I did try and sleep but I was up and down all night long not being able to settle. I ended up looking at my wedding guest list again and seeing what I could tweak to reduce the numbers. But no matter what I did it was still looking around the £1,500 marker for food if I had the catering done at Woodkirk Valley Country Club... expensive is not what I needed. I got about four hours sleep in the end and at ten I got up and jumped in the shower.
Around half ten the phone rang. It was Tom Sue's son. "Loraine, its Tom is my mum in do you know?"
"I'm not sure Tom why?"
"I've been trying to ring her at home but there's no answer. Our Chloe's just rang... my auntie Bev has died..."
"Oh god" I felt sick. Bev, Sue's sister lived in Australia she had been suffering with bowel cancer for a while and had been in the hospice for the past few weeks.
"Can you go see if she's in and ask her to ring me?"
"Do you really want to tell her over the phone?"
"Not really no".
"Do you want me to do it?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm sure"
"Okay thanks Loraine". I pulled on my shoes and headed over to Sue's. I knocked on the door and she came to the door in her dressing gown (very unusual for Sue as she's normally up and dressed at 6).
"Hiya you okay Sue?" I asked trying to be bright and breezy.
"Not really no"
"Your Tom's text me can we go sit down?"
"If its about Bev I already know" she told me.
"Oh has somebody rung you then?" I asked and followed her into the Living room.
"No, why do you think I have the candle burning? I had a feeling this morning, I knew she'd gone, I was just waiting for someone to ring and tell me".
"Well Tom's been trying to get through and its just ringing out". I told her.
"Well its working" she said picking up the receiver and listening for the dial tone.
"Have you knocked the ringer off?" I asked her. Sue lifted the phone to check it.
"Well its halfway so I suppose it could be possible" she told me and came and sat on the settee.
"You okay?"
"Yep" I am she nodded and her eyes filled with tears. "He's got my sister, he's not taking you" she told me and cried and I cried with her. Telling Sue about her sister Bev brought it home to me just how possible it was that in six months I might not be here. The chemotherapy could fail and if it did my time on this earth would be limited. Suppose I only lived six months that would only give me until March. I might only have two months married to Lee...
"No he's not I'm not ready yet" I replied. "I have a wedding to arrange and I'm gonna bloody enjoy whatever time I have left" I told her. Sue patted my hand and smiled.
"Yes you are we're going to make sure of it".
"Right well I better go I have a house today, I have to get something to eat then I have some phone calls to make. You gonna be okay?"
"Yep I will be" she replied, I gave her a hug and headed home. Or I could have a couple of years or more I told myself.... maybe two maybe three or maybe I could be another Jane Tomlinson and get ten... you never know...
I rang HR to speak with Lisa first. "Lisa its Loraine Mooney, I just wanted to ask something if that's okay?"
"Fire away"
"Okay I wanted to know if we get Death in service benefit and if so how much is it and who would it go too?"
"Okay in your case it would be twice times your annual salary so around £26 or £27,000".
"Wow, really?"
"Yes... that's why I requested your pension figures so we can compare them. But realistically I think the death in service benefit will be more but its whether you want to wait or if you want to take it now".
"Right, okay something to think about then."
"I think when we get the figures we'll maybe come to see you rather than go through it over the phone. If that;s okay with you?"
"Yes that would be great thanks".
"Okay well as soon as I get the figures I'll be in touch with you".
"Okay Lisa speak with you later on".
Next I went to check my bank account and was just going through it when I got a text message on my mobile "As agreed your membership fee has now been collected today and will show on your bank statement as "Power money"... that was weird I hadn't joined anything. As I looked through my bank statement there it was Power money deducted yesterday £69.75..WTF?? I rang the number on the message and didn't get any answer. So i rang the bank and got put through to switch disputes as it said this was a card transaction.
"But I don't know who they are?"
"They are a loan company who act as a broker... you must have looked for a loan online and they took a fee from your account"
"But I didn't agree to anything and I haven't looked for a loan. I can't afford this I'm terminally ill I haven't looked for a loan" I protested.
"This is ridiculous.. if I don't recognise a point of sale transaction you are supposed to issue a refund and then investigate it" I told her.
"You need to try and contact the company first" she told me.
"But I don't know who they are... and I don't have a phone number for them" I protested.
"I will give them to you and you need to ring them" she replied harshly. So I took the details wrote them down and promptly put the phone down and bawled my eyes out. I think it was just sheer frustration over everything that made me cry cos its not something I would normally do. Next I rang Jane advised her what was going on and asked her about the details of where I could go for a bank account. Local to me seemed to be Halifax or Lloyd's TSB. So it was around four when I headed for the Ossett town centre to open a new bank account. Sod Natwest I would move the account and arrange to pay them back the overdraft later.
