Tuesday 20th December - Normality at last!!

To all of you have been reading my blog so far - thank you. I can only apologise for the large gaps during my off days. But lifting my head up has been an effort some days so typing was not an option.
The problem being the syringe driver, as much as its great as in the anti-sickness drugs running through it stop me being sick, they also have a sedation effect which pretty much allows me to sleep and eat and nothing else. I'm pretty knackered all the time with it on. But, Monday was hallelujah day cos the syringe driver was taken off and I've agreed with the docs no more chemo until 18th January so I can concentrate with getting back to normal and enjoying my life again.... and I am enjoying it. Yesterday we went into Wakefield and I called into work to see my colleagues and gave out my Christmas cards. However, after an hour I was pretty much knackered and ready for my bed. I'm hoping my energy levels will increase as time goes on this tiredness... is well... exhausting. 
Today, Tuesday has been a good day I've been into Ossett had a walk around the market holding onto Lee's arm for support felt like the most natural thing in the world.  I'm hoping I'll be able to just walk around holding his hand soon and not use him as a human crutch.  I managed a bacon sandwich at Eller coffee which is the most I've eaten in days my appetite isn't at its best. Although I am drinking bucket loads of pineapple juice apparently its good for me so just as well I'm craving it eh?

Monday 21st November - Tuesday 22 November Sickness returns.

I woke early Monday ready for the nurses coming to change my syringe driver. They finally appeared at eleven thirty and told me the syringe driver was going to be removed. I was happy elated it meant I could have a shower etc and I was looking forward to that. The problem with the syringe driver is that you're not allowed to get it wet and with that in one arm and the picc line in the other it pretty much makes it impossible to shower or bath so its a strip wash every morning.
The nurses came and removed it and I felt fine and jumped straight in the shower. I had some lunch, just tomato soup but hey ho better than nothing. It wasn't until around two thirty when I was sick the first time, but I'd just knocked my arm so put it down to that. By four thirty I was hanging over the loo vomiting water and that's when we gave in and Lee rang the district nurses. They were in the middle of changeover and advised that the on call team would call and see me, later that day. It was after six by the time they showed and they advised me as the prescription said it had to end that day they couldn't put the syringe driver back up they would need to call my on call GP and get him to come out and put it up for me. This was done and the on call GP was called. Meantime I was still being sick, nothing would stay down I was in agony cos my morphine was coming back so I wasn't getting any pain relief whatsoever. It was around nine thirty before the on call GP turned up. He advised he couldn't put the syringe driver back up and instead would give me an anti sickness injection of Cyclizine which had been in the syringe driver. He advised this would do me overnight and I could ring the hospital if it started again the following morning.  He was with us all of ten minutes and disappeared and then it hit me!!
What had he done? Bloody hell I felt like I was dying.
"Lee, lee whats he done to me?"
"He gave you an anti sickness injection"
"No you don't understand bloody hell i feel like I'm hitting the ceiling.... and I did my heart was racing I couldn't keep still my arms and legs felt like they were on some sort of overdrive... I'm having a heart attack.. I must be... there's something not right I don't know what he's done..."
"Are you on something? Loraine you're not making any sense" Lee looked at me with a weird stare and I couldn't understand what he was staring at.
"He's done something to me... there's something wrong " I cried.
"Explain how you're feeling" he asked.
"My hearts beating too fast I can't catch my breath my arms and legs won't stay still I just feel like I'm on overdrive.... its not right. I'm on a high but its horrible".
Lee stood and stared "I'm ringing the doctor back" by this time it was after eleven. I spoke to the doctor explained how i was feeling and he told me I was having a panic attack and I needed to calm down take slow deep breaths and if things didn't get better to call an ambulance. Lee gave me a bag and I blew into it slow deep breaths. But he kept telling me I was doing it wrong I couldn't do it as slow as he wanted and I got irritated that he wasn't listening to me and I began to cry. I felt horrid I didn't understand this it wasn't normal. Eventually Lee rang the doctor again and they said they would send someone else but it would be about an hour. He begged me to go to bed and try and sleep and I went upstairs but my feet wouldn't stay still they thrashed around the bed my arms were the same my heart was still going far too fast so he rang an ambulance.
When the ambulance men arrived... three of them, a rapid response car and an ambulance I had nodded off and the symptoms had subsided slightly but i still felt like my heart was jumping. They got me in the back of the ambulance just as the doctor arrived at the same time. He looked at my heart trace and told me it had been a massive panic attack too and he thought I should not go to the hospital. He took me in calmed me down and left. Lee cuddled me and I apologised and headed to bed eventually I must have fallen asleep.
The following morning however the sickness began again... everything I ate or drank I brought it back... I rang the district nurses and spoke to Theresa.
"Hiya"
"Oh Loraine I've heard all about last night you've had a shit time of it haven't you? Hows the sickness?"
"Back again" I groaned.
"Right we're gonna come out and put the syringe driver back up and I'll make a call to Julie Wood too and let her know"
"Okay"
"We'll be there by ten thirty"
"Fine talk to you then" I sunk back onto the sofa. "They said they will be here by ten thirty"
"Thank god for that you look shocking"
"I feel shocking" then the phone rang again.
"Loraine its Theresa I've spoken to Julie she doesn't want us to put the syringe driver up she wants you to ring the hospital instead"
"I would but I haven't got the number I've lost them" I told her.
"I have one here hang on" she read the number out to me. "Speak to them and ring me back let me know what they say"
"Okay thanks".
So I rang the hospital and spoke to Mindy the first nurse who had done my chemotherapy. I explained my circumstances and how I'd been since treatment and she asked me a series of questions and advised me to come in to the pre-assessment unit. So I rang Theresa and advised her that's what i was doing and off we headed in the car. My bag packed ready for a hospital stay.
We arrived in the pre-assessment unit around eleven thirty and a lovely nurse showed me to the bay where I would stay until a decision was made whether to admit me or send me home.  The bed was just like the hospital trolleys in a and e not the most comfortable and I was really hurting by now so not in the best place to be.
The nurse came and took my blood pressure temperature etc then asked how i was feeling I explained i still felt nausea and that I was in a lot of pain and I'd forgotten my Oramorph she promised the doctor wouldn't be long and they'd get me sorted out.... so we waited. One of the nurses offered us a drink I asked for water and Lee chose tea. It wasn't long before I was throwing it up again. The doctor turned up and I told him about the previous night and how bad the sickness had been. One of the nurses took some blood from the PICC line in my arm and it was sent of for analysing.  Lee had disappeared for a cuppa downstairs when the nurse came and told me due to the fact I'd had diarrhoea they had to move me to an isolation room. I was shown into a small room with no windows at the side of the nurses station it had a medical couch in there a chair and a table. The couch was rock solid and like lying on a brick. "It won't be for long" the nurse told me.  Lee still wasn't back when a wheelchair turned up "there's someone here to take you for an x-ray Loraine, you're down as urgent you won't be long." I still hadn't had any morphine I was uncomfortable as hell. Off we went in this over sized wheelchair down to x-ray on the ground floor. I was sat next to an old lady and a wheelchair and left.
"I hope you're not in a rush sweetie" she said to me in her Irish accent. "I've been sitting here since two 0'clock"
"What time is it now?" A lady with dark hair standing by the wall answered me "nearly three o'clock".
"Bloody hell" I moaned "just what I need". I was dry as hell and desperate for a drink. I sat and waited and waited. Another two wheelchairs turned up and another two trolleys one with an old man who appeared to be asleep, the other with an old lady on.
"Hello Annie, I thought you'd be home by now" she said to the old lady in the wheelchair at the side of me.
"No such luck" she grumbled. "I'm here for my x-ray to hopefully go home but I've been sat here since nigh on two o'clock and still I'm waiting. Hope you're not in a rush Clarice".
"Have you asked them why you've been waiting so long?"
"No. I don't like" she replied.
"I'll ask for you, you shouldn't have to wait this long" a radiographer walked past me. "Excuse me is there any chance you could get me some water I'm gasping"
"Sure I'll get you some" the fact that I looked like the walking dead must have helped. When she came back I thanked her and said "Annie's been waiting over an hour do you know when she's having her xray she's cold out here" I added. The woman looked sympathetically at Annie then at me "I'll find out what's going on but she's not on my list", she disappeared into one of the other x-ray rooms then another  woman came out.
"Annie, I'm going to find out where your card is I'll be right back" the young woman told her. Meantime the woman on the trolley went in along with another woman sat behind me. the pain was getting really bad. "Annie your card wasn't brought with you that's why we've been waiting so long. But its here now so I'm going to take you through and we have a porter on his way so hopefully you'll be picked up as soon as we're done". 
"Oh at last" she smiled. "And whens this poor girl going to go in then, she's waited almost as long as me you know?" I heard her ask as she was taken in, I smiled to myself but unfortunately I didn't hear the answer. A woman arrived and was parked next to me in a wheelchair.
"I hope you're not in a rush" I moaned. "I've been here since around half two, quarter to three".
"You're joking?"
"Nope I wish I was" I sighed. "I've got terminal bloody cancer and they think I have time to waste sitting here for bloody hours" I whinged. 
"You okay love? You don't look good" She commented "You've gone really white".
"I'm dehydrated they were about to put fluids up when they brought me down here at quarter to three so they're not doing me any favours put it that way".
"Oh love they shouldn't make you wait not in your condition".
"Tell me about it... all my life seems to be full of is this hospital since I was diagnosed I want to enjoy what I have left instead I've spent the last three months here".
"Don't give up love" a voice came from behind me and I turned to see an oldish man sitting there, probably in his late sixties. "I was diagnosed with prostrate cancer in 1993. In 1996 they gave me six months to live. I'm still here" he smiled.
"Really?"
"Yes really," he replied. "Do you mind me asking what type of cancer you have?"
"Well it started with bladder cancer last August so they removed my bladder and gave me a Urostomy bag, then in August I got the news it was back again this time in the tissues around my bowel about two centimetres. In October my CT scan showed it had doubled to four centimetres and I had a new tumour in my pelvis which is two centimetres, its not looking good in all honesty but they're blasting me with chemotherapy so you never know. I think I pretty much need a miracle" I smiled. "And a drink of water I'm gasping" I added.
Patient after patient were taken in and still I sat there like an idiot looking as rough as a bag lady in my wheel chair. I was cold and desperate for a drink by the time it got to four twenty. Then I "heard my name mentioned. A guy came out of of the xray rooms.
"Beth?" he called as a plump lady came out of one of the x-ray rooms.
"Yes" she looked up. I take it he must have been her boss. 
"Loraine Mooney? She was brought down as an urgent case the doctors are waiting to see her on the ward" Beth looked at him puzzled.
"That's me" I said. "I've been here since quarter to three" I added. Beth looked slightly pale the guy looked at me then a little sterner at her.
"I'll take her in now"
"You do that and I'll get a porter to take her straight back". From then everything pretty much jumped into gear I was wheeled in. x-rays were taken of my abdomen and pelvis and then just as quickly I was wheeled back out. Straight into the arms of a waiting porter who proceeded to practically run to the lift with me. Its amazing ... a doctor says jump and they jump... if I'd of said jump I'd still have been sat outside that x-ray room waiting to go in, dying of thirst.
"I bet you thought I'd got lost?"
"You've been a while" Lee replied.
"Tell me about it, I felt like I'd been sat there all week. Talk about uncomfortable..and now to lie on a brick cos boy do I need to lie down".
"Have any doctors been yet?"
"No the nurse, Helen popped her head round the door about half an hour ago and said to someone else she's not back yet"
"Well I was still waiting when a phone call came through downstairs to say the doctors were waiting to see me and could they hurry up. So Dr Jagdev must be on her way".
"What do you want to do?"
"Well its a bit late to go home isn't it?"
"We're back here for pre-assessment anyway at 9.50 so you'd be better staying anyway".
"Yeah true lets see what she says".
Dr Jagdev appeared about ten minutes later. "Loraine, you've not been too well I hear?"
"No, I was fine until they took the syringe driver down then the sickness came back and an on call GP decided to give me an injection of Cyclizine and I hit the ceiling." I told her. "And I've got really bad diarrhoea".
"Okay well I think firstly we should get the syringe driver up and get your sickness back under control. Your bloods are back and you are a little dehydrated too, what do you want to do?"
"Well in all honesty I'm back early tomorrow for pre-assessment anyway, and with the sickness and everything I'd rather stay until it settles if that's okay".
"I think its a good choice Loraine. We can get your sickness settled and you'll be here for pre-assessment tomorrow. So Helen, can we get Loraine a room sorted?"
"Yes there should be one free shortly on 96" Helen replied.
"Can I have some pain relief too only I haven't had any because it keeps coming back" I asked Dr Jagdev.
"Yes we'll get you written up for some".
"Thanks".


