a standard black one and the other one was called glitzy walking stick it was a metallic green with a silver spiral around the stick. I tried to persuade my mum to get the glitzy one but she was having none of it. She bought her stick and we headed for a coffee and a chat. Then I booked a repair at the beauticians and we headed for the car.
"Let me know how you get on?"
"There's nothing to tell mum its only bloods and getting weighed" I told her.
"Well give us a ring when you get in anyway" she told me.
"Okay".

"Hi appointments not until two o'clock we came early to get parked" I told the receptionist at the pre-assessment clinic. "Okay Loraine, take a seat in waiting area one".
"Okay thanks" we headed up to the waiting room and sat down. It was empty!! When I say empty there was only one other person there. "God this is unusual Lee" I said sitting down. Normally it was packed and we were struggling for seats.
"Wow it is quiet isn't it?" I pulled out my magazine and Lee pulled out his paper to read it we were experienced at the waiting game now and knew you had to bring reading material with you. At these clinics you could be waiting a couple of hours at a time. We hadn't been waiting long when a Chinese nurse called my name and we followed her down to the pre-assessment room.
"Its quiet isn't it?" I said to her. "Is everyone on holiday or something? I've never seen it so empty"
"Yes its seems to have been a quiet afternoon it was manic this morning though" she told me. "We'll weigh you first" I put my bag down and walked over to the scales.  I'd put some weight on back up to Eleven stone one, I'd been steadily loosing three pounds a week until now. I wasn't happy that I'd put weight on I knew everyone else would be though. Just shows my appetite must be getting better. I sat down and the nurse went through her pre-assessment check list.
"So you're having day eight tomorrow aren't you?"
"No day one cycle six, day eight was cancelled due to a low white cell count. Day one was supposed to be last week but I had a urine infection so it was put back and i was given antibiotics for a week" I explained.
"Oh right let me just check something" she checked on computer and saw that I was right I was booked in for day one of cycle six although they had it down as cycle three. But that was due to the first three cycles being Gemcitabine and Cisplatin and now I was on Gemcitabine and Carboplatin. Then I forewarned her, when I came to have bloods taken last Tuesday Liz couldn't get the end of my PICC line off to change it. So you may need forceps the district nurses tried when they came out to do my flush on Thursday but they couldn't get it off either".
"They may want to take it out then" another nurse piped up who'd been sitting nearby.
"What the line?" I asked. "I'm on my last cycle though" I told her.
"Well if it hasn't been flushed..."
"Oh it has, it was flushed and dressed and everything else they just couldn't get this end off it seems to be stuck fast"
"Oh right I thought you meant it hadn't been flushed".
"No I just meant the end it always gets flushed" I repeated. "However it does sometimes struggle to bleed back" I told her. At that point Liz walked into the room.
"Oh hello you" I showed her the end of the PICC line. She pulled a face "couldn't they get it off then?"
"Nope it flushed okay and everything but the district nurses couldn't get the end off"
"Didn't you come for chemo then last?"
"No Dr Jagdev had to cancel it cos I had a urine infection" I explained so district nurses came out to flush it but couldn't get the end off to change it.
"Oh hell, you'll need forceps then Kam cos I couldn't get it off last week"
"Okay I'll do the dressing and flush and bloods first and then I'll tackle changing that last" she told me and laughed.  Looking down at my PICC line I said....
"Now behave yourself and bleed back this time no funny business" Lee looked at me and laughed.
"Those drugs they have you on are turning you funny!"
"Hey you laugh it worked last time I had a little talk with it and it behaved itself" I replied. However, it didn't work, some twenty minutes later Kam decided to clean my arm and change the dressing then try again. That didn't work either, so she went to retrieve some forceps and I swung my arms around a bit to try and get the blood flowing so she could try again. Ten minutes later she returned with the forceps and the end was unscrewed easily and dumped a new one put in its place. Then syringe in hand she flushed my line again, it worked, then it bled back very very slowly I might add. When I say slowly I mean it dripped its way into first one vial then the other. Forty minutes after my original appointment time... I was done... finished and ready to go home....whey hey. Miracles do happen. Temp fine, bloods fine, everything fine... Chemo at two fifteen tomorrow. Homeward stretch now Loraine nearly finished.
I took myself up for a nap when I got in exhausted from just walking round the town centre and going to the hospital... I feel about sixty not forty.  In less than ten days I could have my PICC line removed and my life back. I can't bloody wait!!!

