14th January 2012 - I do I do I do.

I awoke feeling happy and nervous at the same time... it was here our wedding day...I was due at the hairdressers first at quarter to ten. 
"How you feeling?" Sue asked me.
"I'm crapping myself" I replied.
"Would you like a bacon sandwich?" Mum asked me.
"Yes please".
"How you feeling?"
"Nervous, crapping myself" I replied. We pretty much sat in silence until I was due to leave for the hairdressers. I was shaking like a leaf. It was only when Sue parked up that I remembered I'd left my tiara at home.
"Its okay its okay where is it I'll go get it for you?" 
"Next to the bed" I told her and headed for the hairdressers whilst Sue headed back to mum and dads.
"Hi, I've got an appointment for Louise at quarter to ten"
"Okay I'll take your coat and if I can ask you to put this on please" the girl held out a black cape for me to put on and then showed me over to the sinks. "If you could sit on the second one for me please".
"Thanks" I followed her and sat down. Then Louise came over.
"So, how you feeling?"
"Nervous" I replied, "can't stop shaking" I added.
"You will be fine" she told me.
"Sue my friend and photographer has gone back for my tiara I left it behind in the rush. She wants to do some photos is that okay?"
"Yes no problem. I won't be drying your hair but Amy will and then I'll do the rest".
"Okay thanks".
"So are we going ahead with what we decided on the practice session?"
"Yes"
"Right then I'll leave you to get your hair washed".
I heard Sue arrive as I was getting my hair washed she took a seat and waited I was glad she didn't take photos as it was getting washed. Amy showed me over to a chair when Vicki came round the corner. 
"Loraine I didn't realise you were coming in at this time, if Lorna wants to come earlier then she can if you want to give her a ring".
"Okay yes I'll ring her" 
"Lorna its me Vicki says she can do your hair earlier than half ten and you can come now if you want?"
"Andy can you take me to hairdressers now?" I heard her ask. "Yes Andy says that fine tell her I'll be ten minutes"
"Okay." But Vicki had disappeared. "Sue can you tell Vicki Lorna will be up in ten minutes?"
"Yes no problem I'll tell her".
"Do you want a coffee?" Amy asked me.
"Yes coffee with milk and one sugar please"
"Sue?"
"Same please".
"Can you get me two coffee's please?" Amy asked a colleague, she nodded and went in the direction of the staff room to make them.
Louise appeared after Amy had dried my hair with a pair of straighteners and asked for some hair grips and then the process of putting my hair up began and Sue began taking photos. Then Lorna arrived and started getting her hair done by Vicki. It was eleven o'clock before I was finished just in time for the beauty salon where I was due at 11.15. As we left the hairdressers I bumped into my neighbour also called Sue.
"Well, what do you think?" I did a twirl in the town centre whilst grinning from ear to ear.
"Oh Loraine it looks gorgeous"
"Thanks, I will see you at my wedding later I've got the beauticians next".
"Ooh busy busy busy, see you there".
I walked through the town centre my tiara on my head feeling like a princess and we headed to the beauticians.  As Sue and I entered Katherine the owner of the shop greeted us.
"Hello, ooh is it today you get married"
"It sure is" I laughed.
"Oh your hair looks gorgeous. Katy is waiting for you upstairs I need to pop out and get some sugar."
"Sue wants to take photos of me getting my nails done is that okay?"
"Of course it is anything we can do to make it go smoothly for you we will do". Katherine replied. "Go upstairs and take a seat".  I walked up the stairs and Sue followed Katy waited smiling broadly.
"Your hair looks fantastic".
"Thanks".
"How you feeling?"
"Nervous my hands are shaking" I replied.
"You will be fine. So I'll do your feet first, okay?"
"Yep that's fine" I replied "It might relax me".
"Well I'm not taking photos of your feet" Sue said.
"Good I don't want you to" I laughed.
"What colour do you want for your toes?"
"I don't know really I'd not really thought about it"
"Have red" Sue said and we both laughed. Katy looked puzzled so I explained.
"Lee is a Leeds fan, hates red because he hates Manchester United so I was very tempted to wear red knickers today" I laughed and Katy and Sue joined in. "But, I won't have red, how about a hot pink?"
"This one?" Katy held out a pink.
"Yes perfect".
"Am I doing a french manicure on your fingernails?"
"Yes but not the bright white, the off white"
"No problem".  It was going on for twelve before my feet were done and Katy started on my nails.  Sue had already discovered the boys were in the Maypole in Ossett
"I saw Lorna's hair earlier it looked lovely and you look absolutely stunning" she told me. "Give me a hug" she held out her arms and we hugged.  "Have a fabulous day love you deserve it".
"Thanks Anita".