It was just after six when I was shown to room 14 on ward 96. A single bed room with a nice en-suite, a lovely view and a TV on a stand at the bottom of the bed. The TV wasn't the best but I could get ITV on it at least after a bit of messing with the aerial. Lee stayed until around seven and then I told him to go home he looked shattered. I was shattered too the nurse came in to introduce herself and it was Antonetta whom I'd had when I'd been admitted to 96 last time.
"Hi, we've met I'm Loraine. I was here last round of Chemotherapy" I told her. 
"I thought I recognised the name, you're the one getting married in January?"
"Thats right yes"
"Hows the wedding plans going?"
"Well they'd be a lot better if I could stay out of this place" I told her. She laughed.
"You're having a rough time of it aren't you?"
"Couldn't get much worse" I replied.
"Right I'll get the syringe driver put up for you now and some saline, would you like a drink?"
"Can I have some water? I don't know if I'll keep it down but I'm willing to give it a go".
"Sure, i'll go get you the syringe driver and morphine now and get one of the other staff to bring you some water whilst I'm sorting it out".
"Thanks".
"No problem".
Around nine I settled down for the night. Drip hooked up, I'd had morphine and the syringe driver was fitted. I rang Lee to say good night and settled down to sleep.

Thurs 17th November - Chemo... Again!!

We arrived at the hospital again ready for chemo at approximately eight thirty Thursday morning. This time my named nurse was Joanne and she went through everything we needed to know with a fine tooth comb, it was brilliant to have someone who understood my questions.

We began treatment around nine and settled down for boredom... and it was once again we were in a sat in a circle on our recliners with a drip feeding us chemotherapy. No telly and no radio. The lady next to me was still patiently waiting for results of her blood tests at lunch time. Only to be told they'd been lost and she could either give blood again and wait til the following day for chemo. Or she could hang fire and wait for the results and then potentially have chemo the same day. She chose to go home, its amazing how many mistakes they are making!  The rest of the time on the ward having chemo was pretty much uneventful... it is so boring sitting there with no TV, no radio... I'm gonna have to bring some entertainment with me next time because I've had enough of being bored.

Joanne gave me my drugs to take at the end of the day and hooked me up to a syringe driver ready for me to go home. The syringe driver helps with sickness there is no doubt with that but its so bloody uncomfortable and such a hindrance having to carry it around everywhere you go. Its in effect a syringe in a box which disperses anti-sickness medication into your body on a slow release basis and prevents sickness. It does work and I would recommend it to anyone that has a problem with sickness after chemotherapy. 

We finally left the ward at seven thirty extremely tired and so glad to be going home.

Wednesday 14th November - Bloods or Pre-Assessment?

I woke on Wednesday morning with the thought in my head, shouldn't I be having a full pre-assessment today prior to treatment? And, so, after voicing my concerns to Lee I rang St James's day case oncology unit to check.  I rang the Oncology day case unit to voice my concerns and put them all in a tizz... as I was told on the phone we'll ring you back. They did and I was told I had to go for preassessment they were sorry when could I get there. I explained my stair carpet was being fitted it would have to be after that. "That's fine just make yourself known when you come to clinic".
It was after one when we arrived at the hospital. There was no appointment. I was asked to take a seat. Then a doctor I'd never seen before came to get me from the waiting room with Lee. "Follow me please, follow me" he wasn't English perhaps Greek I thought. He showed us both to his office and we took a seat. Then his first words were..."Why do you want to see me?" I looked at Lee and he looked pissed off and then I looked at the doctor.
"I have no idea why I'm here. I'm here for pre-assessment" I told him.
"Oh I was told you need a syringe driver and you want to speak about one" Lee was angry and got up.
"I'm gonna go outside darl. I have to go out before I loose it". I nodded I was ready for loosing it myself but I knew Lee was worried he would loose his temper.
The doctor looked up at the door then at me and I just looked at him.
It took a good half an hour to get to the bottom of what was going on. They wanted me to see this doctor prior to my next lot of chemo as they wanted me to have a syringe driver in again to prevent the sickness. It suddenly all made sense.  Then he went on to explain about cycles and chemo and to ask if I had any questions. I finally felt like I was being listened too. I explained my worries and why Lee had walked out and told him my fears about missing treatment and he explained how it could be added on. Any cycles I missed they could be added. I called Lee in we and asked for him to explain it to Lee. He came back into the room reluctantly and as the doctor talked I could see him relax. We both listened and went outside it was then that Lee told me he had an appointment with Dr Jagdev....
"What do you mean?"
"I told Louise I wasn't happy, we've to sit and wait she's seeing us soon".
"OK" I sat and we waited.
When we went in it was a mixture of emotions for me, I told her how worried I was at cancelling treatment. How scared I was about the new diagnosis and how terrified I was that I wouldn't be here in time for my wedding in January. She listened and said how sorry she was about the emotions I'd been going through and how a lot of ms-communication had not helped. She also apologised for the comment one tumour or four the outcome and treatment will still remain the same.... that line will ring in my ears for as long as I can remember. Its a comment I can no longer shake off. I then showed Dr Jagdev the paperwork for my ill health retirement pension and what I needed. She was only too glad to look at it and said she would happily fill it in. We left her office a lot happier and clearer about what is going to happen from now on.

Wednesday 9th November 2011 - Cancellation and Delays!!

Just to bring you all up to speed I left hospital on Tuesday 1st November without the syringe driver which had only been in overnight feeling relatively okay. Pre assessment was set for Tuesday 8th November and I happily went along with Lee in tow this time having Liz as my named nurse I trusted how now we had a bond. I got weighed six more pounds drop but I have a few pounds to loose so hey ho who cares!!

On Wednesday 9th November, I was due at Jimmy's at 2.45pm for treatment and at 12 ish that day the phone rang. The guy on the other end said he was a registrar on Dr Jagdev's team and how he had been told to call me and cancel my treatment. I immediately panicked saying I didn't agree with his decision and how I wanted the treatment and felt fine to have it. But he was adamant in what he was saying no treatment today instead we were requested to attend outpatients to see him. A Mr Triggoli so along I went to outpatients a not very happy bunny!

It was whilst sat there that I realised I'd forgotten the paperwork I'd brought with me that I needed signing, paperwork for Dr Jagdev's team to fill in for my pension.
"I'll go get it from the car " Lee told me "Don't worry I won't be long" and he wasn't. Our appointment was 2.45 and we were still sitting waiting at 3.30pm at 4 I started to get fed up and pain was kicking in which didn't help. I never brought my tablets, (morphine) out with me and at outpatients I knew what it was like I never went in on time. But this was bordering on ridiculous. When we finally got called in all the guy did was continue to get my back up going on and on about cycle dates and when my cycles were expected etc. I told him to shut up and got arsey and said he  had to listen to how he had made me feel then I began.....
I explained that cancelling on me last minute for treatment was not an option and how unhappy I was that this option had been taking. I told him how fed up I was on waiting for results from ct scan and bone scans back in October. I explained I didn't think i was getting enough feedback from the doctors and how I was being left out on a limb on a regular basis and how I wasn't happy. He looked quite ashen when I finished and I felt a twinge of guilt.
"I understand how you're feeling" first words out of his mouth.
"No actually you don't unless you are faced with a death sentence then you haven't a clue"... he tried again.
"I understand that to you it may feel like we haven't thought things through but trust me we have. Normally if you miss day eight we wouldn't re arrange it we would simply omit it from your treatment altogether. As for your results I can tell you what they are. There was no growth in your bones so your bone scan is clear."
"And the CT Scan?" I asked.
"Mm yes well, lets see..." as soon as he began to dither I knew there was a problem and latched onto Lee's hand as if it were a vice...."Mm well as you know you had a 2cm tumour in the tissues around your bowel, I'm afraid that is now 4cm's and you have another 2cm growth in your pelvis". The room went quiet apart from me crying I looked at Lee and his face had sunk.
"Do you not think maybe you should have told Loraine this news sooner?" Lee asked.
"Well its doesn't matter if its one lump or four lumps at the end of the day the treatment and the outcome will still be the same" he told us both.
"My argument is that if its doubled then surely i need the treatment more than anything instead you're stopping it. I'm really not happy. But I guess I have to trust you so what happens next?"
"Well you will come back for your chemo as scheduled on Tuesday 13th November".
"Okay fine! I need this paperwork filling in as work are wanting to pension me off. Can you fill it in?"
"No it has to be your GP" he told me.
"No my GP can't she doesn't know enough to feel comfortable".
"Try your GP" said the voice and I walked out of the office feeling extremely demoralised and somewhat more ill than I'd felt before".