Friday 23rd March - A sad end to the week.

Okay first thing I have to announce to the world is on Wednesday I went to the hairdressers and I am officially blond again and straight. I was always blond and straight until about seven years ago. Then I changed to blond with an amber shade highlighted, then the amber changed to a red streaks which looked really good.  Then I went through a traumatic break up and changed to a deep brown I called it my dark phase. Then I changed to a deep burgundy red. Then it was red with blond highlights. Then after my operation in 2010 and my trip to Cyprus I started wearing it curly, it looked good it was a mixture of colours, browns reds, and blonds and it took no managing I just left it to dry and then scrunched it with hair gel... no effort required it was brill. So I sold my GHD straighteners to my sister. Then I started chemo and slowly my curls began to disappear, I didn't loose my hair well not much of it, it thinned out but wasn't noticeable to anyone else, it just went straight. When I got my hair done for my wedding  I wore it up, it was a mixture of colours blonds and browns and straight at the front then curly at the back and it looked really good. But the curls were man made with tongs and sadly now when I wash it, its straight no more curls. So I went to the hairdressers and came out blond and straight armed with a new pair of GHD's from the Peacock limited edition in Green, and I kid you not two hundred and fifteen pounds lighter. Ah well not every day you get to treat yourself to some decent straighteners is it?

On Thursday, Lee and I made a trip into Wakefield. Unfortunately I have a funeral to go to tomorrow and I have nothing to wear. Well, I do, I have a black dress which is fine I suppose but I'd rather wear trousers and a top. We stopped at Matalan first because they are always cheap for trousers. But straight away I saw the menswear department had expanded and I began having a look around. Lee still seems to have no clothes. I spotted a lovely shirt in there, a stripy one.
"Know what I love about shopping with you?"
"What?" I asked Lee.
"You always pick out stuff for me that I like and that's a first for me" he said smiling.
"Well I must have good taste then" I replied and gave him a kiss. I headed for womenswear next but it all seemed to be casual stuff, however Lee asked for me and one of the staff explained the store had been moved around and where to look for the smart stuff. I picked out four pairs of trousers two size 12 two size 14 in different styles. I can get into a size 12 no problem now but if they are a bit too tight at the waist they cause problems with my stoma so I tend to go for a 14 if the waistband is stiff. Next i saw a cream chiffon blouse with a black colour and buttons and showed it to Lee.
"Its pretty transparent" he pointed out.
"I could wear a Cami top underneath that will hide my stoma bag".
"Yep that would work, try it on" he suggested and I headed for the changing rooms. Anyone who's been fat like me will no how scary entering changing rooms can be. I, for one always used to pick up something I liked, take it home, try it on and bring it back if it didn't fit, because I was too scared to enter a changing room. It still took some encouraging getting me in there I can tell you.
"Maybe I should take the 14 and try them on at home.." I suggested to Lee. He raised an eyebrow.
"Go on I'll wait here" he encouraged. So I held my items up for the assistant to count and headed into a cubicle. The first pair of trousers were just a terrible fit generally and looked horrid on so I tried a 12 in a different style. They were a good fit, but as usual a little snug around the waist and showed the outline of my stoma bag off to perfection, not a good idea. So I tried the 14 on and the blouse and I was pleasantly surprised I headed to the entrance to show Lee.
"They're nice turn around" I did as I was told smiling.
"You look great they're a brilliant fit" Lee encouraged me.
"Thanks".
"So, where now?"
"Why don't we go bed shopping, there's a Benson beds just further up look" I pointed out the store to him as we came out of Matalan.
"Good idea sooner we get a new bed, sooner you get some sleep". So we entered the shop and headed to the bed section.  We tried out quite a few when one of the assistants Carol came over.
"Any particular bed you're looking for?" she asked.
"Well I have a memory foam one but it has dips at both sides of the mattress now and raises in the middle" I told her.
"How long have you had it?"
"Not long to be honest only about five years" I told her. "But, I didn't pay a lot for it, I guess you get what you pay for. So I'm ready to spend on a decent bed".
"Loraine was wanting one of those divan beds that you lift up with the storage underneath"  Lee told her.
"We have those"

"Okay I can show you a few of those, follow me" so Lee and I followed to the other side of the store where she pointed out some beds.
