I woke up at three am after dreaming that I was walking down the street and some wasps were attacking me. There were loads of people around me but none of them seemed to notice I was asking for help and swatting the wasps away...then my dream cut out and I could hear the sound of the news on TV. The newsreader was saying council staff were concerned at the amount of empty drinks cans being thrown or dropped on the floor in the Leeds road area of the city, it was causing a major problem with wasps in the area and that this was a plea to the public to be more vigilant and to bin any empty cans in the future.... the dream cuts out again.... I'm walking into a building with a glass front and I spot myself in the reflection I'm wearing just a pair of pants and heels. Horrified I turn around and march off down the street muttering to myself "Well done you made a right fool of yourself there Loraine".... then I woke up. If anyone out there reading this can give me an idea what any of this means please let me know it was very vivid and I am very puzzled. Right, I have a drink I'm gonna try to go back to sleep now, I've already been on google searching my dream meanings without much success .. please let me know x
I woke and got dressed and headed into work to discuss my pension first picking up my mum and then Lorna, we were going to go for a coffee afterwards. Everyone seemed pleased to see me and I had a chat with a few people and then headed down to the office to meet with Lisa Crawley from our HR department at Newcastle.
"Hiya Loraine, nice to finally put a face to the voice"
"Hi Lisa, nice to meet you"
"So take a seat" I sat down. "Would you like a drink?"
"I'd love some water"
"Anything to eat?"
"No I'm fine thanks".
"Okay I won't be long". I pulled the documents out of the bag that had been sent out through the post to me. I looked through them in a state of amazement when I'd seen the figures and I still wanted to query them because I wasn't entirely sure they could be right. I've been employed by the NHS Business Services Authority since August 2009. However, if you've read my first blog you will know I went on sick leave in August 2010 when I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I'd returned to work in February 2011 and after being re-diagnosed and told I was terminal in August 2011 I've not been back at work. So I've actually spent eight of those months on sick leave. I'm not on a great wage and I only earn £13,233 a year. I'd taken a pay cut when I'd moved to the NHS after being made redundant in June 2009 from HSBC.
"So how are you feeling in yourself?" Lisa asked returning to the room with my water.
"Tired in all honesty Lisa, really tired on a constant basis, how on earth I thought I could cope with working full time and dealing with this cancer I will never know. I'm shattered.
"So is it the illness making you tired?"
"That and the medication I think".
"What medication are you on at the minute?"
"Well I'm on 40mg of Zomorph 12 hourly and Oramorph for break through pain. Zomorph is a tablet form of Morphine and Oramorph is the liquid version which I can use as and when".
"Is the pain bad then?"
"Well when I don't take the medication its bad".
"I'm sorry to hear that. When is it you start treatment?"
"Well Chemotherapy was suppose to start on October 12th. But I have very bad veins since my operation last year which is what I've been telling the doctors since I found out I was to have my chemotherapy intravenously and they didn't listen. So I went for the chemo and they couldn't do it because they couldn't find a vein. So I have to have a hicc line fitted now. Its basically a catheter threaded into my vein and stays in permanently until I finish my treatment. They will give me my chemotherapy through it and take bloods from it".
"And, how do you feel about that?"
"Well i was fine until they sent me the literature through the post to read about the procedure... now I'm scared silly it sounds horrific. But, its for the best and in the long run it should make things easier. So I'm just going to have to grin and bear it".
"Well I hope it all goes okay for you".
"Thanks".
"Right so did you have chance to look at the figures I sent out to you?" I nodded. "And were you shocked?"
"Yep. I can't quite believe how good they are... I'm quite shocked at the amount you are offering me and I wondered if I'd mis-read it in all honesty" I admitted.
"The figures are good but that's because we have to envisage that you would have been working for us up to retirement age". Lisa told me. "Right so just to explain it to you the Tier one figures are if you are incapable of doing your job with the NHS, but capable of doing a different job. So from what we have established I don't think this applies to you. Tier two is the figures you are most likely to be looking at because these are figures that apply if you are incapable of ever working again. So I think these are the most likely figures for you. However, there is another option and that is this section where we say you could be entitled to a lump sum of £33,000 now this is if your consultant gives you a lifespan of around 12 months based on your illness. What I would say is that some consultants won't give a timescale so based on that I think you are probably looking at tier 2 figures".
"Right okay. So, if my consultant gave a lifespan of around 12 months and I lived longer, what would happen then?" I asked.
"Well that's where the survivors pension would kick in and you would get that for the remainder of your life". Lisa told me.
"Okay so worst case scenario I'm looking at the lump sum of £18,921 plus the annual pension of £2,221?"
"That's right yes"
"Well that's pretty good. But would there be any provision for my children after my death?"
"Yes there would be the thirty seven percent of this annual amount would be divided equally between your children until the eldest, Jenna, reaches twenty three. Once Jenna reaches twenty three she would stop getting the eighteen and a half percent and wouldn't get anything and the youngest of your children, Logan, would get the thirty seven percent until he reached twenty three".
"So that works out at about four hundred pounds per year is that about right?"
"Yes that would be about right".
"Mm so could I put any more to once side or take less so the kids get more".
"No it doesn't work like that but obviously you can always do a trust for them" Lisa told me. "I'm sorry Loraine".
"No its okay, I'll have enough to set up a little trust for each of them I've got the pension from HSBC to come as well so I'll be fine".
"Okay so now you've filled in the application we will fill out our bit and then we'll send it to your consultant for them to fill their part in, once its done the application will go to the trust for consideration and they will make the decision. But, as I said in light of your circumstances it will be at the least tier 2 that you get granted. However, I do have to warn you these things take a while to sort out. However, due to your circumstances I will try and push it through as quickly as possible".
"Okay thanks Lisa. It was nice to meet you".
"Nice to meet you too Loraine and if you need me for anything you have my number".
"Okay thanks".
"I hope chemo goes okay".
"Yes me too". I left the office feeling a bit brighter at least financially I'd be okay for a while and have some money behind me. I went over to Colleen next.
"How did it go?"
"Okay pretty impressed" I said smiling.
"That good?"
"Mm" I grinned. "Considering how long I've been working here I'm very happy. Anyway I know we were going to go for a coffee but my mum and Lorna are waiting for me. We're going to look at the bridesmaids dresses I've seen in Debenhams".
"Well, you need to put your foot down"
"I know today, I intend too" I replied.
"Lorna it looks great, really suits you" I told her as she came out of the changing room in the full length bridesmaid dress I'd picked out for her. Now the ticket said Light Gold but I would say it was more a Light copper colour it certainly wasn't a yellow gold anyway. It looked very classy".
"I don't like it" she moaned.
"Well I do, mum what do you think?"
"It really, really suits you" my mum told her.
"I'll need a spray tan" she told us both.
"Well get a spray tan then. See, fixed easily" I told her and turned to the girl in the changing room. "Can we reserve two of these til next week?"
"Well we're not officially supposed to reserve them because they are on sale at the moment" she told me. "But, yes okay then for a week we will".
"That's great thanks".
"They will be up on wedding services for you to collect but you need to come get them before Tuesday otherwise they will go back on the floor".
"Okay we will". It was as we walked out the store that I realised that could be a problem I was at St James's having chemo all day with Lee.
"Well we'll sort it out don't worry sis".
"Okay thanks".
"Not long now Mrs Mcevoy" Lee said when he rang me.
"I know I can't wait. So what have you got planned for your last night then?"
"Well mum and dad have booked into a hotel in Protaras they're taking me to Georgia's for a meal".
"You lucky bugger" Georgia's was lovely Lee's friend had taken us there when I was on holiday with Logan in August the food had been out of this world. "And then we're going to Rives to say bye to everyone. Then tomorrow mum and dad are picking me up about ten o'clock we're going for fish and chips and then I have to be at the airport for four o'clock".
"You okay?"
"Yep can't wait now I just want to get home to be with you, love you Mrs Mac"
"Love you Mr Mac have a good night".
"Night".
.
Friday, 21 October 2011
Monday, 17 October 2011
Monday 17th October - Mmmm
Today is a bad day... I'm sore... I mean everywhere hurts...my stomach, my groin, my back when will this stop? More morphine and more sleep needed I'll write more later sorry.
One o'clock and I still feel like crap I think the decorating I've done over the last two days was maybe a little much ... either that or things have got worse inside me this week cos the pain in my stomach is pretty intense.
I'm sitting in my bed researching the DVLA website as Lee has lost his driving licence whilst in Cyprus so needs to apply for a new one. Seems relatively straight forward its £17 but I need to know his previous uk address so i'll get him to do that one. "I've just looked at the replacement driving licence for you its £17" I text him.
"What do I need darl?" He texts back.
"You can order it online they need payment and your last uk address" I text him back.
Right better look at parcelforce see how that passports getting along so I log on to parceforce website and put in the parcel number that I have on the receipt. Oops it states awaiting customs clearance that worries me slightly and I text Lee. "You need to ring me re your passport asap" then I text Lee's mum Steph..."Any news on passport?". Steph texts me straight back "phonecall two minutes ago saying it will be about ten minutes"at the same time Lee rings my house phone.
"Whats up?"
"Its okay panic over love. I checked online about your passport and it said awaiting customs clearance so it freaked me out slightly but your mum has just text to let me know she had a phonecall saying it will be there in ten minutes so everythings fine".
"So hows you today"
"Bit sore" I tell him.
"Have you been taking your morphine?"
"Yes I'm just gonna take some more cos that last lot hasn't had any effect at all. Well just you take it easy today"
"I'm going too don't worry"
"Hows kids?"
"I haven't heard from Logan since I took him home on Sunday. Jenna was upset last night"
"Why?"
"Mike, he put something on face book.." Mike is Jenna's now ex boyfriend he hasn't taken her breaking up with him very well.
"What?"
"You don't want to know"
"Tell me"
"You're not going to like it"
"Tell me"
"He wrote to her Good luck with coping with your mum and when the time comes her funeral. Chow".
"I'll bloody kill him"
"Its okay"
"No its not bloody okay I'll rip his head off and shit down his neck" Lee was furious. "I'm gonna text him"
"Its okay Lee"
"Hasn't he upset you?"
"Of course he has but there's nothing that can be done about it".
"Yes there is I'll sort it".
"Where are you?" I asked changing the subject.
"I'm sat in Waves with Luke"
"Oh you told him you're leaving then?"
"Yes I have so he's going to sort things out this end for me darl hang on he wants you".
"Hiya Loz you okay?"
"Yeah a bit sore but I'm okay"
"Good so I bet you're looking forward to picking him up then?"
"Yes I can't wait I'm sooo excited. Not looking forward to driving in the dark though I don't do night time driving".
"Oh whys that?"
"I just don't like it things look different in the dark I get freaked out a bit". I laughed.
"Yeah but its only driving there Lee will drive you back"
"Yep true is he there so i can chat to him again".
"Hiya darl"
"Hi so what you got planned for the rest of the day then?"
"Just wasting time til 2 oclock really" he replied.
"Why are you getting picked up at two?" I'm a bit puzzled cos I thought he wasn't meeting his mum and dad til Wednesday.
"No, I'm getting your surprise done. You know that tattoo we both saw on the guys back that we liked the praying hands one that said save a place for me?"
"Yes"
"Well I'm booked in for it doing at two, not the exact same my own adaptation of it. But I'm sure you'll like it"
"On your back?"
"No I'm getting it put on my shoulder blade"
"Ouch" I reply.
"I know hence I'm havng a drink he's knocking me some money off because of all the business I've sent his way".
"Oh thats nice. Hang on your mums ringing my mobile"
"Hiya Steph"
"Passports here duckie,"
"Oh great I'm just on phone to lee thanks for letting me know Steph I can sleep easier now".
"Talk to you later then bye".
"Bye Steph"
"Hi Lee that was your mum passports there".
"Great stuff not long now" he laughs "I'm gonna go finish my drink and then go for my tattoo doing".
"Okay talk to you later love you mr mcevoy"
"Love you Mrs Mcevoy".
About two hours later I received a text message from Mike " Loraine I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it to sound nasty at all.... I don't know how Jenna will cope cause its hard I've been through it before... thats what I meant if that makes sense... I'm really sorry for that as soon as I said it I regretted it .. I wouldn't say anything like that about you or to jenna cause i care about you two and i still do ... i'll understand if you don't want to talk to me or completely hate me i'll understand once again I'm sorry".
Straight after I get a text off of Lee "Have you got a text yet?"
"Would that be a text off mike by any chance I ask forwarding him the message mike sent me"
"Yes, is that okay off Mike?"
"Yes thats fine I love you, I love you I love you" I text him back.
"Me too I love you more than you will ever know Mrs Mcevoy". I have a feeling I am going to be very very happy.
So anyway latest is Mr John Copeman, Missy moo's dad wants to check Lee out and make sure he's good enough so I text him to let him know and I know think he's slightly scared. I hope not cos I love him and I know no matter what anyone says I have finally met my soul mate. Love you Mr Mcevoy can't believe I am so lucky to have you in my life.
One o'clock and I still feel like crap I think the decorating I've done over the last two days was maybe a little much ... either that or things have got worse inside me this week cos the pain in my stomach is pretty intense.
I'm sitting in my bed researching the DVLA website as Lee has lost his driving licence whilst in Cyprus so needs to apply for a new one. Seems relatively straight forward its £17 but I need to know his previous uk address so i'll get him to do that one. "I've just looked at the replacement driving licence for you its £17" I text him.
"What do I need darl?" He texts back.
"You can order it online they need payment and your last uk address" I text him back.
Right better look at parcelforce see how that passports getting along so I log on to parceforce website and put in the parcel number that I have on the receipt. Oops it states awaiting customs clearance that worries me slightly and I text Lee. "You need to ring me re your passport asap" then I text Lee's mum Steph..."Any news on passport?". Steph texts me straight back "phonecall two minutes ago saying it will be about ten minutes"at the same time Lee rings my house phone.
"Whats up?"
"Its okay panic over love. I checked online about your passport and it said awaiting customs clearance so it freaked me out slightly but your mum has just text to let me know she had a phonecall saying it will be there in ten minutes so everythings fine".
"So hows you today"
"Bit sore" I tell him.
"Have you been taking your morphine?"
"Yes I'm just gonna take some more cos that last lot hasn't had any effect at all. Well just you take it easy today"
"I'm going too don't worry"
"Hows kids?"
"I haven't heard from Logan since I took him home on Sunday. Jenna was upset last night"
"Why?"
"Mike, he put something on face book.." Mike is Jenna's now ex boyfriend he hasn't taken her breaking up with him very well.
"What?"
"You don't want to know"
"Tell me"
"You're not going to like it"
"Tell me"
"He wrote to her Good luck with coping with your mum and when the time comes her funeral. Chow".
"I'll bloody kill him"
"Its okay"
"No its not bloody okay I'll rip his head off and shit down his neck" Lee was furious. "I'm gonna text him"
"Its okay Lee"
"Hasn't he upset you?"
"Of course he has but there's nothing that can be done about it".
"Yes there is I'll sort it".
"Where are you?" I asked changing the subject.
"I'm sat in Waves with Luke"
"Oh you told him you're leaving then?"
"Yes I have so he's going to sort things out this end for me darl hang on he wants you".
"Hiya Loz you okay?"
"Yeah a bit sore but I'm okay"
"Good so I bet you're looking forward to picking him up then?"
"Yes I can't wait I'm sooo excited. Not looking forward to driving in the dark though I don't do night time driving".
"Oh whys that?"
"I just don't like it things look different in the dark I get freaked out a bit". I laughed.
"Yeah but its only driving there Lee will drive you back"
"Yep true is he there so i can chat to him again".
"Hiya darl"
"Hi so what you got planned for the rest of the day then?"
"Just wasting time til 2 oclock really" he replied.
"Why are you getting picked up at two?" I'm a bit puzzled cos I thought he wasn't meeting his mum and dad til Wednesday.
"No, I'm getting your surprise done. You know that tattoo we both saw on the guys back that we liked the praying hands one that said save a place for me?"
"Yes"
"Well I'm booked in for it doing at two, not the exact same my own adaptation of it. But I'm sure you'll like it"
"On your back?"
"No I'm getting it put on my shoulder blade"
"Ouch" I reply.
"I know hence I'm havng a drink he's knocking me some money off because of all the business I've sent his way".
"Oh thats nice. Hang on your mums ringing my mobile"
"Hiya Steph"
"Passports here duckie,"
"Oh great I'm just on phone to lee thanks for letting me know Steph I can sleep easier now".
"Talk to you later then bye".
"Bye Steph"
"Hi Lee that was your mum passports there".
"Great stuff not long now" he laughs "I'm gonna go finish my drink and then go for my tattoo doing".
"Okay talk to you later love you mr mcevoy"
"Love you Mrs Mcevoy".
About two hours later I received a text message from Mike " Loraine I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it to sound nasty at all.... I don't know how Jenna will cope cause its hard I've been through it before... thats what I meant if that makes sense... I'm really sorry for that as soon as I said it I regretted it .. I wouldn't say anything like that about you or to jenna cause i care about you two and i still do ... i'll understand if you don't want to talk to me or completely hate me i'll understand once again I'm sorry".
Straight after I get a text off of Lee "Have you got a text yet?"
"Would that be a text off mike by any chance I ask forwarding him the message mike sent me"
"Yes, is that okay off Mike?"
"Yes thats fine I love you, I love you I love you" I text him back.
"Me too I love you more than you will ever know Mrs Mcevoy". I have a feeling I am going to be very very happy.
So anyway latest is Mr John Copeman, Missy moo's dad wants to check Lee out and make sure he's good enough so I text him to let him know and I know think he's slightly scared. I hope not cos I love him and I know no matter what anyone says I have finally met my soul mate. Love you Mr Mcevoy can't believe I am so lucky to have you in my life.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Sunday 16th October - Letting your kids go....