Monday 31st October - The cupboard!!

Monday morning around ten am the Macmillan nurse Julie rang me "How you feeling Loraine?"
"Not good I was sick another three times last night and I'm drinking water now just so I have something to bring back when I start retching. But there's nothing left in my stomach its empty, the anti-sickness drugs are just coming back too now".
"Oh Loraine we need to get it under control then, when are you at the hospital?"
"One fifteen for pre-assessment"
"And whens your next lot of chemotherapy?"
"Tuesday"
"Mm, well I don't think they'll give you it Loraine they'll want to get your sickness under control first and stabilise you so don't be surprised if they say you're not getting it. I think we should go ahead and get a syringe driver I can organise for your district nurses to call after you get back with one and then they can get that fitted for you, okay?"
"Okay".
"I will give you a ring Tuesday and see how things are".
"Okay thanks Julie. Lee I've been thinking whenever I have a hangover or I'm feeling sick I normally have Fanta orange would you maybe get me some from the shop and I'll just try it and see if it works".
"Course I can darl just let me get these shorts off and into my jeans and I'll go to the shop, do we need anything else?"
"I don't know there's some money in my purse though just get what you think and take it out of that" Lee handed me a cup of tea and my tablets.
"Get them down you" Lee held out the tablets. I grimaced, "you okay?" 
"Just not looking forward to being sick again".
"You might not be"
"Here goes then" I took the tablets with some water and slowly sipped my tea. Lee brought through some Ginger biscuits.
"Here nibble on that they're supposed to help with sickness". One bite of the biscuit was all it took I got off the settee and shot to the toilet just in time to be sick again and again and again. Once again Lee rubbed my back and held my hair with the other hand.
"Better?"
"A bit"
"Hello" a voice called from the hallway. It was my mum.
"In here Marlene" Lee called her.
"Everything okay?"
"No Loraine's just been sick again we'll be out in a minute". We heard her walking into the living room with her stick. I groaned my stomach hurt my throat hurt I felt bloody lousy.
"Finished?" Lee asked as I got up off the floor and let go of the toilet and followed Lee slowly into the living room.
"You look shocking" my dad said. 
"Thanks I feel worse than I look". Mum came over for a kiss and a cuddle, since her illness she's gone all sentimental and has to cuddle everyone, to be honest it drives me nuts. 
"Give me a cuddle" she asked and held out her arms.
"Mum please, don't.." I put my hand over my mouth as I burped only to gain more sick in my mouth. "move quick" i ran past her for the toilet again and heard her say.
"Lee she looks shocking, is she not holding anything down?"
"Not since this morning she's only had a cup of tea  and two bites out of her toast and they didn't stay down for while".
"Make sure she tells them how bad its been when you go".
"I will Marlene don't worry". I walked back into the living room and headed for the sofa I needed to sleep before we had to go all the way over there.
"Is there anything you need me to do whilst I'm here?"
"No, no I'm fine you just sit with Loraine". I must have drifted off to sleep because when I woke mum and dad had gone and Lee gave me a kiss and told me we had to leave in half an hour.


We got to the pre-assessment clinic and were told to sit and wait in area 3 to be called. I felt terrible, I was cold one minute hot the next. I got a cup of water and sat down and took a sip of it.
"Oh Lee I'm gonna be sick again". I felt my stomach retching. A nurse walked past me at this point
"Excuse me could I please have a sick bowl?"
"Yes I'll get you one" she soon returned back to me and I held it in front of me.
"Are you waiting for the pre-assessment team?" She asked me and I nodded. "Right lets get you into a side room and you can wait there to be seen". So, Lee helped me off the chair and we walked into a side room. "Oh love how long have you been like this?"
"I started being sick on Thursday. Macmillan have changed my anti-sickness tablets but there not even staying down now. I'm drinking water just to be able to bring it back so it doesn't hurt as much". I told her and then was sick in the bowl. "I'll go get you another one and we'll come and do your assessment in here and I'm going to go get a doctor Loraine".
"Okay".
"Thanks" Lee added and rubbed my back. Liz brought me another sick bowl and told me she was going to get a doctor. When the doctor walked in I was on my hands and knees over the sick bowl being sick again.
"Oh no no this isn't good" the doctor said when she saw me. "We're going to admit you Loraine. You cannot go home like this you are dehydrated. What we need to do is admit you put you a line in and give you some fluids and some anti-sickness through a syringe driver. But you need to stay in so we can give you the fluids okay?"
"I don't have anything with me" I replied.
"We are a hospital we can lend you some things. Don't worry".
"Okay" I replied sitting on the chair with Lee's arm around me.
"We're going to try and find you a bed" Liz the nurse explained. "I just need to make a few phone calls meanwhile I'll try and find you a room with a bed so you can lie down". Liz left the room and returned about fifteen minutes later. "We can't get you a bed on a ward until after six o'clock Loraine" Liz said when she returned."But meantime we've found you a bed in a room in outpatients so you can at least lie down and we're going to put you a drip up whilst you are waiting to go to the ward. So if you both want to come with me I'll show you the way, okay?" I nodded and got up off my chair Lee held my hand and Liz linked my left arm. "We don't want you falling over so Lee and I will balance you between us okay?"
"Yes okay".  We walked through outpatients oncology and round a corner and into... a cupboard....Liz opened the door and I looked at Lee and he looked at me and we smiled.... there was a hospital bed in the room which wasn't big enough to swing a cat in. It was some kind of storage place with shelves of files etc to the left and a big set of wheelchair weighing scales to the left of the bed.
"Its different" 
"Certainly is"
"Sorry I know its only a cupboard but at least you can get your head down".
"Its brilliant Liz, thanks".


Within half an hour I was hooked up to drip with fluids in to re-hydrate me again and some anti- sickness was put into my PICC line. All we had to do now is wait for a bed.
"I'll wait til you're settled then I'll go pack you a bag and come back, I just hope I can find my way home".
"Oh Lee I hadn't thought of that" every time we came to the hospital etc I directed Lee. I do have  a sat nav in the car... however she is more likely to get you lost than find the way as we've experienced on a few occasions,, (the last one being when I picked Lee up from the airport and she took us all the way back to Manchester airport when some road maintenance had closed the M62).
"Don't worry darl I'll find it, I can't go wrong if I follow the signs for Wakefield can I?"
"No not really you just follow the signs for Wakefield and you want to come off at Junction 40 you should recognise it from there".
"Okay, don't worry I'm not going anywhere until you are settled". It was at that point I remembered Logan had tried to call me so I gave him a ring. 
"Logan did you try call me?"
"Yes I was trying to find out where gran and grandad where. I'd got something to drop off at theirs to for their laptop but gran wasn't answering the phone".
"Are you at Grans now?"
"No I'm back at home now".
"Well I'm going to be staying in"
"Yes I just read that on facebook. Are you okay mum?"
"I will be I just need something to stop me being sick. They're going to keep me in and put me on a drip overnight to try and sort it out. Well I've got the drip up now".
"What ward are you on?"
"I'm not I'm on a bed in a cupboard" I told him.
"What?" He asked laughing.
"I'm not joking" I told him. "They haven't got me a bed on a ward yet so they've stuck a bed into a storage cupboard and I'm on top of it" I laughed and he laughed with me. It was great talking to Logan again it seems like ages since I saw him. "We'll have to sort out for you to come and see your bedroom" Lee's almost finished it and I think you will like it".
"I'll come after school one day for tea"
"When?"
"I don't know I'll sort something out"
"Okay then". I put the phone down.
"Everything okay? When's he coming?"
"I don't know he said he'll get back to me. He did think it was funny that I was on a bed in a cupboard though".
"Well I find it funny too" Lee smiled. "Don't worry about Logan he'll come visit when he's ready".
"I hope so Lee, I really do". 


It was half past six before Louise came to get me out of the cupboard and put me in a wheelchair to take me up to the ward. It was dark outside and the corridor of outpatients was completely deserted as everyone had gone home. Louise pushed the wheelchair and at the side of her, Lee wheeled my drip whilst carrying my handbag. We got into a lift and went up to the fifth floor and entered a corridor with a desk on the right.
"I've got Loraine Mooney, where do you want her?"
"Room 9" the nurse replied. "But I don't think its ready yet so if you want to put Loraine in the day room we'll come and get her when we're ready. It shouldn't be long they're just finishing washing the bed".
I looked at Lee and smiled as Louise wheeled us into the day room. A flat screen TV stood on one side of the room and two leather settees were in there along with a bookshelf filled with books.
"This is so NOT Pinderfields" I smiled at Lee.