"Ooh you look lovely" my mum told me as she came to the door and gave me a hug.
"Thanks mum, now where's that champagne I need a drink" I told her laughing.
"Whens Kim coming to do your make up?"
"Just after two. Louise is coming to get me dressed at two. What I'm gonna do is go up and change my stoma bag have you got a dressing gown I can put on?"
"Yes love I'll get you one".
"I have to go at two" Sue told me. "If you want me to take those bags for you get them packed now and I'll put them in the car for you".
"Oh yes right thanks Sue" I headed upstairs changed my stoma bag and packed my overnight bag for the hotel then handed it to Sue.
"Right I'm gonna go take some photos of the boys and I will see you at the venue".
"Thanks Sue ooh give us a hug. See you there" we said our goodbyes and I gulped down my champagne just as Louise arrived to get me dressed. I don't know if I've mentioned Louise before at this point but she is a mobile seamstress who did the alterations to my dress (which were needed due to the amount of weight I'd lost and because all wedding dresses are made for someone approximately five foot seven inches tall as apparently no women are five foot three ha ha), anyway Louise had seen the PICC line in my arm and the bandage that I was so desperate to cover up and had offered to come and get me dressed and use the wrap that came with the dress in a way in which it would cover my bandage. I'd been grateful to accept her offer and here she was.
"So how are you feeling?"
"Shaking like a leaf I just need to get my stockings and shoes on I won't be a minute I told her and continued to dress in the back bedroom whilst she took her coat off.  Being a bride is a bit like having a baby you don't care about being nearly naked in front of a stranger.  Anyway underwear on I was ready and Louise took my dress off the hanger and held it out in front of me.
"Ready?"
"Ready" I replied.
"Right this time instead of lifting your dress over your head you are going to step into it Loraine, I don't want to spoil your hair".
"Okay" as Louise held the dress still I stepped into it and she zipped it up at the side and then started on the ribbons of the corset at the back. It took a good fifteen minutes before she walked around the front of me.
"That looks fabulous, you look great, lets just sort out the wrap for you before you look"  she placed it around my arms and tied it at the back and then fastened it with a broach.  "Right that's it you're done" she told me. I grinned at her and opened the bedroom door and emerged into the hallway. Lorna was upstairs getting ready along with my mum.
"I'm ready just the make up to do" I said and they all emerged into the hall.
"Stunning, you look beautiful, oh mum how lovely" were just a few of the comments I received. I beamed back at all of them.
"Any sign of Kim yet?"
"A car has just pulled up outside" my dad answered.
"Jenna get the door I think Kim's here".
Kim arrived along with Simon and Krystyna, closely followed by Helen from Amaryllis with my flowers from our local flower shop.
"Come in" I said holding the door open as one by one they came in, Helen followed a big box in her hands filled with my bouquet, the bouquets for the bridesmaids and my mum and dads buttonholes. She showed my mum how to put the buttonholes on before leaving to take the remainder of the buttonholes up to a waiting Lee at our house.
"Right make up," Kim said in professional mode "can you sit on a chair by the window for me Loraine, its better for light. Can we have a towel?" she asked my mum, "no second thoughts can we have two towels, I can put one on her lap then make sure we don't get any make up on the dress".
"Yes no problem I'll go get you some" mum replied.
"Do you want champagne?" Lorna offered and Krystyna and Kim accepted.
"I'm driving" Simon replied.
"We have Coke?"
"No I'm fine thanks" Simon replied. The towels appeared and Kim began making me look gorgeous... as you may understand... it took a while ha ha. By three o'clock my make up was done, along with a couple of glasses of champagne  as we waited for the cars. My dad appeared downstairs just as the cars arrived outside. 
"Kim can you give Rosie a lift?" I asked. In all the rush I'd forgotten to arrange a lift.
"Yes course we can, come on love" Rosie smiled and followed her Krystyna and Simon to the car.
Next went Jenna and Lorna and my mum and I looked at my dad, "Ready?" he asked and I nodded. As I got outside I spotted Helen an old friend from HSBC she'd come to see me off and take some photos it was at that point I wished I'd invited her. There were tears in her eyes as she approached me. 
"You look gorgeous" she said and gave me a hug.. "Have a fab day you deserve it".
"Thanks Helen" I stepped away and headed to the car waiting for me, dad was already inside. Carol my mums neighbour over the road came out and waved then my mums other neighbour also called Carol came out and waved too. I was giddy by this point the driver of the car gave me a hand to get in the car and I sat next to my dad. I felt like a princess and couldn't wait to see Lee as we set off.


When we arrived Sue took a few photos before letting us go in and we arranged with the driver to wait til we were married and then drive us to the hotel where we would check in and drop our bags off.  Then I entered the building with my dad, we were greeted by Jane our wedding coordinator at Woodkirk and the registrar marrying me and Lee.
"Sorry we're a little early. I just couldn't wait any longer"
"Well we are all ready you can wait ten minutes or we can go ahead everyone is seated anyway"
"No that's fine we can go ahead now but I need to just nip to the loo and sort something out first"
"Do you want me to come help you?" Jane asked.
"Would you mind?"
"Of course not" she followed me into the toilets. "Whats wrong?"
"Its my stocking its almost around my ankle" I laughed. "God I'm nervous"
"Here you hold your dress and I'll pull it up." she instructed and hitched the stocking up for me."There is that alright?"
"Yes that's fine" I nodded and we headed back outside where my bridesmaids were waiting. Keeley a child of one of Lee's friends was wearing a dress similar in colour to my bridesmaids and he had talked her into being a flower girl for us. She stood smiling with Lorna and Jenna.
"Thank you for this Keeley" I smiled at the little girl and she smiled back. Bon Jovi Bed of roses faded out and our song by Lonestar, Amazed began to play I took some deep breaths as I listened to the introduction.
"Ready?"
"Ready" I smiled a nervous smile and watched as the bridesmaids began to walk in front of me. I grabbed hold of my dads arm a little tighter and we began to walk slowly behind them.
Lee turned to look at me and I grabbed his hand he had tears in his eyes just like me. I squeezed his hand tightly.
"You look stunning"
"Thanks you don't look so bad yourself" I replied and smiled.  All our guests became quiet and the music stopped and our ceremony began.