"Morning Mrs Mcevoy"
"Morning" I mumbled.
"Were you asleep?"
"No I'm awake just a little sore".
"Have you had your morphine?"
"Yes I've just taken it"
"So what you up too today?"
"Well there's a bridal fayre on in Wakefield if I can get myself to move I was considering going there with mum and Jenna. Its a toss up between going back to bed or going to the bridal fayre".
"Well see how you feel. I'm sat with mum and dad at Waves having a drink so they've got my plane ticket but I've been told I can't have it cos I'll loose it. So they're hanging onto it until they take me to the airport".
"Oh right" I laughed in some ways Lee was as bad as me for loosing things. Someone wants to talk to you.
"Hi duckie" It was Steph Lee's mum.
"Hi Steph"
"We've been looking at hotels but I need to know which is nearest to you" she told me.
"Okay well I'm ringing the local ones on Monday see if we can get a discount for booking in bulk" I told her.
"Oh okay. Well me and Barry are coming Wednesday to Wednesday so let me know where we can stay that's near to you, okay?"
"Yes okay I'll give you a ring Monday night and let you know how I get on" I told her. Next Barry came on the phone.
"Hiya Sweets, so do you think his passport will arrive Monday?"
"Yeah I do Barry you can track it online and it tells you in detail where it is but it landed in Cyprus at 13.30 on Saturday and it says it arrived at depot for dispatch at 14.42 on Saturday so I think they'll deliver it to you on Monday"
"Oh well that's good sweets we're in all day Monday cos I presume we'll have to sign for it".
"Yes I think sot
"Well at least this way Lee will be there for your op on Monday and your chemo starting. I think he'll feel better that he's there for you".
"Yes I do too. And I'm glad he's there for the line putting in. They sent me through some documentation on it and its scared me stupid I wish they'd not bothered Barry it sounds horrific".
"I'm sure you'll be fine".
"I will be if Lee's with me" I told him. "I'm so excited, I can't believe he's coming home".
"Well me and Steph have both told him he's got to look after you so if he steps out of line you ring and tell us and we'll sort him out for you". I laughed and Barry laughed too. "See you at the wedding".
"Bye Barry".
"Hiya darl" Lee came back on the phone.
"Hi yourself. Have you told them all you're leaving?" I asked him.
"Only Leighton, Mario's from the bar. Oh and the fitness instructors you met, they know too now".
"Oh okay"
"So how do you feel if Luke isn't happy and doesn't come?"
"Its fine they've messed you about and anyone that does that to you isn't welcome in my book anyway". I told him. "I love you".
"I love you too" he whispered down the phone.
"Logan's coming at lunchtime Sue had a long talk with him on face book last night and he wants to live with his dad he's too scared to tell me though. He's worried I'll either kick off or be really upset. So he's asked Sue to come with him today whilst he tells me".
"Oh well at least he's being honest with you now. And I'm sure he'll come visit".
"That's what I'm worried about that he'll forget I exist".
"He loves you too much darl, he won't do that."
"I hope you're right".
"He's bound to be upset Loraine he's not coping with your illness we both know that and that's probably why he wants to stay at his dads. I wouldn't worry".
"Well I better go you get back to your mum and dad and I'm off to this wedding fayre cos I have to be back here for 2.30 for Sue coming and then Logan will be here at three".
"Okay have a nice day. I'm going to ring Sue later so let me know when she's at yours".
"What you ringing her for?"
"Its a surprise for you I just want to ask her about" Lee replied.
"Well I have a wedding surprise for you" I told him.
"What surprise?"
"Why you ringing sue?"
"I'm not telling you"
"Well I'm not telling you about the surprise I have for you on our wedding day then".
"You're a bugger"
"I know so are you. Right I have to go get ready love your Mr Mcevoy".
"Love you Mrs Mcevoy see you Wednesday".
"Can't wait".
The wedding fayre was okay but it had ideas for things I had already sorted out... Bridal gowns... done. Flowers.... done.. Cakes... done... Photographers... done. So there was nothing really that would have been any help it was a shame. We had a coffee at Marks and Spencer's ... well me and mum did. Jenna had a deluxe hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream. I must admit when I saw it I'd wished I'd ordered the same thing. From Marks and Spencer's we headed over to the Trinity walk shopping centre to have a look at bridesmaid dresses in Debenhams (well when I say we Jenna went to superdrug whilst me and mum headed to debenhams, saying she would meet us there! There were some really nice gold ones, as I love the theme gold and cream its very classy and its christmassy and as we're just out of the Christmas season I think its a good theme. Also I've seen a very elegant car in the same colours ha ha. At least now Lee will be here to help plan the wedding with me. Cos I was getting worried about doing it all on my own.
"What do you think to this dress?" I asked my mum showing her the wedding dress I had picked out originally.
"Its not a patch on the one you've got" she told me. "Yours is fantastic".
"Aw thanks mum"
"I mean it you look stunning and Lee's jaw will drop when he sees it for the first time."
"Thanks. Okay well let me show you the gold bridesmaid dresses".
"Oh yes they're nice... its a different shade of gold to what I expected its nice.. more like a light bronze"
"Yes it is but its nice don't you think?"
"Ooh I like the long ones Loraine they're really nice"
"You think?"
"Yes I really like those ones" Mum told me. Then Jenna appeared and I showed her the dresses and the fur shrugs we could get to go with them. They had ivory or a light beige colour.
"Ooh yes I like those" Jenna smiled. "That fur jacket is gorgeous"
"So you would wear the long one then?"
"Yes I would".
"Bingo" I told my mum. "All we need to do now is persuade Lorna she can always wear the short one".
Just then I noticed the time.. "Crap we better go Sue's arriving at mine at 2.30 and Logan at 3 its 2.30 now. I'm just gonna text Sue". So I text her to ask where she was.
"I'm in the co op" the message came back.
"Shit she's in Ossett" I moaned "We seriously need to go" and so we headed to the ridings at as quick a speed as mums stick would allow us too.
"Sorry Sue, sorry Logan" I apologised as Jenna and I got out of the car. Sue was leaning against her car and Logan was sat on the table outside the front of the house playing his guitar.
"Its okay" Sue told me.
"I've only been sitting here forty five minutes" Logan told us.
"Really? Oh god I'm sorry" Logan smirked and Sue laughed.
"We've been here all of five minutes I picked him up on the way".
"Sorry we were as quick as my mums stick would allowed her to be. I think I've worn her out. And I have a leak so I'm going to have to get changed before I do anything else".
"Well I've been shopping so I'm going to make us a roast dinner" Sue told me as I opened the door.
"You don't have to do that"
"I know I don't but I want one" She told me taking the shopping bags into my kitchen. "You go do what you have to do and leave me to it".
"Okay I'll go and change first then" I told her and headed to get my bag for my spare supplies. "Logan I'm just going to get changed then I'll be with you okay?"
"Yes okay".
For those of you who don't have urostomy bags this is how I would describe it. Basically when they take out your bladder they have to give you a way to pee. So the tubes that previously went from your kidneys into your bladder are redirected. There are a few ways to do this some people have a bladder built inside and empty it with means of a catheter they have to insert into their stomach. A new way is to direct the tubes into your bowel so you poo and wee out of the same exit. Then there's the way mine works. They make a hole in the right hand side of your stomach and poking out of it is a bit of my small bowel (stoma nurses describe it as a little tomato cos its red and round in shape). However, I've checked and rechecked and I'm sorry but its not like a tomato its like a little boys willy, cos its only small about 20mm in diameter and it moves up and down and sticks out from your stomach. The tubes that previously went into my bladder now connect inside to this part of my bowel or as I would say into my little willy. Then a stream of urine comes out of it and when a bag is connected straight into the bag. A urostomy bag has a whole in the middle of some sticky backed bags and the little willy goes into the hole and a seal forms around it to hold it in place. Changing it is easy first thing in the morning as if you haven't had a drink overnight there's nothing to come out, so it remains dry. However, halfway through the day the stream of urine is constant so trying to change it standing up without getting wee everywhere is fairly tricky. I however have this down to a fine art.... or rather I did. But I have a problem lately my little willy isn't protruding from my stomach like it should its lying level with my stomach... i have no idea why. If i prod it a bit then it sticks out a little so I can attach the bag. But due to it not being upright enough the bags don't attach properly, therefore causing a leak. So I've had a couple of wet days lately and I'm not impressed.. its also bleeding a bit and its quite tender. So... I've arranged an appointment at the Stoma Clinic on Wednesday morning to see if it can be sorted. For those of you who are squeamish sorry if I've gone into too much detail but I figured you may as well know whats involved then you can know why i have bad days and good! So what should have taken me 5 minutes today took 25.
"Sorry" I apologised to Logan as I walked into the room. "So how have you been?"
"Okay thanks" Logan replied.
"Hows Ellie?"
"Okay"
"Where did you go then?"
"Leeds"
"What shopping?"
"You could call it that"
"Well what would you call it"
"Dunno" Logan said colouring slightly. "Did you kiss her?"
"No comment" he replied colouring red again.
"Ooh you did" he laughed and hid behind his guitar.
"Ooh has Logan been kissing" Sue came in after overhearing our conversation.
"I'm not talking about this" Logan replied. "Help me Jenna".
"What?" Jenna who had been engrossed in her computer looked up.
"Help me they won't leave me alone" Logan laughed.
"Okay I'll stop. When do i get to meet her"
"Hopefully never" Logan replied.
"Has your dad met her?"
"On a school trip in year four yes, not since though".
"Well you can bring her to the wedding" I told him.
"Yes i want to meet her" Sue told him.
"I don't know" Logan replied.
"Just remember you've agreed to help me with the photos at the wedding" she reminded him. "But I think you should have a plus one so you can bring someone with you".
"Okay I can go with that" Logan replied smiling.
Next we had the tricky conversation about Logan and where he wants to stay. I know its been troubling him. He's been staying with his dad since Jenna and I went to Cyprus in September.
"So do you want to come home or stay with your dad?" I asked him.
"I don't know" he replied.
"I thought you had made your decision Logan. I'm not mad but we need to sort it out so I can make a decision about the room". Logan looked down at his hands. You see, Jenna is twenty and currently has the box room in the house. Logan and her swapped when Kyle Dave's son moved down from Scotland when Dave and I were together so he would have somewhere to sleep when they stayed over. When Dave and Kyle left Logan continued to have the spare room. However, if Logan's living with his dad it seems unfair to keep Jenna in the small room if Logan will only be staying occasionally.
"So what do you think? Have you made a decision?"
"I don't know" Logan replied again. Then Sue spoke...
"That's not what you said to me Logan" Sue said. Logan looked at her. "Do you want me to tell your mum what we were talking about last night and explain it for you? I will if you want?"
"Yes if you like"
"Logan and me had a chat and he said he wants to live with his dad and visit you. But, he didn't want to tell you cos he is worried you would get upset. I have told Logan that if that is the case then obviously its only fair that Logan gets the small room as he won't be here all the time. Isn't that right Logan?"
"That's what you said" he replied grinning.
"No that's what you said" Sue replied.
"Logan just tell me what you want" I sighed "I won't be angry I just want you to make a decision either way"
"What Sue said" He answered.
"Okay that's fine, do you want to arrange set days to see me?"
"No. I'd rather just come over when I want".
"Okay that's fine by me. I'm glad you've made a decision and my door will always be open".
"Dinners ready can you grab some stuff for me?" Sue yelled from the kitchen about an hour later. We'd all been sat watching Toy Story which had been playing on the telly. I felt a tad ashamed at how we'd all left her too it.
"I'm sorry I should have insisted on helping you" I told Sue.
"Don't be daft I enjoyed it. Grab those potatoes and put them on the table for me?" She said as she stirred the gravy. The table was laid with four plates and in the centre sat some dishes. One held roast potatoes and chicken, a dish with cauliflower cheese, another dish with carrots and one with peas then a big bowl of mash potato and another with stuffing in.
"Wow you've been busy. Come on kids, table" I called and we all sat down together and helped ourselves to food.
We had just finished when Sue my neighbour over the road called in. "Lol can i get those steps I learnt you? I need to put that light bulb in the bathroom"
"Yes course you can they're in the kitchen"
"Wow that looks nice,"
"Grab a plate Sue" Sue told her.
"No its okay I've eaten"
"Are you sure, there's loads left it will only go in the bin"
"Oh you can't do that"
"Well it won't get eaten, are you sure you don't want any?"
"Well I tell you what I'll take some for Tom, he'll eat it" Sue replied and so I plated up some food for Tom and she took that and the steps over to her house. "He'll love it" she grinned and headed home.
Later that night Sue had left and I got in the car with Logan to take him back to his dads. "You will come and see me won't you?"
"Yes"
"Promise?"
"Promise!"
"Try and come over next week after Wednesday when Lee arrives"
"Okay I'll try"
"Good and let me know about the party"
"I will mum" Logan told me as we pulled up outside Rae's house.
"Kiss?" I asked and he lent over so I could kiss his head. "Cuddle?" and once again Logan lent over so I could give him a hug. "I love you" I told him. "Bye".
It is so hard letting your kids go watching them grow up and in effect letting go of the apron strings. Especially when you know they're running away. Right now I don't think Logan can deal with the fact that I'm ill and staying away is his way of coping. Cos if he doesn't see it, in his head its not happening. I understand and I'm glad he finally told me what he wants but I can't help being upset at loosing my baby. I hope one day he can deal with it so that he and I can spend some time together before its too late.
Night all xx
"Morning" I mumbled.
"Were you asleep?"
"No I'm awake just a little sore".
"Have you had your morphine?"
"Yes I've just taken it"
"So what you up too today?"
"Well there's a bridal fayre on in Wakefield if I can get myself to move I was considering going there with mum and Jenna. Its a toss up between going back to bed or going to the bridal fayre".
"Well see how you feel. I'm sat with mum and dad at Waves having a drink so they've got my plane ticket but I've been told I can't have it cos I'll loose it. So they're hanging onto it until they take me to the airport".
"Oh right" I laughed in some ways Lee was as bad as me for loosing things. Someone wants to talk to you.
"Hi duckie" It was Steph Lee's mum.
"Hi Steph"
"We've been looking at hotels but I need to know which is nearest to you" she told me.
"Okay well I'm ringing the local ones on Monday see if we can get a discount for booking in bulk" I told her.
"Oh okay. Well me and Barry are coming Wednesday to Wednesday so let me know where we can stay that's near to you, okay?"
"Yes okay I'll give you a ring Monday night and let you know how I get on" I told her. Next Barry came on the phone.
"Hiya Sweets, so do you think his passport will arrive Monday?"
"Yeah I do Barry you can track it online and it tells you in detail where it is but it landed in Cyprus at 13.30 on Saturday and it says it arrived at depot for dispatch at 14.42 on Saturday so I think they'll deliver it to you on Monday"
"Oh well that's good sweets we're in all day Monday cos I presume we'll have to sign for it".
"Yes I think sot
"Well at least this way Lee will be there for your op on Monday and your chemo starting. I think he'll feel better that he's there for you".
"Yes I do too. And I'm glad he's there for the line putting in. They sent me through some documentation on it and its scared me stupid I wish they'd not bothered Barry it sounds horrific".
"I'm sure you'll be fine".
"I will be if Lee's with me" I told him. "I'm so excited, I can't believe he's coming home".
"Well me and Steph have both told him he's got to look after you so if he steps out of line you ring and tell us and we'll sort him out for you". I laughed and Barry laughed too. "See you at the wedding".
"Bye Barry".
"Hiya darl" Lee came back on the phone.
"Hi yourself. Have you told them all you're leaving?" I asked him.
"Only Leighton, Mario's from the bar. Oh and the fitness instructors you met, they know too now".
"Oh okay"
"So how do you feel if Luke isn't happy and doesn't come?"
"Its fine they've messed you about and anyone that does that to you isn't welcome in my book anyway". I told him. "I love you".
"I love you too" he whispered down the phone.
"Logan's coming at lunchtime Sue had a long talk with him on face book last night and he wants to live with his dad he's too scared to tell me though. He's worried I'll either kick off or be really upset. So he's asked Sue to come with him today whilst he tells me".
"Oh well at least he's being honest with you now. And I'm sure he'll come visit".
"That's what I'm worried about that he'll forget I exist".
"He loves you too much darl, he won't do that."
"I hope you're right".
"He's bound to be upset Loraine he's not coping with your illness we both know that and that's probably why he wants to stay at his dads. I wouldn't worry".
"Well I better go you get back to your mum and dad and I'm off to this wedding fayre cos I have to be back here for 2.30 for Sue coming and then Logan will be here at three".
"Okay have a nice day. I'm going to ring Sue later so let me know when she's at yours".
"What you ringing her for?"
"Its a surprise for you I just want to ask her about" Lee replied.
"Well I have a wedding surprise for you" I told him.
"What surprise?"
"Why you ringing sue?"
"I'm not telling you"
"Well I'm not telling you about the surprise I have for you on our wedding day then".
"You're a bugger"
"I know so are you. Right I have to go get ready love your Mr Mcevoy".
"Love you Mrs Mcevoy see you Wednesday".
"Can't wait".
The wedding fayre was okay but it had ideas for things I had already sorted out... Bridal gowns... done. Flowers.... done.. Cakes... done... Photographers... done. So there was nothing really that would have been any help it was a shame. We had a coffee at Marks and Spencer's ... well me and mum did. Jenna had a deluxe hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream. I must admit when I saw it I'd wished I'd ordered the same thing. From Marks and Spencer's we headed over to the Trinity walk shopping centre to have a look at bridesmaid dresses in Debenhams (well when I say we Jenna went to superdrug whilst me and mum headed to debenhams, saying she would meet us there! There were some really nice gold ones, as I love the theme gold and cream its very classy and its christmassy and as we're just out of the Christmas season I think its a good theme. Also I've seen a very elegant car in the same colours ha ha. At least now Lee will be here to help plan the wedding with me. Cos I was getting worried about doing it all on my own.