"I want to open a basic bank account with a cash card that I can set up direct debits from, no overdraft or anything fancy it will strictly be for money in and out and direct debits."
"Where do you bank at the moment" the guy asked me well I say guy he looked about 18.
"Natwest"
"Well we can move all your direct debits over for you. Do you have £100 to open the account with?"
"No, why?"
"Well for all our accounts you need to open it with £100"
"What even your basic account?"
"Yes all of them."
"Don't you have any other accounts?"
"Not that you can pay direct debits from no" he replied.
"Okay that's fine I'll go open one at post office or Lloyd's" I replied.
"I don't think anyone else does an account where you can open it without any money" he told me.
"I think you will find you are wrong" I replied and marched out of the building and headed to Lloyd's.
Lloyd's couldn't see me but did make me an appointment for Thursday at 2pm. I headed down to mum and dads next. I told my dad what had happened.
"That's ridiculous they can't do that"
"Well they have so I'm opening and account with Lloyd's tomorrow!" I told him.
"So are you skint now"
"I'll be okay til Monday"
"Well here I'll give you £70 write to them and ask them for your money back and if you get it you give me it back and if you don't then I will stand it"
"Thanks dad,"
"Its okay. Now what are we going to do about Jenna because she doesn't know if she can afford the holiday"
"What, why?"
"Well she only has one payment of £84 to get from me (my dads sorting out Jenna's finances he takes her wage and gives her pocket money) and that means the week after she won't have anything".
"Oh, well I can't pay for her flight I thought you said you had two payments and that this weeks was for clothes next weeks to live on and then you had your wage for your flight."
"I got it wrong. But I'll just have to see what wage I get and give grandad his £200 I owe him and go with whatever I have left.
"But you know I cant stand the cost of the flight.. what happens if you don't get paid enough if you don't pay me then I have no money to take with me".
"What do you mean?" My dad looked at me.
"Well I was going to book the flights on Monday with my tax credit money... but I only have enough for both flights. Jenna was going to give me £200 on the 20th the day before we fly and that was my money for spending. If she can't give me that then I can't book the flight".
"Well I'll give you the £200...and take it out of our holiday money"
"No i don't want you to do that. But if you can let Jenna skip this months payment then she can give that £200 to me for the flight?"
"Okay do that then. But then she has to pay me back month after".
"Well if I have Disability Living Allowance I can help with that can't i. That okay with you Jenna. So you can use your £84 to get your clothes with and then week after when you get paid you pay me £200 and then use some for your spend and the rest to live on, okay?"
"Okay yep that will work".
"Sues been round to see me from next door, you just missed her" mum told me.
"Will she be in?"
"Yes she should be" mum replied.
"Okay if i nip and see her?"
"Yes I'm sure she will be pleased to see you". So I walked round to mums next door neighbours. I'd known Sue right from when we first moved down from Scotland I'd been three at the time and Sue and Richard had moved into the house opposite on Waller Street. (Its a car park at the side of the prison now.) When we had moved into the Prison Officers quarters at Ossett, Sue and Richard had followed and moved next door. Mum and Dad were godparents to their daughter Louise we went back years.
"Hello Loraine" Richard welcomed me in. "Do you want a glass of wine?"
"I would love one just a small one though cos I'm on morphine not supposed to drink" I told him. Sue laughed. "I bet you're finding that hard?" I laughed with her. "So I hear congratulations are in order" I nodded. "I'm so pleased for you"
"Thanks".
"But, how are you coping with your other news?"
"I'm okay.. surprisingly upbeat" I replied. "Has mum told you about my bucket list?"
"She has,,.. not sure I could do the jumping out of a plane though"
"Well you only live once and worst thing that can happen is parachute doesn't open and I hit the ground no more chemo" I laughed. and Sue laughed too.
"I bet that went down well when you told your mum and dad..."
"About as well as me telling my dad I could get 50% off cos I've made friends with an undertaker" I told her laughing and she laughed some more.
"Well that outlook will certainly help during your treatment"
"I hope so. I hope you are going to come to my wedding?"
"We wouldn't miss it, would we Richard?"
"Definitely not" he smiled. I didn't leave their house until 6.30. I headed back to mum and dads picked up Jenna and her stuff and we headed home. I went straight to bed.. I was shattered and I slept for a couple of hours and then woke. I went through the guest list again trying to tweak it here and there and I rang mum around 9pm.