"We are here today to celebrate the marriage of Lee McEvoy and Loraine Mooney. On their behalf I would like to welcome you all to Woodkirk Valley Country Club. I am sure it means a great deal to them that you can be here to share their happiness on this occasion.  This place in which we are now met has been duly sanctioned, according to law, for the celebration of marriages. You are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Lee McEvoy and Loraine Mooney. If any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage he or she should declare it now".
Silence. I smiled at Lee and we turned to face each other his eyes were still brimmed with tears as were mine and I willed myself and him not to cry.
Lee and Loraine before you are joined in matrimony I have to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. Marriage according to the law of this country is the union of one man with one woman, voluntarily entered into for life to the exclusion of all others. The purpose of marriage is that you may always love, care for and support each other through all the joys and sorrows of life; and that love may be fulfilled in a relationship of permanent and continuing commitment. Today Lee and Loraine wish to publicly affirm this commitment and offer each other the security that comes from legally binding vows sincerely made and faithfully kept.  Now I am going to ask each of you in turn to declare that you know of no lawful reason why you should not be married to each other.Will the bridegroom please say the following words after me."  Lee looked nervous as he repeated the words of the registrar.
"I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I Lee may not be joined in matrimony to Loraine".  Then it was my turn and I smiled nervously as I looked at Lee and repeated the words.
"Now the moment has come for Lee and Loraine to contract their marriage before you, their witnesses, family and friends. Will all that are able please stand?" Then she turned to Luke "Can we have the rings please" he pretended to have lost them which lightened the mood and everyone laughed.

"Will the bridegroom please say the following words after me whilst holding the ring on Loraine's finger."

"Loraine I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage, as a token of my love and affection and as a symbol of our commitment to each other. I call upon these persons here present to witness that I Lee. do take thee Loraine to be my lawful wedded wife. I promise to love and care for you, honour and respect you and share with you all that I have but I've only got twenty quid in my pocket." Everyone laughed including those that had been crying and the registrar. Lee waited then continued "May we look forward to our future together with hope and happiness and always remember the feelings we share for each other on this our wedding day."  Then it was my turn I was still laughing although my eyes were still filled with tears as I repeated the same vows.

"Lee and Loraine you have both made the declarations prescribed by law and have made your promises to one another in the presence of your witnesses here today. Let us hope that this day will form a special day in your lives to look upon with much love and happiness." The rings were on our fingers and we both grinned at each other broadly. Lee lent over to kiss me.

"Not yet!" The registrar laughed.

"Sorry" Lee smiled at her.

"Lee and Loraine it gives me great pleasure to declare that you are now husband and wife. Lee you may kiss the bride". We kissed and everyone clapped, cameras went off then we sat at the table to sign the marriage certificate.

We went for a ride in the wedding car to the hotel and Lee went to check us in. Sue and Nick had followed in their car to take photographs and Sue took a few shots as Lee was in the hotel with Nick. It was turning cold and Sue got in the car with me, whilst we waited for Lee and Nick to re-appear. Sue had a sip of champagne and I finished what was in my glass.
"I'm so happy for you" 
"Thanks Sue".
"Do you feel any different?"
"Happier" I told her smiling.
"I noticed you haven't stopped grinning all day"
"I know" we hugged and Sue left the car just as Lee re-appeared and got back in the car beside me.
"The hotel room is gorgeous" Lee told me.
"Good can't wait" I told him.


When we got back to the venue the room was very busy. The bar was crowded and it was very loud. Jane sat Lee and I on two posh chairs to introduce us to the room, then Lee decided he needed the loo and off he went. After what seemed like ten minutes he re-appeared I'm pretty sure he was outside having a cigarette.  Jane hit a gabble against the bar and introduced us to the room so we could go take our seats along with everyone else.
Unfortunately, a lot of the seats around the tables were empty, some people had told us and we'd filled their seats earlier in the week with people just coming during the evening. Some people however had let us know at the last minute and their seats were empty which I'd expected. However some seats now were empty due to people not bothering to let me know and that was quite upsetting especially as their meals were paid for something we could ill afford to start with. I was a little upset but the people here were the ones that mattered and I tried to put it out of my mind.  The speeches went well, Logan even got up and did a little unprepared speech which I hadn't been expecting and I felt very proud. Everyone looked stunning around me and I was really impressed with the effort everyone that had turned up had made.
The meal was out of this world and the staff at the venue did us proud as the service was really brilliant. Everyone seemed to be having a good time Sue started taking group photos in the room where we'd said our vows and things were ticking along nicely. Just after seven our evening guests started arriving. I was thrilled to see old and new friends and introduced Lee to as many as I could but it was all a little hectic to say the least. It was after nine as the barbecue was getting laid out for our evening guests when I realised how little of them had turned up.  We'd catered for another fifty arriving at night, however there were less than twenty evening guests that showed up, again another waste of money.  We had had some last minute cancellations for the evening but only for twelve people, certainly not for thirty eight.  However, the empty dance floor didn't put us off and we all had a great time.  All too soon it was midnight and people began to leave Lee and I ordered a taxi and were the last to leave the venue as we headed to the hotel to check in.


"Oh wow its gorgeous isn't it?" I said to Lee as we entered the room.
"I told you it was nice" Lee replied as I opened the door to the bathroom, I couldn't help but laugh.
"Lee you have to come and see this" I laughed as he came along to the bathroom and I opened the door.  The back wall of the bathroom was brick red... Lee's face was a picture.
"Did you arrange this?" He asked and I laughed.
"Sorry" I apologised still laughing.
"Its okay Mrs McEvoy I'll let you off". 

2nd January - 13th January - Wedding plans...

It is such a busy time organising a wedding and to be honest its driving me nuts. We need to get our final guest list and numbers in before 6th January and just when I think we are getting there ... it all falls to pieces again.