"What do you think to this dress?" I asked my mum showing her the wedding dress I had picked out originally.
"Its not a patch on the one you've got" she told me. "Yours is fantastic".
"Aw thanks mum"
"I mean it you look stunning and Lee's jaw will drop when he sees it for the first time."
"Thanks. Okay well let me show you the gold bridesmaid dresses".
"Oh yes they're nice... its a different shade of gold to what I expected its nice.. more like a light bronze"
"Yes it is but its nice don't you think?"
"Ooh I like the long ones Loraine they're really nice"
"You think?"
"Yes I really like those ones" Mum told me. Then Jenna appeared and I showed her the dresses and the fur shrugs we could get to go with them. They had ivory or a light beige colour.
"Ooh yes I like those" Jenna smiled. "That fur jacket is gorgeous"
"So you would wear the long one then?"
"Yes I would".
"Bingo" I told my mum. "All we need to do now is persuade Lorna she can always wear the short one".
Just then I noticed the time.. "Crap we better go Sue's arriving at mine at 2.30 and Logan at 3 its 2.30 now. I'm just gonna text Sue". So I text her to ask where she was.
"I'm in the co op" the message came back.
"Shit she's in Ossett" I moaned "We seriously need to go" and so we headed to the ridings at as quick a speed as mums stick would allow us too.
"Sorry Sue, sorry Logan" I apologised as Jenna and I got out of the car. Sue was leaning against her car and Logan was sat on the table outside the front of the house playing his guitar.
"Its okay" Sue told me.
"I've only been sitting here forty five minutes" Logan told us.
"Really? Oh god I'm sorry" Logan smirked and Sue laughed.
"We've been here all of five minutes I picked him up on the way".
"Sorry we were as quick as my mums stick would allowed her to be. I think I've worn her out. And I have a leak so I'm going to have to get changed before I do anything else".
"Well I've been shopping so I'm going to make us a roast dinner" Sue told me as I opened the door.
"You don't have to do that"
"I know I don't but I want one" She told me taking the shopping bags into my kitchen. "You go do what you have to do and leave me to it".
"Okay I'll go and change first then" I told her and headed to get my bag for my spare supplies. "Logan I'm just going to get changed then I'll be with you okay?"
"Yes okay".
For those of you who don't have urostomy bags this is how I would describe it. Basically when they take out your bladder they have to give you a way to pee. So the tubes that previously went from your kidneys into your bladder are redirected. There are a few ways to do this some people have a bladder built inside and empty it with means of a catheter they have to insert into their stomach. A new way is to direct the tubes into your bowel so you poo and wee out of the same exit. Then there's the way mine works. They make a hole in the right hand side of your stomach and poking out of it is a bit of my small bowel (stoma nurses describe it as a little tomato cos its red and round in shape). However, I've checked and rechecked and I'm sorry but its not like a tomato its like a little boys willy, cos its only small about 20mm in diameter and it moves up and down and sticks out from your stomach. The tubes that previously went into my bladder now connect inside to this part of my bowel or as I would say into my little willy. Then a stream of urine comes out of it and when a bag is connected straight into the bag. A urostomy bag has a whole in the middle of some sticky backed bags and the little willy goes into the hole and a seal forms around it to hold it in place. Changing it is easy first thing in the morning as if you haven't had a drink overnight there's nothing to come out, so it remains dry. However, halfway through the day the stream of urine is constant so trying to change it standing up without getting wee everywhere is fairly tricky. I however have this down to a fine art.... or rather I did. But I have a problem lately my little willy isn't protruding from my stomach like it should its lying level with my stomach... i have no idea why. If i prod it a bit then it sticks out a little so I can attach the bag. But due to it not being upright enough the bags don't attach properly, therefore causing a leak. So I've had a couple of wet days lately and I'm not impressed.. its also bleeding a bit and its quite tender. So... I've arranged an appointment at the Stoma Clinic on Wednesday morning to see if it can be sorted. For those of you who are squeamish sorry if I've gone into too much detail but I figured you may as well know whats involved then you can know why i have bad days and good! So what should have taken me 5 minutes today took 25.
"Sorry" I apologised to Logan as I walked into the room. "So how have you been?"
"Okay thanks" Logan replied.
"Hows Ellie?"
"Okay"
"Where did you go then?"
"Leeds"
"What shopping?"
"You could call it that"
"Well what would you call it"
"Dunno" Logan said colouring slightly. "Did you kiss her?"
"No comment" he replied colouring red again.
"Ooh you did" he laughed and hid behind his guitar.
"Ooh has Logan been kissing" Sue came in after overhearing our conversation.
"I'm not talking about this" Logan replied. "Help me Jenna".
"What?" Jenna who had been engrossed in her computer looked up.
"Help me they won't leave me alone" Logan laughed.
"Okay I'll stop. When do i get to meet her"
"Hopefully never" Logan replied.
"Has your dad met her?"
"On a school trip in year four yes, not since though".
"Well you can bring her to the wedding" I told him.
"Yes i want to meet her" Sue told him.
"I don't know" Logan replied.
"Just remember you've agreed to help me with the photos at the wedding" she reminded him. "But I think you should have a plus one so you can bring someone with you".
"Okay I can go with that" Logan replied smiling.
Next we had the tricky conversation about Logan and where he wants to stay. I know its been troubling him. He's been staying with his dad since Jenna and I went to Cyprus in September.
"So do you want to come home or stay with your dad?" I asked him.
"I don't know" he replied.
"I thought you had made your decision Logan. I'm not mad but we need to sort it out so I can make a decision about the room". Logan looked down at his hands. You see, Jenna is twenty and currently has the box room in the house. Logan and her swapped when Kyle Dave's son moved down from Scotland when Dave and I were together so he would have somewhere to sleep when they stayed over. When Dave and Kyle left Logan continued to have the spare room. However, if Logan's living with his dad it seems unfair to keep Jenna in the small room if Logan will only be staying occasionally.
"So what do you think? Have you made a decision?"
"I don't know" Logan replied again. Then Sue spoke...
"That's not what you said to me Logan" Sue said. Logan looked at her. "Do you want me to tell your mum what we were talking about last night and explain it for you? I will if you want?"
"Yes if you like"
"Logan and me had a chat and he said he wants to live with his dad and visit you. But, he didn't want to tell you cos he is worried you would get upset. I have told Logan that if that is the case then obviously its only fair that Logan gets the small room as he won't be here all the time. Isn't that right Logan?"
"That's what you said" he replied grinning.
"No that's what you said" Sue replied.
"Logan just tell me what you want" I sighed "I won't be angry I just want you to make a decision either way"
"What Sue said" He answered.
"Okay that's fine, do you want to arrange set days to see me?"
"No. I'd rather just come over when I want".
"Okay that's fine by me. I'm glad you've made a decision and my door will always be open".
"Dinners ready can you grab some stuff for me?" Sue yelled from the kitchen about an hour later. We'd all been sat watching Toy Story which had been playing on the telly. I felt a tad ashamed at how we'd all left her too it.
"I'm sorry I should have insisted on helping you" I told Sue.
"Don't be daft I enjoyed it. Grab those potatoes and put them on the table for me?" She said as she stirred the gravy. The table was laid with four plates and in the centre sat some dishes. One held roast potatoes and chicken, a dish with cauliflower cheese, another dish with carrots and one with peas then a big bowl of mash potato and another with stuffing in.
"Wow you've been busy. Come on kids, table" I called and we all sat down together and helped ourselves to food.
We had just finished when Sue my neighbour over the road called in. "Lol can i get those steps I learnt you? I need to put that light bulb in the bathroom"
"Yes course you can they're in the kitchen"
"Wow that looks nice,"
"Grab a plate Sue" Sue told her.
"No its okay I've eaten"
"Are you sure, there's loads left it will only go in the bin"
"Oh you can't do that"
"Well it won't get eaten, are you sure you don't want any?"
"Well I tell you what I'll take some for Tom, he'll eat it" Sue replied and so I plated up some food for Tom and she took that and the steps over to her house. "He'll love it" she grinned and headed home.
Later that night Sue had left and I got in the car with Logan to take him back to his dads. "You will come and see me won't you?"
"Yes"
"Promise?"
"Promise!"
"Try and come over next week after Wednesday when Lee arrives"
"Okay I'll try"
"Good and let me know about the party"
"I will mum" Logan told me as we pulled up outside Rae's house.
"Kiss?" I asked and he lent over so I could kiss his head. "Cuddle?" and once again Logan lent over so I could give him a hug. "I love you" I told him. "Bye".
It is so hard letting your kids go watching them grow up and in effect letting go of the apron strings. Especially when you know they're running away. Right now I don't think Logan can deal with the fact that I'm ill and staying away is his way of coping. Cos if he doesn't see it, in his head its not happening. I understand and I'm glad he finally told me what he wants but I can't help being upset at loosing my baby. I hope one day he can deal with it so that he and I can spend some time together before its too late.
Night all xx
Saturday 15th October - Really??
Today is not a good day..... God I wish it was but it isn't my stomach feels like someones ripping the lining off it.... really really sore....not good. Bent double I head downstairs for my morphine tablets and liquid. I've already been up twice, first I got up at four and started emulsioning the walls in the hallway.... (I know this sounds daft but once I wake up I need to tire myself out to get back to sleep and as Lee' s not here...ha ha) I felt tired around six so went back to bed and now here I was nine am and wide awake again.
So I'm up guzzling morphine when Sue calls over. "How's the decorating going?" she asks and then opening the door I get a "Woo, ooh its looking good"
"Thanks Sue, I need to go out and get a new roller its falling apart and driving me nuts" I tell her.
"Okay well we'll go down dewsbury shall we I'd like to go to Wilkinson's"
"Okay".
"I'll take the dogs for a walk first then I'll come over and get you" Sue tells me.
"Alright I'll get something to eat then and see you around dinnertime eh?"
"Yep sounds good".
Toast is about as good as it gets these days with my appetite it really is shocking. I don't do regular meals anymore I just eat when I'm hungry and trust me that's not very often. So what I have done is bought in loads of innocent smoothie drinks (part of my five a day), along with fresh soups like broccoli and Stilton, butternut squash soup (again part of my five a day). So at least I'm getting the nutrients i need for the time being eh? I just wish my money would come through sooner rather than later then I could get things organised for Lee arriving.But, at least this way it will be decorated if I get the rollers to do it with.
So I jumped in the shower washed my hair and got into my jeans and a top (I just want to add the jeans are a size 12...woo hoo) pulled on my trainers and I was ready. I am so glad I don't use hair straighteners anymore and let my hair be natural for one thing it saves tonnes of time. Its great!!
We set off an hour later Jenna had come down in her pj's I asked her to empty the dishwasher and put the washing out for me, as a nice windy day meant hopefully the washing would be done!! We got in the car and i turned the key in the ignition... nothing!
"Aw not again" I moaned.
"Whats up?"
"There's no power it did this the other night when I went to take Clare home.." I turned the key again nothing. "Now what did I do with Clare? Yep that's right I flicked the lock and unlock but"ton tried again... (I did the actions as I was talking about them) and surprise ( I turned the ignition) and we have lift off..."Thanks Christine" I said out loud and sue looked at me like i was mad. "I named her Christine cos she's like the car off the telly with a mind of her own" I laughed. "Right Dewsbury here we come". As we trundled along i opened the windows I was too warm now.. I swear I'm having hot flushes. ... maybe I should get that checked too. We got to dewsbury and Sue touched the button for the window to wind up only instead it went further down.
"Oh what have I done"
"Its okay you just pushed it down instead of up" I reassured sue and went to correct it... nothing...
"Oh..."
"Whats up?"
"The window won't go back up... oh.. its playing silly buggers again".
"Oh god trust me what have i done?"
"its not you sue its the bloody car.. Christine strikes again. It was already down it shouldn't have let you push the button further that's all." So we fiddled sue tried to pull the window up with her fingers and just when Id decided to forget the idea and head for home. I turned the ignition and the window went up... "Christine strikes again!"
"I'm never putting your window down again" Sue told me laughing.
"Neither am I" I replied and we headed for Wilkinson's.
I never go to Wilkinson's... ever... I forget its there to be honest. But boy does it have some bargains.. I'm going back there's loads of stuff in it. I could go mad in there quite easily! Roll on the day when I get some money then I can go a little crazy!! I got some new rollers a big one and some small ones and we stopped at the chippy where I got a fish.
"I looked at flights for Lee last night so I've text him cos they're really expensive after Thursday"
"Are they?"
"Yep they're asking 611 euros for one way on Saturday its extortion" I told Sue.
"bloody hell that's expensive"
"I know just shows you how cheap our deal was". (The first time I went to Cyprus with Sue it was start of season and we got a managers special deal in the window which was 299 for bed and breakfast and return flights.. total bargain!! We headed for asda next as sue needed dog food and light bulbs she knew she could get in asda.
"I'm off to get some cigs and go to the loo. I'll meet you at the other end." she told me. So I whizzed round Asda and was at the checkout when Sue came back in.
"I'm finished"
"Okay I'll go get dog food I won't be long"
"Right see you in a bit" I told her. "I'll put these in the car and come back for you". So I put my stuff in the car and rang Lee. It was a good excuse.
"Hiya, hows you"
"Okay now I've woken up properly I was knackered."
"So I had a look at your flights and the prices treble on Friday Saturday and Sunday its cheaper you coming over Monday to Thursday"
"Oh, really when you say treble?"
"Well for the Saturday flight it was 611 euros which is kind of expensive"
"Bloody hell, really?"
"Yeah really whereas Monday to Thursday dearest one is 193 euros"
"Right well I'll have to see if i can get one of them then depending on if passports here or not."
"Well I'll check it via that tracker number they gave me and I'll ring you later to let you know."
"OK darl"
"Oh and how do you feel about a bonfire party on fifth November to introduce you to everyone?"
"That's a good idea, yes why not brilliant idea".
"I'll get everyone to bring a bottle, jack from work said he would make a big pot of chili and if we get them all to bring their own beer all we need is fireworks, rubbish to burn, which i have lots of and pie and peas and mint sauce.... sorted".
"Okay yes go for it".
"Great I love you I'll ring you later".
"Okay bye love you too".
It was after six before i got round to checking on lee's passport cos I emulsioned the stairs and hall as soon as i got in. 13.30 it stated arrived at destination country. and 14.42 arrived at depot for dispatch. So i got on the phone and rang Lee again.
"Hiya good news your passport is in Cyprus its at the depot awaiting dispatch so you should have it Monday"
"Oh that's brill darl"
"That means you can book a flight"
"Ah well how are you fixed for picking me up Wednesday or Thursday at 10.30ish?"
"Morning or evening?"
"Evening?"
"Great I can do either are you going to book it then"
"Mum and dad are sorting it I'm coming Wednesday or Thursday but I can't remember which time is 10.30pm though I remembered that bit"
"Really?"
"Really" Lee replied. "What you thinking?"
"I can't believe it ... really?"
"Yes really I will be on British soil on Wednesday evening. I will be with you"
"Oh that's fantastic"
"You happy?"
"Ecstatic" I replied.
"Good then go to bed tonight get a good night sleep and know that I will be with you on Wednesday evening, okay?"
"Okay"
"I love you Mrs Mcevoy"
"I love you too Mr Mcevoy, see you soon". So Lee will be here for you all to meet him on Wednesday night.... woo hoo... I am so so excited xx
So I'm up guzzling morphine when Sue calls over. "How's the decorating going?" she asks and then opening the door I get a "Woo, ooh its looking good"
"Thanks Sue, I need to go out and get a new roller its falling apart and driving me nuts" I tell her.
"Okay well we'll go down dewsbury shall we I'd like to go to Wilkinson's"
"Okay".
"I'll take the dogs for a walk first then I'll come over and get you" Sue tells me.
"Alright I'll get something to eat then and see you around dinnertime eh?"
"Yep sounds good".
Toast is about as good as it gets these days with my appetite it really is shocking. I don't do regular meals anymore I just eat when I'm hungry and trust me that's not very often. So what I have done is bought in loads of innocent smoothie drinks (part of my five a day), along with fresh soups like broccoli and Stilton, butternut squash soup (again part of my five a day). So at least I'm getting the nutrients i need for the time being eh? I just wish my money would come through sooner rather than later then I could get things organised for Lee arriving.But, at least this way it will be decorated if I get the rollers to do it with.
So I jumped in the shower washed my hair and got into my jeans and a top (I just want to add the jeans are a size 12...woo hoo) pulled on my trainers and I was ready. I am so glad I don't use hair straighteners anymore and let my hair be natural for one thing it saves tonnes of time. Its great!!
We set off an hour later Jenna had come down in her pj's I asked her to empty the dishwasher and put the washing out for me, as a nice windy day meant hopefully the washing would be done!! We got in the car and i turned the key in the ignition... nothing!
"Aw not again" I moaned.
"Whats up?"
"There's no power it did this the other night when I went to take Clare home.." I turned the key again nothing. "Now what did I do with Clare? Yep that's right I flicked the lock and unlock but"ton tried again... (I did the actions as I was talking about them) and surprise ( I turned the ignition) and we have lift off..."Thanks Christine" I said out loud and sue looked at me like i was mad. "I named her Christine cos she's like the car off the telly with a mind of her own" I laughed. "Right Dewsbury here we come". As we trundled along i opened the windows I was too warm now.. I swear I'm having hot flushes. ... maybe I should get that checked too. We got to dewsbury and Sue touched the button for the window to wind up only instead it went further down.