"What do you mean?"
"They're washing my bed, Pinderfields don't wash beds, well if they do I've never seen them do it. The amount of beds I've seen with dried blood on them and on the floor. This day room for instance Pinderfields would have the oldest telly sat there which wouldn't work or had a dodgy picture and you'd have them horrid high back plastic chairs to sit on. This is like a five star hotel compared to Pinderfields. I can't wait to see my room".
"You've got a bit more colour now anyway, you looked grey earlier but you look better now".
"I feel a lot better it must have be the fluid and anti-sickness kicking in".
"Loraine?" A nurse called my name as she popped her head around the door. "Your rooms ready if you'd like to come with me". So I got up off the settee and pushed my drip stand and Lee took my bag and we headed to room 9. I was in a private room of my own, it was really really nice. there was a table and chair by the window. A flat screen TV stood on a chrome stand at the bottom of my bed. At the foot of the bed was a sink, and to the right was my own en suite bathroom. "This is lovely. So much different than being on a ward with twenty-eight beds in and sharing a bathroom that has dirty bed pans all over the floor and is covered in dirt. Its like being in a hotel, I could get used to this". Lee smiled and the nurse laughed. "I just need to take some details off you Loraine and fill in an admission form then we will get the syringe driver sorted out and put you some more fluids up".
"Okay thanks do you think I could get some morphine too cos I don't have anything with me?"
"Yes we'll need to get a doctor to prescribe it before we can give it to you though".
"Okay. I don't have any pyjamas or anything either do you think I could have something to wear?"
"We can get you a gown its the one of those that show your bum but you've got your own room so it doesn't matter does it".
"No true yes that's fine. You don't have to come back then Lee if I can get what I need here then i don't need anything I have a spare bag change in my bag. You get yourself off home and I'll see you tomorrow. My batteries nearly dead on my phone so just let everyone know can you then they won't text me and run it down. That way I'll have enough battery to ring you tomorrow".
"Right Loraine, I'm going off shift now its Elaine that will be looking after you so I'll pass everything to her and she'll be in with your syringe driver, more saline for your drip and some morphine, okay?"
"Okay thanks".
"I better go too" Lee told me and smiled. 
"Can you put tv on for me first see if you can get it to work?"
"Course I can" he moved the aerial which sat on top of a cupboard standing behind the tv. "Is that okay?"
"The pictures a bit wobbly" I told him.
"How about that?"
"Yes thats better" I got off the bed and gave him a cuddle. "I love you Mr McEvoy"
"I love you too Mrs McEvoy, try and get some sleep".
"I will. Let me know when you get home".
"I'll send you a text" Lee replied and off he went. I settled down to watch some tv I caught the back end of coronation street and then the hotel inspector... better than nothing. It was ten thirty before a doctor popped in to see me.
"Hi Loraine I'm Dr Wood, one of the registrars on the ward. I just want to take a look at you". The drip started beeping at this point. "Oh, whats wrong with that?" She asked out loud I'm not sure the question was directed at me but I couldn't resist answering.
"Its empty, its been empty for the past three hours" I replied.
"Oh I'll have to get one of the nurses to sort it out for you" she replied.
"Well they said they had to wait and see you and get it signed off so they could give me it".
"Ah right. So has the sickness settled down?"
"I'm still feeling sick but I haven't been sick for the past two hours".
"And hows the pain?"
"Pretty bad just now" I replied.
"Right well I'll get the nurse to put some morphine in through your syringe driver",
"I haven't got one yet" I replied.
"Oh, whats that then?" she pointed to my PICC line.
"Its a PICC line" I told her and she blushed.
"So what exactly have we done for you since you arrived on the ward?" she asked.
"Erm, well you brought me some water" I told her.
"Oh, right, thats not very good is it. I will go get your syringe driver sorted out now along with the saline for your drip and some morphine. I'm sorry"
"Its okay I know you are busy" I replied.
It was after eleven before a nurse appeared with some saline. "Hi, I'm Elaine, I'm just going to put your fluids back up Loraine"
"Have you got my syringe driver as well?" I asked her.
"Haven't you got it yet?"
"No"
"Oh, right I will go chase that for you now and you need some morphine is that right?"
"Yes"
"Won't be long" she replied.  However, she was it was another forty minutes before she re-appeared. I was knackered and desperate for some sleep it was almost midnight.
"Loraine, I've got your syringe driver for you".
"Okay" I sat up whilst she inserted the needle under my skin.Its not painful but it is uncomfortable, "I'm just going to put some morphine in through your line, it should help you sleep".
"Thanks".

Thursday 27th October - Sunday 30th - Sick, sick everywhere!

I just want to apologise to everyone who are avid readers of my blog I've not written one recently as I've been feeling pretty crappy. This is pretty much how my week has gone.

Wednesday, was a fairly good day I hadn't really had a clue what to expect I'd rang the registry office first thing to book our appointment to register our bans, only to realise we had a problem. As well as us both providing proof of who we are, i.e. our passports we also need to show proof of address in the UK and we both need to have our divorce papers from any previous marriages. I explained to the woman on the phone that although Lee is a British citizen he's been out of the country for the past seven years and has no proof of the address as he's living with me and everything is currently in my name. I'm not sure what we can provide for Lee as far as proof of address goes.
"Sorry, its just all Lee has is a passport we're running into brick walls since he got home. We've got to apply for a new driving licence for him as well because he lost it whilst he was out in Cyprus".
"Ah, well if its a new driving licence I think we will be able to accept that from you, if you hang on a second for me I can check"
"Okay thanks" I listened as the elevator style music played in the background.
"Loraine?"
"Yes"
"I've checked for you and that's fine we can accept a driving licence for Lee as it will be a new one. We need to see your decree absolutes as you advised you've both been married before and divorced, is that right?"
"Yes that's right. So let me just check for Lee we need to bring his passport, driving licence and his decree absolute. And for me passport, recent utility bill  and decree absolute".
"That's right".
"Okay and is there any fee to pay?"
"Yes its thirty-three pounds fifty each so sixty-seven pounds to pay on the day".
"Okay well they said a week for Lee's licence so can we book it for two weeks time?"
"Yes that's fine and if it hasn't turned up you can always re-arrange it with us Loraine. So lets have a look, we have Friday the 4th at ten-twenty?"
"Yep that's fine thank you".
"Okay Loraine we will see you and Lee a week on Friday".
"Thanks".
"Lee?"
"Yes darl?"
"I've booked for our meeting at the registry office its Friday the 4th at ten twenty okay?"
"Great darl."
"Shall I ring Woodkirk Valley and book  to go for a look around it then you can see it?"
"Yes darl see if they have anything for Saturday"
"Okay I will give her a ring", so I picked up the phone again. "Jane? Its Loraine Mooney Lee's arrived from Cyprus and I was wondering if we could come and have a look around the venue".
"We're just finishing off the re-decorating Loraine so yes that's fine if you could come for about five o'clock?"
"Yes that's fine I'll see you then".
"Right that's booked then" I told Lee as he came into the room. "So registrar is booked for a week on Friday and we're going for a look around at five on Saturday".
"That's great darl. I've finished Logan's bedroom just need to get his blind" Lee told me. Since he arrived Lee has been decorating my house non stop. We've started with the kids rooms as originally Logan had the big room but he's moved out to live with his dad now so it was only fair really that as Jenna is here full time she gets the big room back. So we've swapped the rooms over and Lee's has been busy decorating both of them. Logan's room looks brilliant the walls are magnolia on three with a navy blue feature wall like he wanted. His bedding is red and black. Lee's getting him a black venetian blind and we've got a red table lamp and a red rug for his room. Its looking really good. Jenna's has been painted in magnolia on three walls and then again a feature wall in a pale duck egg blue as requested. The bedding she has is stripes in various shades of cream, and a duck egg blue stripe followed by a deeper blue stripe and a purple one. So we've accessorised her room with a purple lamp, purple shade and curtains. We've covered the grey sofa bed (which was Logan's) with a cream throw and cushions and we're going to get her a duck egg blue rug but at present its out of stock in all Argos stores so we're waiting for it to come back into stock then that's her room finished for her. As I said he's been busy, bless him.
Unfortunately my good mood and the way I was feeling didn't continue and by the time Thursday evening arrived I had been sick quite a few times and was feeling really ill. Sue, my friend (Missy moo) on facebook

By the time Linda's colleague Julie arrived on the Friday I was being constantly sick and I was feeling absolutely dreadful,.
"I am so sick of this" I whimpered to Lee as I lifted my head from out of the bowl whilst I sat on the settee in tears.
"I wish I could take it away from you darl. At least the nurses are coming to see you tomorrow I'm sure they'll sort you out.  I was still puking on Friday afternoon when Julie came to see me. It was typical Lee had held off going out for the groceries we needed to see her. He'd only been gone five minutes when she turned up.
"Oh love you look dreadful"
"Trust me I look better than I feel" I told her. "The sickness is horrendous. I haven't eaten since Tuesday not that my appetites been good cos it hasn't but now I'm not keeping anything down and I'm pretty sure as soon as I took the cyclizine etc this morning I just brought it straight back".
"Okay first things first I think what I need to do is get your anti sickness changed and that should hopefully sort it out. We'll give it a go over the weekend. I'll give your GP a call. Can someone pick up a prescription for you?"
"Yes Lee's just nipped out so he can go for it when he gets back", I told her.
"Right, so if this change in your medication doesn't work what I will do is speak to the district nurses Loraine and see if we can get a syringe driver sorted out. Did Linda explain what one was to you?"
"There's no need I had one after my surgery last year because I was really sick. I know from experience that it will work its a little uncomfortable but I'd rather be uncomfy and not being sick than battle on anymore."
"Okay well what I'll do is ring the nurses up Loraine and have them on stand by with a syringe driver just in case. Me or one of my colleagues will give you a call on Monday morning and see how things are if things have improved then they'll be no need and we can cancel the syringe driver if they haven't we will come out with one for you."
"Okay I'm back at st james's for my pre-assessment on Monday that's the only thing the appointments at one fifteen".
"Oh okay. Well how about we give you a ring on Monday morning as I said and then if you need one we can get it sorted out for you and get the district nurses to come out with it for you at teatime?"
"Yes okay that's fine".
"Right then well I hope you feel better soon Loraine, you take care and try get your head down, sleep is the best cure when you're feeling sick."
"I know its pretty much all I've done other than being sick".
"Aw bless you. Right I'll see myself out shall I?"
"Thanks Julie".
"Bye Loraine".
I lent back on the settee ... oh god here we go again... hand over mouth I ran to the bathroom... again!
"Have I missed her?" Lee asked upon his return.
"You had just left, when she turned up" I told him. "And, you've only missed her by a couple of minutes".
"How you feeling?"
"Horrific that's the third time since you've been gone. I think I might go up and try and sleep again".
"I think you should you look worse. Come on I'll take you up". That was pretty much all I saw of Friday because I went to bed and slept I spoke to Sue briefly and we agreed that she come over on Saturday afternoon with Nick. Prior to me going to see the wedding venue with Lee.