First of all there's the table plan. I've given Lee the job of designing it and I'm doing the organisation of the tables and who is sitting where...its trickier than I thought.  Anyway we bought a big canvas board and lots of gold stickers to decorate it with. On the top Lee wrote Mr & Mrs McEvoy would like to welcome you all on our Wedding Day. That was quite funny as he kept loosing letters there were three of each. First of all he lost an M so we decided turn the W's upside down and use them, then we realised we wouldn't have enough W's and were just deciding what to do when the M re-appeared attached to the chair.... (I think it was Lisa's idea of a joke).  I don't know if I've written in my blog about Lisa my best friend she died five years ago suddenly after collapsing she'd had a bleed on her brain and never came round. Anyway, I'm very spiritual and I feel her around me all the time. I loose things and just say out loud "Lisa, I've lost so and so, can you help me find it" and whatever I've lost will re-appear usually in a place I've already looked.  Anyway as Lee worked on the table planner I concentrated on the seating. On the 5th January I got word that eight people we invited weren't coming, then the following day another two cancelled. I hurriedly moved people that were coming at night to the daytime so we wouldn't loose too much money. The venue was paid we had paid £20.50 for ninety people during the day and £14 for one hundred and thirty people to come at night. As Friday neared more and more people cancelled and I was really freaking out.  What else could go wrong? My mum and dad re-assured me the people that were coming were the people who count but it didn't get any easier as more people said they were skint and couldn't afford to come. I was gutted.
We submitted our Table plans to the venue on Friday 6th January with as much detail of seating as we could. Our numbers had dropped from 90 to 80 during the day so we'd overpaid by two hundred pounds on the daytime reception. Evening guests had dropped by about twelve people but we hadn't catered for all one hundred and fifty invited anyway as we had counted on the daytime guests not being overly hungry after eating at five so we'd reduced the numbers by twenty and decided to keep these the same. 


Then, the following Tuesday dawned and things went from bad to worse our DJ and his girlfriend advised they were too skint to make it.  Lee was fuming and I was well gutted... what could we do? Four days before the wedding and no DJ we rang our venue and asked if there was anything they could do? They advised they'd get back to us luckily on the Wednesday morning and advised that their DJ could do it and we just had to ring him with our first dance song and any other song choices we wanted him to have available. Then Lee's parents rang they were flying to us via Heathrow arriving in Heathrow on the Wednesday and then flying up to Manchester on the Thursday. They had been seated on the plane for two hours when they were advised there was an engine fault and they had to get off. They were being put up in the hotel overnight in Larnaca but hadn't a clue when they would get a plane.  Then I had the news that my flower girl and her family had cancelled we were another six down..that was another one £120 gone. And we had to find a further £120 to pay for the new DJ. Our one who had been coming was doing it as a present we hadn't allocated a further £120 and I was crapping myself about finding the money... but after moving this that and the other around we scraped the money together and I rang the payment through.  Rosi our friend from Cyprus and Luke's ex girlfriend arrived on Wednesday evening. Lee had gone to the supermarket for some crisps and booze for us both. Jenna announced they were going out and I questioned how she could afford it, she had kept telling me she had money left but I had no idea why. Even though I'd been ill I'd been watching what she was spending and I was sure she had spent more than her wage. She re-assured me she has budgeted for our wedding and had money left so off they headed out for the night. Then finally some good news Lee's mum and Dad had left Larnaca and would arrive with us on Thursday around 7pm. And Luke, Lee's best friend was arriving on Friday morning. Things were coming together finally.


We met Lee's mum Steph and dad Barry at the train station on Thursday evening and took them to their hotel to drop their bags off. Only when we arrived we had the wrong hotel haha. They had booked in at the Premier Inn in Wakefield. Unfortunately they were three Premier Inn hotels in Wakefield I knew of two but not the third one...after having some food at the HolmfieldSteph and Barry along to meet them all prior to the wedding. 


So, the following day we headed for the train station first to pick Luke up. We were waiting at Wakefield westgate when he text me to say he was arriving at Wakefield Kirkgate station. Lee and I jumped in the car and headed to pick him up.  It was lovely seeing Luke again lots of hugging went on before we headed to  pick up Steph and Barry they were at the Red Kite it was around 12.30 when we joined them. Barry bought a round of drinks in and we sat there for a while chatting about the wedding etc. I felt relaxed for the first time in ages I was still horrified that we had had so many people cancel but it couldn't be helped. We had a laugh before heading to our house around 3 o'clock. Logan was already there when we arrived and I told him we were going to head to the Maypole for tea however, there wasn't enough room in the car.  I had my bag packed as I was staying overnight at my mums and Sue had advised me that she would be arriving around seven.  Logan, Luke, Rosi and Jenna set off walking to the pub and we headed down in the car with Barry and Steph. There was a change in Logan I noticed it straight away he was so grown up suddenly and a lot more attentive to me. We had a lovely meal and a few drinks at the Maypole and headed down for my mum and dads around six thirty.  It was a full house when we arrived. Aunt Magaret, Uncle Iain, Ross and Clare, Lorna, Andy and Aunt Mary and Uncle Douglas were already there. We parked up the car and headed in.  Lee, Barry, Steph then Rosi and Luke were all introduced and we sat drinking and chatting. Everyone was getting on and Barry even took an interest in my dads soldier collection he was beaming as he proudly showed them off.  Then Missy Moo arrived complete with camera equipment and folding bed to sleep in.  My dad was greeted as Victor (she calls him Victor Meldrew) to be fair I can see a resemblance in the way they act.  My dad greeted sue as Sue, Sue, barney mcgrew, cuthbert, dibble and grub he's done that since they first met, they wind each other up and its amusing to watch. Shortly after Sue arrived my Aunt Mary, Uncle Douglas, Aunt Mags, Uncle Iain, Ross and Clare left as they had booked their dinner for seven thirty.  We all said our goodbyes and waited for the arrival of my Aunt Shirley, Uncle Alan and their son David and his girlfriend Jodie. Elle and John were coming but were going to stay at the hotel as Elle is six months pregnant so they would see us at the wedding.  It was a lovely evening Lee and his parents stayed until about nine then headed off, Lee and Luke, Logan and the girls to the pub, and Lee's mum and dad to the hotel. Then Lorna and Andy left to collect Jordan from work and shortly afterwards my Uncle Alan, Aunt Shirley, David and Jodi left too. My dad disappeared to the pub and that left Sue, my mum and I.  By eleven I was knackered and headed to bed leaving them both chatting downstairs.  Tomorrow, is my wedding day...now the nerves are kicking in!