"Oh what have I done"
"Its okay you just pushed it down instead of up" I reassured sue and went to correct it... nothing...
"Oh..."
"Whats up?"
"The window won't go back up... oh.. its playing silly buggers again".
"Oh god trust me what have i done?"
"its not you sue its the bloody car.. Christine strikes again. It was already down it shouldn't have let you push the button further that's all." So we fiddled sue tried to pull the window up with her fingers and just when Id decided to forget the idea and head for home. I turned the ignition and the window went up... "Christine strikes again!"
"I'm never putting your window down again" Sue told me laughing.
"Neither am I" I replied and we headed for Wilkinson's.
I never go to Wilkinson's... ever... I forget its there to be honest. But boy does it have some bargains.. I'm going back there's loads of stuff in it. I could go mad in there quite easily! Roll on the day when I get some money then I can go a little crazy!! I got some new rollers a big one and some small ones and we stopped at the chippy where I got a fish.
"I looked at flights for Lee last night so I've text him cos they're really expensive after Thursday"
"Are they?"
"Yep they're asking 611 euros for one way on Saturday its extortion" I told Sue.
"bloody hell that's expensive"
"I know just shows you how cheap our deal was". (The first time I went to Cyprus with Sue it was start of season and we got a managers special deal in the window which was 299 for bed and breakfast and return flights.. total bargain!! We headed for asda next as sue needed dog food and light bulbs she knew she could get in asda.
"I'm off to get some cigs and go to the loo. I'll meet you at the other end." she told me. So I whizzed round Asda and was at the checkout when Sue came back in.
"I'm finished"
"Okay I'll go get dog food I won't be long"
"Right see you in a bit" I told her. "I'll put these in the car and come back for you". So I put my stuff in the car and rang Lee. It was a good excuse.
"Hiya, hows you"
"Okay now I've woken up properly I was knackered."
"So I had a look at your flights and the prices treble on Friday Saturday and Sunday its cheaper you coming over Monday to Thursday"
"Oh, really when you say treble?"
"Well for the Saturday flight it was 611 euros which is kind of expensive"
"Bloody hell, really?"
"Yeah really whereas Monday to Thursday dearest one is 193 euros"
"Right well I'll have to see if i can get one of them then depending on if passports here or not."
"Well I'll check it via that tracker number they gave me and I'll ring you later to let you know."
"OK darl"
"Oh and how do you feel about a bonfire party on fifth November to introduce you to everyone?"
"That's a good idea, yes why not brilliant idea".
"I'll get everyone to bring a bottle, jack from work said he would make a big pot of chili and if we get them all to bring their own beer all we need is fireworks, rubbish to burn, which i have lots of and pie and peas and mint sauce.... sorted".
"Okay yes go for it".
"Great I love you I'll ring you later".
"Okay bye love you too".
It was after six before i got round to checking on lee's passport cos I emulsioned the stairs and hall as soon as i got in. 13.30 it stated arrived at destination country. and 14.42 arrived at depot for dispatch. So i got on the phone and rang Lee again.
"Hiya good news your passport is in Cyprus its at the depot awaiting dispatch so you should have it Monday"
"Oh that's brill darl"
"That means you can book a flight"
"Ah well how are you fixed for picking me up Wednesday or Thursday at 10.30ish?"
"Morning or evening?"
"Evening?"
"Great I can do either are you going to book it then"
"Mum and dad are sorting it I'm coming Wednesday or Thursday but I can't remember which time is 10.30pm though I remembered that bit"
"Really?"
"Really" Lee replied. "What you thinking?"
"I can't believe it ... really?"
"Yes really I will be on British soil on Wednesday evening. I will be with you"
"Oh that's fantastic"
"You happy?"
"Ecstatic" I replied.
"Good then go to bed tonight get a good night sleep and know that I will be with you on Wednesday evening, okay?"
"Okay"
"I love you Mrs Mcevoy"
"I love you too Mr Mcevoy, see you soon". So Lee will be here for you all to meet him on Wednesday night.... woo hoo... I am so so excited xx
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Friday 14th October - Passport hurray!!
I woke up around 9.30 and plodded around slowly feeling a bit rough again... agony in my stomach and lower back again, when will this pain stop?? I drank some Oramorph and headed back upstairs to get dressed. Then the door knocked and i went downstairs to answer it.
"Passport for Mr Lee McEvoy?" A guy said holding out an envelope...
"Really? You're kidding? Wow thanks" he handed me the envelope and a machine to sign on.
"Press really hard" I wrote down an eligible signature that even I didn't recognise as mine ah well never mind lol. I got straight on the phone and rang Lee
"Your passports here!" I practically screamed down the phone I was so excited.
"Oh fantastic"
"I'm gonna go straight up to the post office with it now and find out the quickest way to get it to you" I told him.
"Brilliant"
"I'll ring you and let you know how long it will take to reach you after I've been" I told Lee.
"Okay great see you soon, love you".
"Love you more" I told him and smiling hung up. Next I rang Steph Lee's mum. "Passports here, I'm taking it up to the post office as soon as I get a timescale for delivery I'll ring you, okay?"
"Okay well it takes five to seven days normally" she told me.
"Well I'll see what timescales they offer I'll take the fastest one and I'll call you back"
"Okay duckie talk to you later".
Next it was a phone call to my dad "Passports here have you got a padded envelope?"
"Yep come down and we'll sort it out" .
"Okay I'll see you soon" I was there within twenty minutes. We wrapped the passport in a piece of paper and put it in the padded envelope.
"I'm going to have to lie and say its something else and i want to get it there as fast as possible and the safest way possible" I told him.
"Can't you say its a passport?"
"No because I've already said he lives at my address, why would he be overseas?"
"Oh yes course well say its a bank book that way they will understand why its a safe quick delivery you need".
"Okay good idea dad thanks". So we secured the passport between some white paper put it in a jiffy bag and secured it with tape and I wrote Barry and Stephs address on. Mum needed to go to the bank so I took her with me. We parked up and she headed to the bank whilst I went to the post office.
"Right i want to send this to Cyprus ... its a bank book" I explained. "So it needs to get their quickly and safely I need to be able to track it. What methods do you have".
"Well we do have one where you sign on delivery but you can't track it once it gets to Cyprus my daughter lives in Paphos and it took 15 days even though our system says five days." Maggie behind the counter explained to me.
"Okay well thats no good I need to be able to track it what else have you got?"
"Well we do have Global express but thats £47 guaranteed in two working days though"
"That's fine I'll have that one" she looked shocked. "I can get the money back from my in laws" I lied "Its their bank book they left it"
"Ah okay" she seemed to agree that would make sense. "If its not there by Tuesday you can get a one hundred percent refund".
"Okay thats fine lets hope it doesn't though eh?"
"Anything else you need?"
"No thanks" I shook my head handed over the money and took the receipt of her and left the post office. So thats the end of my illegal activity now and the passport is on its way to Cyprus. I rang Steph
"How much?"
"I know its expensive but its guaranteed Tuesday"
"Oh well thats good I'll ring you as soon as it gets here"
"Thanks Steph".
I had coffee with mum and then took her home.
"How much was it for postage?"
"Expensive"
"What twenty quid?"
"More.."
"Thirty quid?"
"More"
"You are joking?"
"It cost me forty-seven but its guaranteed to arrive Tuesday. However, I'm back to square one and I've got no money. I wouldn't mind I was gonna go get some magnolia paint and do the hallway today I want to freshen things up a bit before Lee gets here. Fat chance now though".
"I've got some Magnolia paint and some rollers I just don't have a tray"
"Okay great thanks" I headed to the shed with dad and soon we were loading my car with a huge tub of magnolia paint and some rollers. I headed back into Ossett town centre for a roller tray and ended up buying a set of rollers and trays, a paint brush and a scraper. Then I headed home to make a start scraping wallpaper. The phone rang just as I got in.
"Do you like Mexican food?" It was Vicki my friend from work.
"Well I like chilli and nachos, I've never really tried other Mexican food" I told her.
"Well I'll cook lots of little bits. I've left work now I'll text you when I'm on my way".
"Okay I'll see you soon".
When Vicki arrived she helped me strip the walls in the hall way which I was halfway through doing on my own. We had it finished in no time and then she got to work cooking the smells from the kitchen were bliss and I was amazed at what she produced there was mexican chilli rice, Mexican chilli chicken in fajitas and enchiladas and nachos and Mexican dips it was ready just as Jenna arrived in from work.
"Ooh hiya Vicki" Jenna greeted as she walked in.
"Hiya I've made mexican food for your tea, hope you're hungry"
"ooh yeah"
"Make sure you try it Jenna even if you don't eat it all please make sure you try it first"
"I will"she replied. To be fair she is getting better at tasting stuff and she sat down and dug in when it came to the table. I ate more food than I'd eaten all week and I enjoyed every bit of what I ate. All of it was washed down with a Rosy wine.
I went to bed completely stuffed and very very happy I have wonderful friends xx
"Passport for Mr Lee McEvoy?" A guy said holding out an envelope...
"Really? You're kidding? Wow thanks" he handed me the envelope and a machine to sign on.
"Press really hard" I wrote down an eligible signature that even I didn't recognise as mine ah well never mind lol. I got straight on the phone and rang Lee
"Your passports here!" I practically screamed down the phone I was so excited.
"Oh fantastic"
"I'm gonna go straight up to the post office with it now and find out the quickest way to get it to you" I told him.
"Brilliant"
"I'll ring you and let you know how long it will take to reach you after I've been" I told Lee.
"Okay great see you soon, love you".
"Love you more" I told him and smiling hung up. Next I rang Steph Lee's mum. "Passports here, I'm taking it up to the post office as soon as I get a timescale for delivery I'll ring you, okay?"
"Okay well it takes five to seven days normally" she told me.
"Well I'll see what timescales they offer I'll take the fastest one and I'll call you back"
"Okay duckie talk to you later".
Next it was a phone call to my dad "Passports here have you got a padded envelope?"
"Yep come down and we'll sort it out" .
"Okay I'll see you soon" I was there within twenty minutes. We wrapped the passport in a piece of paper and put it in the padded envelope.
"I'm going to have to lie and say its something else and i want to get it there as fast as possible and the safest way possible" I told him.
"Can't you say its a passport?"
"No because I've already said he lives at my address, why would he be overseas?"
"Oh yes course well say its a bank book that way they will understand why its a safe quick delivery you need".
"Okay good idea dad thanks". So we secured the passport between some white paper put it in a jiffy bag and secured it with tape and I wrote Barry and Stephs address on. Mum needed to go to the bank so I took her with me. We parked up and she headed to the bank whilst I went to the post office.
"Right i want to send this to Cyprus ... its a bank book" I explained. "So it needs to get their quickly and safely I need to be able to track it. What methods do you have".
"Well we do have one where you sign on delivery but you can't track it once it gets to Cyprus my daughter lives in Paphos and it took 15 days even though our system says five days." Maggie behind the counter explained to me.
"Okay well thats no good I need to be able to track it what else have you got?"
"Well we do have Global express but thats £47 guaranteed in two working days though"
"That's fine I'll have that one" she looked shocked. "I can get the money back from my in laws" I lied "Its their bank book they left it"
"Ah okay" she seemed to agree that would make sense. "If its not there by Tuesday you can get a one hundred percent refund".
"Okay thats fine lets hope it doesn't though eh?"
"Anything else you need?"
"No thanks" I shook my head handed over the money and took the receipt of her and left the post office. So thats the end of my illegal activity now and the passport is on its way to Cyprus. I rang Steph
"How much?"
"I know its expensive but its guaranteed Tuesday"
"Oh well thats good I'll ring you as soon as it gets here"
"Thanks Steph".
I had coffee with mum and then took her home.
"How much was it for postage?"
"Expensive"
"What twenty quid?"
"More.."
"Thirty quid?"
"More"
"You are joking?"
"It cost me forty-seven but its guaranteed to arrive Tuesday. However, I'm back to square one and I've got no money. I wouldn't mind I was gonna go get some magnolia paint and do the hallway today I want to freshen things up a bit before Lee gets here. Fat chance now though".
"I've got some Magnolia paint and some rollers I just don't have a tray"
"Okay great thanks" I headed to the shed with dad and soon we were loading my car with a huge tub of magnolia paint and some rollers. I headed back into Ossett town centre for a roller tray and ended up buying a set of rollers and trays, a paint brush and a scraper. Then I headed home to make a start scraping wallpaper. The phone rang just as I got in.
"Do you like Mexican food?" It was Vicki my friend from work.
"Well I like chilli and nachos, I've never really tried other Mexican food" I told her.
"Well I'll cook lots of little bits. I've left work now I'll text you when I'm on my way".
"Okay I'll see you soon".
When Vicki arrived she helped me strip the walls in the hall way which I was halfway through doing on my own. We had it finished in no time and then she got to work cooking the smells from the kitchen were bliss and I was amazed at what she produced there was mexican chilli rice, Mexican chilli chicken in fajitas and enchiladas and nachos and Mexican dips it was ready just as Jenna arrived in from work.
"Ooh hiya Vicki" Jenna greeted as she walked in.
"Hiya I've made mexican food for your tea, hope you're hungry"
"ooh yeah"
"Make sure you try it Jenna even if you don't eat it all please make sure you try it first"
"I will"she replied. To be fair she is getting better at tasting stuff and she sat down and dug in when it came to the table. I ate more food than I'd eaten all week and I enjoyed every bit of what I ate. All of it was washed down with a Rosy wine.
I went to bed completely stuffed and very very happy I have wonderful friends xx
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Thursday 13 October 2011 - My dad is the best.
Mm not a good day!! I woke up in agony... severe stomach pains and lower back pain at around four am. I'd briefly gotten to talk to Lee around midnight our time he had just been leaving work. I couldn't sleep we were in the middle of a conversation when his phone just went dead. It often does that.... its so frustrating because I'll ring back and his phone rings and its as if he's not answering.. but actually its just not connecting at his end.... so I'd gone to bed on a downer. Now it was four am and the pains were bad so i decided to get up have a drink, a stretch and some Oramorph in a desperate attempt to get rid of it!!!
Instead I ended up stripping wallpaper in my hallway... there i was in my dressing gown and slippers stripping wallpaper at four thirty in the morning ... how mad is that?? The thing is once the pain takes hold its like a constant toothache and there's no getting shut of it then.... so I find keeping busy is best... hence stripping wallpaper at four in the morning!!!
Next I got on the laptop and worked out my guest list for day and evening... If I had my way everyone would be there both for our ceremony, the meal, and the party at night... unfortunately this wedding, our wedding is on a tight budget so I can't have everyone there for both. So my guest list during the day is limited to 95!! The Mooney clan is rather large (my Nana and Pop (as we called my grandad) couldn't afford a telly) Hence my dad has two brothers and a sister, My Uncle Douglas, Uncle Alan and Aunt Margaret. Whereas my mums lot (Gran and Pappy (as we called that grandad)) were a bit better off and had a black and white telly so there's only my mum, her sister (my aunt Loraine whom I'm named after and lives in Holland) and a brother my Uncle Edwin, who due to his disability probably won't be at my wedding..... I'm probably gonna suffer cos of these comments trust me. Anyway all of them are married apart from my mums brother, my uncle Edwin, and all of them have children so I have one cousin on mums side, (Kenneth and his partner Claudia live in Spain and have two children Gonzalo and Loraine) and four cousins on my dads side, Maureen, who's married to Colin and they have two children Finlay and Maisie. Eleanor who married John in March, then there's Ross who's girlfriend is Claire and David who's girlfriend I think is Joanne ( I haven't met her yet). So I was rather glad when Lee said he didn't have a big family as there's more space for our lot that way!! Then there's my friends, who comes to the day do and who doesn't god its complicated. But I'm sure each and every one of you will understand that if you're not at the wedding its simply because my gran and grandad didn't own a telly and things got out of control ha ha ha.
Seat planning now that is complicated all i can say is I did my best, so tough if you don't like who you are sitting with just make the best of it!
Anyway it got to six am Jenna was getting up for work so I decided I'd better try have a nap otherwise I'd be knackered for the rest of the day.... at ten I woke up again due to a leaky bag (here we go again!!) I must ring the stoma nurses today and get an appointment to get this sorted out!! Lee is not gonna want to lie in a bed that i pee all over in the night cos my stoma bag won't stay on!!
... ( can i just say I think one of my neighbours is doing karaoke at this moment in time and it resembles a squealing cat... please stop!!)
So at ten I got up and jumped in the shower, stripped the bed again.. I need to get more sheets too .. this is getting out of hand!!... NOTE to self get the dryer fixed that way you can dry the sheets you pee over when its torrential drizzle outside!!
Anyway just got out the shower when the phone rang....
"Dad can I ring you back just got out the shower and have to change my bag?"
"Okay I have good news, ring me back". So I hurriedly sorted out applying a new bag... a bit haphazardly and rang my dad straight back.
"Hi, what news?"
" That letter I got from the tax man where I thought it said i owed them £722."
"Yes"
"It was the other way round they owed me it, so I have a cheque I'm about to put in the bank and I thought I would like to buy your wedding dress for you"
"Really? Are you sure?"
"I wouldn't say it if I weren't sure"
"Okay thanks, when..."
"Well I'll go up and put it in the bank you get yourself dressed I'll draw out the cash for you and then you can pay for it and pick it up today if you like"
"Really? Wow thanks dad I'll be down as quick as I can. I'll ring the shop and check its okay to pick it up and see you in about an hour".
"Okay see you soon".