"Don't be afraid to lie down on them" she told us. So I lay down and encouraged Lee to get on and give it a try as well.
"How does that one feel?"
"Mm its nice" I told her.
"Right well that's bottom of the range, I'll take you to the next one up and you can try that one. This one is made up of micro coil springs then its topped with air pockets and then memory foam. The higher we go in the range the deeper the memory foam top and I'm told the more comfortable they are. So try this one out" I laid on the bed.
"Ooh yes this one is definitely comfier than that one" I agreed.
"Well try the next one then" she pointed to the bed next to the one I was laid on so I got up and laid on the next one. "This is the highest one in the range".
"And can you do this one with the divan base that lifts up?" I asked her.
"No that's what I was going to come too. You can't mix and match the divan bases and mattresses. With this mattress you need to have this base". I looked at the base it was brown with two drawers in. I didn't like the fact that it was brown.
"Mm, not keen on the colour" I told her.
"Well the other option is this mattress with this base" she pointed to another base which did lift up for the storage. "But that would cost you an extra two hundred pounds".
"Oh, that's a bit expensive".
"That's what I thought, the other option is the divan base that pulls up with the mattress that's on it. Why don't you try?" she suggested and I lay down on that bed. I shook my head it definitely wasn't as comfortable as the other one. "Yes I thought so, it depends on how much you want that base really".
"How much would it be with the mattress I want and the base it comes with?" I asked.
"I could do that one for Six hundred and fifty nine pounds including delivery".
"And if I took the mattress I want and the base that lifts up?"
"That would be Eight hundred and fifty nine pounds" she told me.
"And if I went for the lift up base and the not very comfy mattress?"
"That would be Six Hundred and twenty but obviously you might not be getting the comfort".
"What do you think?"
"You want one that's gonna be comfy darl".
"Yes I know".
"I know you had your heart set on a lift up one but do we really need all that storage? I mean the bedding in those top boxes above the bed will easily fit into those two drawers and that will free up all the top boxes above the bed then?"
"Yeah true" I agreed.
"You want to be comfy darl and the fact that the divan base is brown doesn't matter you can get a valance sheet to cover that up".
"You have a point" I smiled at him. "Right we will take the comfy mattress with the not so nice looking brown base and drawers I told her".
"Okay come sit down and I'll take some details".  So half an hour later we walked out of Benson beds I'd paid a ten percent deposit now and the rest was due a week before delivery. Delivery was set for Thursday 5th April at last I would have a comfy bed to lie on.
When we got in I rang my friend Mandy to make arrangements for the funeral. Sadly a mutual friend had lost a daughter aged eighteen. Mandy wanted to go but had no transport and I had transport but no one to go with so it made sense we go together.
"I've arranged to pick Mandy up before the funeral tomorrow" I told Lee. "She lives in Wrenthorpe on Coronation Street, would you believe?" he chuckled. "The funerals at Wakefield Crematorium next to where Lisa's grave is but I'm not sure how long it will take us to get from one to the other. I can always have a coffee at Mandy's before we set off".
"Okay darl"
"Mum wants to meet up with me but I've told her I'm not sure what time we'll be done because Mandy will probably want to go to the wake after and I'm not sure where that is".
"Okay well I'll be in so don't worry".  I text Lynne the mun of Jenny who died and told her we'd both be there tomorrow. I was secretly dreading it, it was horrid at Mary's the minute I saw the coffin I just though that could be me soon and its hard to get rid of those thoughts.

I woke up feeling sad at the thought of Jenny's funeral she was so young. No one should have to make funeral arrangements for their child, its not right. I knew there would be people there I hadn't seen for years. Lynne used to be a barmaid at the Cock and Bottle a local pub I frequented where I live. It shut down about four years ago now and remains empty. I haven't seen Lynne in about three years unknown to me she moved to Outwood which is why I hadn't seen her around Ossett for a while.  Lynne's kids would often come up to the pub on a Saturday afternoon when they had karaoke on her kids, Mandy's kids and my kids used to hang around together. They were all various ages at the time  Jenna is two year older than Jenny, and Jenny was three years older than Logan. Mandy has three kids, Patrick was ages with Jenna, Robin was ages with Logan and Sammy was ages with Jenny. But they would go on karaoke or play games outside on the precinct where we live it was always a lovely atmosphere in the summer.  There's been a lot of publicity surrounding Jenny's death as she fell from a hotel window there was a lot of speculation and rumours going about as to did she jump, was she pushed, or had she fallen? But her body had been released so I presumed any investigation was now over.  I followed the directions of the sat nav and pulled up outside a house twenty minutes later. I wasn't entirely sure if I had the right address so I took out my phone and rang Mandy's mobile. It was then I saw her at the window waving so I got out the car.