21st December - New Year - A new year 2012

To those of you that are avid readers of my blog I apologise for such a long delay in my update.  This will be an extremely long catch up blog but I will break it down into sections for you all, I promise lol.


Christmas Day... it was good all the family together, both kids Jenna and Logan, Lee, my mum and dad and Lorna my sister and her partner Andy and Lorna's son Jordan. However, Jenna's 20, Logan's 15 and Jordan's 18 so its kind of lost that Christmassy feeling if you know what I mean....  The kids didn't get much due to us both being skint and maybe I'm wrong but I think they were a little disappointed. Hopefully, someday, I will be able to make it up to them. Anyway we went to my mum and dads, Lee had volunteered to cook all the Christmas dinner for us all. It was beautiful but I was still feeling sick so I didn't eat much. We played on Andy's Xbox Kinect in the conservatory at darts which was fun and Lee played golf with him as well. It was a laugh but I was glad to get home so that I could be sick in my own toilet which I promptly did as soon as we got through the door!!  I went to bed hoping the next day would be better


Boxing Day.... Logan left about 12 to go back to his dads. I was gutted to see him going but he had plans with his dad so off he went. I still remember him being born and being so tiny and now he's taller than me... I hope one day he will get his head round me being ill and visit more often. Or maybe come back to me. You never know... Anyway boxing day was a quiet affair just me and Lee watching Christmas TV and for most of it me sleeping and being sick in between.  Not a great day.


27th December.... Things are looking up. Woke up feeling on top of the world we have so much to do for the wedding so its time to go get favours for tables pay the final instalment to the florist and Woodkirk Valley Country Club and get things moving. So off we trotted to Country Baskets to get the favours sorted out we got little bags to put on the table with chocolates inside and champagne bubbles... nearly had a heart attack when we got to the till they cost a bloody fortune hope all my guests turn up otherwise the money will have been spent for nothing. 


New Years Eve.... We (Lee and I) headed to Missy Moo's (my best friend Sue Copeman's) for a bit of a party. Lee made an Egg and Potato salad and we took that with us. All of us attending made a dish, Tracey and Jon brought pizzas and beer (pizza's were burnt) lol. Kim and Simon brought spinach curry made by simon very nice and sue made chilli, lovely stuff. Nicks children Amelia and Grace were there they are both five year old twins as different as chalk and cheese. Amelia has straight brown hair to her shoulder and likes Dinosaurs and crafty things like baking and making things. Grace has blonde curly hair and just wants to be a princess, she loves dressing up and playing girly games. They are both very funny and cute to watch and love sue and their dad to bits.  We arrived at tea time Sue was at her dads with Amelia but Grace was at home with Nick in her princess dress. She changed into a red flamenco one for the party or flamingo as Grace calls it. 


Our evening consisted of Sue and Nick and Nick's twin girls Amelia and Grace, Simon and Kim and their two kids Lily-Mae and Theo, some friends of Simon and Kims and their daughter, I'm sorry to say I've forgotten their names and Jon and Tracey Beasley.  We ate the curry, chilli, pizza and more and it was lovely we all had a fantastic time. A good evening with lovely people. The kids even said Happy New Year to each other it was lovely to see. Then Sue came in and cried on my shoulder I promised her I'd be around for next year as I knew that was why she was crying it had crossed my mind as well.  I don't know how long I will be here for but I hope I will manage another new years eve.


New Years Day we chilled out at Nick and Sue's it was so relaxed we decided to stay another night.  The girls went home at tea time and gave us both big hugs before they left. Why can't all children stay at that age its so cute? Nick and Lee and Simon had arranged to go out for a kebab to a place that Nick knows which does giant ones and Sue and I were waiting at home for them to bring us one back.  Suprisingly the guys weren't gone for very long and soon arrived back with a Giant and I mean Giant kebab which Sue and I shared and there was still more than I could eat lol.  Then we settled down in front of the tv to watch idiot abroad we (Lee and I) haven't watched them before we were all soon howling with laughter. Sue says they are on sky so I'm determined to find them when I get home.

Tuesday 20th December - Normality at last!!

To all of you have been reading my blog so far - thank you. I can only apologise for the large gaps during my off days. But lifting my head up has been an effort some days so typing was not an option.
The problem being the syringe driver, as much as its great as in the anti-sickness drugs running through it stop me being sick, they also have a sedation effect which pretty much allows me to sleep and eat and nothing else. I'm pretty knackered all the time with it on. But, Monday was hallelujah day cos the syringe driver was taken off and I've agreed with the docs no more chemo until 18th January so I can concentrate with getting back to normal and enjoying my life again.... and I am enjoying it. Yesterday we went into Wakefield and I called into work to see my colleagues and gave out my Christmas cards. However, after an hour I was pretty much knackered and ready for my bed. I'm hoping my energy levels will increase as time goes on this tiredness... is well... exhausting. 
Today, Tuesday has been a good day I've been into Ossett had a walk around the market holding onto Lee's arm for support felt like the most natural thing in the world.  I'm hoping I'll be able to just walk around holding his hand soon and not use him as a human crutch.  I managed a bacon sandwich at Eller coffee which is the most I've eaten in days my appetite isn't at its best. Although I am drinking bucket loads of pineapple juice apparently its good for me so just as well I'm craving it eh?