"Do you think I can get catering for two hundred people for a buffet for less than One thousand five hundred?" I asked her.
"I'm sure you can" she replied. "I'll come up one night and we will go through it all again and see what can be done. Oh, your dads here" she commented and then carried on. "I'm sure that one in ossett that does catering will be cheaper than that amount" my dad muttered something and my mum explained we were just discussing the wedding and the catering price.
"Let me have a word with my daughter" he said and took the phone.
"Hello daughter, did you sleep?"
"A bit" I replied. "Too much going round in my head.. wedding plans" I told him.
"I just want to say how proud of you I am" he told me, (not normally behaviour for my dad I might add) "I couldn't be as brave as you or as courageous as you are being. There is no way I could have been through what you are going through now and not moan about it or grumble."
"Thanks.. I don't feel brave though" I told him. "I'm just being me.. and at the end of the day I don't have any option but to get on with it do I?"
"I remember the day you were born" he began and then I heard a sob. My dad, my strong father was crying. My mum came on the phone and she was crying too.. then I started.
"I'm gonna have to go, I can't cry.. I'm gonna have to go.. I'll talk to you both tomorrow..." I swallowed hard. "Love you both" I told them and put the phone down. I sat and cried a bit longer then and Jenna came downstairs and gave me a hug...
"I'm off to bed" I told her. "I love you"
"love you too" she told me and I left the room.
Around 11.30pm... I decided to stay awake til midnight then I could ring Lee.
"Hiya darl, hows your day been?"
"Up and down" I replied.
"Have you had much sleep?"
"Not really too much stuff going on in my head"
"Like what?"
"Like how we're going to afford the wedding..." I replied.
"Well how much are we talking?"
"Three hundred for the room, then three hundred for the registrar to come there and marry us then there's the food I'm just panicking how i can afford it all".
"Well you're not doing it all on your own I'm paying for some of it" he told me
"How can you, you have no money?" I asked him.
"I'll find it I have overtime to come and holiday pay..."
"Yes but you have the rings to pay for..."
"Talking of the rings I need your ring size.." he told me.
"Well you can get it when I come out then can't you we'll go to the jewellers and we can always choose them together..."
"Okay yes good idea.. I'm just going into the flat.. two minutes.
.. what the??" he gasped.
"You okay, whats wrong" I asked him.
"Well you know how Luke and his friend are staying I've come home and well wow..."
"You like it?" I heard a voice ask...
"Its fantastic, thanks man" I heard Lee reply. "Here Loraine, your boyfriends here" Lee chuckled and handed the phone to Luke.
"Hiya love you okay?"
"I'm great its been a good day today thanks" I replied. "So what have you been up too?"
"Well we tidied the flat.. lets face it .. it needed it" He laughed and he was right it did Lee never had the time to clean up he was always working.
"Did you find my necklace by any chance?" I asked him.
"No, are you sure its here?"
"It has to be" I told him.
"Well I didn't come across it and this place is gleaming.. I haven't done Lee's room yet though I put my head around the door and decided it would be an all day job".
"You're not doing my room" Lee told him.
"I am tomorrow" he replied. "I need to look for Loraine's necklace" he replied. "Right I have to go love you take care and I'll see you soon".
"Okay bye Luke..." he passed the phone back to Lee.
"Your necklace isn't here I've looked for it, " he told me and I sighed. "I'll have another look for it tomorrow and if I can't find it I'll buy you a new one. I spoke to mum and dad today so they are definitely going to come and meet you and Jenna whilst you're here".
"That will be nice I can't wait to see them. You don't think they think I've made you marry me out of guilt do you"
"You stop right there. I am marrying you because I worship the ground you walk on" Lee told me. "No other reason"
"You sure?" I asked him.
"Yes I'm positive" he told me.
"My dad cried tonight on the phone. I've never heard him cry before... what happens if I don't make it to January?" I asked him.
"You will.." He told me.
"What happens if I start the chemo and its not working and they decide to quit in November.. I might not get to see you"
"You will.. I'm coming out there as quick as I can..."
"Suppose its not long enough..."
"It will be. Its not your time yet you and me are gonna have a very long life together" he said softly. "And wherever you are when I come over I'll be with you 24/7 holding your hand"
"Really?"
"Really I love you"
"I love you too Mr Mcevoy"
"Okay Mrs Mcevoy I need some sleep so I'm gonna go. take care I love you"
"Love you too, night"
"Night xx"
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