Can I just say one amazing thing about having naturally curly hair that I actually like curly... now means it takes half the time to get ready as I wash it shove some mousse through it and leave it to dry so I'm ready in half the time!!
"Hi Louise its Loraine, I came in and ordered my wedding dress with you yesterday."
"Well my dad has decided he's going to pay for my wedding dress. And as he's Scottish I decided I better bite his hand off and come for the dress today before he changes his mind... is that okay"
"Yep course it is I'll have it ready for you. The shoes aren't here yet though they'll be about six weeks but they will be here in time for your fitting. Do you want us to keep the dress here and wait for your shoes or take the dress and collect the shoes later?"
"Mm can I collect the dress anyway?"
"Course you can. I'll have it ready".
"Thanks Louise". Next I made a phone call to Louise the mobile seamstress Celebrations recommend to have a chat about my dress alterations. It definitely needs shortening cos I am a short arse at five foot three....and it needs taking in at the bust cos my boobs aren't as big now I've lost weight. A very friendly women answered I explained who I was. Then I told her my wedding date and that I was starting chemo so I wasn't sure what was gonna happen re my weight and asked what she recommended I do about alterations.
"Well what I do in special situations like yours is wait until a week before the wedding, come down and do a fitting with you take the dress away and have it back to you two days before your wedding. Is that okay?"
"Oh that would be fantastic thanks"
"Right then lets get you booked in. I just need to put you in my diary for next year, whats your name again?" So I now have a fitting for my wedding dress on the 7th January at 1pm. All I have to do is remember so I'm relying on whoever is reading this to give me a nudge and remind me because I will forget!!
About forty minutes later I walked into my mum and dads... the physio was there to discuss my mum and any help she might need. So i left them too it and plugged in the laptop so I could have a look at the email Simon had sent me (Simon is designing my wedding invites). Unfortunately I couldn't to connect to the wifi so that was a non starter I didn't want to interrupt and ask for the network key. So I connected myself with looking through my budget and staring at the one on my desktop that I'd saved earlier... .it looked really nice....
"When can we go for the dress?"
"Well go now if you want take your mum and we'll go for lunch when you get back".
"Okay great".
We parked in the Carpenters Arms car park and headed for celebrations via the wellgate centre. As we passed La Femme I waved to Debbie through the window and she beckoned us in.
"Let me see your ring?"
"Oh Loraine its beautiful, look at all the detail.. oh its great what a great choice he made".
"I know and how much was I worrying about his choice"
"Oh Marlene you should have heard her she was worried sick. Don't you look well" Debbie said turning to my mum.
"I'm feeling better"
"You look amazing"
"Thank you. I just need to get rid of my wrinkles" Then mum turned to me."Shall we book in and we can use our vouchers?"
"Yes why not lets get our nails done" Mum still has vouchers for the beauticians left from Mothers day cos she's not been well enough to use them. And I have £70 worth from my birthday.
"When can you fit us both in?"
"Only time I can do you together would be next Thursday at 3pm, is that okay?"
"Yep that's great I don't have a hospital visit that day so it should work out okay. Can you put it on a card I'll write it down in my diary when I get in".
"Yep there you go. Now I must get back to my lady I'm running really late now".
"No problem see you later"
"Bye Debbie".
"Hiya Louise"
"Hi, here it is all ready for you" Louise hooked my dress open and opened it to show us.
"Fantastic thanks".
"Your shoes will probably be about eight weeks okay?"
"Yep brilliant there you go" I handed her the cash.
"Right let me get you some change". She disappeared and came back with my money. "I'll ring you as soon as your shoes come in. Did you ring Louise?"
"Yes she's going to do a fitting the week before and work on my dress all week"
"I told you she'd work round you and she's really good." Louise told me. "Did you say it was Jane that recommended us to you?"
"Yes that's right Jane at Woodkirk Valley country club"
"Okay I was going to text and ask you cos we want to send her a thank you she's recommended a few people lately. Anyway I'll ring you about your shoes and good luck with the passport office".
"Oh we've given up Lee's gonna go to the British embassy and ask for a document to allow him to fly back... he should be here in two weeks. With any luck he'll be here for the start of my treatment".
"Oh I hope so that'll be nice for you".
"Yes me too", so we said our goodbyes and left the store. Anyone getting married go to Celebrations you really get the personal touch.. fantastic all of them can't recommend them enough!!
So its been a busy day all in all. I've even rang Tax Credits told them my change in circumstances as Logan has now moved in with his dad and obviously I'm on sick and doubt I will ever return to work.They were really helpful first time ever and I actually don't think I'll be much worse off because my income will drop £3,000 this year because shortly I'll go onto half pay followed by just SSP. So my working tax credit will increase. What I loose in Child tax I should make up for in working tax.. there is a god after all.... There is one thing good about this dying lark... you are always better off financially whilst you are terminal... .not the best way to get money.... but I've had sod all from the government and I've worked every day since I was sixteen so I figured its time for a bit of pay back!! My last days on this earth may be dogged with that terrible thing that is cancer... but you know what I'm gonna make damned sure I enjoy everyone of them and with my family and friends and Lee with me I know that's exactly what I'm gonna do!!
Night all sleep well talk to you tomorrow xx
Instead I ended up stripping wallpaper in my hallway... there i was in my dressing gown and slippers stripping wallpaper at four thirty in the morning ... how mad is that?? The thing is once the pain takes hold its like a constant toothache and there's no getting shut of it then.... so I find keeping busy is best... hence stripping wallpaper at four in the morning!!!
Next I got on the laptop and worked out my guest list for day and evening... If I had my way everyone would be there both for our ceremony, the meal, and the party at night... unfortunately this wedding, our wedding is on a tight budget so I can't have everyone there for both. So my guest list during the day is limited to 95!! The Mooney clan is rather large (my Nana and Pop (as we called my grandad) couldn't afford a telly) Hence my dad has two brothers and a sister, My Uncle Douglas, Uncle Alan and Aunt Margaret. Whereas my mums lot (Gran and Pappy (as we called that grandad)) were a bit better off and had a black and white telly so there's only my mum, her sister (my aunt Loraine whom I'm named after and lives in Holland) and a brother my Uncle Edwin, who due to his disability probably won't be at my wedding..... I'm probably gonna suffer cos of these comments trust me. Anyway all of them are married apart from my mums brother, my uncle Edwin, and all of them have children so I have one cousin on mums side, (Kenneth and his partner Claudia live in Spain and have two children Gonzalo and Loraine) and four cousins on my dads side, Maureen, who's married to Colin and they have two children Finlay and Maisie. Eleanor who married John in March, then there's Ross who's girlfriend is Claire and David who's girlfriend I think is Joanne ( I haven't met her yet). So I was rather glad when Lee said he didn't have a big family as there's more space for our lot that way!! Then there's my friends, who comes to the day do and who doesn't god its complicated. But I'm sure each and every one of you will understand that if you're not at the wedding its simply because my gran and grandad didn't own a telly and things got out of control ha ha ha.
Seat planning now that is complicated all i can say is I did my best, so tough if you don't like who you are sitting with just make the best of it!
Anyway it got to six am Jenna was getting up for work so I decided I'd better try have a nap otherwise I'd be knackered for the rest of the day.... at ten I woke up again due to a leaky bag (here we go again!!) I must ring the stoma nurses today and get an appointment to get this sorted out!! Lee is not gonna want to lie in a bed that i pee all over in the night cos my stoma bag won't stay on!!
... ( can i just say I think one of my neighbours is doing karaoke at this moment in time and it resembles a squealing cat... please stop!!)
So at ten I got up and jumped in the shower, stripped the bed again.. I need to get more sheets too .. this is getting out of hand!!... NOTE to self get the dryer fixed that way you can dry the sheets you pee over when its torrential drizzle outside!!
Anyway just got out the shower when the phone rang....
"Dad can I ring you back just got out the shower and have to change my bag?"
"Okay I have good news, ring me back". So I hurriedly sorted out applying a new bag... a bit haphazardly and rang my dad straight back.
"Hi, what news?"
" That letter I got from the tax man where I thought it said i owed them £722."
"Yes"
"It was the other way round they owed me it, so I have a cheque I'm about to put in the bank and I thought I would like to buy your wedding dress for you"
"Really? Are you sure?"
"I wouldn't say it if I weren't sure"
"Okay thanks, when..."
"Well I'll go up and put it in the bank you get yourself dressed I'll draw out the cash for you and then you can pay for it and pick it up today if you like"
"Really? Wow thanks dad I'll be down as quick as I can. I'll ring the shop and check its okay to pick it up and see you in about an hour".
"Okay see you soon".
Can I just say one amazing thing about having naturally curly hair that I actually like curly... now means it takes half the time to get ready as I wash it shove some mousse through it and leave it to dry so I'm ready in half the time!!
"Hi Louise its Loraine, I came in and ordered my wedding dress with you yesterday."
"Well my dad has decided he's going to pay for my wedding dress. And as he's Scottish I decided I better bite his hand off and come for the dress today before he changes his mind... is that okay"
"Yep course it is I'll have it ready for you. The shoes aren't here yet though they'll be about six weeks but they will be here in time for your fitting. Do you want us to keep the dress here and wait for your shoes or take the dress and collect the shoes later?"
"Mm can I collect the dress anyway?"
"Course you can. I'll have it ready".
"Thanks Louise". Next I made a phone call to Louise the mobile seamstress Celebrations recommend to have a chat about my dress alterations. It definitely needs shortening cos I am a short arse at five foot three....and it needs taking in at the bust cos my boobs aren't as big now I've lost weight. A very friendly women answered I explained who I was. Then I told her my wedding date and that I was starting chemo so I wasn't sure what was gonna happen re my weight and asked what she recommended I do about alterations.
"Well what I do in special situations like yours is wait until a week before the wedding, come down and do a fitting with you take the dress away and have it back to you two days before your wedding. Is that okay?"
"Oh that would be fantastic thanks"
"Right then lets get you booked in. I just need to put you in my diary for next year, whats your name again?" So I now have a fitting for my wedding dress on the 7th January at 1pm. All I have to do is remember so I'm relying on whoever is reading this to give me a nudge and remind me because I will forget!!
About forty minutes later I walked into my mum and dads... the physio was there to discuss my mum and any help she might need. So i left them too it and plugged in the laptop so I could have a look at the email Simon had sent me (Simon is designing my wedding invites). Unfortunately I couldn't to connect to the wifi so that was a non starter I didn't want to interrupt and ask for the network key. So I connected myself with looking through my budget and staring at the one on my desktop that I'd saved earlier... .it looked really nice....
"When can we go for the dress?"
"Well go now if you want take your mum and we'll go for lunch when you get back".
"Okay great".
We parked in the Carpenters Arms car park and headed for celebrations via the wellgate centre. As we passed La Femme I waved to Debbie through the window and she beckoned us in.
"Let me see your ring?"
"Oh Loraine its beautiful, look at all the detail.. oh its great what a great choice he made".
"I know and how much was I worrying about his choice"
"Oh Marlene you should have heard her she was worried sick. Don't you look well" Debbie said turning to my mum.
"I'm feeling better"
"You look amazing"
"Thank you. I just need to get rid of my wrinkles" Then mum turned to me."Shall we book in and we can use our vouchers?"
"Yes why not lets get our nails done" Mum still has vouchers for the beauticians left from Mothers day cos she's not been well enough to use them. And I have £70 worth from my birthday.
"When can you fit us both in?"
"Only time I can do you together would be next Thursday at 3pm, is that okay?"
"Yep that's great I don't have a hospital visit that day so it should work out okay. Can you put it on a card I'll write it down in my diary when I get in".
"Yep there you go. Now I must get back to my lady I'm running really late now".
"No problem see you later"
"Bye Debbie".
"Hiya Louise"
"Hi, here it is all ready for you" Louise hooked my dress open and opened it to show us.
"Fantastic thanks".
"Your shoes will probably be about eight weeks okay?"
"Yep brilliant there you go" I handed her the cash.
"Right let me get you some change". She disappeared and came back with my money. "I'll ring you as soon as your shoes come in. Did you ring Louise?"
"Yes she's going to do a fitting the week before and work on my dress all week"
"I told you she'd work round you and she's really good." Louise told me. "Did you say it was Jane that recommended us to you?"
"Yes that's right Jane at Woodkirk Valley country club"
"Okay I was going to text and ask you cos we want to send her a thank you she's recommended a few people lately. Anyway I'll ring you about your shoes and good luck with the passport office".
"Oh we've given up Lee's gonna go to the British embassy and ask for a document to allow him to fly back... he should be here in two weeks. With any luck he'll be here for the start of my treatment".
"Oh I hope so that'll be nice for you".
"Yes me too", so we said our goodbyes and left the store. Anyone getting married go to Celebrations you really get the personal touch.. fantastic all of them can't recommend them enough!!
So its been a busy day all in all. I've even rang Tax Credits told them my change in circumstances as Logan has now moved in with his dad and obviously I'm on sick and doubt I will ever return to work.They were really helpful first time ever and I actually don't think I'll be much worse off because my income will drop £3,000 this year because shortly I'll go onto half pay followed by just SSP. So my working tax credit will increase. What I loose in Child tax I should make up for in working tax.. there is a god after all.... There is one thing good about this dying lark... you are always better off financially whilst you are terminal... .not the best way to get money.... but I've had sod all from the government and I've worked every day since I was sixteen so I figured its time for a bit of pay back!! My last days on this earth may be dogged with that terrible thing that is cancer... but you know what I'm gonna make damned sure I enjoy everyone of them and with my family and friends and Lee with me I know that's exactly what I'm gonna do!!
Night all sleep well talk to you tomorrow xx
Wednesday, 12 October 2011
Wednesday 12th October - The dress!!!
I woke to the sound of my alarm at ten am, I actually slept pretty well last night. Today is wedding dress day going shopping with mum or Lorna.
I'm in a lot of pain today stomach, back lower groin area you name it, it hurts.... not had this much pain for a while so I've crawled out of bed and down the seven tablets i'm due with a glass of water... i'm suprised i'm not rattling. I'm currently on 40mg zomorph (morphine two tablets) anti sickness (one tablet) erythmicin for an infection i have (two tablets) paracetamol (two tablets) three times a day and then nine tablets before bed which consits of all of the above along with two antihistimines to prevent the itching caused by the morphine.... then i have oramorph ( liquid morphine) twice a day for break through pain its wonderful. I've taken some oramorph now too cos its agony.. it kicks in quicker!!
"I'm in agony mum so I'm gonna give myself time to come round, wait for the postman... and then i'll be down okay?"
"You sure you still want to go?"
"Positive, just give me time to come round"
"Okay lornas at docs at eleven thirty so if i tell her to come down to me after doctors and we'll see you here okay?"
"Yep thats fine".
Post arrives... still nothing from passport office for Lee, his passports run out i've got them to send new one to me as they keep ballsing up in cyprus ... pretty sure its illegal cos he's not living with me yet but he will be when he gets here... he's british after all he just cant sort it at that end cos they keep doing his photos wrong....(but i'm sure as you are all friends you won't grass me up).
No passport.... lee needs to be in country by 20th november as we are due at registry office for our interview... at this rate its not gonna happen.
Knock on door as i'm getting ready....
"Our electrics gone could you boil your kettle and give me some hot water?" Michael asks from next door.
"I can but it will take ages i have a stove top kettle not an electric one... i'm going out soon but i can wait for it to boil"
"Okay be back in ten then" michael tells me I put kettle on and shut the door.
Just on phone to mum to tell her won't be long and door goes again... Michael with his kettle in his hand
"Can you boil this one?"
"Yep but you need to do something for me"
"What?"
"Ring passport office pretend to be Lee and ask where your renewal is?"
"okay no problem" so i give michael lees name, date of birth, address, receipt number to chase it up and he rings them for me.
"I'm ringing to find out where my new passport is" and he reads them the info they want....I know its not good but what else can i do?
"No its not lost or stolen its a renewal" Michael looks at me for confirmation and i nod and point out checklist on receipt from post office to say passport photos included....
"But why when its a renewal?" He queries.
"Em yes we're going on holiday next year, okay thanks. I'll ring you back".
"Well?"
"Its been processed as a lost passport won't be through til the end of the month" Michael tells me.
"But his old one was sent with the application"
"Thats what they asked me to check"
"Yep it was definitely with it they did it at post office"
"Well its been done as lost so it won't be here til end of the month".
"Okay thanks Michael I'm gonna go complain at post office i want my money back" .... Michael leaves I'm pissed off.... I did renewal check and send at post office they've obviously done it wrong... I ring my mum and tell her and she agrees get a refund of the charge.
"I'll be down in five minutes" I tell her and put phone down... then bin men turn up .... oh for fucks sake.....
"Hiya sorry bin men blocked me in you both ready?"
"Yep where we going first?"
"I'm off to post office to kick off about lee's passport then we can go to celebrations and look at dresses there? That okay with you?"
"Yep no worries"
So we get in car and head to town.
"I want a refund of the fee cos you've done it wrong!"
"What do you mean?"
"My partner is in scotland (slight lie actually in cyprus and cant get home) I brought in his application along with old passport and photos and did your check and send service... here's the receipt see you've ticked passport photos forms included?" She looks and nods. "RIght Lee has rang them (slight lie it was michael pretending to be lee) they've processed it as a lost passport. I want to know why?"
"Okay let me look into this" she goes away checks paperwork receipt etc speaks to boss and comes back. "I'm gonna ring them for you we processed it as a renewal its a different form for a lost one so we've done it correctly and it shows passport photos etc were sent with application so i don't get it... let me ring them"... so she does and i hear pretty much all the conversation. "They won't talk to me he needs to ring them again..... (ha doubt michael will ring again for me) but they agreed its a different form for a lost passport so they don't understand it either."