Monday 21st November - Tuesday 22 November Sickness returns.

I woke early Monday ready for the nurses coming to change my syringe driver. They finally appeared at eleven thirty and told me the syringe driver was going to be removed. I was happy elated it meant I could have a shower etc and I was looking forward to that. The problem with the syringe driver is that you're not allowed to get it wet and with that in one arm and the picc line in the other it pretty much makes it impossible to shower or bath so its a strip wash every morning.
The nurses came and removed it and I felt fine and jumped straight in the shower. I had some lunch, just tomato soup but hey ho better than nothing. It wasn't until around two thirty when I was sick the first time, but I'd just knocked my arm so put it down to that. By four thirty I was hanging over the loo vomiting water and that's when we gave in and Lee rang the district nurses. They were in the middle of changeover and advised that the on call team would call and see me, later that day. It was after six by the time they showed and they advised me as the prescription said it had to end that day they couldn't put the syringe driver back up they would need to call my on call GP and get him to come out and put it up for me. This was done and the on call GP was called. Meantime I was still being sick, nothing would stay down I was in agony cos my morphine was coming back so I wasn't getting any pain relief whatsoever. It was around nine thirty before the on call GP turned up. He advised he couldn't put the syringe driver back up and instead would give me an anti sickness injection of Cyclizine which had been in the syringe driver. He advised this would do me overnight and I could ring the hospital if it started again the following morning.  He was with us all of ten minutes and disappeared and then it hit me!!
What had he done? Bloody hell I felt like I was dying.
"Lee, lee whats he done to me?"
"He gave you an anti sickness injection"
"No you don't understand bloody hell i feel like I'm hitting the ceiling.... and I did my heart was racing I couldn't keep still my arms and legs felt like they were on some sort of overdrive... I'm having a heart attack.. I must be... there's something not right I don't know what he's done..."
"Are you on something? Loraine you're not making any sense" Lee looked at me with a weird stare and I couldn't understand what he was staring at.
"He's done something to me... there's something wrong " I cried.
"Explain how you're feeling" he asked.
"My hearts beating too fast I can't catch my breath my arms and legs won't stay still I just feel like I'm on overdrive.... its not right. I'm on a high but its horrible".
Lee stood and stared "I'm ringing the doctor back" by this time it was after eleven. I spoke to the doctor explained how i was feeling and he told me I was having a panic attack and I needed to calm down take slow deep breaths and if things didn't get better to call an ambulance. Lee gave me a bag and I blew into it slow deep breaths. But he kept telling me I was doing it wrong I couldn't do it as slow as he wanted and I got irritated that he wasn't listening to me and I began to cry. I felt horrid I didn't understand this it wasn't normal. Eventually Lee rang the doctor again and they said they would send someone else but it would be about an hour. He begged me to go to bed and try and sleep and I went upstairs but my feet wouldn't stay still they thrashed around the bed my arms were the same my heart was still going far too fast so he rang an ambulance.
When the ambulance men arrived... three of them, a rapid response car and an ambulance I had nodded off and the symptoms had subsided slightly but i still felt like my heart was jumping. They got me in the back of the ambulance just as the doctor arrived at the same time. He looked at my heart trace and told me it had been a massive panic attack too and he thought I should not go to the hospital. He took me in calmed me down and left. Lee cuddled me and I apologised and headed to bed eventually I must have fallen asleep.
The following morning however the sickness began again... everything I ate or drank I brought it back... I rang the district nurses and spoke to Theresa.
"Hiya"
"Oh Loraine I've heard all about last night you've had a shit time of it haven't you? Hows the sickness?"
"Back again" I groaned.
"Right we're gonna come out and put the syringe driver back up and I'll make a call to Julie Wood too and let her know"
"Okay"
"We'll be there by ten thirty"
"Fine talk to you then" I sunk back onto the sofa. "They said they will be here by ten thirty"
"Thank god for that you look shocking"
"I feel shocking" then the phone rang again.
"Loraine its Theresa I've spoken to Julie she doesn't want us to put the syringe driver up she wants you to ring the hospital instead"
"I would but I haven't got the number I've lost them" I told her.
"I have one here hang on" she read the number out to me. "Speak to them and ring me back let me know what they say"
"Okay thanks".
So I rang the hospital and spoke to Mindy the first nurse who had done my chemotherapy. I explained my circumstances and how I'd been since treatment and she asked me a series of questions and advised me to come in to the pre-assessment unit. So I rang Theresa and advised her that's what i was doing and off we headed in the car. My bag packed ready for a hospital stay.
We arrived in the pre-assessment unit around eleven thirty and a lovely nurse showed me to the bay where I would stay until a decision was made whether to admit me or send me home.  The bed was just like the hospital trolleys in a and e not the most comfortable and I was really hurting by now so not in the best place to be.
The nurse came and took my blood pressure temperature etc then asked how i was feeling I explained i still felt nausea and that I was in a lot of pain and I'd forgotten my Oramorph she promised the doctor wouldn't be long and they'd get me sorted out.... so we waited. One of the nurses offered us a drink I asked for water and Lee chose tea. It wasn't long before I was throwing it up again. The doctor turned up and I told him about the previous night and how bad the sickness had been. One of the nurses took some blood from the PICC line in my arm and it was sent of for analysing.  Lee had disappeared for a cuppa downstairs when the nurse came and told me due to the fact I'd had diarrhoea they had to move me to an isolation room. I was shown into a small room with no windows at the side of the nurses station it had a medical couch in there a chair and a table. The couch was rock solid and like lying on a brick. "It won't be for long" the nurse told me.  Lee still wasn't back when a wheelchair turned up "there's someone here to take you for an x-ray Loraine, you're down as urgent you won't be long." I still hadn't had any morphine I was uncomfortable as hell. Off we went in this over sized wheelchair down to x-ray on the ground floor. I was sat next to an old lady and a wheelchair and left.