Throughout Friday night and all day Saturday if I I wasn't sleeping I was being sick. I could smell sick everywhere I went but it must have been in my nostrils because no one else in the house could smell it. I slept throughout the day and night of Saturday waking up only occasionally to be sick or go to the loo. The sickness gradually got worse throughout Saturday night and at two am Sunday morning I found myself cuddling the toilet again, Lee was either holding my hair back or rubbing my back throughout every sickness episode. I had pain down my left arm, pain in my kidneys and a horrible taste in my mouth that I couldn't get rid of. My forefinger and thumb on my left hand was completely numb and the pain shooting down my arm was shocking. I put it down to the referred pain  thing again upped my morphine and prayed it was going to get easier. I woke late on Sunday feeling a tad better than I'd been.
"I better get dressed for Sue and Nick coming" I said to Lee as I walked into the kitchen.
"I don't think Sue will be worried if you are  dressed or not. What about a cup of tea darl and a slice of toast?" Lee asked me.
"Okay I'll try" I replied. I got dressed anyway into a pair of leggings and a loose fitting t-shirt. I took my morphine tablet and the anti-sickness tablets and plonked on the sofa putting the telly on. Lee brought me in a cup of tea and i snuggled under the throw on the settee. Lee brought in a cup of a tea and a slice of toast and I had a sip of tea and about two bites of toast before I ran to the bathroom to be sick YET again.
"Will you be okay if I nip out and get some shopping before Sue and Nick arrive? We're out of milk and bread".
"No I'll be fine I'll probably dose off anyway. I think I'm gonna have to put off the visit to the wedding venue though Lee I'm not fit to get in the car I don't think I'd make it without being sick and I don't want to walk in covered in puke do I?"
"Yes I think you should cancel give them a ring and just say you're ill and can we re-arrange it? But don't book another visit tell her you'll ring when you're better. I won't be long" Lee lent over and gave me a kiss.  
Lee had been gone about ten minutes when the door went and I heard Missy Moos voice saying "Hello" I got up and walked towards the door my legs wobbled as I reached the living room door to see Nick and Sue stood there.
"Hello" I smiled weakly.
"Oh my god, look at you, you skinny cow" Sue smiled and gave me a hug.
"Hiya Nick".
"Hi Loraine, you alright?"
"Not right cracking feeling sick in all honesty".
"Go sit down you look terrible, where's Lee?"
"He's just had to nip out for some milk and bread" I replied.
"I've got your invites wait til you see them" Sue told me excitedly and handed me a box.
"Ooh I can't wait can you open the box for me?" Sue proceeded to cut through the tape and opened it up. I pulled the top invite out..."oh they're fantastic aren't they?" I handed one to Sue.
"They're really lovely Loraine, really classy. Here Nick have a look".
"Yes the are lovely" Nick agreed, at that point Lee pulled up in the car outside and Sue smiled and got off her seat and waved to Lee.
"Hiya"
"Hello you its nice to finally meet you" Sue gave Lee a hug and he returned it. "Lee this is Nick, Nick this is Lee" 
"Hi mate" Nick gave Lee's hand a shake.
"Right shall I make a cup of tea?"
"Yes please" I replied. "I kept the last one down so you never know I may be okay" Sue followed Lee to the kitchen saying she would give him a hand. "Nick you never saw my ring did you I held out my hand for him to have a look".
"Oh that's lovely".
"Thanks Nick".
"So how you feeling?" Sue asked me a concerned look on her face.
"Not good. I hate being sick and that's all I've done".
"You poor thing. Have you cancelled your fireworks party next week? I think you should you're not fit Loraine. We're having a fireworks party for Amelia and Grace and we're gonna get Jon and Tracey round and Simon and Kim with Theo and Lilly-Mae why don't you join us you could come over and stop the night. Then if you wanted to go into Haworth for the day you could?" I looked at Lee.
"Yep I think that's a good idea. You're not fit for a party just now but we could maybe have a Christmas one instead".
"Okay providing I've stopped being sick we'll come over" I smiled at Sue. "Oh Lee in that box there's the invites what do you think?"
"Oh yes I like them they're lovely who did these again?"
"Well Simon designed them and i chose it all. Best thing is it only cost us for the ink which was £70 including the envelopes".
"Really? That's good".
"It is considering for the same sort of design Debenhams were charging £224 for 150 so I've saved us some money".
"So I just need to get them written and posted out now".
"Oh, envelopes... that's what Kim asked me to tell you there's a choice of two in the box you've to choose which ones you want and let Kim now and she'll order them she should have them in time for the fireworks party which means you should be able to pick them up from her".
"Mm okay" I can't remember the rest of Sue's conversation cos I fell asleep during her visit and didn't wake up until both her and Nick had left much later.


"What do you think to Sue and Nick?" I asked Lee when I woke up much later that evening.
"I think they make a lovely couple" Lee smiled and gave me a cuddle. "It'll be nice going over to there's and going somewhere different. I'm looking forward to it".
"Me to it'll be good and it'll be nice to meet the girls I haven't met them yet".
"Really?"
"Yes really it will be good to meet them both together" I stood up and everything started to spin... "ooh I don't feel too good again. Think I'm gonna be sick".
"I'll get you a bowl" and sure enough the sickness started again, "I have so had enough of this" I whinged to Lee. "Someone up there is enjoying making me suffer and I don't find it at all amusing".
"You'll be okay it'll get better".
"I'm sorry this can't be much fun for you."
"Don't apologize we're going through it together remember, you'll be fine".
"I hope so, I'm not ready to go anywhere yet".
"You're not its not your time".
"Sorry I'm gonna be sick again" I said running past Lee to get to the loo. He came in and held my hair out of the way and rubbed my back as I was sick over and over again. Apart from anything else I was exhausted. "I have so had enough of this Lee I don't know how much more I can take. If this is chemo for you I'm not sure I want any more". I looked up at Lee tears streaming down my face.
"Hey you, you'll get through this, we will get through it together, come here" Lee held me whilst I cried into his shoulder. "Have you finished being sick?"
"I think so,"
"Come on then I'll help you up to bed" my legs wobbled underneath me as I walked slowly up the stairs and into the bedroom. I got into bed and Lee tucked me in. "Try and get some sleep darl then you might feel better. I'll bring up a bowl and a glass of water just in case you feel sick again".
"Okay, thanks and sorry this can't be much fun for you".
"Don't apologize its not your fault. We're at your pre-assment at the hospital tomorrow, I'm sure they will sort you out".
"I hope so, cos I feel like shit".

Tuesday 25th October - Chemo!!

Tuesday dawned and my day of chemo arrived, I can honestly say I was dreading what was coming. We arrived at half eight and sat patiently in the waiting area until we were called through at quarter to nine. My nurse assigned to me for the day was named Mindy "Should I tell her she has the same name as my cat do you think?" I asked Lee and we both grinned, (I have three cats Mork and Mindy who are brother and sister and were named by the cat protection league, not me, I hasten to add. And Felix an old boyfriends cat who's lived with me for seven years now.) Mindy asked me to follow her and showed me to the comfy recliner chair... the exact same comfy recliner chair I'd been shown to on my very first  visit to start my chemotherapy. I was hit by a touch of de ja vu and the memory of Sue standing in front of me complaining about her burnt finger sneaked into my head and I stifled a laugh. Lee sat on the chair opposite me next to the window, and Mindy pulled up a stool on wheels and sat to my left.
"Right Loraine what I'm going to do first is run through everything with you and explain exactly what's going to happen today what drugs we're going to give you etc. Did we give you a folder to read?"
"Yes you did and I have glanced through it, but in all honesty most of it went over the top of my head and I figured I would understand more about what's getting done if I saw what you were intending to do rather than just read about it".
"That's fine what we're going to give you is a mixture of two drugs Gemcitabine and Cisplatin which is why its going to be such a long day for you. Now, first question have you had some bloods done?"
"Yes I came from them last week prior to the PICC line being fitted" I told Mindy.
"Good, that means we can get straight on with things then. Now there are side effects that we need to make you aware of before we start treatment. But I need to know first if you are taking any other medicines at the moment other than the ones you've been given by us. So if you give me a list of what it is you are taking at the moment please".
"Yep no problem I brought them with me as instructed" I told Mindy. "Lee, can you pass me the brown bag please its got everything in".
"Yes darl here you go".
"Right first things first Mindy I'm asthmatic I have Serevent, Becotide and Salbutamol inhalers, although I'm due and asthma review to be fair I hardly use them anymore".
"OK" Mindy busily scribbled the information on the form.
"Right at the minute I'm on Zomorph which is 40mg and I have that twelve hourly, then I've got Oramorph liquid I'm roughly taking about 15ml of that during the day but that varies depending on the pain I'm getting. I'm also taking Cyclizine to stop the nausea caused by the morphine. Then there's paracetamol I'm taking 500mg of that, two four times a day. Then there's cetrizine my antihistamine I'm taking that on a ratio of twice a day to combat the itching, Because the morphine makes me itch if I don't."
"Okay is that it?"
"Yep that's it".
"Okay and have you got your list of emergency numbers?"
"I have yes I pulled it out of the folder and showed it to Mindy".
"Okay right I can't stress to you how important these numbers are going to be to you from now on Loraine. Obviously there are side effects of the treatment that we are going to be giving you. Now, if any of these symptoms begin you need to ring us. There is a risk of serious infection after your chemotherapy because obviously it reduces the number of white blood cells you have. Your white blood cells are used by the body to fight infection  and when your white count falls below a certain level  the bugs or bacteria that are normally kept at bay by your immune system can cause infections. You can be vulnerable to while you are having chemotherapy but it can happen between treatments and when you are recovering from treatment. So you will need to look out for warning signs of an infection, especially a temperature (fever). Have you bought a thermometer?"
"Yes one of those electronic ones that beep".
"That's good now some of the side effects you need to look out for Loraine are bruising or bleeding from the gums. If you notice bruising or bleeding you need to ring us straight away.  It can cause you to be Anaemic so you could start to feel more tired than usual or lightheaded. If this happens we could have to give you a blood transfusion. Now sickness is the biggest one Loraine when we begin your infusion today you will be given anti-sickness drugs intravenously as well and we'll give you more alongside your cyclizine to take. If you start being excessively sick we need you to give us or your Macmillan nurses a call.  Now with the GEMCIS drugs you might get thinning hair, have you asked about a wig?"
"Yes I asked at my pre-assessment I haven't heard anything yet though"
"Well if you haven't heard by this time next week when you come for the Gemcitabine then mention it and we'll chase it up for you".
"Okay".