"You don't understand we are going away first week in november.. this could be my last holiday I'm terminally ill... i don't have insurance i can't get money back on the holiday..." (god forgive me for all these lies but they are necessary to get to the end).
"Oh I am so sorry... all i can do though is tell you to get him to ring them"
"Okay well i appreciate your help but I will be back to see yvonne who processed the application tomorrow there has to be something you can do. I want a refund"
"Okay let me check how we do that" she goes into the back and comes out again five minutes later.
"To get a refund you need to ring passport office as its their fee that we charge you"
"Okay no problems I'll do that" so i leave post office and ring passport office from my mobile I explain the situation tell the guy i don't want info just want to know how to claim a refund.
"The post office have a number they ring to check passport with us and to authorise a refund"
"Okay thats not what she said she said i have to ring you."
"Well i cant talk to you and i cant do a refund for you."
"My partner rang you you have told him you processed his application as a lost passport it should be a renewal its a different form for a lost one..."
"Thats true give me the details for lee" so i give him the info his date of birth app no everything.
"Well as i said i cant tell you anything what passport was sent in?"
"A ten year one that ran out in 2009"
"Are you sure it was with the application"
"I gave it to post office they processed it with the application through their check and send service"
"Okay I cant tell you anything but you need to check if the passport was sent"
"So basically the post office haven't sent the passport... so where is it?" Tomorrow i am going back for answers!! Not happy!!
Anyway less of the illegal stuff going on in my life....
"Bridal shop first?" Lorna and my mum nod and we head to celebrations bridal shop.
"Hi can i help?"
"Yep i'm getting married on 14th january I need a dress"
"Okay what sort of price range?"
"Less than five hundred "
"Okay sale rails and off the peg items are here any idea what you are looking for?"
"Nothing fussy a line or straight skirt something simple but glam. Oh and I have a stoma bag so need a dress that will hide it fairly well".
"No problem let me find some for you take some measurements and we will find you the perfect dress".
"Well what do you think?" I emerged from behind the curtain with Louise's help.
"Oh thats fabulous... that is the one you look gorgeous its excellent definately that one"
"I love it"
I tried on four other dresses but nothing touched the first one... so shoes deposit and £50 lighter for the deposit I have my dress and its fabulous... I look gorgeous I'm gonna have the wedding of my dreams and I am marrying the best guy ever!!!
I'm in a lot of pain today stomach, back lower groin area you name it, it hurts.... not had this much pain for a while so I've crawled out of bed and down the seven tablets i'm due with a glass of water... i'm suprised i'm not rattling. I'm currently on 40mg zomorph (morphine two tablets) anti sickness (one tablet) erythmicin for an infection i have (two tablets) paracetamol (two tablets) three times a day and then nine tablets before bed which consits of all of the above along with two antihistimines to prevent the itching caused by the morphine.... then i have oramorph ( liquid morphine) twice a day for break through pain its wonderful. I've taken some oramorph now too cos its agony.. it kicks in quicker!!
"I'm in agony mum so I'm gonna give myself time to come round, wait for the postman... and then i'll be down okay?"
"You sure you still want to go?"
"Positive, just give me time to come round"
"Okay lornas at docs at eleven thirty so if i tell her to come down to me after doctors and we'll see you here okay?"
"Yep thats fine".
Post arrives... still nothing from passport office for Lee, his passports run out i've got them to send new one to me as they keep ballsing up in cyprus ... pretty sure its illegal cos he's not living with me yet but he will be when he gets here... he's british after all he just cant sort it at that end cos they keep doing his photos wrong....(but i'm sure as you are all friends you won't grass me up).
No passport.... lee needs to be in country by 20th november as we are due at registry office for our interview... at this rate its not gonna happen.
Knock on door as i'm getting ready....
"Our electrics gone could you boil your kettle and give me some hot water?" Michael asks from next door.
"I can but it will take ages i have a stove top kettle not an electric one... i'm going out soon but i can wait for it to boil"
"Okay be back in ten then" michael tells me I put kettle on and shut the door.
Just on phone to mum to tell her won't be long and door goes again... Michael with his kettle in his hand
"Can you boil this one?"
"Yep but you need to do something for me"
"What?"
"Ring passport office pretend to be Lee and ask where your renewal is?"
"okay no problem" so i give michael lees name, date of birth, address, receipt number to chase it up and he rings them for me.
"I'm ringing to find out where my new passport is" and he reads them the info they want....I know its not good but what else can i do?
"No its not lost or stolen its a renewal" Michael looks at me for confirmation and i nod and point out checklist on receipt from post office to say passport photos included....
"But why when its a renewal?" He queries.
"Em yes we're going on holiday next year, okay thanks. I'll ring you back".
"Well?"
"Its been processed as a lost passport won't be through til the end of the month" Michael tells me.
"But his old one was sent with the application"
"Thats what they asked me to check"
"Yep it was definitely with it they did it at post office"
"Well its been done as lost so it won't be here til end of the month".
"Okay thanks Michael I'm gonna go complain at post office i want my money back" .... Michael leaves I'm pissed off.... I did renewal check and send at post office they've obviously done it wrong... I ring my mum and tell her and she agrees get a refund of the charge.
"I'll be down in five minutes" I tell her and put phone down... then bin men turn up .... oh for fucks sake.....
"Hiya sorry bin men blocked me in you both ready?"
"Yep where we going first?"
"I'm off to post office to kick off about lee's passport then we can go to celebrations and look at dresses there? That okay with you?"
"Yep no worries"
So we get in car and head to town.
"I want a refund of the fee cos you've done it wrong!"
"What do you mean?"
"My partner is in scotland (slight lie actually in cyprus and cant get home) I brought in his application along with old passport and photos and did your check and send service... here's the receipt see you've ticked passport photos forms included?" She looks and nods. "RIght Lee has rang them (slight lie it was michael pretending to be lee) they've processed it as a lost passport. I want to know why?"
"Okay let me look into this" she goes away checks paperwork receipt etc speaks to boss and comes back. "I'm gonna ring them for you we processed it as a renewal its a different form for a lost one so we've done it correctly and it shows passport photos etc were sent with application so i don't get it... let me ring them"... so she does and i hear pretty much all the conversation. "They won't talk to me he needs to ring them again..... (ha doubt michael will ring again for me) but they agreed its a different form for a lost passport so they don't understand it either."
"You don't understand we are going away first week in november.. this could be my last holiday I'm terminally ill... i don't have insurance i can't get money back on the holiday..." (god forgive me for all these lies but they are necessary to get to the end).
"Oh I am so sorry... all i can do though is tell you to get him to ring them"
"Okay well i appreciate your help but I will be back to see yvonne who processed the application tomorrow there has to be something you can do. I want a refund"
"Okay let me check how we do that" she goes into the back and comes out again five minutes later.
"To get a refund you need to ring passport office as its their fee that we charge you"
"Okay no problems I'll do that" so i leave post office and ring passport office from my mobile I explain the situation tell the guy i don't want info just want to know how to claim a refund.
"The post office have a number they ring to check passport with us and to authorise a refund"
"Okay thats not what she said she said i have to ring you."
"Well i cant talk to you and i cant do a refund for you."
"My partner rang you you have told him you processed his application as a lost passport it should be a renewal its a different form for a lost one..."
"Thats true give me the details for lee" so i give him the info his date of birth app no everything.
"Well as i said i cant tell you anything what passport was sent in?"
"A ten year one that ran out in 2009"
"Are you sure it was with the application"
"I gave it to post office they processed it with the application through their check and send service"
"Okay I cant tell you anything but you need to check if the passport was sent"
"So basically the post office haven't sent the passport... so where is it?" Tomorrow i am going back for answers!! Not happy!!
Anyway less of the illegal stuff going on in my life....
"Bridal shop first?" Lorna and my mum nod and we head to celebrations bridal shop.
"Hi can i help?"
"Yep i'm getting married on 14th january I need a dress"
"Okay what sort of price range?"
"Less than five hundred "
"Okay sale rails and off the peg items are here any idea what you are looking for?"
"Nothing fussy a line or straight skirt something simple but glam. Oh and I have a stoma bag so need a dress that will hide it fairly well".
"No problem let me find some for you take some measurements and we will find you the perfect dress".
"Well what do you think?" I emerged from behind the curtain with Louise's help.
"Oh thats fabulous... that is the one you look gorgeous its excellent definately that one"
"I love it"
I tried on four other dresses but nothing touched the first one... so shoes deposit and £50 lighter for the deposit I have my dress and its fabulous... I look gorgeous I'm gonna have the wedding of my dreams and I am marrying the best guy ever!!!
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Tuesday 11th October - D-Day!!
Sue arrived last night. Its four am I'm wide awake and she's snoring in the next room... I wish I could sleep I really do, instead I'm awake cross legged on my bed writing this blog whilst my stomach does somersaults. I feel sick... I'm shaking...in general I feel like shit!!! I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been as terrified in my life!!!
Right so I've had a shower, drunk three cups of tea and had a smoothie and the alarm is about to go off NOW.... six thirty. Now its time to get up... god I'm knackered.
"Sue... time go get up" she mumbles something incoherent. "Tea or coffee??"
"Either" so I head downstairs and pour her a cup of tea hands still shaking.... I feel like shit!! I head back upstairs a cup of tea for Sue and one for me. "Its nearly quarter too Sue"
"Okay okay I'm up" she tells me as I put the tea at the side of her. Then I head to my room to get dressed.
"Are you sure we're gonna make it?"
"Yes don't worry it looks busy but its moving traffic it only takes half an hour we'll be fine"
"MM okay I'm panicking the last thing I need is to be late. Its nearly eight now my appointments at half past.... we were only one junction up the motorway.!!!
"How you feeling??"
"Don't ask! Shit!" I reply.
At twenty eight minutes past we pulled into the car park...
"We only have two minutes to get there" I tell Sue.
"Its fine, it'll be fine stop worrying".
"We walk onto the day case unit at eight thirty five"
"Take a seat" the receptionist tells us... totally unconcerned!!
At quarter to nine they come to get me "Loraine Mooney" Sue's wittering about needing a plaster for her finger that she burnt yesterday.... she's been on about it all morning I've been pretending not to listen. Fact is I don't have a plaster even if she wants one and its only a small teeny weeny burn ,..nothing to be proud of!!
"I'm Lisa I'll be looking after you today" she showed me into a ward and over to the far window with a lovely recliner chair... dead comfy actually I thought as I sat down.... bliss wish i had one of these at home!!
"Right Loraine first thing I'll do is to explain to you that I won't tell you everything today because I don't want to get you too bogged down in information. I'll talk you through what I do as I'm doing it and if you have any questions just ask..."
"Okay fine"
"Right so first thing we need to do is get a cannula in and then we will put up your drip and start the cistplatin first followed by the gemcitabine..."
"Okay.. first question... I have a urostomy bag if I need to empty it will I just take the drip with me?"
"Yep that's fine"
"Okay and obviously depending on where the cannula goes I may have a problem undoing my bag and emptying it as it takes two hands"
"Well there's plenty of us around to help if you need a hand, don't worry".
"Okay. Right lets have a look at your hands"
"I don't have any veins" I forewarned her.
"Right lets have a look" she had a good nosey.... "mm i see what you mean. We'll get you some warm water you can soak your hands in it and we'll see if we can get your veins to come to the surface okay?"
"okay"
"I'm going to get a colleague to come and have a look Loraine cos I just can't find one".
"okay" I nodded.
"Hi Loraine, my names Fiona, lets have a look shall we" she examined my hands. "Right lets get your hands in some warm water again and see what we have".
More water and ten minutes later....
"This is going to hurt its your wrist I'm afraid and its really sensitive there". Hurt was not the word.. you know when you jar your elbow or hit your knee in a certain spot and it sends a rickashay feeling through your nerve endings well I got instant pins and needles in my fingers and thumb and I nearly hit the roof with the pain... pain was not the word... I would rather have given birth again!! I nearly hit the roof and then the tears came!!! This was followed by an attempt in my other wrist, one in the crease of my arm. "Nope I think we're going to need a permanent hick line putting in I'm going to have a word with Alison the nurse that does them Loraine, okay?" I nodded tears streaming down my face.
Alison couldn't get me in to have the permanent line put in today as I hadn't had the blood clotting test done (which they had explained needs to be done seven days before the line gets put in), so she came to see if she could find a vein.... two attempts later she gave up.
"I'm really sorry. We'll get you booked in for a central line Loraine it'll be the 24th October which means Chemo will start on 25th, okay" I nodded numbly.
"Its just so frustrating I told her when i dried my eyes and composed myself... I've been telling the doctors since they said it was intravenous chemo that I have bad veins... they all poo pooed me none of them took me seriously and now here we are. And yet another two week delay I'm really really fed up!!"
"I'm really sorry Loraine they should have listened to you"
"I know".
We left st james's at around twelve with an appointment for my bloods doing next Wednesday and then an appointment at nine on the 24th and transport booked to have my line put in, (I'm having a local anesthetic so they won't let me drive home)!!
I've done my kicking and screaming still seething secretly but there's nothing I can do about it onwards and upwards til the 24th I guess.... Wedding plans here I come!!!
Right so I've had a shower, drunk three cups of tea and had a smoothie and the alarm is about to go off NOW.... six thirty. Now its time to get up... god I'm knackered.
"Sue... time go get up" she mumbles something incoherent. "Tea or coffee??"
"Either" so I head downstairs and pour her a cup of tea hands still shaking.... I feel like shit!! I head back upstairs a cup of tea for Sue and one for me. "Its nearly quarter too Sue"
"Okay okay I'm up" she tells me as I put the tea at the side of her. Then I head to my room to get dressed.
"Are you sure we're gonna make it?"
"Yes don't worry it looks busy but its moving traffic it only takes half an hour we'll be fine"
"MM okay I'm panicking the last thing I need is to be late. Its nearly eight now my appointments at half past.... we were only one junction up the motorway.!!!
"How you feeling??"
"Don't ask! Shit!" I reply.
At twenty eight minutes past we pulled into the car park...
"We only have two minutes to get there" I tell Sue.
"Its fine, it'll be fine stop worrying".
"We walk onto the day case unit at eight thirty five"
"Take a seat" the receptionist tells us... totally unconcerned!!
At quarter to nine they come to get me "Loraine Mooney" Sue's wittering about needing a plaster for her finger that she burnt yesterday.... she's been on about it all morning I've been pretending not to listen. Fact is I don't have a plaster even if she wants one and its only a small teeny weeny burn ,..nothing to be proud of!!
"I'm Lisa I'll be looking after you today" she showed me into a ward and over to the far window with a lovely recliner chair... dead comfy actually I thought as I sat down.... bliss wish i had one of these at home!!
"Right Loraine first thing I'll do is to explain to you that I won't tell you everything today because I don't want to get you too bogged down in information. I'll talk you through what I do as I'm doing it and if you have any questions just ask..."
"Okay fine"
"Right so first thing we need to do is get a cannula in and then we will put up your drip and start the cistplatin first followed by the gemcitabine..."
"Okay.. first question... I have a urostomy bag if I need to empty it will I just take the drip with me?"
"Yep that's fine"
"Okay and obviously depending on where the cannula goes I may have a problem undoing my bag and emptying it as it takes two hands"
"Well there's plenty of us around to help if you need a hand, don't worry".
"Okay. Right lets have a look at your hands"
"I don't have any veins" I forewarned her.
"Right lets have a look" she had a good nosey.... "mm i see what you mean. We'll get you some warm water you can soak your hands in it and we'll see if we can get your veins to come to the surface okay?"
"okay"
"I'm going to get a colleague to come and have a look Loraine cos I just can't find one".
"okay" I nodded.
"Hi Loraine, my names Fiona, lets have a look shall we" she examined my hands. "Right lets get your hands in some warm water again and see what we have".
More water and ten minutes later....
"This is going to hurt its your wrist I'm afraid and its really sensitive there". Hurt was not the word.. you know when you jar your elbow or hit your knee in a certain spot and it sends a rickashay feeling through your nerve endings well I got instant pins and needles in my fingers and thumb and I nearly hit the roof with the pain... pain was not the word... I would rather have given birth again!! I nearly hit the roof and then the tears came!!! This was followed by an attempt in my other wrist, one in the crease of my arm. "Nope I think we're going to need a permanent hick line putting in I'm going to have a word with Alison the nurse that does them Loraine, okay?" I nodded tears streaming down my face.
Alison couldn't get me in to have the permanent line put in today as I hadn't had the blood clotting test done (which they had explained needs to be done seven days before the line gets put in), so she came to see if she could find a vein.... two attempts later she gave up.
"I'm really sorry. We'll get you booked in for a central line Loraine it'll be the 24th October which means Chemo will start on 25th, okay" I nodded numbly.
"Its just so frustrating I told her when i dried my eyes and composed myself... I've been telling the doctors since they said it was intravenous chemo that I have bad veins... they all poo pooed me none of them took me seriously and now here we are. And yet another two week delay I'm really really fed up!!"
"I'm really sorry Loraine they should have listened to you"
"I know".
We left st james's at around twelve with an appointment for my bloods doing next Wednesday and then an appointment at nine on the 24th and transport booked to have my line put in, (I'm having a local anesthetic so they won't let me drive home)!!
I've done my kicking and screaming still seething secretly but there's nothing I can do about it onwards and upwards til the 24th I guess.... Wedding plans here I come!!!
Monday 10th October - Hair, what hair?
I haven't slept again and woke early to get ready for hospital... well actually I was woken by a wet patch, my bag had leaked again!!
This is the only problem with Urostomy bags, sometimes.. they move, or lift during the night depending on how restless a sleeper you are... with me this tends to be happening far too often and I keep say I'm gonna get in touch with a stoma nurse... but I haven't.