"Want a cuppa before we go?" she asked me.
"Yes that would be good"
"How long will it take us to get there?"
"Not sure I'm just going to put the postcode in the sat nav and I'll check" I told her. I've got a new Tom tom but I still haven't read the instructions. To be honest any gadgets I never do I fiddle about with them until I get it working.  Eventually after a lot of beeps telling me I'd gone wrong I'd found my way onto the main menu of the Tom tom I put in the post code of the crematorium and waited.
"It says twenty minutes so we've got about half an hour to spare" I told her.  Two cups of coffee later we got in the car and headed to the crematorium.
The first thing we noticed when we arrived was that the car park was full. So we had to come out of the car park and park on the side of the road outside. As we walked up I saw Rachel a girl that used to work behind the bar with Lynne who I did see quite regularly. She was standing with her son Chris. Jenny had been his first girlfriend and he was in bits.  There was a huge crowd of people and no way we were all going to fit into the crematorium. As I looked around I realised what a tight squeeze this was going to be.  The hearse and cars pulled up, and about twenty cars followed black flags hanging from their car aerials. I was glad to be around the corner of the building now as the coffin was unloaded and the family walked in. I didn't want to be near the coffin I knew if I was I'd cry.  The music from one of Adele's hits flooded the crematorium and we heard it outside as we all walked inside. The benches in the crematorium and the back of the crematorium was packed with people. People stood in the aisles too so we were shown into the waiting room and a television screen was put on in there so we could see the service. Two of Jenny's friends did her eulogy he was lovely to listen too, then the vicar spoke a bit. Before long it was over and I hadn't shed a single tear. I was quite proud of myself that I'd held it together. But then as we excited the building Jason Jenny's brother came running back in shouting "She's still there isn't she? There's something I have to do, don't take her yet" as he shouted I began to cry. The poor kid certainly wasn't holding it together.
"He was like that when I went on Wednesday Loraine, he's loosing it big style".
"Poor bugger" I replied grabbing a tissue. "I hope no one looses it like that when I die. At least with mine we will all be prepared for it might even see if we can have a rehearsal" I commented and Mandy sniggered. "Well you have wedding rehearsals why not funeral ones, I can make sure everyone following my wishes then. One stipulation is everyone has to wear something Red. Lee will be spitting feathers you know what he's like about Red". Mandy laughed. She'd laughed when I'd told her via face book about Lee's aversion to red him being a Leeds united fan and all that. I'd threatened to wear red knickers on our wedding night. Lee, however had made it clear if I did there would be no honeymoon action so I'd given up on the idea. It was quite hysterical that the hotel room we'd stayed in had red accessories and that the wall in the en suite was bright red too. Lee had asked if I'd done it deliberately. I approached Lynne and gave her a hug.
"Are you coming back to the Queens?" she asked.
"Yes I will, haven't a clue where it is though"
"I know the way" Mandy told me.
"We will see you there then" I told Lynn. Then I spotted Rachel. "We're off to the Queens if you want to come I can give you a lift home from there" I told her.
"Its okay my friend is picking me up that dropped me off, but thanks anyway". I gave her a hug and Mandy and I walked towards the car.
"You sure you know where we're going?" I asked Mandy.
"Yep, no problem" she replied.  She directed me back onto the M1 and I headed for Junction 41 as we came off the motorway I recognised the route to Outwood anyway it wasn't far from where my friend and hypnotist Jacqui lived. I wasn't sure where the Queens was until Mandy pointed it out. Its just past the traffic lights on the left there, not sure where you can park though" it was pretty busy but I knew there would be a lot of people parked up for the wake. It was a lovely service and there were hundreds of people in the pub celebrating Jenny's life it was just a shame that no one seemed to know how it had happened. Although Lynne remains convinced it was no accident and her daughter was pushed. Police are investigating but there were only two people in the hotel room the night Jenny died. Unfortunately they don't seem to be getting many answers.
R.I.P Jenny. If someone did this they have to live with the consequences of their actions.