"Non existent in all honesty but I'm drinking loads".
"Okay we will weigh you at pre-assessment you will come for a pre-assessment appointment the day before your treatment every week. If you start loosing too much weight then we can always get a dietitian to see you. You could get tingling or numbness in your fingers and toes. Now if it does happen don't worry about it can last throughout your course of treatment but it will come back with time. Now the big one is the effect of the treatment on your Kidneys . Before each treatment you will come for a blood test to check how well your kidneys are working. Now you've got a stoma bag is that right?"
"Yes it is" I nodded.
"Okay well I won't ask you to measure your output or anything but whilst you are here I just need you to keep an eye on it. Now obviously we know that you don't have full kidney function of 100% in each of your kidneys, so to protect them what we will do is give you lots of fluids today. The actual chemotherapy the GEMCIS that we give you only lasts for three and a half hours today.  The Cisplatin takes about three hours to go through and the Gemcitabine is approximately half an hour. The rest of your treatment today is made up of anti sickness and normal saline to flush your kidneys through and help protect them so the first thing through your drip today will be Saline, followed by your anti-sickness medication that's followed by the Gemcitabine so up until the chemotherapy starts you are free to move about around the hospital and take your drip with you, after that I wouldn't want you leaving the ward okay?"
"Yes okay"
"Right lastly with the effects any problems with regards to a dry cough or breathlessness let us know because there is a small chance of the GEMCIS effecting your lungs. Its very rare that it effects your liver but it is possible if it does you may become itchy or your skin might become yellow. Right now very rarely some of the drug can leak out of the vein whilst its being given to you via your drip. So if, whilst, you're on your drip the area where your HICC line enters your arm becomes  red or you see any signs of it blistering you need to give me a shout, okay?"
"Yep that's fine."
"Right so I've got the saline ready I just need to take the dressing off the HICC line and hook you up to the saline obviously feel free to move about the ward and the hospital up until we start you on the chemotherapy"
"So what time will that be about?"
"I imagine it will be about one before you are ready for the Cisplatin but I'll keep you informed and tell you what I'm doing every time I come to change anything over on your drip".
"Okay so what sort of time will it be do you think that we finish approximately just so I can let my daughter know?"
"Well lets see if we start the Cisplatin at one it will be four before that finishes then the Gemcitabine for half an hour that will take us to half past four followed by another half an hour of anti-sickness so that takes us to five and then another hour and a half of saline so it will be approximately half six before your drip stops then we will need to re-dress your arm so about ten to seven".
"Okay".
"You'll be given lunch today Loraine and Lee if you want tea or coffee you will be offered it but you won't get food provided Lee, sorry".
"That's fine I can go to the canteen or get myself a sandwich no problem", Lee told her.
"Right so that's you all hooked up Loraine. Is there any questions you have or anything you need before I leave you guys?"
"There is one thing because I had the PICC line fitted yesterday I'm supposed to put a heat pad on it, I've brought one with me".
"Yes that's fine, do you want to use ours though its like a flat electric blanket you can keep it plugged in it will probably be more comfy for you".
"Oh yes okay then".
"At some point one of the kitchen staff should be around to ask about what you want for lunch I know the menus have to be in by half nine so she shouldn't be long".
"Okay thanks".
"You okay?" Lee came over and gave my hand a squeeze.
"Yep I'm fine, let the boredom begin" I smiled.
"Why don't you try and get your head down you didn't sleep much last night did you?"
"No, but then I never do its okay I'm going to read that magazine for a bit".
"Do you mind if I go for a cig?"
"No off you go get some fresh air and something for your lunch".
"Hi, Loraine, I'm here about your lunch I didn't realise that was you sitting out in the waiting area otherwise I'd of asked you, but the menus have to be in by nine thirty so I've ordered you a plain jacket potato and a ham salad followed by a yogurt. Is that okay?"
"Well can you change it?"
"Erm, no".
"It'll have to be then won't it" Lee looked at me and I looked at him and the woman disappeared.
"That's not right Loraine, I'm gonna speak to Mindy".
"Make sure you do love" the lady in the chair next to me who had arrived a half hour ago piped up. "You are here all day you can't survive on a plain jacket potato and a ham salad. They should be giving you a hot meal. You are supposed to get a choice love of what you want she shouldn't be filling your menu in for you".  Mindy arrived back just at that point. "Mindy, she's doing it again.."
"Who's doing what?" Mindy asked.
"Her in the kitchen she's pre-filled in Loraine's menu for her, guess what she's having? A plain jacket potato and a ham salad". Mindy looked at the woman and then at me.
"I'm sorry Loraine, I'm going to have a word with sister. She's done it with everyone this morning and ordered all of you a jacket potato with cheese and a ham salad."
"I wouldn't mind so much if she'd ordered me cheese with it Mindy but who wants a plain jacket potato with no filling, certainly not me, not if I'm here until seven and I can't stand salad so that was definitely a bad choice for me. The only thing in her favour is the fact that I have no appetite at the minute anyway to be honest I've been living on smoothies, milk and soup the last couple of days".
"I will have a word with sister now and I'll make sure she doesn't do it on your next visit" Mindy apologised.  "Would you like me to sort out a cuppa soup for you?"
"Yes please if its not too much trouble that would be nice thanks".
"Beef and tomato, plain tomato or chicken?"
"Tomato thanks".
"Leave it with me I'll get that organised for you. Oh and I'll sort out that heat pad, back in a tick".
"Thanks Mindy".
"Right I'm off for that cig".
"Okay see you in a bit. Oh and can you give my mum a ring let her know how late we're going to be, but make sure you talk to my dad cos you know and I know she might forget".
"Okay its done".

I was sat in that seat until seven o'clock that night I dozed off a couple of times but every time I did you could guarantee the lady next to me would start chatting or one of the nurses would be over to see how I was. It was a very very long day and although that chair was comfortable I felt stiff from sitting in it all day and I would have done anything to crawl into my own bed. And as soon as we got in that's exactly what I did do. I gave Lee a kiss and a cuddle said night to Jenna and headed into bed.

Monday 24th October - PICC line... what fun?? Not!!

"I can honestly say I'm quite scared" I gave Lee a hug.
"You'll be fine darl, it won't take long to do" Lee smiled and hugged me back. I was shaking like a leaf as we got in the car and headed to St James's.
"Ah well at least I have my disabled badge we don't have to pay today". The one thing I have got out of this whole cancer thing so far is the right to have a disabled badge. Last year, when I got fitted with Urostomy bag I got turned down for Disability Living Allowance. Now fair enough I can walk okay although I have a slightly dodgy left leg, and I don't need mobility help. However, what I do need is access to a disabled loo when out and about... the reason... well if my bag leaks I need to use a sink to change my Stoma bag. Now if you've ever come across anyone with a Stoma and they've actually let you see it you will no that my body appearance has changed and next to my navel on the right hand side is my stoma. A stoma is constructed out of your small bowel and it forms a round shape and sticks out of your stomach. In effect it looks like a little boys willy attached to your abdomen (although much pinker). So.. its not very pretty and lets face it if my bag leaked and I was stood at the sink trying to change it with this little boys willy weeing everywhere whilst the change is in progress... I would get some very funny looks, hence the need to use a disabled loo with a sink inside if I'm changing it. However the government in their wisdom believe this isn't necessary and that it doesn't qualify me to be disabled so if you've ever walked into the ladies and seen someone stood at the sink changing their bag with their little boys willie winking at you.. its not our fault ... its the governments!! They make the rules!!
Anyway we turned up at the multi storey of St James's and it says to press the help button if you are a disabled driver and they lift the barrier for you. The next obstacle is trying to find a disabled spot... after half an hour of mindlessly driving around in circles we gave up parked in a standard spot and stuck the badge in the window!
We got to reception at the oncology day case unit just before nine am and I told the receptionist whilst I was there and we sat down. Alison came to see me just after nine "I'm running a little late Loraine, my helper is off today and I'm having to set up by myself and I'm so used to her being here that its taking a tad longer than usual. Can you bear with me?" 
"Yes that's fine no problem".
"I'll come get you as soon as we're ready".
"Okay no problem". I smiled at Lee nervously.
"You okay?"
"Shitting bricks" I replied.
"You'll be fine".
"God I hope so".
"Loraine? We're ready for you".
"Can I come?" Lee asked.
"Yes no problem although you can't stay for the procedure just for hygiene purposes I'll explain everything to you first". So Alison showed us into a room off the main oncology day case unit there waiting for me was a bed and a tray full of instruments at the side of it... it looked painful!


"Right so just to explain the PIC line procedure to you Loraine. What I'm going to do is insert a catheter a very small one through a hole I will make at the inside of your arm it gets threaded through your main vein and into you heart. All of this is done using an Ultrasound machine to guide me so I can see where the catheter is going. Once I think its in I'll dress your arm to hold it in place. Then we will send you down to radiology they'll do a chest x-ray on you and then you have to come back here. If its in properly then we'll dress your arm fully and you're free to go. If its not then unfortunately we have to take it out and start again, okay?" I nodded. "Now what I have to warn you of is obviously there's a chance we won't be able to get it in at all if your veins are too thin for instance for the catheter to thread through. However, if that happens we have a theater on standby and we might revert to putting a Hickman line in instead, a Hickman line is one that comes out of your chest just above your breast. So, are you happy to go ahead?" 
"Mm okay" I nodded. 
"Right so Lee at this point I have to ask you to go take a seat in the waiting area and we'll send Loraine to you when its done". Lee stood up and gave me a kiss.
"You'll be fine" he squeezed my hand and left.
"Nervous?"
"Very".
"You'll be fine. But this is a too man job and as my helper is away my boss is going to come in and give us a hand okay?"
"Okay".
"Right so I need to ask you to slip your shirt off and lie on the bed".
"Okay no problem". I lay down on the bed as Alison got suited and booted ( gowned up) in other words.  
Her colleague came in and she introduced her to me .. but I cannot for the life in me remember her name now...its a bit of a blur.

"Okay ready".
"Right its going in now".
"Arrrrr shiii- SUGAR!"
"You can swear its fine"
"Shit that hurts" now how can i describe it? It was like being branded with a bloody hot poker! 
"All you should feel now is a bit of pushing anything other than that tell me okay?"
"Okay" and to be honest I didn't feel a thing the colleague of Alison's (lets call her Anne although I know that wasn't her name) got me talking about my wedding and what I'd done for it so far and what I still had left to do. The only thing I felt was a little flutter in my heart as the catheter must have entered it nothing else. It was a strange feeling.
"Right that's it, I think its in, so I'll give you a card and you need to make your way down to x-ray" Alison told me. I got off the bed and went to get my bag.
"You can leave that there until you get back if you like. All you need to do is come back to reception and tell them you're here and I'll take you back through again".
"Okay" I headed out to the waiting room where Lee sat waiting.
"Done?" I nodded. "Its a funny feeling when it goes in, isn't it?"
"You felt it then?"
"Yes" he rubbed his chest... felt like a fluttery feeling?"
"Mm, right down to x-ray then I've to come straight back up here again".
"Okay, lets go then where's your bag?"
"Oh Alison said I could leave it there".