"Shit, shit, shit" it was five am and here i was hopping on one leg trying hard not to fall over my night bag whilst trying to secure the stoma bag to me with the other hand so I wasn't getting too wet... and failing at it miserably....in the end at five fifteen I was having a shower trying to wash the smell of old women off me!! I still think I stink of wee all the time and am constantly asking close friends if I do... they all say no but I do wonder if that's just out of politeness... I can smell it... well... i think I can!
It seemed pretty pointless going back to bed so after the shower I got dressed and went down and put on the kettle all I have to do now is wait an eternity for it to bloody boil! I have a whistling kettle you see.... yes one of the old fashioned ones... The dick...(Dave the ex) decided whilst showing off one day on a shopping trip that he would buy me a kettle and a new coffee maker. Kettle purchased from Le Creuset to be posh, followed by a coffee maker from Gaggia... I sold the coffee maker ages ago! The kettle is still here and I do intend to get rid sooner now rather than later cos I'm sick of waiting for it to boil. Problem is you see... I'm a matching freak. Everything has to match.... all the accessories in my kitchen are currently country cream. Toaster, tea, coffee, sugar, plates, bowls, etc. So I need a cream kettle an electric one that doesn't take an eternity to boil like the one from Le Creuset!! Yes it was expensive and it looks nice but when you want a quick cuppa I'm quicker driving to my mums and waiting for her to put the kettle on!!! So another thing on my bucket list is a cream electric kettle preferably by Morphy Richards in cream and silver to match the toaster... and I will get round to buying one before i die!!
Krystyna got stuck in traffic on the way to pick me up so when she arrived it was just knocking on for ten. We headed to the petrol station first but she refused to take any money off me for petrol. I will make her before the month is out!
We got to the hospital for about twenty to eleven.. this time I had no idea where I was going so I asked at reception. Fifth door on your left the receptionist told me.
So we headed for the fifth door on the left, booked in and were then told to proceed to waiting area three... which was next to the reception we'd just come from.... there is something very wrong with walking aimlessly up and down corridors... it just doesn't sit right. So we sat in waiting area three and Krystyna told me about Leah her eldest who's nineteen and we compared notes about her and my eldest Jenna who's twenty. Conclusion... all older girls...(or perhaps first born children in general) lie through their teeth about everything, eat crap junk food all day long, sleep a lot and are the messiest creatures on earth!!! All fifteen year old boys...(or second born children possibly) Krystyna has Joel and I have Logan, are straight A students, very neat and tidy and hate cuddles from their mum in public cos it ruins their street cred... and are tidy ... in their own spaces!!! Weird!!
"Loraine Mooney"
"Yep that's me" I jumped up.
"Can I come?" Krystyna asked.
"Are you a relative?"
"No just a friend"
"Well if Loraine wants you here then you're welcome". We followed the nurse down to the pre-assessment room.
"Right Loraine I have to go through a series of questions first, then we'll talk you through you're treatment and whats going to happen tomorrow and answer any questions you have".
"Okay fine".
"So have you had any previous surgeries anything like that before now?"
"Where do you want me to start? I suppose most relevant" I said answering my own question. "Okay last year. I was diagnosed with a squamous cell carcinoma of the bladder which led to a radical cystectomy so i have a urostomy bag, they also did a hysterectomy..."
"Was that cos of spread?" the nurse asked.
"Yes it spread to my cervix, small bowel and lymph nodes whilst I was waiting for the cystectomy to be done so I had a partial bowel dissection and lymph nodes around my bowel and bladder were removed.."
"Ah so you've had chemo before then"
"Nope I couldn't have any. Until now"
"Right..." she looked puzzled. "Its palliative care only" I told her. "Not a cure.."
"Well you seem to be handling it quite well Loraine"
"I don't have much option do I?" I replied. "Its get on with it or give in... and I have too much to do to give in just yet!"
"Good that's what I like to hear", the nurse smiled.
"Lets talk you through your chemotherapy" she told me and smiled. I took it in this time.. according to her I would have treatment day one, day eight, and day fifteen and then a week off.
"I have crap veins" I told her... but whether I was heard or not she didn't say anything.
"So whilst you're having chemotherapy I do have to advise you if you or your partner are intimate he needs to wear a condom"
"Oh right... why's that then?"
"Because the symptoms can be transferred from the chemotherapy so there's a chance he could suffer the effects of chemotherapy... i.e. loose his hair. I laughed and Krystyna laughed.... she knew what I was thinking before I said it.
"God that would be so funny if we woke up and all his hair was on the bed" I screamed with laughter and Krystyna followed.
"Ha well I did tell you" the nurse Lizzy smiled and I grinned.
"No its fine I will tell him... but god that would be so tempting to someone you really hated wouldn't it....?" I grinned at Krystyna and she grinned back we both knew I was thinking about an ex of mine... he so deserved it.. lol.
"I just need to check your weight and height again next Loraine, so we know how much chemo to give you" she took me over and weighed me.
"Right I'm pretty much all done have you got any questions"
"Will I loose weight?"
"Not necessarily you may do but some patients put it on"
"Oh no really?" I grimaced. "I thought there would be at least one plus point in all this ... i.e. weight loss!!"
"Well if you're poorly i.e. have the sickness and diarrhea symptoms all the time then the chances are you will loose weight but you'll feel pretty poorly so its weighing it up really. I mean which would you rather feel really poorly and loose weight or feel okay and perhaps put it on?"
"Feel poorly and loose it" I told her grinning. She laughed.
"Get out of here!" she grinned. "Go get your bloods done then you can go!"
"Ha ha okay see you next time!" We left me giggling to the blood room. Suprisingly she got my blood first time.. there was hope for me yet!!! Onwards and upwards chemo tomorrow!!!
This is the only problem with Urostomy bags, sometimes.. they move, or lift during the night depending on how restless a sleeper you are... with me this tends to be happening far too often and I keep say I'm gonna get in touch with a stoma nurse... but I haven't.
"Shit, shit, shit" it was five am and here i was hopping on one leg trying hard not to fall over my night bag whilst trying to secure the stoma bag to me with the other hand so I wasn't getting too wet... and failing at it miserably....in the end at five fifteen I was having a shower trying to wash the smell of old women off me!! I still think I stink of wee all the time and am constantly asking close friends if I do... they all say no but I do wonder if that's just out of politeness... I can smell it... well... i think I can!
It seemed pretty pointless going back to bed so after the shower I got dressed and went down and put on the kettle all I have to do now is wait an eternity for it to bloody boil! I have a whistling kettle you see.... yes one of the old fashioned ones... The dick...(Dave the ex) decided whilst showing off one day on a shopping trip that he would buy me a kettle and a new coffee maker. Kettle purchased from Le Creuset to be posh, followed by a coffee maker from Gaggia... I sold the coffee maker ages ago! The kettle is still here and I do intend to get rid sooner now rather than later cos I'm sick of waiting for it to boil. Problem is you see... I'm a matching freak. Everything has to match.... all the accessories in my kitchen are currently country cream. Toaster, tea, coffee, sugar, plates, bowls, etc. So I need a cream kettle an electric one that doesn't take an eternity to boil like the one from Le Creuset!! Yes it was expensive and it looks nice but when you want a quick cuppa I'm quicker driving to my mums and waiting for her to put the kettle on!!! So another thing on my bucket list is a cream electric kettle preferably by Morphy Richards in cream and silver to match the toaster... and I will get round to buying one before i die!!
Krystyna got stuck in traffic on the way to pick me up so when she arrived it was just knocking on for ten. We headed to the petrol station first but she refused to take any money off me for petrol. I will make her before the month is out!
We got to the hospital for about twenty to eleven.. this time I had no idea where I was going so I asked at reception. Fifth door on your left the receptionist told me.
So we headed for the fifth door on the left, booked in and were then told to proceed to waiting area three... which was next to the reception we'd just come from.... there is something very wrong with walking aimlessly up and down corridors... it just doesn't sit right. So we sat in waiting area three and Krystyna told me about Leah her eldest who's nineteen and we compared notes about her and my eldest Jenna who's twenty. Conclusion... all older girls...(or perhaps first born children in general) lie through their teeth about everything, eat crap junk food all day long, sleep a lot and are the messiest creatures on earth!!! All fifteen year old boys...(or second born children possibly) Krystyna has Joel and I have Logan, are straight A students, very neat and tidy and hate cuddles from their mum in public cos it ruins their street cred... and are tidy ... in their own spaces!!! Weird!!
"Loraine Mooney"
"Yep that's me" I jumped up.
"Can I come?" Krystyna asked.
"Are you a relative?"
"No just a friend"
"Well if Loraine wants you here then you're welcome". We followed the nurse down to the pre-assessment room.
"Right Loraine I have to go through a series of questions first, then we'll talk you through you're treatment and whats going to happen tomorrow and answer any questions you have".
"Okay fine".
"So have you had any previous surgeries anything like that before now?"
"Where do you want me to start? I suppose most relevant" I said answering my own question. "Okay last year. I was diagnosed with a squamous cell carcinoma of the bladder which led to a radical cystectomy so i have a urostomy bag, they also did a hysterectomy..."
"Was that cos of spread?" the nurse asked.
"Yes it spread to my cervix, small bowel and lymph nodes whilst I was waiting for the cystectomy to be done so I had a partial bowel dissection and lymph nodes around my bowel and bladder were removed.."
"Ah so you've had chemo before then"
"Nope I couldn't have any. Until now"
"Right..." she looked puzzled. "Its palliative care only" I told her. "Not a cure.."
"Well you seem to be handling it quite well Loraine"
"I don't have much option do I?" I replied. "Its get on with it or give in... and I have too much to do to give in just yet!"
"Good that's what I like to hear", the nurse smiled.
"Lets talk you through your chemotherapy" she told me and smiled. I took it in this time.. according to her I would have treatment day one, day eight, and day fifteen and then a week off.
"I have crap veins" I told her... but whether I was heard or not she didn't say anything.
"So whilst you're having chemotherapy I do have to advise you if you or your partner are intimate he needs to wear a condom"
"Oh right... why's that then?"
"Because the symptoms can be transferred from the chemotherapy so there's a chance he could suffer the effects of chemotherapy... i.e. loose his hair. I laughed and Krystyna laughed.... she knew what I was thinking before I said it.
"God that would be so funny if we woke up and all his hair was on the bed" I screamed with laughter and Krystyna followed.
"Ha well I did tell you" the nurse Lizzy smiled and I grinned.
"No its fine I will tell him... but god that would be so tempting to someone you really hated wouldn't it....?" I grinned at Krystyna and she grinned back we both knew I was thinking about an ex of mine... he so deserved it.. lol.
"I just need to check your weight and height again next Loraine, so we know how much chemo to give you" she took me over and weighed me.
"Right I'm pretty much all done have you got any questions"
"Will I loose weight?"
"Not necessarily you may do but some patients put it on"
"Oh no really?" I grimaced. "I thought there would be at least one plus point in all this ... i.e. weight loss!!"
"Well if you're poorly i.e. have the sickness and diarrhea symptoms all the time then the chances are you will loose weight but you'll feel pretty poorly so its weighing it up really. I mean which would you rather feel really poorly and loose weight or feel okay and perhaps put it on?"
"Feel poorly and loose it" I told her grinning. She laughed.
"Get out of here!" she grinned. "Go get your bloods done then you can go!"
"Ha ha okay see you next time!" We left me giggling to the blood room. Suprisingly she got my blood first time.. there was hope for me yet!!! Onwards and upwards chemo tomorrow!!!
October 7th - Renal tests bring it on!!
"You ready?"
"Yes love off we go" Sue smiled coming out the door. Now don't get confused.... there is Sue i.e. Missy moo Copeman who lives the other side of Bingley. Then there is the other Sue who lives opposite me who came to Cyprus with me in April when I first met Lee.
"I'm dreading this" I sighed as I drove out the grove Sue in the passenger seat. "Its more blood tests and its gonna be hunt the vein again!!"
"You don't know that be positive".
"Loosing my ability to be positive these days" I told her... "I've got shit veins... chemo is gonna be interesting they'll never get it through a vein cos all they do is pop".
We arrived at nine thirty and for the first time ever got a parking space straight away then it was straight up to Nuclear medicine to begin the testing. I was sat in the waiting room when someone came out of a corridor and said
"Loraine, I thought it was you... I saw the name and thought I must go see if its the same one..." It was one of the women from weightwatchers and I feel really rotten cos I don't know her name ... I do its on the tip of my tongue.... but ... nope its gone. She's lovely chatted to me as I sat in the waiting room with Sue. Asked all about my illness and about Lee.
"Oh I'm so sorry Loraine" she looked genuinely sad when i told her about it being pallitive care treatment only.
"But there is some good news... I'm getting married... I met Lee in Cyprus"
"Well show us a photo then"
"Yep I have one on my phone... hang on a sec" I pulled up the photo on my phone.
"Oh he looks nice"
"He is... from Grimsby" I told her. "Only I can go all the way to Cyprus and meet a Yorkshire lad ha ha" we laughed.
"Are you okay if I tell Jean I've seen you?" I smiled. (Jean was our leader of weight watchers meetings.
"Yeah course you can I have her email I think she still has mine. Tell her I will keep in touch I'll send her a link to my blog she can follow my progress and pass it on to you".
"Its been lovely seeing you Loraine"
"Its been nice to see you too". She gave me a hug.
"Good luck for the future"
"Thanks".
"Loraine Mooney" a voice called.
"Yep that's me" I got up to follow the young girl that had come to get me.
"Shall I come or stay"
"We won't be long you can wait here" the girl told her.
"Ah okay see you in a minute"... I told Sue and smiled and she sat down. I was shown into a room.
"Right what we do today is inject you with some radioactive dye" then in two hours we take some blood from you. Then in another two hours we take some more blood from you... then you're free to go".
"You make it sound easy" I smiled. "Good luck on the vein front ... I was here a while on Tuesday.."
"Really?"
"Yep, really she ended up in my right wrist. Although she had to wiggle it a bit"...
"Oh.. "
"Yep oh... I'm dreading chemo on Tuesday.. they'll never find a vein".
"Oh well lets see what we can do..."
Three attempts later.....and finally we struck gold and she managed to get the dye to run into a vein...
"back in two hours and we'll take some blood"
"I wish I could say it had been fun" I grimaced... my arms black and blue and aching. "Okay fresh air needed" I announced to Sue in the waiting room.
"Oh my look at the state of you..."
"Yep human pin cushion that's me. Only another four hours to go!"
"Oh you poor love"
"I know... Chemo... Tuesday... wonderful... Not I just know they're gonna struggle Sue and they're not listening" I told her.
Both arms covered in plasters and four hours later at approximately two o'clock we headed for home!!! My arms and wrists were bruised from puncture marks and failed blood taking attempts....
"What I need is a bloody lie down... i'm knackered" I told Sue.
"I'm shattered for you love" Sue sympathized.... but once these tests are over you'll just be having chemo and you'll know where you are then".
"Yeah I know... if they get a vein". I sighed... "Not looking good is it?"
"It'll get better".
"It bloody better!!"
"Yes love off we go" Sue smiled coming out the door. Now don't get confused.... there is Sue i.e. Missy moo Copeman who lives the other side of Bingley. Then there is the other Sue who lives opposite me who came to Cyprus with me in April when I first met Lee.
"I'm dreading this" I sighed as I drove out the grove Sue in the passenger seat. "Its more blood tests and its gonna be hunt the vein again!!"
"You don't know that be positive".
"Loosing my ability to be positive these days" I told her... "I've got shit veins... chemo is gonna be interesting they'll never get it through a vein cos all they do is pop".
We arrived at nine thirty and for the first time ever got a parking space straight away then it was straight up to Nuclear medicine to begin the testing. I was sat in the waiting room when someone came out of a corridor and said
"Loraine, I thought it was you... I saw the name and thought I must go see if its the same one..." It was one of the women from weightwatchers and I feel really rotten cos I don't know her name ... I do its on the tip of my tongue.... but ... nope its gone. She's lovely chatted to me as I sat in the waiting room with Sue. Asked all about my illness and about Lee.
"Oh I'm so sorry Loraine" she looked genuinely sad when i told her about it being pallitive care treatment only.
"But there is some good news... I'm getting married... I met Lee in Cyprus"
"Well show us a photo then"
"Yep I have one on my phone... hang on a sec" I pulled up the photo on my phone.
"Oh he looks nice"
"He is... from Grimsby" I told her. "Only I can go all the way to Cyprus and meet a Yorkshire lad ha ha" we laughed.
"Are you okay if I tell Jean I've seen you?" I smiled. (Jean was our leader of weight watchers meetings.
"Yeah course you can I have her email I think she still has mine. Tell her I will keep in touch I'll send her a link to my blog she can follow my progress and pass it on to you".
"Its been lovely seeing you Loraine"
"Its been nice to see you too". She gave me a hug.
"Good luck for the future"
"Thanks".
"Loraine Mooney" a voice called.
"Yep that's me" I got up to follow the young girl that had come to get me.
"Shall I come or stay"
"We won't be long you can wait here" the girl told her.
"Ah okay see you in a minute"... I told Sue and smiled and she sat down. I was shown into a room.
"Right what we do today is inject you with some radioactive dye" then in two hours we take some blood from you. Then in another two hours we take some more blood from you... then you're free to go".
"You make it sound easy" I smiled. "Good luck on the vein front ... I was here a while on Tuesday.."
"Really?"
"Yep, really she ended up in my right wrist. Although she had to wiggle it a bit"...
"Oh.. "
"Yep oh... I'm dreading chemo on Tuesday.. they'll never find a vein".
"Oh well lets see what we can do..."
