Sue arrived last night. Its four am I'm wide awake and she's snoring in the next room... I wish I could sleep I really do, instead I'm awake cross legged on my bed writing this blog whilst my stomach does somersaults. I feel sick... I'm shaking...in general I feel like shit!!! I can honestly say I don't think I've ever been as terrified in my life!!!
Right so I've had a shower, drunk three cups of tea and had a smoothie and the alarm is about to go off NOW.... six thirty. Now its time to get up... god I'm knackered.
"Sue... time go get up" she mumbles something incoherent. "Tea or coffee??"
"Either" so I head downstairs and pour her a cup of tea hands still shaking.... I feel like shit!! I head back upstairs a cup of tea for Sue and one for me. "Its nearly quarter too Sue"
"Okay okay I'm up" she tells me as I put the tea at the side of her. Then I head to my room to get dressed.
"Are you sure we're gonna make it?"
"Yes don't worry it looks busy but its moving traffic it only takes half an hour we'll be fine"
"MM okay I'm panicking the last thing I need is to be late. Its nearly eight now my appointments at half past.... we were only one junction up the motorway.!!!
"How you feeling??"
"Don't ask! Shit!" I reply.
At twenty eight minutes past we pulled into the car park...
"We only have two minutes to get there" I tell Sue.
"Its fine, it'll be fine stop worrying".
"We walk onto the day case unit at eight thirty five"
"Take a seat" the receptionist tells us... totally unconcerned!!
At quarter to nine they come to get me "Loraine Mooney" Sue's wittering about needing a plaster for her finger that she burnt yesterday.... she's been on about it all morning I've been pretending not to listen. Fact is I don't have a plaster even if she wants one and its only a small teeny weeny burn ,..nothing to be proud of!!
"I'm Lisa I'll be looking after you today" she showed me into a ward and over to the far window with a lovely recliner chair... dead comfy actually I thought as I sat down.... bliss wish i had one of these at home!!
"Right Loraine first thing I'll do is to explain to you that I won't tell you everything today because I don't want to get you too bogged down in information. I'll talk you through what I do as I'm doing it and if you have any questions just ask..."
"Okay fine"
"Right so first thing we need to do is get a cannula in and then we will put up your drip and start the cistplatin first followed by the gemcitabine..."
"Okay.. first question... I have a urostomy bag if I need to empty it will I just take the drip with me?"
"Yep that's fine"
"Okay and obviously depending on where the cannula goes I may have a problem undoing my bag and emptying it as it takes two hands"
"Well there's plenty of us around to help if you need a hand, don't worry".
"Okay. Right lets have a look at your hands"
"I don't have any veins" I forewarned her.
"Right lets have a look" she had a good nosey.... "mm i see what you mean. We'll get you some warm water you can soak your hands in it and we'll see if we can get your veins to come to the surface okay?"
"okay"
"I'm going to get a colleague to come and have a look Loraine cos I just can't find one".
"okay" I nodded.
"Hi Loraine, my names Fiona, lets have a look shall we" she examined my hands. "Right lets get your hands in some warm water again and see what we have".
More water and ten minutes later....
"This is going to hurt its your wrist I'm afraid and its really sensitive there". Hurt was not the word.. you know when you jar your elbow or hit your knee in a certain spot and it sends a rickashay feeling through your nerve endings well I got instant pins and needles in my fingers and thumb and I nearly hit the roof with the pain... pain was not the word... I would rather have given birth again!! I nearly hit the roof and then the tears came!!! This was followed by an attempt in my other wrist, one in the crease of my arm. "Nope I think we're going to need a permanent hick line putting in I'm going to have a word with Alison the nurse that does them Loraine, okay?" I nodded tears streaming down my face.
Alison couldn't get me in to have the permanent line put in today as I hadn't had the blood clotting test done (which they had explained needs to be done seven days before the line gets put in), so she came to see if she could find a vein.... two attempts later she gave up.
"I'm really sorry. We'll get you booked in for a central line Loraine it'll be the 24th October which means Chemo will start on 25th, okay" I nodded numbly.
"Its just so frustrating I told her when i dried my eyes and composed myself... I've been telling the doctors since they said it was intravenous chemo that I have bad veins... they all poo pooed me none of them took me seriously and now here we are. And yet another two week delay I'm really really fed up!!"
"I'm really sorry Loraine they should have listened to you"
"I know".
We left st james's at around twelve with an appointment for my bloods doing next Wednesday and then an appointment at nine on the 24th and transport booked to have my line put in, (I'm having a local anesthetic so they won't let me drive home)!!
I've done my kicking and screaming still seething secretly but there's nothing I can do about it onwards and upwards til the 24th I guess.... Wedding plans here I come!!!
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