"I hope you're not in a rush sweetie" she said to me in her Irish accent. "I've been sitting here since two 0'clock"
"What time is it now?" A lady with dark hair standing by the wall answered me "nearly three o'clock".
"Bloody hell" I moaned "just what I need". I was dry as hell and desperate for a drink. I sat and waited and waited. Another two wheelchairs turned up and another two trolleys one with an old man who appeared to be asleep, the other with an old lady on.
"Hello Annie, I thought you'd be home by now" she said to the old lady in the wheelchair at the side of me.
"No such luck" she grumbled. "I'm here for my x-ray to hopefully go home but I've been sat here since nigh on two o'clock and still I'm waiting. Hope you're not in a rush Clarice".
"Have you asked them why you've been waiting so long?"
"No. I don't like" she replied.
"I'll ask for you, you shouldn't have to wait this long" a radiographer walked past me. "Excuse me is there any chance you could get me some water I'm gasping"
"Sure I'll get you some" the fact that I looked like the walking dead must have helped. When she came back I thanked her and said "Annie's been waiting over an hour do you know when she's having her xray she's cold out here" I added. The woman looked sympathetically at Annie then at me "I'll find out what's going on but she's not on my list", she disappeared into one of the other x-ray rooms then another  woman came out.
"Annie, I'm going to find out where your card is I'll be right back" the young woman told her. Meantime the woman on the trolley went in along with another woman sat behind me. the pain was getting really bad. "Annie your card wasn't brought with you that's why we've been waiting so long. But its here now so I'm going to take you through and we have a porter on his way so hopefully you'll be picked up as soon as we're done". 
"Oh at last" she smiled. "And whens this poor girl going to go in then, she's waited almost as long as me you know?" I heard her ask as she was taken in, I smiled to myself but unfortunately I didn't hear the answer. A woman arrived and was parked next to me in a wheelchair.
"I hope you're not in a rush" I moaned. "I've been here since around half two, quarter to three".
"You're joking?"
"Nope I wish I was" I sighed. "I've got terminal bloody cancer and they think I have time to waste sitting here for bloody hours" I whinged. 
"You okay love? You don't look good" She commented "You've gone really white".
"I'm dehydrated they were about to put fluids up when they brought me down here at quarter to three so they're not doing me any favours put it that way".
"Oh love they shouldn't make you wait not in your condition".
"Tell me about it... all my life seems to be full of is this hospital since I was diagnosed I want to enjoy what I have left instead I've spent the last three months here".
"Don't give up love" a voice came from behind me and I turned to see an oldish man sitting there, probably in his late sixties. "I was diagnosed with prostrate cancer in 1993. In 1996 they gave me six months to live. I'm still here" he smiled.
"Really?"
"Yes really," he replied. "Do you mind me asking what type of cancer you have?"
"Well it started with bladder cancer last August so they removed my bladder and gave me a Urostomy bag, then in August I got the news it was back again this time in the tissues around my bowel about two centimetres. In October my CT scan showed it had doubled to four centimetres and I had a new tumour in my pelvis which is two centimetres, its not looking good in all honesty but they're blasting me with chemotherapy so you never know. I think I pretty much need a miracle" I smiled. "And a drink of water I'm gasping" I added.
Patient after patient were taken in and still I sat there like an idiot looking as rough as a bag lady in my wheel chair. I was cold and desperate for a drink by the time it got to four twenty. Then I "heard my name mentioned. A guy came out of of the xray rooms.
"Beth?" he called as a plump lady came out of one of the x-ray rooms.
"Yes" she looked up. I take it he must have been her boss. 
"Loraine Mooney? She was brought down as an urgent case the doctors are waiting to see her on the ward" Beth looked at him puzzled.
"That's me" I said. "I've been here since quarter to three" I added. Beth looked slightly pale the guy looked at me then a little sterner at her.
"I'll take her in now"
"You do that and I'll get a porter to take her straight back". From then everything pretty much jumped into gear I was wheeled in. x-rays were taken of my abdomen and pelvis and then just as quickly I was wheeled back out. Straight into the arms of a waiting porter who proceeded to practically run to the lift with me. Its amazing ... a doctor says jump and they jump... if I'd of said jump I'd still have been sat outside that x-ray room waiting to go in, dying of thirst.
"I bet you thought I'd got lost?"
"You've been a while" Lee replied.
"Tell me about it, I felt like I'd been sat there all week. Talk about uncomfortable..and now to lie on a brick cos boy do I need to lie down".
"Have any doctors been yet?"
"No the nurse, Helen popped her head round the door about half an hour ago and said to someone else she's not back yet"
"Well I was still waiting when a phone call came through downstairs to say the doctors were waiting to see me and could they hurry up. So Dr Jagdev must be on her way".
"What do you want to do?"
"Well its a bit late to go home isn't it?"
"We're back here for pre-assessment anyway at 9.50 so you'd be better staying anyway".
"Yeah true lets see what she says".
Dr Jagdev appeared about ten minutes later. "Loraine, you've not been too well I hear?"
"No, I was fine until they took the syringe driver down then the sickness came back and an on call GP decided to give me an injection of Cyclizine and I hit the ceiling." I told her. "And I've got really bad diarrhoea".
"Okay well I think firstly we should get the syringe driver up and get your sickness back under control. Your bloods are back and you are a little dehydrated too, what do you want to do?"
"Well in all honesty I'm back early tomorrow for pre-assessment anyway, and with the sickness and everything I'd rather stay until it settles if that's okay".
"I think its a good choice Loraine. We can get your sickness settled and you'll be here for pre-assessment tomorrow. So Helen, can we get Loraine a room sorted?"
"Yes there should be one free shortly on 96" Helen replied.
"Can I have some pain relief too only I haven't had any because it keeps coming back" I asked Dr Jagdev.
"Yes we'll get you written up for some".
"Thanks".