Three attempts later.....and finally we struck gold and she managed to get the dye to run into a vein...
"back in two hours and we'll take some blood"
"I wish I could say it had been fun" I grimaced... my arms black and blue and aching. "Okay fresh air needed" I announced to Sue in the waiting room.
"Oh my look at the state of you..."
"Yep human pin cushion that's me. Only another four hours to go!"
"Oh you poor love"
"I know... Chemo... Tuesday... wonderful... Not I just know they're gonna struggle Sue and they're not listening" I told her.
Both arms covered in plasters and four hours later at approximately two o'clock we headed for home!!! My arms and wrists were bruised from puncture marks and failed blood taking attempts....
"What I need is a bloody lie down... i'm knackered" I told Sue.
"I'm shattered for you love" Sue sympathized.... but once these tests are over you'll just be having chemo and you'll know where you are then".
"Yeah I know... if they get a vein". I sighed... "Not looking good is it?"
"It'll get better".
"It bloody better!!"
October 4th - Radioactive???
I waited patiently for Sue to arrived on Tuesday 4th I had to be at hospital at ten am to see Dr Jagdev followed by a lovely bone scan.
"I'm lost" Sue wailed down the phone.
"Describe where you are??"
"There's a school on my left"
"Whats it called??"
"They're wearing red jumpers I'm on Southdale Road"
"Okay I know where you are are you facing down hill or up hill?"
"Downhill"
"Okay go to the bottom of the hill and turn right"
"Okay I'm just trying to get out of the junction... right now what?"
"You will pass a pub on your left called the thorntree.."
"Yep."
"Okay left after Wakefield bathrooms"
"Yep okay I'm there" she replied after a pause.
"Okay follow the road to the top of the hill second right headlands grove see you soon".
"Hi" I waved to the clinical nurse Louise as we got onto outpatients. She smiled and came over.
"How you doing?"
"I'm fine thanks"
"How was the holiday?"
"Wonderful" I grinned and held out my hand so she could see my ring.
"Oh Loraine its beautiful"
"Thanks" I smiled.
"So did he go down on one knee and everything?" I nodded and told her how Lee had gotten down on one knee in front of all the bar.
"Oh I'm so pleased for you" she smiled.
"I've got a bone scan at half past should i go there and come back to clinic?" I asked her.
"Well lets do your height and weight first then you may as well go and get your injection and then come back"
"Okay".
"Not too bad you've lost another three pounds, is it becoming a problem?"
"Nope loosing weight is the good bit... have to fit in that dress" I told her grinning. "Right come on missy moo radioactive time" I laughed and we headed for nuclear medicine.
"Sorry" the nurse grimaced. "One more attempt" I nodded. She was trying to find a vein I knew it would be an issue since surgery last year and ten weeks of pain medication later I didn't have any veins left at all. "I'm gonna try your wrist but it may hurt" I smiled and nodded okay... It did hurt.. I nearly hit the ceiling in all honesty... but it worked she got the radioactive stuff into my vein... "Right you need to come back at 1.30 for us to do the bone scan, okay? In the meantime no contact with pregnant ladies or small children for the next five hours"
"Okay. See you at one thirty then".
Next it was my appointment with Dr Jagdev... I haven't seen her before. Prior to this I saw Dr Collinson but she's moved on now its Dr Jagdev. She seems okay but when she asked if I had any concerns once again I said I was concerned about Chemo and them finding a vein.
"They struggled with that radioactive stuff it took five attempts" I explained.
"Oncology are very good at finding veins trust me it won't be a problem. If it is they can always put in a permanent line above your chest bone and they can give you chemo and take bloods from you that way"
"Okay well that's probably the way to go" I told her.
"So anymore pain?"
"My left kidney"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes after all the reflux's i had as a kid I know its my left kidney its really sore"
"Mind if i examine you?"
"No that's fine" I smiled.
I laid on the couch and she felt around my right side then around my left...
"Ouch"
"Okay you are very tender there. I think we'll get a urine sample and just as a precaution we'll give you some antibiotics and do an ultrasound"
"Okay,"
"We'll send you for more bloods too"
"Okay" I nodded. "So if you go have your bone scan and then go to ultrasound for a kidney scan if there's any problems we'll keep you in...if not you're free to go I'll give you a prescription for pharmacy."
"So i might have to stay in"
"Only if there's a problem on the left. If not then you'll come back for the renal function test on Thursday then pre-assessment Monday and start treatment Tuesday"
"Okay thanks". I came out in a bit of a daze about what was happening first but Sue put me straight.
"I'll go to pharmacy, you go get your bloods done and I'll see you in the blood room".
"Okay see you in a bit then".
It took two attempts for blood on this occasion, she was good!! Hardly felt a thing!! By the time we'd been downstairs to the canteen for a coffee and a snack it was time to go back for my bone scan.
Why is it when someone tells you you have to lie still you suddenly develop an itch.....a big itch.... I laid there and apologised...
"Sorry I'm gonna have to ..." I apologised.
"Its okay scratch now then we can begin" she told me. I'd taken some oramorph the problem with oramorph is it makes you itch and now I needed to lie still I felt like someone had sprayed me with itching powder!!
"Right okay.. now I'm ready" I announced and lay still. I remembered the breathing my hypnotherapist Jacqui had taught me to get me relaxed.... the next minute she was waking me up... I'd fallen asleep during my bone scan.... ah well at least I don't move in my sleep eh??
Next it was radiology for my ultrasound. It was now knocking on for two thirty when we sat down. I was knackered.
"I think there's been a mix up Miss Mooney you were due down here for your ultrasound before lunch"
"You're joking?"
"No, was there any reason you weren't here?"
"I was having my bone scan" I told the nurse. "I was told to go get my bloods done have my bone scan and then down here for an ultrasound in case i needed to be kept in".
"Well I'm afraid it will be when we can fit you in now"... I sighed I was knackered we'd been here since nine thirty and it was now after two thirty....
"You're joking we've been here since nine thirty, Loraine's got terminal cancer.... she's knackered" Sue piped up....
"We'll see what we can do". Ten minutes later a doctor showed me into an ultrasound room for my scan to commence... Sue comes in very handy sometimes... she is loud thank goodness lol.
"So you've been getting pain in your left kidney"
"Yes its been really bad"
"What about the right?"
"No that's been fine" I told her.
"Okay lie down lower your trousers lift up your top and I'll squirt you with some warm jelly before we begin".
"Okay thanks" I laid on that bed and prayed for a break.
"Well I can't see anything at all in forms of lumps or shadows Loraine so i'm pretty certain there is no cancer in your kidney but obviously its not one hundred percent accurate. Your kidney on the left is pretty dilated though"
"Ah, well its always been bigger than the right more swollen etc" I told her. "I have no idea why but it has been".
"Right well the antibiotics should help if there is any infection there but I'm happy for you to go".
"Nice one, thanks" I jumped off the bed beaming and went out to the waiting area, which now was pretty crowded. "Good news the cancer is not in my kidneys yet!" I yelled and clapped. Sue laughed and looked round at the other four people sat there and they cheered on my behalf. "I get to live another day Sue lets get out of here eh?"
"Your wish is granted." she laughed. "Bye all" we smiled and left.
However, I am still dreading chemo I just know they won't find a vein!!!
"I'm lost" Sue wailed down the phone.
"Describe where you are??"
"There's a school on my left"
"Whats it called??"
"They're wearing red jumpers I'm on Southdale Road"
"Okay I know where you are are you facing down hill or up hill?"
"Downhill"
"Okay go to the bottom of the hill and turn right"
"Okay I'm just trying to get out of the junction... right now what?"
"You will pass a pub on your left called the thorntree.."
"Yep."
"Okay left after Wakefield bathrooms"
"Yep okay I'm there" she replied after a pause.
"Okay follow the road to the top of the hill second right headlands grove see you soon".
"Hi" I waved to the clinical nurse Louise as we got onto outpatients. She smiled and came over.
"How you doing?"
"I'm fine thanks"
"How was the holiday?"
"Wonderful" I grinned and held out my hand so she could see my ring.
"Oh Loraine its beautiful"
"Thanks" I smiled.
"So did he go down on one knee and everything?" I nodded and told her how Lee had gotten down on one knee in front of all the bar.
"Oh I'm so pleased for you" she smiled.
"I've got a bone scan at half past should i go there and come back to clinic?" I asked her.
"Well lets do your height and weight first then you may as well go and get your injection and then come back"
"Okay".
"Not too bad you've lost another three pounds, is it becoming a problem?"
"Nope loosing weight is the good bit... have to fit in that dress" I told her grinning. "Right come on missy moo radioactive time" I laughed and we headed for nuclear medicine.
"Sorry" the nurse grimaced. "One more attempt" I nodded. She was trying to find a vein I knew it would be an issue since surgery last year and ten weeks of pain medication later I didn't have any veins left at all. "I'm gonna try your wrist but it may hurt" I smiled and nodded okay... It did hurt.. I nearly hit the ceiling in all honesty... but it worked she got the radioactive stuff into my vein... "Right you need to come back at 1.30 for us to do the bone scan, okay? In the meantime no contact with pregnant ladies or small children for the next five hours"
"Okay. See you at one thirty then".
Next it was my appointment with Dr Jagdev... I haven't seen her before. Prior to this I saw Dr Collinson but she's moved on now its Dr Jagdev. She seems okay but when she asked if I had any concerns once again I said I was concerned about Chemo and them finding a vein.
"They struggled with that radioactive stuff it took five attempts" I explained.
"Oncology are very good at finding veins trust me it won't be a problem. If it is they can always put in a permanent line above your chest bone and they can give you chemo and take bloods from you that way"
"Okay well that's probably the way to go" I told her.
"So anymore pain?"
"My left kidney"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes after all the reflux's i had as a kid I know its my left kidney its really sore"
"Mind if i examine you?"
"No that's fine" I smiled.
I laid on the couch and she felt around my right side then around my left...
"Ouch"
"Okay you are very tender there. I think we'll get a urine sample and just as a precaution we'll give you some antibiotics and do an ultrasound"
"Okay,"
"We'll send you for more bloods too"
"Okay" I nodded. "So if you go have your bone scan and then go to ultrasound for a kidney scan if there's any problems we'll keep you in...if not you're free to go I'll give you a prescription for pharmacy."
"So i might have to stay in"
"Only if there's a problem on the left. If not then you'll come back for the renal function test on Thursday then pre-assessment Monday and start treatment Tuesday"
"Okay thanks". I came out in a bit of a daze about what was happening first but Sue put me straight.
"I'll go to pharmacy, you go get your bloods done and I'll see you in the blood room".
"Okay see you in a bit then".
It took two attempts for blood on this occasion, she was good!! Hardly felt a thing!! By the time we'd been downstairs to the canteen for a coffee and a snack it was time to go back for my bone scan.
Why is it when someone tells you you have to lie still you suddenly develop an itch.....a big itch.... I laid there and apologised...
"Sorry I'm gonna have to ..." I apologised.
"Its okay scratch now then we can begin" she told me. I'd taken some oramorph the problem with oramorph is it makes you itch and now I needed to lie still I felt like someone had sprayed me with itching powder!!
"Right okay.. now I'm ready" I announced and lay still. I remembered the breathing my hypnotherapist Jacqui had taught me to get me relaxed.... the next minute she was waking me up... I'd fallen asleep during my bone scan.... ah well at least I don't move in my sleep eh??
Next it was radiology for my ultrasound. It was now knocking on for two thirty when we sat down. I was knackered.
"I think there's been a mix up Miss Mooney you were due down here for your ultrasound before lunch"
"You're joking?"
"No, was there any reason you weren't here?"
"I was having my bone scan" I told the nurse. "I was told to go get my bloods done have my bone scan and then down here for an ultrasound in case i needed to be kept in".
"Well I'm afraid it will be when we can fit you in now"... I sighed I was knackered we'd been here since nine thirty and it was now after two thirty....
"You're joking we've been here since nine thirty, Loraine's got terminal cancer.... she's knackered" Sue piped up....
"We'll see what we can do". Ten minutes later a doctor showed me into an ultrasound room for my scan to commence... Sue comes in very handy sometimes... she is loud thank goodness lol.
"So you've been getting pain in your left kidney"
"Yes its been really bad"
"What about the right?"
"No that's been fine" I told her.
"Okay lie down lower your trousers lift up your top and I'll squirt you with some warm jelly before we begin".
"Okay thanks" I laid on that bed and prayed for a break.
"Well I can't see anything at all in forms of lumps or shadows Loraine so i'm pretty certain there is no cancer in your kidney but obviously its not one hundred percent accurate. Your kidney on the left is pretty dilated though"
"Ah, well its always been bigger than the right more swollen etc" I told her. "I have no idea why but it has been".
"Right well the antibiotics should help if there is any infection there but I'm happy for you to go".
"Nice one, thanks" I jumped off the bed beaming and went out to the waiting area, which now was pretty crowded. "Good news the cancer is not in my kidneys yet!" I yelled and clapped. Sue laughed and looked round at the other four people sat there and they cheered on my behalf. "I get to live another day Sue lets get out of here eh?"
"Your wish is granted." she laughed. "Bye all" we smiled and left.
However, I am still dreading chemo I just know they won't find a vein!!!
Monday 3rd October - My Birthday.
I woke to a lovely birthday greeting from Lee on the morning of my birthday it read : "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MRS MCEVOY I DO LOVE YOU XX XXX". I came downstairs and opened the pink envelope that lay on the table inside was a card which read "To my wonderful Wife Happy Birthday. Inside it read sending all my love to you on your special day and always Happy Birthday inside the handwritten message read with all my love Mrs mcevoy xxxxxxx I want to be your hero, i want to take away the pain, I want to live with you forever you just take my breath away". I sat and cried and rang my mum and read it to her and she cried as well. The words are from Hero by Enrique ... the song both Lee and I have picked out for my funeral.
My mum and dad had got me £50 worth of vouchers for La Femme a beauty clinic where I live. My sister had got me £20 worth of vouchers. So I should look stunning when Lee comes home if nothing else lol. Logan presented me with a card saying "To my Mother" Hm mm not sure what to think of that and another box of choccies.... I will be huge by the time this chemotherapy finishes ha ha.
I was due to meet my friends from work for a meal at six that evening. But at twelve I arranged to pick Lorna up so i could go shopping for my wedding gift list, Lee had said to choose what i wanted so with shopping in mind that's what we went to do!
We sat down at the desk in Debenhams and were greeted by an Indian girl who was cross eyed..... I couldn't help it we both had trouble making eye contact. It was fun running round with a scanner though and £830 later I felt a hell of a lot better.
Next came clothes shopping I bought a blouse in teal coloured satin and a pair of black leggings with buttons at each ankle.... I looked good even if I said so myself. Ready for my night out anyway.
I turned up at six to be greeted by Kath, Rebbecca, Jack, Becky Clare and Clare's daughter Holly. I was a little disappointed at the numbers. There were a few people who I knew couldn't make it Wes, Charlene, Vicki and Colleen....they'd all apologised that they couldn't be there...as for the rest... obviously I wasn't that popular... ah well you win some you loose some eh??
We all stuffed ourselves silly with course upon course of Chinese food I hadn't eaten that much grub in a week. I had at least five fresh made pancakes for afters.... and we were kept entertained by the banter round the table. Jack is very amusing and I haven't seen anyone eat as much as Becky did and Rebecca's face watching her was a picture.... it was actually a really good night and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Jack nicked two plates that the sushi was served on for his flat... well smuggled them out in Rebecca's bag to be precise....no one noticed. It was funny though.
I am so looking forward to seeing the pictures that were taken of Jack and I sitting on the Rickshaw that's on display in the window downstairs not to mention the photos of Becky trying to get her leg over to get onto it!!!Ha ha ha. A good night had by all.
My mum and dad had got me £50 worth of vouchers for La Femme a beauty clinic where I live. My sister had got me £20 worth of vouchers. So I should look stunning when Lee comes home if nothing else lol. Logan presented me with a card saying "To my Mother" Hm mm not sure what to think of that and another box of choccies.... I will be huge by the time this chemotherapy finishes ha ha.
I was due to meet my friends from work for a meal at six that evening. But at twelve I arranged to pick Lorna up so i could go shopping for my wedding gift list, Lee had said to choose what i wanted so with shopping in mind that's what we went to do!
We sat down at the desk in Debenhams and were greeted by an Indian girl who was cross eyed..... I couldn't help it we both had trouble making eye contact. It was fun running round with a scanner though and £830 later I felt a hell of a lot better.
Next came clothes shopping I bought a blouse in teal coloured satin and a pair of black leggings with buttons at each ankle.... I looked good even if I said so myself. Ready for my night out anyway.
I turned up at six to be greeted by Kath, Rebbecca, Jack, Becky Clare and Clare's daughter Holly. I was a little disappointed at the numbers. There were a few people who I knew couldn't make it Wes, Charlene, Vicki and Colleen....they'd all apologised that they couldn't be there...as for the rest... obviously I wasn't that popular... ah well you win some you loose some eh??
We all stuffed ourselves silly with course upon course of Chinese food I hadn't eaten that much grub in a week. I had at least five fresh made pancakes for afters.... and we were kept entertained by the banter round the table. Jack is very amusing and I haven't seen anyone eat as much as Becky did and Rebecca's face watching her was a picture.... it was actually a really good night and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Jack nicked two plates that the sushi was served on for his flat... well smuggled them out in Rebecca's bag to be precise....no one noticed. It was funny though.
I am so looking forward to seeing the pictures that were taken of Jack and I sitting on the Rickshaw that's on display in the window downstairs not to mention the photos of Becky trying to get her leg over to get onto it!!!Ha ha ha. A good night had by all.
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