"Loraine Mooney?" the radiographer called me in. "Right Loraine just stand here arms at your sides and shuffle forward a bit. That's it and if you can lean forward and just hold onto each handle at either side of the screen. Okay now just hold your breath when I tell you too for as long as you can okay?"
"Okay" I nodded.
"And, breathe in,.... hold your breath..... and breathe away. Right Loraine that's you done by the time you get back upstairs the x-ray results will be there".
"Okay thanks" I headed back out to the waiting room where Lee sat waiting. "Done!"
"What now then?"
"Back upstairs see what the results are... I hope its in".
"It is!" Lee told me.
"You think?"
"Yep" he rubbed his chest. "Its in". We headed back upstairs and I'd just walked up to reception when I saw Alison and she beckoned me down in her direction grasping Lee's hand we followed her.
"Right that's fine Loraine its in, so all I need to do now is dress your arm properly and then you are free to go home. So you're back with us tomorrow for Chemotherapy, is that right?"
"Yes that's right" I nodded.
"Well I hope it goes well, tomorrow after they've used your PICC line they will dress it again for you before they send you home".
"Okay I'll see you again then".


It was when I got home later that day that my phone beeped message upon message from my friends who knew what I'd had done wishing me all the best. Then I had from an unknown number, this is how it read "Hi, I am really sorry that things haven't worked out health wise with you and I really do mean that with all of my heart. But can you please not refer to Dave as a Dick in your blog anymore. I sincerely wish all the luck in the world for you and Lee". I sat and looked at it for a couple of seconds and laughed out loud then tossed my phone to Lee for him to read the message....
For those of you that have read my blog in the past you will have heard me mention Dave my ex the lovely bloke who I had been with for eighteen months who chose to shag a mutual friend whilst I was in hospital having a operation, just before I was diagnosed with cancer. Then he brought the said mutual friend Beverley Grayson to visit me in hospital the day after they'd slept together. This was  a mere seven weeks after Ian, Beverley's husband had been killed on a motorbike. So maybe she was still grieving and to a certain extent could possibly have be forgiven. However, I had asked Beverley if her and Dave had slept together and she had denied it and had said she was outraged by my accusation and I ... silly me ... had sent her an apology via facebook because she convinced me I had got it wrong. Only to find out a week later that I had been right all along when Dave had admitted that he had slept with Beverley on the night of my operation.  All I want to say to Beverley is this: I, Loraine do not need your sympathy and I have never needed it. As for a heart I sincerely don't believe you have one! As for Dave the Dick I will continue to call Dave a Dick for as long as I live, because in my eyes he is one and always will be and as we have freedom of speech in this country I am entitled to my opinion. Dave prays on vulnerable women, bleeds them dry of any money they have and moves onto his next victim. Its a pattern he has followed for years what you have done for me Beverley is the biggest favour anyone could have done because you took him off my hands after he'd bled me dry but before he could do anymore damage! As for you wishing me luck Beverley its not me that needs luck its you because you have Dave in tow, and I feel so sorry for you because every woman deserves better than Dave.  My mobile number has now changed sorry if this disappoints you in any way!

Saturday 22nd October - Welcome to Ossett.

Thursday had been a whirlwind and whizzed past. I'd taken Lee to meet my parents and then into town to introduce him to my Sister. We were busy busy busy. Lee had slotted right in, everyone loved him and got on with him really well. On Friday night Lorna and Andy had come over and we'd had a few drinks me taking it steady I wasn't drinking much these days... made me feel sick. I think it was the mixing with Morphine that did it. My medications been increased again the morphine has gone up to 50mg, 12 hourly and as long as I stay on top of it I don't even get a headache. But on the few occasions when I've lapsed Christ it hurts. God knows where the cancer is now but it feels like its everywhere. Anyway its CT Scan day today at St James's. I haven't had a CT scan here before. I had my bone scan here but normally my CT scans are at Dewsbury or Pinderfields but today, today its at St James's. I'm dreading it though worried in case the can't find a vein to put the dye in.
"You'll be fine" Lee told me as we got in the car.
"I hope so. I hope they can find a vein" I told him that's the only bit that's worrying me still.
The roads were clear, unusual for a Saturday afternoon and we got to St Jame's within twenty five minutes arriving fifteen minutes before I thought we were due. My appointment time on my letter had said 1.10pm but I knew I had to arrive an hour before the appointment so it was ten to twelve when we walked into Radiology.
"You're an hour early" the reception looked up quizzing our faces. 
"Oh, I thought I'd have to be here an hour early" I told her. "I normally have my CT scans at Dewsbury or Wakefield and you always have to arrive an hour early to drink the yukky stuff".
"Really? Oh well take a seat I'll have a word we're not busy so we should be able to fit you in" the receptionist smiled. I looked at Lee apologetically "Sorry I got it wrong".
"Don't worry about it babe".
"Loraine Mooney?"
"Here" I called out and the lady walked towards me with a jug of clear liquid.
"We need you to drink this slowly over the next hour and save some until just before you begin your xray".
"I know the drill its fine" I told her. "But, that looks like water".
"It is"
"No aniseed flavoring?"
"Nope we don't do that anymore"
"Really, get in" I laughed. "Sorry I couldn't stand the taste".
"Not many could love".
"I have a Urostomy bag can I still empty it as normal?"
"I'll check and come back to you". She returned about twenty minutes later. 
"Yes Loraine you can still empty as normal" she told me.
"Okay thanks".
"I need you to take your bra off if its under wired but other than that you can keep your clothes on".
"Oh, okay". I went to the toilets and came back with my bra in my bag. Lee whistled and I laughed embarrassed. I continued to drink my water and Lee went to the shop for a paper and returned with a a paper and crisps.
"I got you some for after".
"Right, thanks".
"Loraine Mooney?"
"Come with me please" 
"Come on Lee"
"Am I okay to come?" 
"Yep we're just moving rooms so I can put something in your arm for the injection".
"Oh yes no problem". I smiled shitting myself. They needed a vein what was betting there would be none to find. The guy showed me into a room and Lee took a seat outside.
"I'm dreading this. I'm having to got for a PICC line putting in cos they couldn't get a vein for my chemo" I told him.
"Okay well we can give it a go and just see" the man replied. "Ready?" I nodded "sharp scratch. right well I think we're ready I'm just going to try and flush it and make sure its in". he told me.
"okay" I looked away and winced.
" Its in," he smiled.
"Really?" 
"Yep if you go take a seat we'll call you in a minute or two".
I went out to the waiting room beaming at Lee. "He got it in first time look" I showed him my arm proudly.
"nice one rest is easy then?"
"Yep".
"Loraine Mooney?"
"Okay here goes see you in about twenty minutes half an hour".
"I'll be waiting".
"Okay Loraine if you want to lie down I'll give you a cover you just need to slip your jeans down to your knees".
"okay" god this was different you were normally gowned up at Pinderfields or Dewsbury and boy I hated those gowns. 
"Okay Loraine if you put your arms above your head for me we're gonna take one x-ray, then we'll inject the dye into your arm and take another x-ray okay".
"Yep fine". The one thing I hate about the x-ray for the CT scan is what I call the polo mint its a hole you move into the problem being that its a little claustrophobic. You only have a small gap between your face and the x-ray machine.
"Right breathe in" I held my breath "and breathe away. Right we're going to inject the dye now Loraine it'll make you feel a little warm and you may feel like you're wetting yourself but don't worry you won't be".

"Breathe in Loraine" the speaker boomed and I held my breath "and.. breathe away". The door opened to the x-ray room. "Right I'm just going to disconnect you and take out the canula" (that's not spelt right but I haven't got a clue how you spell it ... its the needle that goes in your arm).  "Right, I'll just put you some cotton wool and tape on, you can take it off in an hour or so. Okay you're free to get dressed Loraine and go".
"That was sooo much quicker than Pinderfields and Dewsbury".
"In what way?"
"Well they both make you gown up and it takes forever. I'm glad I had this one done here I think I'll ask for them all to be here from now on".
"Well there is no need for you to gown up as long as you're not wearing metal" she told me.
"Well thanks will the results go back to the consultant".
"When's your next appointment?"
"I haven't got one to be honest but I start chemo on Tuesday and I know they wanted the results back prior to that".
"That's fine they'll be able to access them from Monday".
"Okay thanks".
"No problem".
I came out of the room and there was Lee waiting for me patiently. "That's it I'm done we can go"
"That was quick".
"I know it takes a lot longer at Pinderfields and Dewsbury".


I spoke to Phil and Alison later that evening and we arranged to meet at the Maypole in Ossett at 7.30. Lee was looking forward to seeing Phil again they'd gotten along quite well in Cyprus it was someone for him to talk too who was going through the same as me as Alison has cancer too.  We haven't been into Ossett drinking as such on a night so this was going to be an eye opener for Lee.
"Mm, I like it in here" Lee said looking round the Maypole.
"Its a nice pub, foods not right cracking though" I told him. "Everything's frozen food not homemade".
"Won't come here for a meal then" Lee smiled.  "What do you want to drink?"
"I'll have a bottle of Bulmers, what are you having?"
"Fosters I think" Lee looked at the pumps. 
Alison and Phil turned up ten minutes or so later and we had a great time talking for hours and Phil and Lee chatted away. We discussed our forthcoming weddings and how the preparations were going.
"The only thing I have sorted is my dress and the bridesmaid dresses, nothing else sorted at all" I laughed. "Well we've booked the venue but Lee hasn't seen it yet that's something I have to sort out yet".
Whilst we talked time moved on and around ten we moved to CJ Moodys the only place left for people to dance in Ossett really since all the other pubs shut down.  We stood up by the dj stand and Lee looked on at the dance floor his mouth on the floor. You see, Lee is a really good salsa dancer and he's a pretty good mover on the dance floor as a result.
"What you thinking?" I asked laughing at the astounded look on his face.
"That no one in Ossett or at least in here has got a clue how to dance... and well... I've never seen so many ugly people in one place".
"Welcome to Ossett!" I laughed and he smiled.
"Its good to be here, a couple more weekends coming round here and I'll get up and dance and show them how its done".
"Can't wait" I laughed and kissed him. We had an excellent night and got home after a few more drinks in the Thorntree it was a good night.

Wednesday 19th October - Happiest day of my life.