It was just after six when I was shown to room 14 on ward 96. A single bed room with a nice en-suite, a lovely view and a TV on a stand at the bottom of the bed. The TV wasn't the best but I could get ITV on it at least after a bit of messing with the aerial. Lee stayed until around seven and then I told him to go home he looked shattered. I was shattered too the nurse came in to introduce herself and it was Antonetta whom I'd had when I'd been admitted to 96 last time.
"Hi, we've met I'm Loraine. I was here last round of Chemotherapy" I told her. 
"I thought I recognised the name, you're the one getting married in January?"
"Thats right yes"
"Hows the wedding plans going?"
"Well they'd be a lot better if I could stay out of this place" I told her. She laughed.
"You're having a rough time of it aren't you?"
"Couldn't get much worse" I replied.
"Right I'll get the syringe driver put up for you now and some saline, would you like a drink?"
"Can I have some water? I don't know if I'll keep it down but I'm willing to give it a go".
"Sure, i'll go get you the syringe driver and morphine now and get one of the other staff to bring you some water whilst I'm sorting it out".
"Thanks".
"No problem".
Around nine I settled down for the night. Drip hooked up, I'd had morphine and the syringe driver was fitted. I rang Lee to say good night and settled down to sleep.

Thurs 17th November - Chemo... Again!!

We arrived at the hospital again ready for chemo at approximately eight thirty Thursday morning. This time my named nurse was Joanne and she went through everything we needed to know with a fine tooth comb, it was brilliant to have someone who understood my questions.

We began treatment around nine and settled down for boredom... and it was once again we were in a sat in a circle on our recliners with a drip feeding us chemotherapy. No telly and no radio. The lady next to me was still patiently waiting for results of her blood tests at lunch time. Only to be told they'd been lost and she could either give blood again and wait til the following day for chemo. Or she could hang fire and wait for the results and then potentially have chemo the same day. She chose to go home, its amazing how many mistakes they are making!  The rest of the time on the ward having chemo was pretty much uneventful... it is so boring sitting there with no TV, no radio... I'm gonna have to bring some entertainment with me next time because I've had enough of being bored.

Joanne gave me my drugs to take at the end of the day and hooked me up to a syringe driver ready for me to go home. The syringe driver helps with sickness there is no doubt with that but its so bloody uncomfortable and such a hindrance having to carry it around everywhere you go. Its in effect a syringe in a box which disperses anti-sickness medication into your body on a slow release basis and prevents sickness. It does work and I would recommend it to anyone that has a problem with sickness after chemotherapy. 

We finally left the ward at seven thirty extremely tired and so glad to be going home.

Wednesday 14th November - Bloods or Pre-Assessment?

I woke on Wednesday morning with the thought in my head, shouldn't I be having a full pre-assessment today prior to treatment? And, so, after voicing my concerns to Lee I rang St James's day case oncology unit to check.  I rang the Oncology day case unit to voice my concerns and put them all in a tizz... as I was told on the phone we'll ring you back. They did and I was told I had to go for preassessment they were sorry when could I get there. I explained my stair carpet was being fitted it would have to be after that. "That's fine just make yourself known when you come to clinic".
It was after one when we arrived at the hospital. There was no appointment. I was asked to take a seat. Then a doctor I'd never seen before came to get me from the waiting room with Lee. "Follow me please, follow me" he wasn't English perhaps Greek I thought. He showed us both to his office and we took a seat. Then his first words were..."Why do you want to see me?" I looked at Lee and he looked pissed off and then I looked at the doctor.
"I have no idea why I'm here. I'm here for pre-assessment" I told him.
"Oh I was told you need a syringe driver and you want to speak about one" Lee was angry and got up.
"I'm gonna go outside darl. I have to go out before I loose it". I nodded I was ready for loosing it myself but I knew Lee was worried he would loose his temper.
The doctor looked up at the door then at me and I just looked at him.
It took a good half an hour to get to the bottom of what was going on. They wanted me to see this doctor prior to my next lot of chemo as they wanted me to have a syringe driver in again to prevent the sickness. It suddenly all made sense.  Then he went on to explain about cycles and chemo and to ask if I had any questions. I finally felt like I was being listened too. I explained my worries and why Lee had walked out and told him my fears about missing treatment and he explained how it could be added on. Any cycles I missed they could be added. I called Lee in we and asked for him to explain it to Lee. He came back into the room reluctantly and as the doctor talked I could see him relax. We both listened and went outside it was then that Lee told me he had an appointment with Dr Jagdev....
"What do you mean?"
"I told Louise I wasn't happy, we've to sit and wait she's seeing us soon".
"OK" I sat and we waited.
When we went in it was a mixture of emotions for me, I told her how worried I was at cancelling treatment. How scared I was about the new diagnosis and how terrified I was that I wouldn't be here in time for my wedding in January. She listened and said how sorry she was about the emotions I'd been going through and how a lot of ms-communication had not helped. She also apologised for the comment one tumour or four the outcome and treatment will still remain the same.... that line will ring in my ears for as long as I can remember. Its a comment I can no longer shake off. I then showed Dr Jagdev the paperwork for my ill health retirement pension and what I needed. She was only too glad to look at it and said she would happily fill it in. We left her office a lot happier and clearer about what is going to happen from now on.