I picked my mum up at 9am to come with me to Pinderfields this morning. I've got the stoma clinic to see if we can sort my Stoma out.
"Loraine Mooney"
"That's me" I got up and went with the nurse into a room.
"Hi Loraine, have we met before?"
"No I don't think so"
"When did you have your operation?"
"August last year"
"Ah no we haven't then I was working at Dewsbury last year. So what's been the problem?"
"Well the skins sore around my stoma and its been bleeding quite heavily and it keeps retracting"
"Right, have you got a spare urostomy bag with you"
"Yes I have" I replied.
"Okay hop up on the bed and lets take a look then". I laid down whilst she peeled my bag off and then she had a look. "You seem quite young to have a bag" she commented.
"I was forty when I got bladder cancer last year" I told her. "I had my operation the week before my 40th birthday, lovely present" I said bitterly.
"Aw sorry to hear that". She bathed around my stoma and had a look it was while since anyone had looked at it... "Well it seems to be protruding quite nicely at the minute I see what you mean about the skin though what I can give you is one of these" she held up a round cushioned like disk. "This sits on the skin around your stoma and if there are any leaks this will soak up the urine so it doesn't sit on your skin and it acts as a barrier. Then your bag sits on top of it so you have like a double seal. Want to give it a go?"
"Yes its worth a try. I want to get it sorted before I start my Chemotherapy next week".
"Oh are you having more treatment?"
"Mm unfortunately I'm starting chemo because the cancers back its metastasised" I told her.
"Oh"
"Mm palliative care only they've given me two years"
"Oh Loraine I'm so sorry".
"Its okay I'm determined to get longer I've got too much stuff to do before I go anywhere. I'm getting married in January" 
"Congratulations" she smiled.
"Thanks"
"So when were you re-diagnosed?"
"August. Chemo was supposed to start last week but they couldn't find a vein. St James's is really good they just don't listen. I told them they wouldn't find a vein but they knew best. And because they didn't listen treatments been delayed again. I've got to go for a HICC line putting in on Monday I'm dreading it, but in the long run I know it will make things easier. I'm getting impatient now though I'm worried the cancers spread. I haven't had a CT scan since July" it was at that point I started crying.
"Oh love are you okay?"
"Yes sorry its just hard to put a brave face on sometimes"
"Oh I bet it is love you've got a lot to deal with" she passed me a tissue.
"Sorry" I mumbled into a tissue. "I'm just so scared that its spread. I'm dreading this CT scan on Saturday. It spread so quickly last year I just feel as if they're thinking ah well she's dying anyway no point in rushing"
"Is that really how you feel?"
"Yep and I know its probably not what they're thinking but they don't seem to be in any rush. I mean last year in the space of six weeks it had moved from my bladder, to my bowel, my cervix and my lymph nodes and its the same time of cancer just as aggressive but they just don't seem to be in any rush. There's just been delay after delay".
"Oh love I'm sorry if this is how you feel then you need to tell them".
"I know don't worry I'm going to when I see my consultant again I'm going to let her know how I feel".
"Well sometimes its good to have a good rant and get it off your chest."
"Do I look like I've been crying? I don't want my mum to know"
"No you look fine".
"Thanks for your help Pam".
"Your welcome I'll give you some of the round disks to try I'll ring fittleworths and let them know and if they are any good just ring up and order them, okay?"
"Okay thanks".


Lee's dad Barry rang me later that night to let me know the flight had taken off half an hour earlier than planned.
"That's great news he might land early then?"
"Yes duck just keep an eye on the flight at that end. I've got Steph here for you" there was a moments silence whilst Barry passed the phone to Lee's mum Steph.
"Hi duckie"
"Hi Steph"
"I tried to hold it together but I started crying" she told me. "I didn't know he was scared of flying".
"Neither did I" I replied. "He didn't mention it".
"Its probably just because its been a while I mean you think its been seven years".
"I know" Lee was giving up a lot for me.
"Look after him".
"I will Steph"
"Right we will talk to you soon ask him to ring me tomorrow. We'll see you in January but I'm sure we'll talk to you before then".
"Yes definitely and as soon as we sort out the hotels I'll let you know".
"Okay talk to you soon".
"Bye Loraine"
"Bye". I put the phone down worried about Lee on the flight. I hope he's going to be alright.


At eight Sue and I set off to the airport to collect Lee. I was taking her with me because I don't like driving in the dark. I was nervous and excited all at the same time the traffic on the roads was steady but at 9.20 I breathed a sigh of relief as we finally pulled into a parking space in Manchester airport.
When we got inside I checked the arrivals board it still said due at then next to it 22.25 another hour to go. 
"Fancy a coffee?" I asked Sue.
"Mm why not" we wandered into the coffee shop at the side of the arrivals doors. Sue had a Cappuccino and I ordered a Caramel Latte and we each had some shortbread and sat down at a nearby table. "How do you feel Lol?"(Lol is Sue's nickname for me most people call me Lolly or Loz).
"Hard to describe.... jittery" I said finally. "I still can't believe he's giving up his life after seven years and moving here for me".
"I knew it would happen, I told you didn't I?" and, to be fair she has the day I met Lee she predicted I was going to marry him and I told her to stop being daft. But, she was right I'd been smitten since day one. "I honestly do think if I hadn't have gone back to see him on my own in June....well, I don't think this would have happened", I told her.
"Really and what does Lee say?"
"Well I've never really asked him. But, I think I am right" I replied. "On that last night when Lee asked me to come back over to see him, I don't believe he thought I would ever go and I think by going and sticking to what I said I intrigued him and that's why he's coming to join me now".
"I knew you had met your soul mate that first night we met him in the bar. The way you were together there was a spark straight away from the minute you laid eyes on each other."
"I just hope none of it goes wrong and that I have a while with him Sue, I'm not ready to go anywhere yet".
"Good cos you're not. I wonder what Lee will think to the weather?" she asked changing the subject.
"Well his mum said his jacket is packed in his suitcase and he has a thin shirt on"
"Ooh he's gonna be cold"
"I know I'm cold and I'm never cold" I laughed. "Poor Lee doesn't know what he's let himself in for".
At 22.28 the board updated with landed and I couldn't stop smiling as I waited for the doors to open Sue disappeared off out for a cigarette and my eyes were glued to the doorway then my phone rang Lee, and I answered.
"Hiya"
"Hi Mrs Mcevoy I'm just waiting for my case".
"Was it a good flight?"
"Yep"
"Are you cold?"
"Very" I could hear the smile in his voice. "Won't be long" , it felt like ages and ages and ages but in effect it was only ten minutes later that he appeared suitcase in tow looking incredibly brown and very cold. "Hello sexy" Lee grabbed me in a tight bear hug and I hugged him right back then he kissed me and my knees went to jelly. 'This feels right!' I thought to myself. "Hiya Sue, you alright?" he kissed Sue on each cheek and gave her a squeeze.
"I'm fine love its nice to see you. Was it a good flight?"
"Not too bad" 
"Do you want to go for a smoke with Sue outside and I'll queue to pay for the parking?"
"Ooh yes" it was a queue a very long one and took me about ten minutes before I left with a validated ticket. I got outside to find Lee zipping up his case he'd pulled his jacket out and was putting it on I laughed.
"Cold?"
"Very!" 
"Told you you would be" I laughed. "If you can lift your case up these stairs we're just down there" i told him pointing to the rows. "Was it row D Sue?"
"Yes between Row D and E" she replied as we walked. When I saw the car I began to walk faster so I could open the boot for Lee. Then suddenly I was hurtling towards the floor and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. I Put my hands out to stop my face hitting the deck too just as Lee grabbed me and pulled me to my feet.
"God Loraine, you okay"
"Yes sorry I tripped"
"Was it your leg?"
"Nope I just didn't see that hump the full length of the car park" I said pointing out the speed bump in the road. "Shit, shit, shit that's the third time I've fallen for you" I grimaced.
"You okay?"
"Well my hands are stinging and my little finger on this hand is sticking out at a weird angle" I said showing Lee the left. "And my knees hurt and I'm a bit shaky...other than that I'm fine" I said trying to laugh. Lee grabbed me and gave me a hug.
"You're shaking"
"I know"
"Looks like I'm driving us home then" Lee told me and opened the boot to lift his case in.
"Sorry" I apologised my knee was stinging and I winced as I got into the passenger side of the car. We set off and followed the sat navs instructions to get us home cos I'm crap with directions lol. We were halfway along the M62 when we were faced with a sign Road closed for maintenance and cones across the motorway so we followed the diversion sign to take us off at the next junction... then.... nothing... no signs to follow no nowt.
"Bloody brilliant. What now?" the sat nav kept just saying turn back when possible so we followed her  instructions only to find ourselves back at Manchester airport. Stupid machine had taken us all the way back again!!! Lee looked knackered my knee had stopped stinging... "Pull over I'll drive" I told Lee.
"You sure?"  I nodded and he pulled over and we swapped seats. We came off the motorway there was no point me following the M62 anymore it was almost midnight and I was knackered as well as Lee. So we saw a sign for sheffield and I followed that knowing I could find my way back from there.... Finally we seemed to be heading the right way. 
"You need to take that turning" Sue piped up from the back seat.
"That's gonna take us back to Manchester Sue" I replied.
"I'm sure its that way" she continued. Lee had drifted off to sleep and I was getting to screaming point. Sue doesn't drive and thought she was helping but all she was doing was irritating me. Next minute she was leaning forward prodding Lee's shoulder and waking him up. 
"Don't you think she should be going that way?" She asked Lee.
"Sue I'm sure Loraine will get us home".
"I'm not" I mumbled. "But I do know we don't want to go that way cos its back to Manchester" .
Lee looked at the sign ahead "Yep you're right it definately says its that way to Manchester so go the opposite and we should be in the right direction". Sue sighed from the back seat and I ignored her. Sue is lovely she's brilliant and she's my best friend but sometimes she talks at the most inappropriate of times and I get irritated. "Sorry Sue we'll get home eventually don't you worry". It wasn't long before the signs for Wakefield appeared and just before one we pulled up on my driveway.
"Here we are home sweet home" I told Lee. 
"Right I'm gonna get off to bed" Sue told us both and said night. 
"Go open the door I'll carry my case in"  Lee gave me a kiss. "Can't wait to see inside".
We entered the house and I cracked open a bottle of champagne I had in the fridge "Here you go. I'm soo glad you're here" .
"Me too" Lee gave me a cuddle. "I love your house".
"Thanks".
"I'm gonna be happy here. We're gonna be happy here" he paused.
"What?"
"Tomorrow can we go to Wakefield so I can buy some fleeces? I'm bloody freezing" I laughed.
"Yes course we can".